The Intellectual Appreciation of Poop Humor | PoopReport.com

PF Chang's Strikes Again

01/28/2012 - 00:57 // 0 Comments

The last time I visited my cousin and her husband I was told a story I will never forget, so now I am sharing it with the world. I’m changing the names to protect the guilty.

I am so healthy I think I made my self sick! The first doctor thought I may have given myself a hernia from yoga. My fiber intake was only matched by my commitment to drinking non-caffeinated teas. I can put people half my age to shame in all those Les Mills classes with aplomb.

These little diverticulae that have failed me and secreted God-knows-what from their little claws have a lot to answer for. Sure, I've strained; I'm not perfect. No history, no family record of Auntie Mary's sickly bowels, no cancer... nix, nyet, nothing.

Baggin' It

01/20/2012 - 01:42 // 8 Comments

My companion has had diverticulitis for several years now. For those unfamiliar with the condition, it's an inflammation of benign, pocket-like growths on the intestines; in the most severe cases, the diverticuli can interfere with absorption and general gastro-intestinal health. People with the disease are advised to avoid eating things like nuts and seeds which may become imbedded in the pockets and cause trouble. Things came to a head about six months ago in June when my partner began running a fever, having cramps and frequent, gassy bowel movements.

In Like A Lamb, Out At The Food Lion

01/17/2012 - 21:37 // 7 Comments

Two years ago we took a family vacation to the outer banks of North Carolina with some friends. The husband half of one the other couple hails from the Cincinnati, Ohio area. Proud of his pedigree, he decided to share the “crown jewel” of the Queen City with the entire group -- Goldstar Chili. I should have sensed danger when he said he couldn’t find a can opener; however, some dense microbrews lowered the red flags I should have heeded.

Mum Broke The Log Jam

01/14/2012 - 04:39 // 9 Comments

My mother only told me this story a few days ago about something that happened to her shortly after she got married. She and Dad were living in a less expensive area in Grand Junction,Colorado where Dad then worked. He would walk to work, and Mum had the car for shopping, etc. She told me that she had been suffering from constipation for about five days and was determined to get her bowels moving before she became ill. She took a dose of Ex-Lax when she went to bed that night and thought it would work when she got up in the morning; however in the morning there was nothing happening.

The Other Side Of The Door

01/09/2012 - 17:51 // 3 Comments

Well, it all started on a normal Sunday morning. I had been on a session the night before and I probably had some kebab or eaten something dodgey!

...or was it the vodka and lime. I will never know....

Whatever the case, I felt an ,shall we say, unusual twinge in my tummy. I ignored for a while and then then decided to hit the toilet anyway. (And the way I was feeling it was going to get a good hammering!)

Some Christmas Cheese To Go With Your Pizza

01/07/2012 - 01:35 // 4 Comments

Editor's Note: Sometimes we discuss farts, too. This story popped up in the Fart Reports of our forums, courtesy of Deja Poo.

The Perils Of Improperly Interring Poop

01/04/2012 - 23:11 // 2 Comments

One of the unfortunate facts you will encounter while backpacking in the wilderness is that there is an unavoidable lack of toilets. The pooping procedure we have been taught is to dig a hole around two hundred feet from any trails or campsites, go in it, and then bury the poop by filling the hole in.

Three Poopreport Shorts: Restrooms I've Seen

12/29/2011 - 00:23 // 6 Comments

Hillcrest Bloodfest

One never expects opening a restroom door to a bloodfest, but that's what I did one night in the Hillcrest area of San Diego. This was 1999, and I was a regular patron at The Lamplighter. The bar served cheap cocktails and at the time offered free billiards during the afternoon. One brief visit marred my love for the joint forever.

Unsexy: Sharting The Bed

12/23/2011 - 02:09 // 11 Comments

Oh man. With the neurological problems that affect my gut, the occasional shart is not unfamiliar. Luckily these sharts have always occurred at home when I am alone, and as such, the subsequent pants ruining is easy to deal with.

Shaquetria

12/21/2011 - 02:51 // 5 Comments

When I was in high school I had this weird shit dichotomy going on. I had no problem shitting at home around my many siblings, but as soon as I crossed the threshhold to my high school I became overcome with a fear of dropping a deuce; the fear consumed me. I know it was because I was afraid that someone would get caught smelling the horrific stench that escaped my bowels and associate the stench with my pretty self, a thought I found absolutely humiliating at the time.

A Poopreport Short: Black Friday

12/14/2011 - 21:06 // 9 Comments

This year's Thanksgiving Day was like every other: My wife's sister, her family and our good friends came over, and everyone ate a lot. By two p.m. I was ready for a healthy shit and a nap before the black Friday craziness began.

Ass Piss

12/13/2011 - 13:04 // 9 Comments

When I worked in Corporate America I had to restrain myself in meetings from leaping across the table and shouting “Sic semper tyrannis!” and strangling the manager facilitating the meeting. So to occupy myself I would focus on how I could provide a thoughtful, intelligent comment, one that would allow me to appear engaged in whatever bullshit they were spewing; however, I also made sure I incorporated a quote from my favorite group, Led Zeppelin.

NYC arsonist claims arson target bogarted toilets

01/06/2012 - 02:43 // 2 Comments

Ray Lazier Legend was arrested earlier this week for attempting to set five different New York City locations on fire with Molotov cocktails on New Year's Day. He hurled glass bottles filled with fuel at a convenience store, three personal residences, and the Imam Al-Khoei Foundation, an Islamic center located in Jamaica, New York.

New fashion and marketing for the bathroom in 2012

01/03/2012 - 07:33 // 5 Comments

The idea is old, but the look is new. When I was a child an extra toilet paper roll cover in my gramma's bathroom was made out of the top half of a baby doll and a crocheted skirt bottom. Do you remember them? Grammas would make them in all different colors and sizes, like this one:

Indonesian elephants being spared for their poop

12/29/2011 - 03:08 // 2 Comments

Most of the elephant herd at the Bali Safari and Marine Park had been scheduled to be destroyed recently. They were not, though, because a man named Tim Husband, originally from Australia, came to their rescue.

Doggie poop bags: Extravagance or necessity?

09/14/2011 - 21:59 // 16 Comments

It seems that whoever goes through the city's books in San Jose, California has discovered that the city has been spending $60,000 per year to provide poo-bags for dog owners. Actually, the poo-bags are for the dogs rather than the owners, but I'm sure you understood what I meant. Dog owners have been shocked when they reach into the dispensers that used to hold the bags and come out empty-handed. Notices were posted on the empty dispensers cautioning everyone to watch their step.

Ponderers of panda poo possibly solve petrol problems

09/01/2011 - 21:57 // 6 Comments

Pandas, those big cuddly-looking critters that we all love, may have the answer to cheaply manufacturing biofuels hidden up their furry asses. Researchers at the University of Mississippi have been working on the problem of creating biofuels from non-edible sources and came up with the following information:

First of all, it makes little sense to transform food substances such as corn into fuels to satisfy the world's ravenous demand for energy.

Pissed first, pooped on later: Drunk bride's wedding dresssSoiled by drunk husband's dirty bum

08/09/2011 - 03:40 // 5 Comments

About thirty-five kilometers northwest of Glasgow, nestled in the lush lowlands of Scotland, is a town called Greenock. It’s a nice-sized community with over 45,000 inhabitants, one that has a rich history. It has hosted an IBM and Lenovo plant and has been the site of great sugar production since the mid seventeen-hundreds. Yet, its recent notoriety was not connected to commerce or industry. Nay, the town’s main contribution to the internet is not the U.K.’s gross national output but rather to just gross in general.

Inca stinka, or empire of the llama turd

07/11/2011 - 20:20 // 5 Comments

Have you ever looked at photos of Machu Picchu and find yourself totally overwhelmed by its grandeur? From its rather humble origin it could have easily been named Machu Pincha Loaffa. Yes, poopreporters, this mightiest of Andean Fortresses in the sky owes its very existence to the humble turd of that South American camelid, Llama glama. Isn't that a neat scientific name?

The Incas ruled over the largest empire that ever existed in the Americas, but they couldn't have done so without food to sustain such a large population. The switch from a hunter-gatherer society to a society that practiced agriculture for their sustenance was made almost three millennia ago and was based primarily on the growing of maize. Maize is not a good high-altitude crop unless it is heavily fertilized, and it is here that the llama came into the picture.

Llamas were raised both for meat and as pack animals to be used on the treacherous mountain trails that crisscrossed the vast empire. Llamas are not ruminants like cows but belong to a tribe of ungulates called tylopoda (or modified ruminants) and are capable of quite a copious output of fecal material. With the help of this rich fertilizer, maize -- or corn if you prefer -- was cultivated as high as 11,000 feet above sea level.

Before the advent of maize cultivation, the principle foods of the region were quinoa and potatoes. Corn was more easily transported than potatoes, and so it was used as portable foodstuffs and to pay tributes in distant locations.

So, the next time you see a cute llama, think about how one of the worlds greatest empires was made possible by its waste.

Air raid! Quick, get in the shitter!

06/28/2011 - 01:05 // 5 Comments

So you're seeing the sights in the beautiful city of Moscow, and the
slightly rancid bowl of borscht and the blini with extra grease that you
washed down with an excessive amount of cheap vodka last night are knocking at your rear exit. Don't even think about ducking behind a bush and dropping your trousers, unless you want to end up as shish-kabob on the bayonets of the Russian Army, a serious group that can be defensive when it comes to protecting their country from the ass sludge of foreigners. You may just have to toughen up and clench those cheeks with all your might until you find a loo somewhere. But, all that is programmed to change soon.

Public toilets are in short supply in many of the worlds great cities, and
Moscow is no exception. The population of Moscow is 11,514,300, which means there would be almost that number of assholes that must be purged on a daily basis (you can subtract a few for those who wear colostomy
bags or happen to be constipated.) Ever-thoughtful public officials are now planning on having new toilets in position by the end of the year: Not just any old toilets, but vandal-proof structures able to withstand an explosion. In the event of nuclear war the only survivors in Moscow may well be the citizens who were sitting in one of these porta-a-fortresses.

The proposed toilets may also provide a welcome bit of warmth for the
homeless in Moscow's somewhat chilly winters. Santekhrabot head Anatoly Ashmikhin, who runs the company in charge of all Moscow's public toilets, said that the new model is going to stay warm even in the coldest winter; they will be able to maintain a temperature that won't drop below 16 degrees Celsius, or 61 degrees Fahrenheit. If that still sounds a bit chilly, just consider that the outside temperature is probably about the same as that one would encounter if stuck on the dark side of the moon. Besides, I would definitely trust a man with a name that sounds like Anatoly Assmuffin on any matter that has to do with defecation.

But, alas, some of the good folk of this beautiful city on the scenic Moskva River are skeptical. Thirty-four year old Dmitry told the Moscow News, "All money is going to be stolen and just one toilet will appear -- on Red Square." I find it hard to believe that citizens of any country would have anything but the utmost faith in their public officials.

Prodigious pile of poultry poop

06/23/2011 - 04:31 // 2 Comments

When I first entered the Air Force way back in 1960, I was an air traffic
controller assigned to an AACS squadron. AACS was an initialism for Air and Airways Communications Systems, which in typical GI style we changed to Acres and Acres of Chicken Shit in our non-official conversations. Little did we know that our rewording of the initialism would become a reality later in the state of New Mexico.

A five acre pile of poultry poo, as much as five feet thick in some areas,
was recently discovered illegally dumped on public property in Doña Ana
County, New Mexico. The family of Armando Orozco has been leasing the land for years for mining and grazing. Their mining permit has expired, and it seems that they never had a shit dumping permit in the first place. The dumping has been going on for about a year to rid a now defunct chicken operation near Las Cruces of leftover -- and obviously unneeded -- chicken crap. Orozco says he received permission from the state before he started dumping but Land Commissioner Ray Powell denies this: Powell also has declared the prodigious poop pile a public health menace.

Orozco has started to remove the mess himself but the state says they want to have the poo removed by professionals, and then they will bill Orozco for the cost. I suppose the moral of this story is if you deal with the state on a shitty matter you should get something in writing.

If you are a highly trained professional shit shoveler looking for work you might consider applying for the cleanup job; or if you are a nearby organic gardener then you might try to talk the government out of a bushel or two for your compost pile. The high nitrogen content of chicken feces will greatly accelerate the rate at which your lawn clippings, etc., compost. I can taste those big juicy vine ripened tomatoes already.

Peeping pervert principal will probably be prosecuted

06/14/2011 - 15:35 // 3 Comments

Little boys attending Sageville Elementary School just north of Dubuque,
Iowa, haven't been unobserved as they have been shaking the last drops of wee from their weenies in one of the school's bathrooms. It seems that there is nothing their principal likes better than watching the post-urination waggling that males, even of the small variety, give their members.

Principal Robert Burke has admitted to downloading child pornography and to placing a video camera in the school bathroom to record images of the young boys. He has been suspended with pay and has been detained pending another hearing.

Suspension with pay may be alright now, but if he is convicted he should be forced to reimburse the school district for every penny he received in such a manner. He has pleaded not guilty. I am not the smartest man in the world but, how the hell can you plead not guilty to an offense you have admitted to committing?

Perhaps once justice has been done his craving for looking at penises will be satisfied, as he will only have to look over his shoulder at the line of 300-pound Bubbas -- with their telephone pole-sized schlongs slathered with lard -- awaiting their turn. If there is indeed a God then this is what will happen.

Creepy principal Robert Burke -- photo

originally posted on KETV.com, Omaha News

El Paso's Poop Alley: Who's going to clean this shit up?

06/08/2011 - 00:18 // 18 Comments

During the Korean war, American pilots were quite frequently called upon to fly over the portion of Northwestern North Korea where the Yalu River empties into the Yellow Sea. This area was notoriously known as Mig Alley and was quite a dangerous place to be. Courage was required to penetrate
this area, but did it require more courage that that required for a
pedestrian in El Paso, Texas to gingerly pick his or her way through the
turd strewn terrain of Poop Alley? (For a gander at what we're talking about, click here. Ew. Gross.)

Migrant workers in El Paso wait outside the Farm Workers Building in hopes of finding employment for the day. Unfortunately, they are not allowed access to that building when nature announces that a bowel movement is imminent, a denial which is against the city's code. They have a choice -- poop in their pants or in an adjacent alley.

Who should de-poop the alley? Deputy Building Official Bill Stern says, "...property owners are responsible for the adjacent alleys," which has not made him a popular man with the property owners. One has even said that he would prefer going to jail rather than clean up someone else's poop. It seems that everyone is passing the buck.

The answer is simple.

El Paso, the migrant workers are a valuable part of your local economy, and they are badly needed by local farmers; so barring the workers from entering the country, as some have suggested, is not the answer. I did a little checking around on the internet and discovered that a porta-potty can be leased in most locations for as little as ninety dollars per month.

Since El Paso is a city with almost 700,000 residents, I think that strategically locating a few of these plastic dooking facilities in poop alley would be a good investment. Rampant pooping can spread disease rapidly and is not desirable from a community health viewpoint.

Turd terrorist arrested

06/03/2011 - 23:25 // 6 Comments

Salvatore “Sam” Cerreto, a 71 year-old millionaire, has been arrested in a suburb of Sydney, Australia and charged with “wilful and obscene exposure and offensive behavior”. Turd Terrorism to you and me.

Two restaurateurs in North Ryde have been plagued for four years with crap-smeared door handles, turds in bags, and general defecation by their premises. The culprit had never been caught on the job, let alone seen, until one bright fellow had the idea of installing a CCTV camera by his shopfront.

Lo and behold, at 4:30 one January morning old Sam was seen on film dropping his trousers, squatting and pinching off a pound or two outside the restaurant door. He`d even brought a big wedge of toilet paper to wipe his bung with.

Detective Inspector Doug Revette noted after the arrest that, “We don`t know what gripe he has with the businesses. He would only say he had a good reason to do it but wouldn`t tell us.”

Strangely, Sam owns a large property on the road in question that is home to thirteen street-front businesses. Maybe he was trying to force the two restaurateurs out of business so that he could buy up their premises to add to his portfolio.

Four years of fecal guerrilla warfare shows some fierce determination. It`ll be interesting to find out if the judge can coax a reason from him and what his sentence will be.

Editor's note -- Here is the NMA World Edition Youtube channel video version of the story.

Don't eat the chocolate-covered peanuts on Delta

05/29/2011 - 00:12 // 9 Comments

U.S. health inspectors recently cited Delta Airlines for rodent feces and
urine they found in a food preparation area on one of Delta's planes. The feces were even counted; but I must doubt the count as the totals were not given with any exactitude. The report listed eight to eleven rodent excrement pellets above the right door panel in the forward galley, an area where food is prepared. I am a simple country boy, but if given the task of counting turds which were present in relatively small numbers I could come up with a more exact count than that. Eight to eleven in my report would have been an exact number.

If you travel with Delta in the near future you might think about avoiding snack foods such as raisins or chocolate covered peanuts. I also think it would be prudent to avoid breakfast foods such as raisin bran and opt for a good honest cereal such as Shredded Wheat. The only thing that could sneak into your Shredded Wheat and not be suspect might be the occasional Brillo Pad, which would be hard to detect by taste as well as appearance.

I was amazed that food safety was the paramount concern raised by the inspectors. If I was in a plane full of rodents, I would be much
more worried by the incessant gnawing these pests are renowned for. There are many cables and wires in a plane, miles of them, possibly. I would be mindful of the fact that as we were flying happily through the stratosphere, Mickey Mouse and his cohorts might well be chomping through all the cables that run to various control surfaces.

A few nibbles of rat shit might cause a bit of gastric distress but I think
it would be minor compared to what would happen to your body upon impact with terra firma after a rapidly accelerating, straight-down descent of six or seven miles. What the hell; you might as well enjoy a last chocolate chip cookie on the way down!

Get Clean With Prean

01/07/2011 - 16:47 // 35 Comments

New hope for stinky and dirty butts is on the horizon.

The Adjust For Comfort Toilet Seat: Your Butt Needed

12/15/2010 - 10:38 // 12 Comments

Would you like to review a toilet seat? We're looking for volunteers.

Activia: Jamie Lee's Not Shittin' You!

12/02/2010 - 09:04 // 22 Comments

The Bottom Line on Activia yogurt.

MB3: Personal Care For Your Derriere

05/12/2010 - 10:24 // 18 Comments

Finally, someone has perfected butt lotion.

The Bathroom Reinvented

12/04/2009 - 14:55 // 13 Comments

The waterless toilet has come a long way.

For Your iPhone: The Poo Log

10/27/2009 - 09:19 // 19 Comments

Technology has finally advanced to this point. And it's about time.

Tastes Great. And Finally, Less Filling

10/15/2009 - 10:29 // 88 Comments

A food program for IBS sufferers is tested by a Poopreporter and passes with flying colors.

Charmin With Aloe: Now With Dandruff

09/29/2009 - 08:44 // 55 Comments

One Poopreporter is not pleased.

Mountain Dew: The Return Of The Blue Poo

07/02/2009 - 14:52 // 42 Comments

Waste the rainbow!

Colonoscopy: We All Must Open Wide!

04/15/2009 - 09:05 // 46 Comments

A virgin ass no longer; and he's happy for it!

The Dreaded "Treatment Effect": Losing Weight With Alli

01/15/2009 - 12:22 // 63 Comments

It's the ultimate diet gimmick: you eat too much, you shit yourself.

Secura Personal Cleanser

01/09/2009 - 13:50 // 39 Comments

For when toilets come too late.

BBC America's "You Are What You Eat"

01/08/2009 - 15:57 // 60 Comments

A production after our own hearts, from start to finish.

A Poop Shelf?

01/27/2012 - 04:25 // 4 Comments

As a someone who spends a decent amount of time using a toilet because, well, everyone does, and also because I suffer from IBS, I was a little concerned about traveling abroad. I know that different kinds of foods can upset my stomach; also I had heard stories about communal bathrooms for both men and women. Now imagine my shock when I did arrive in Germany and the worse thing is the toilet.

I Missed The Double

01/18/2012 - 21:47 // 5 Comments

A couple of weeks ago we took a weekend trip to Nashville, and after a day of carousing the Tennessee countryside we finally checked into our hotel. The wife was tired and wanted to nap for a bit before we went downtown to explore the honky tonks, and I wanted to unload a turd that had been squirming to get out for the past few hours.

Happy Bowels

01/05/2012 - 22:16 // 5 Comments

On the last day that my friends and I would be together before we split for winter break, we went to a sushi buffet restaurant called Yamato. This restaurant had decent sushi and its prices were affordable, and boy can you become full after an hour or two there!

A Poopreport Short: An American Refuge In Berlin

11/16/2011 - 03:54 // 2 Comments

When I was seventeen I went to Germany on a school exchange with a bunch of other kids. We all ended up in different cities but got back together again to visit Berlin. We stayed in a youth hostel that had what we'd consider average public toilets. I don't know why, but I've never had the nerve to go Number Two with someone else in the vicinity! I have to have complete privacy. Because I couldn't get that privacy, I held on for five whole days.

A Closed Highway

10/22/2011 - 04:31 // 7 Comments

Everyone remembers the blizzard that ripped through the Midwest, right? Well, it just so happens that my wife and I were heading home from the Kansas City airport with one of our friends, "T", who was flying back from visiting family, when it was in full swing. Granted, we live outside of St. Louis, where there is another airport, but it had closed down way before the storm. My wife and I volunteered to get T so she and her hubby, "S", could watch their son play in district championship basketball.

All In A Day's Jerk

07/29/2011 - 11:51 // 4 Comments

I wasn't expecting her to know how to drive a stick shift. Now that I've had time to lick the wounds put upon my ego and my ass I realize this was my downfall: The mouse knew how to drive a stick shift.

I started working at the ultra-large store three months ago. I prefer not to name the ultra-large store. Use your imagination. It's a large store. There are lots of them. In the one ultra-large store I work at there are a few people who stock shelves like I do. One of these employees is someone I have privately considered to be a mouse.