The Intellectual Appreciation of Poop Humor | PoopReport.com

The Guinness Hurly Whirlies

05/19/2012 - 00:46 // 5 Comments

Being Scottish, I have a very high tolerance for alcohol. I can easily put away 20 bottles of beer or a bottle of rum, vodka, or tequila on a night out, and I like to smoke a bit of weed with it, too. I am proud of my iron constitution and almost never get the shits or puke as a result of these binges. In fact, I can only think of one instance in which this has happened in many, many years:

The Harbor Freight Incident

05/15/2012 - 01:30 // 3 Comments

My dad and I went to the local Harbor Freight Tool store to check out one of their sales. My dad is 64, has prostate issues, and can let out a ripping fart at will, so I never know what kind of prank or stunt he will pull anywhere. He told me, "Son, I've gotta go take a leak real quick. I'll be right back." He headed off to the restroom and I turned around to look at the toolboxes.

Not a minute later my dad came back and found me, looking at the ground and shaking his head.

"Whats wrong pop?" I asked.

"I didn't make it son," he said.

My Squatting Experiment.

05/11/2012 - 03:02 // 6 Comments

When I was 17, I had a relationship with a much older man who happened to be a Pakistani Muslim. While I live in Scotland, he lived in England, and I used to take a ten-hour bus journey to visit him once a month or so. (I say he was a Muslim, but he certainly wasn't a very devout one; although he went to the mosque and ate only halal meat, he would drink alcohol and smoke hash with me on a regular basis.)

A Smidge Too Far

05/09/2012 - 23:24 // 2 Comments

"Designate a place outside the camp where you can go to relieve yourself. As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement." - Deuteronomy 23

Tasteless In Texas: A Poop Bandit

05/09/2012 - 01:37 // 11 Comments

In July of 2009 I attended my family reunion in Addison, Texas. During that time I was taking an herbal supplement called "Colon Cleanse," because when I travel I tend to become a little irregular. This supplement was not a laxative; it provided fiber and probiotics that helped keep me regular. However, when it was time to go I really had to go!

A Poopreport Short: Popn' Chunk

05/02/2012 - 22:52 // 10 Comments

In middle school, my friends and I were very mischievous. One night, we went to go hang out and cause mischief around the school. On this night we found that the sixth graders had left their catapults outside, which were used to fling tennis balls as far as they could go. My best friend had to poop really bad, so she "laid her log" in one of the best catapults we could find and flung is right at the school. It went "splat" against the building, and stayed there for a solid three weeks, while people questioned who would actually do such a thing.

An Inner Demon

05/01/2012 - 20:50 // 9 Comments

Let me start by telling you that I consider by bowels to be fairly strong, and I can lug around a fair bit of the brown goo before having to evacuate, but this experience -- this was something else. Like an inner demon...

A Shitty Birthday

04/27/2012 - 08:14 // 7 Comments

Last Monday was my birthday, and I woke up much later than usual, at 7:30. My three year-old wakes up at around six every morning, which is just fine with me, because I am a bit of a lark as well. I also really love having coffee with my husband before he leaves for work at 6:30, so I get up around five or so to start breakfast for the guys.

The Accidental Terrorist

04/25/2012 - 03:25 // 4 Comments

For the record, I am not a turd terrorist, nor have I ever affiliated or consorted with terrorists. But for the parties affected by my unfortunate mishap, I doubt they would ever believe otherwise. And I wouldn't blame them. So be it.

The story began at about six a.m. I was outside. The sun was just coming up. Birds chirped. I opened my eyes. I'd passed out on the front lawn, which in my booze-addled mind seemed so cozy and private the night before, but now I was embarrassingly exposed. I'm lucky a cop didn't drive by.

Poop Report Confirms US Navy Phantom Shitter

04/24/2012 - 05:14 // 6 Comments

I recently recalled a "phantom shitter" who gained wide notoriety on the USS Canisteo, AO-99, a Cimarron fleet oiler, and so I decided to Google "US Navy phantom shitter." And what to my wondering eyes should appear but "The Poop Report." I was amazed that what I had always thought was a mostly a seagoing legend is indeed an esteemed art in our US Navy.

I Left My Poop In Florida

04/11/2012 - 05:26 // 9 Comments

A few years ago while my husband was in temporary training for the Navy, we lived in a antiquated apartment complex in a low income area of Florida. We didn't have a whole lot of money since I had to quit a job to move down with him, and we were saving for our eventual move out of state, so we got the cheapest apartment we could find. This place was pretty run-down, but for six months I figured we could get by there.

Breaking the Law....

03/20/2012 - 02:21 // 17 Comments

I'm not really a shameful shitter but I do follow the regular bathroom rules. Those rules involve but are not limited to the following:

1. Do not stand between two men at a urinal, and only take one next to a guy if that is the only option... and avoid eye contact.

2. Do not -- I repeat -- do not take a stall unless there is one buffer stall between you and a shitter.

3. Rule Two is void if you know someone is only urinating, which is easy as a guy to tell, given the loud splash.

Poo Pearls

03/06/2012 - 09:29 // 10 Comments

I work in a histology laboratory preparing surgical specimens that have been removed -- growths like skin cancers, breast lumps, and appendices. They are cut up and processed to examine under the microscope for diagnosis. At least one colectomy comes to us daily.

NYC arsonist claims arson target bogarted toilets

01/06/2012 - 02:43 // 2 Comments

Ray Lazier Legend was arrested earlier this week for attempting to set five different New York City locations on fire with Molotov cocktails on New Year's Day. He hurled glass bottles filled with fuel at a convenience store, three personal residences, and the Imam Al-Khoei Foundation, an Islamic center located in Jamaica, New York.

New fashion and marketing for the bathroom in 2012

01/03/2012 - 07:33 // 5 Comments

The idea is old, but the look is new. When I was a child an extra toilet paper roll cover in my gramma's bathroom was made out of the top half of a baby doll and a crocheted skirt bottom. Do you remember them? Grammas would make them in all different colors and sizes, like this one:

Indonesian elephants being spared for their poop

12/29/2011 - 03:08 // 2 Comments

Most of the elephant herd at the Bali Safari and Marine Park had been scheduled to be destroyed recently. They were not, though, because a man named Tim Husband, originally from Australia, came to their rescue.

Doggie poop bags: Extravagance or necessity?

09/14/2011 - 21:59 // 17 Comments

It seems that whoever goes through the city's books in San Jose, California has discovered that the city has been spending $60,000 per year to provide poo-bags for dog owners. Actually, the poo-bags are for the dogs rather than the owners, but I'm sure you understood what I meant. Dog owners have been shocked when they reach into the dispensers that used to hold the bags and come out empty-handed. Notices were posted on the empty dispensers cautioning everyone to watch their step.

Ponderers of panda poo possibly solve petrol problems

09/01/2011 - 21:57 // 6 Comments

Pandas, those big cuddly-looking critters that we all love, may have the answer to cheaply manufacturing biofuels hidden up their furry asses. Researchers at the University of Mississippi have been working on the problem of creating biofuels from non-edible sources and came up with the following information:

First of all, it makes little sense to transform food substances such as corn into fuels to satisfy the world's ravenous demand for energy.

Pissed first, pooped on later: Drunk bride's wedding dresssSoiled by drunk husband's dirty bum

08/09/2011 - 03:40 // 5 Comments

About thirty-five kilometers northwest of Glasgow, nestled in the lush lowlands of Scotland, is a town called Greenock. It’s a nice-sized community with over 45,000 inhabitants, one that has a rich history. It has hosted an IBM and Lenovo plant and has been the site of great sugar production since the mid seventeen-hundreds. Yet, its recent notoriety was not connected to commerce or industry. Nay, the town’s main contribution to the internet is not the U.K.’s gross national output but rather to just gross in general.

Inca stinka, or empire of the llama turd

07/11/2011 - 20:20 // 7 Comments

Have you ever looked at photos of Machu Picchu and find yourself totally overwhelmed by its grandeur? From its rather humble origin it could have easily been named Machu Pincha Loaffa. Yes, poopreporters, this mightiest of Andean Fortresses in the sky owes its very existence to the humble turd of that South American camelid, Llama glama. Isn't that a neat scientific name?

The Incas ruled over the largest empire that ever existed in the Americas, but they couldn't have done so without food to sustain such a large population. The switch from a hunter-gatherer society to a society that practiced agriculture for their sustenance was made almost three millennia ago and was based primarily on the growing of maize. Maize is not a good high-altitude crop unless it is heavily fertilized, and it is here that the llama came into the picture.

Llamas were raised both for meat and as pack animals to be used on the treacherous mountain trails that crisscrossed the vast empire. Llamas are not ruminants like cows but belong to a tribe of ungulates called tylopoda (or modified ruminants) and are capable of quite a copious output of fecal material. With the help of this rich fertilizer, maize -- or corn if you prefer -- was cultivated as high as 11,000 feet above sea level.

Before the advent of maize cultivation, the principle foods of the region were quinoa and potatoes. Corn was more easily transported than potatoes, and so it was used as portable foodstuffs and to pay tributes in distant locations.

So, the next time you see a cute llama, think about how one of the worlds greatest empires was made possible by its waste.

Air raid! Quick, get in the shitter!

06/28/2011 - 01:05 // 5 Comments

So you're seeing the sights in the beautiful city of Moscow, and the
slightly rancid bowl of borscht and the blini with extra grease that you
washed down with an excessive amount of cheap vodka last night are knocking at your rear exit. Don't even think about ducking behind a bush and dropping your trousers, unless you want to end up as shish-kabob on the bayonets of the Russian Army, a serious group that can be defensive when it comes to protecting their country from the ass sludge of foreigners. You may just have to toughen up and clench those cheeks with all your might until you find a loo somewhere. But, all that is programmed to change soon.

Public toilets are in short supply in many of the worlds great cities, and
Moscow is no exception. The population of Moscow is 11,514,300, which means there would be almost that number of assholes that must be purged on a daily basis (you can subtract a few for those who wear colostomy
bags or happen to be constipated.) Ever-thoughtful public officials are now planning on having new toilets in position by the end of the year: Not just any old toilets, but vandal-proof structures able to withstand an explosion. In the event of nuclear war the only survivors in Moscow may well be the citizens who were sitting in one of these porta-a-fortresses.

The proposed toilets may also provide a welcome bit of warmth for the
homeless in Moscow's somewhat chilly winters. Santekhrabot head Anatoly Ashmikhin, who runs the company in charge of all Moscow's public toilets, said that the new model is going to stay warm even in the coldest winter; they will be able to maintain a temperature that won't drop below 16 degrees Celsius, or 61 degrees Fahrenheit. If that still sounds a bit chilly, just consider that the outside temperature is probably about the same as that one would encounter if stuck on the dark side of the moon. Besides, I would definitely trust a man with a name that sounds like Anatoly Assmuffin on any matter that has to do with defecation.

But, alas, some of the good folk of this beautiful city on the scenic Moskva River are skeptical. Thirty-four year old Dmitry told the Moscow News, "All money is going to be stolen and just one toilet will appear -- on Red Square." I find it hard to believe that citizens of any country would have anything but the utmost faith in their public officials.

Prodigious pile of poultry poop

06/23/2011 - 04:31 // 2 Comments

When I first entered the Air Force way back in 1960, I was an air traffic
controller assigned to an AACS squadron. AACS was an initialism for Air and Airways Communications Systems, which in typical GI style we changed to Acres and Acres of Chicken Shit in our non-official conversations. Little did we know that our rewording of the initialism would become a reality later in the state of New Mexico.

A five acre pile of poultry poo, as much as five feet thick in some areas,
was recently discovered illegally dumped on public property in Doña Ana
County, New Mexico. The family of Armando Orozco has been leasing the land for years for mining and grazing. Their mining permit has expired, and it seems that they never had a shit dumping permit in the first place. The dumping has been going on for about a year to rid a now defunct chicken operation near Las Cruces of leftover -- and obviously unneeded -- chicken crap. Orozco says he received permission from the state before he started dumping but Land Commissioner Ray Powell denies this: Powell also has declared the prodigious poop pile a public health menace.

Orozco has started to remove the mess himself but the state says they want to have the poo removed by professionals, and then they will bill Orozco for the cost. I suppose the moral of this story is if you deal with the state on a shitty matter you should get something in writing.

If you are a highly trained professional shit shoveler looking for work you might consider applying for the cleanup job; or if you are a nearby organic gardener then you might try to talk the government out of a bushel or two for your compost pile. The high nitrogen content of chicken feces will greatly accelerate the rate at which your lawn clippings, etc., compost. I can taste those big juicy vine ripened tomatoes already.

Peeping pervert principal will probably be prosecuted

06/14/2011 - 15:35 // 3 Comments

Little boys attending Sageville Elementary School just north of Dubuque,
Iowa, haven't been unobserved as they have been shaking the last drops of wee from their weenies in one of the school's bathrooms. It seems that there is nothing their principal likes better than watching the post-urination waggling that males, even of the small variety, give their members.

Principal Robert Burke has admitted to downloading child pornography and to placing a video camera in the school bathroom to record images of the young boys. He has been suspended with pay and has been detained pending another hearing.

Suspension with pay may be alright now, but if he is convicted he should be forced to reimburse the school district for every penny he received in such a manner. He has pleaded not guilty. I am not the smartest man in the world but, how the hell can you plead not guilty to an offense you have admitted to committing?

Perhaps once justice has been done his craving for looking at penises will be satisfied, as he will only have to look over his shoulder at the line of 300-pound Bubbas -- with their telephone pole-sized schlongs slathered with lard -- awaiting their turn. If there is indeed a God then this is what will happen.

Creepy principal Robert Burke -- photo

originally posted on KETV.com, Omaha News

El Paso's Poop Alley: Who's going to clean this shit up?

06/08/2011 - 00:18 // 18 Comments

During the Korean war, American pilots were quite frequently called upon to fly over the portion of Northwestern North Korea where the Yalu River empties into the Yellow Sea. This area was notoriously known as Mig Alley and was quite a dangerous place to be. Courage was required to penetrate
this area, but did it require more courage that that required for a
pedestrian in El Paso, Texas to gingerly pick his or her way through the
turd strewn terrain of Poop Alley? (For a gander at what we're talking about, click here. Ew. Gross.)

Migrant workers in El Paso wait outside the Farm Workers Building in hopes of finding employment for the day. Unfortunately, they are not allowed access to that building when nature announces that a bowel movement is imminent, a denial which is against the city's code. They have a choice -- poop in their pants or in an adjacent alley.

Who should de-poop the alley? Deputy Building Official Bill Stern says, "...property owners are responsible for the adjacent alleys," which has not made him a popular man with the property owners. One has even said that he would prefer going to jail rather than clean up someone else's poop. It seems that everyone is passing the buck.

The answer is simple.

El Paso, the migrant workers are a valuable part of your local economy, and they are badly needed by local farmers; so barring the workers from entering the country, as some have suggested, is not the answer. I did a little checking around on the internet and discovered that a porta-potty can be leased in most locations for as little as ninety dollars per month.

Since El Paso is a city with almost 700,000 residents, I think that strategically locating a few of these plastic dooking facilities in poop alley would be a good investment. Rampant pooping can spread disease rapidly and is not desirable from a community health viewpoint.

Turd terrorist arrested

06/03/2011 - 23:25 // 6 Comments

Salvatore “Sam” Cerreto, a 71 year-old millionaire, has been arrested in a suburb of Sydney, Australia and charged with “wilful and obscene exposure and offensive behavior”. Turd Terrorism to you and me.

Two restaurateurs in North Ryde have been plagued for four years with crap-smeared door handles, turds in bags, and general defecation by their premises. The culprit had never been caught on the job, let alone seen, until one bright fellow had the idea of installing a CCTV camera by his shopfront.

Lo and behold, at 4:30 one January morning old Sam was seen on film dropping his trousers, squatting and pinching off a pound or two outside the restaurant door. He`d even brought a big wedge of toilet paper to wipe his bung with.

Detective Inspector Doug Revette noted after the arrest that, “We don`t know what gripe he has with the businesses. He would only say he had a good reason to do it but wouldn`t tell us.”

Strangely, Sam owns a large property on the road in question that is home to thirteen street-front businesses. Maybe he was trying to force the two restaurateurs out of business so that he could buy up their premises to add to his portfolio.

Four years of fecal guerrilla warfare shows some fierce determination. It`ll be interesting to find out if the judge can coax a reason from him and what his sentence will be.

Editor's note -- Here is the NMA World Edition Youtube channel video version of the story.

Don't eat the chocolate-covered peanuts on Delta

05/29/2011 - 00:12 // 9 Comments

U.S. health inspectors recently cited Delta Airlines for rodent feces and
urine they found in a food preparation area on one of Delta's planes. The feces were even counted; but I must doubt the count as the totals were not given with any exactitude. The report listed eight to eleven rodent excrement pellets above the right door panel in the forward galley, an area where food is prepared. I am a simple country boy, but if given the task of counting turds which were present in relatively small numbers I could come up with a more exact count than that. Eight to eleven in my report would have been an exact number.

If you travel with Delta in the near future you might think about avoiding snack foods such as raisins or chocolate covered peanuts. I also think it would be prudent to avoid breakfast foods such as raisin bran and opt for a good honest cereal such as Shredded Wheat. The only thing that could sneak into your Shredded Wheat and not be suspect might be the occasional Brillo Pad, which would be hard to detect by taste as well as appearance.

I was amazed that food safety was the paramount concern raised by the inspectors. If I was in a plane full of rodents, I would be much
more worried by the incessant gnawing these pests are renowned for. There are many cables and wires in a plane, miles of them, possibly. I would be mindful of the fact that as we were flying happily through the stratosphere, Mickey Mouse and his cohorts might well be chomping through all the cables that run to various control surfaces.

A few nibbles of rat shit might cause a bit of gastric distress but I think
it would be minor compared to what would happen to your body upon impact with terra firma after a rapidly accelerating, straight-down descent of six or seven miles. What the hell; you might as well enjoy a last chocolate chip cookie on the way down!

Puro Lotion: There's A New Anti-Skid In Town

04/01/2012 - 04:10 // 10 Comments

I recently was able to review a new personal hygiene product that is not only available on the web, but is now entered on the website Get On The Shelf in the hopes that it will be made available at Wal-Mart. The product, Puro Lotion, was sent to me by Puro’s Director of Business Development, Brent Douglas.

The AssinTheBox is back!

03/23/2012 - 03:42 // 1 Comments

After a four-year hiatus, AssinTheBox.com is back online, and according to site owner Kevin Brown is serving up sweet spring-loaded 'remote mooning systems' delivered anonymously via FedEx.

For the Ass newbie, Kevin's website allows for a visitor to order a spring-loaded butt that pops up when the recipient opens the box, as you see here:

The Squatty Potty: Health Colons, Here We Come

02/10/2012 - 05:00 // 16 Comments

Several weeks ago I was contacted by Robert Edwards from the Squatty Potty website about reviewing his product, the Squatty Potty toilet stool. Free stuff, I thought? You betcha’! “Send one right over!” I immediately replied. I am so glad that I said that.

Get Clean With Prean

01/07/2011 - 16:47 // 35 Comments

New hope for stinky and dirty butts is on the horizon.

The Adjust For Comfort Toilet Seat: Your Butt Needed

12/15/2010 - 10:38 // 12 Comments

Would you like to review a toilet seat? We're looking for volunteers.

Activia: Jamie Lee's Not Shittin' You!

12/02/2010 - 09:04 // 22 Comments

The Bottom Line on Activia yogurt.

MB3: Personal Care For Your Derriere

05/12/2010 - 10:24 // 18 Comments

Finally, someone has perfected butt lotion.

The Bathroom Reinvented

12/04/2009 - 14:55 // 14 Comments

The waterless toilet has come a long way.

For Your iPhone: The Poo Log

10/27/2009 - 09:19 // 19 Comments

Technology has finally advanced to this point. And it's about time.

Tastes Great. And Finally, Less Filling

10/15/2009 - 10:29 // 88 Comments

A food program for IBS sufferers is tested by a Poopreporter and passes with flying colors.

Charmin With Aloe: Now With Dandruff

09/29/2009 - 08:44 // 55 Comments

One Poopreporter is not pleased.

Mountain Dew: The Return Of The Blue Poo

07/02/2009 - 14:52 // 42 Comments

Waste the rainbow!

Colonoscopy: We All Must Open Wide!

04/15/2009 - 09:05 // 46 Comments

A virgin ass no longer; and he's happy for it!

A Poop Shelf?

01/27/2012 - 04:25 // 13 Comments

As a someone who spends a decent amount of time using a toilet because, well, everyone does, and also because I suffer from IBS, I was a little concerned about traveling abroad. I know that different kinds of foods can upset my stomach; also I had heard stories about communal bathrooms for both men and women. Now imagine my shock when I did arrive in Germany and the worse thing is the toilet.

I Missed The Double

01/18/2012 - 21:47 // 5 Comments

A couple of weeks ago we took a weekend trip to Nashville, and after a day of carousing the Tennessee countryside we finally checked into our hotel. The wife was tired and wanted to nap for a bit before we went downtown to explore the honky tonks, and I wanted to unload a turd that had been squirming to get out for the past few hours.

Happy Bowels

01/05/2012 - 22:16 // 5 Comments

On the last day that my friends and I would be together before we split for winter break, we went to a sushi buffet restaurant called Yamato. This restaurant had decent sushi and its prices were affordable, and boy can you become full after an hour or two there!

A Poopreport Short: An American Refuge In Berlin

11/16/2011 - 03:54 // 2 Comments

When I was seventeen I went to Germany on a school exchange with a bunch of other kids. We all ended up in different cities but got back together again to visit Berlin. We stayed in a youth hostel that had what we'd consider average public toilets. I don't know why, but I've never had the nerve to go Number Two with someone else in the vicinity! I have to have complete privacy. Because I couldn't get that privacy, I held on for five whole days.

A Closed Highway

10/22/2011 - 04:31 // 7 Comments

Everyone remembers the blizzard that ripped through the Midwest, right? Well, it just so happens that my wife and I were heading home from the Kansas City airport with one of our friends, "T", who was flying back from visiting family, when it was in full swing. Granted, we live outside of St. Louis, where there is another airport, but it had closed down way before the storm. My wife and I volunteered to get T so she and her hubby, "S", could watch their son play in district championship basketball.

All In A Day's Jerk

07/29/2011 - 11:51 // 4 Comments

I wasn't expecting her to know how to drive a stick shift. Now that I've had time to lick the wounds put upon my ego and my ass I realize this was my downfall: The mouse knew how to drive a stick shift.

I started working at the ultra-large store three months ago. I prefer not to name the ultra-large store. Use your imagination. It's a large store. There are lots of them. In the one ultra-large store I work at there are a few people who stock shelves like I do. One of these employees is someone I have privately considered to be a mouse.