I got settled in and started pinching my loaf. I heard grunting, farting and plopping sounds from the next stall. Evidently, this dude was a Shameless Shitter, so I felt relaxed enough to just let rip.

Then the power failed. The restroom had no external windows and I could not see my fingers in front of my face. I then heard a laugh from the next stall and the guy says to me: "Hey dude, what do we do now?" I replied that I had to be at work and was getting the hell out of there and he said: "Me too."

It was a real struggle to get some TP. It was a large circular roll in a locked metal container where it's difficult to find the free end, even with the lights on. I managed, however, and I could hear that the dude in the next stall also had. We both flushed at about the same time. We came out of the stalls and groped our way along this pitch-dark room to the exit. There was no way we could wash our hands.

When we got out into the partly-illuminated hallway, we both laughed about the experience. It turned out that we're both in construction and started chatting. When it came time to go, we were about to shake hands when we both remembered what we had just done and stopped and laughed.

This experience made me realize how difficult it can be to take a shit in absolute darkness. Another point is that shitting in a public restroom during a power failure can turn stall neighbors into something like buddies!
------ posted 7.29.02002 by Dakota

I got real hot and my lower stomach started to cramp and I thought I was gonna die. I was in so much pain, I wanted to scream right there in the middle of a store. I just sat there in the corner for like an hour, wanting to die because of the pain.

Then I had to go. And I had to go NOW. I was not prepared for this and had no idea where the bathroom was. I got up and started searching. I finally found one right when I was about to explode... only to find out some other woman was in there. So I turned around and ran for the mens'.

Finally I got to relax and let my too-long-held squirts flow. I felt so much better after that! I opened the door and discovered a group of little boys waiting to go. As I walked away I watched as they all rejected the strongly stenched bathroom and decided to hold it. I got some weird looks that day for going in the wrong bathroom, but I didn't really care, if I hadn't I would've had pudding-panties.
------ posted 7.22.02002 by gotcrap?

People act discretely in public restrooms, not in shame, but in the hopes of encouraging others to do the same.

The so called SSM will only convince the "in your face" extremists that there is a large movement (no pun intended) supporting them, and result in some repulsive public activity.

Just watch.

Shame on the so called shameless.

Editor's Note: The author brings up a very good point. I would direct the reader to this article to see PoopReport's policy on so-called extremists.
------ posted 7.15.02002 by Joseph

A Thai woman smeared herself with her own excrement in front of a high-level police parade. The 45-year-old tipped a plastic bag of excrement over herself in front of officers waiting to salute a police chief.

She was allowed to speak to the local police commander and told him she was protesting against dirty police tactics.

Sasiprapa Neso told Chiang Mai's chief of police that she was being sued by a US man because of a dispute involving him and one of her employees. She claims the police are hiding important information and added that she wanted the smell out in the open so she decided to stage a dirty protest in front of all the officers.

While officers of the Chiang Mai force waited to salute Police General Amnuay Phetchasiri, she calmly walked in front of the line-up, opened the yellow plastic bag and tipped it over herself.

The Thai Daily News reported that police had to try and ignore the smell and while they interviewed her.
------ posted 7.8.02002 by Hershey-Squirts

I, being a kind hearted person, tried to make friends with him. Whenever he came to my department I would take a few minutes to say hi or whatever. Well, to make a long story short, he dismissed my kindness (for what I don't know) and treated me like an asshole! This is after several attempts of kindness! I was confused an pissed. I wanted revenge...and I knew just how to get it.

I got a few of my sick co-workers to partake in filling a toilet with poop. We talked it over, held it in for a few days, and then each one of us took our turn going in and released our plopping message of revenge. I went first (didn't feel like smelling the pile when it was above water level) and it felt good. By the end, the toilet was brimming full! We couldn't put the seat down without squashing it!

The next day, the janitor in question went to clean the bathrooms. When he found our surprise he shouted and cursed and started slamming things around! He immediately reported it, but was pretty much dismissed by the upper hands (guess they didn't like him either). He ended up resolving the problem by removing the poop by hand to get the toilet back to a functioning level. All the while my co-workers one by one enjoyed going in the bathroom to take a piss and to get a glance at an asshole cleaning up shit.

Now, is this wrong? Maybe for my co-workers, for they had no vendetta; but for me, it was justice. I'd like to know what other Poopreporters feel about this. Should pooping be used as a form of revenge, or just self enjoyment? I'm curious.
------ posted 7.1.02002 by Ass Phlegm

Anyway, in Marrakesh we somehow hooked up with a couple of girls from Amsterdam and decided to take a trip on camelback into the Sahara desert with a couple of Berber guides. Camels are not comfortable creatures to ride, and no matter how I tried to sit in the saddle that damn hump kept poking me in the balls. I was almost in tears by the end of our 14 kilometer trip, and worse yet all the lurching and jerking had stimulated my bowels.

Thankfully it was dark, so I excused myself from the ladies and popped over the nearest dune, dug a little hole in the sand, and squatted down for some intestinal relief. This was the same period of time that the Hale-Bopp comet made its appearance, so I had a marvelous view of the comet streaking across the backdrop of a velvet night sky studded with tiny stars as bright as diamonds. I remember thinking to myself that it just couldn't get any better than that, enjoying a good dump and watching the sky.

I finished up and went back to the tents. The girls laughed at me when they noticed I was missing one of my socks, but it was good natured. One of them pulled me aside a little while later to ask if she could have my other sock, and if I would accompany her since she didn't want to go out in the dark alone. All told, that was one of the best nights of my life and well worth the price of a pair of socks.
------ posted 6.24.02002 by Artful Dodger

It is quite upsetting when you think about it.

The last time was in San Francisco. My boyfriend and I took the bus and then walked to the house of a friend of his, who I didn't really know. I knew the poop was going to be big, but I didn't anticipate just how large.

Unfortunately, the toilet was just off the main foyer. I had to introduce myself and then quickly excuse myself. So while I shit, I could hear everyone talking and chatting. And then it got stopped up. SHIT!

I found a plunger though, so I flushed again. I was ready immediately and plunged furiously until it went down. Water was flying all over the seat, and I could still hear everyone chatting and was mortified they could hear my commotion. But I cleaned up and walked out, smiling quite nervously. They didn't hear me (or so my boyfriend assures), but I was quite nervous for a while.
------ posted 6.24.02002 by Janice

So we eat and and the retiree is presented with some dumb clock for his 25 years plus with the company.

Let me also tell you that I have a very sensitive digestive system. If I eat anything out of the ordinary, look out.

I head back to the office and it isn't long before the dreaded "cramps" begin. Bent over at the waist, I head for the john. There is only two stalls and I settle in to rid myself of the luch mystery meat.

Much to my surprise, my movement felt like shredded wheat exiting my bum. As I was finishing up, I felt something that I have never felt before. TOILET WATER on my ass. You guessed it. I stuffed up the toilet with my shredded wheat explosion.

I hastly mopped up my ass checks and departed the bathroom, praying that no one observed my exit. I left the toilet bowl with a brown pond edging closely to the lip of the bowl.

Having no idea who to call to correct the problem, I remained silent. I can't wait to get to work today to see if the blockage problem has been resolved.
------ posted 6.17.02002 by Ken

The cruise was great, we met lots of people, in particular a young couple around our age that we wound up spending a lot of time with. At the end of the cruise, we told them of our plans to drive up the coast after the ship docked. We told them we had no way of getting to the car rental place when we got back, that we would probably just take a taxi. They had a better idea.

Their car was parked near the ship, and they offered us a ride to the rental outlet. But first, they suggested we go back to their house with them so we could see where they lived, and meet some of their freinds and family who would be coming by to welcome them back from their honeymoon. They were very nice and we all had got along so great on the cruise, so we accepted their offer.

Back at their house, they were quite proud to show off their new NY friends. After feeding us to a nice lunch, I suddenly felt a weeks worth of cruise food rumbling in my belly. I usually hate to foul someone elses house, but I knew that I had no choice, so I excused myself to the bathroom.

I took the dump of all dumps. The kind where your bowels explode and the sweat rolls off your forehead. I was holed up in their for at least 20 minutes before I finally felt my stomach was calm enough to get off the throne and clean up. They probably think I fell in, I thought to myself.

I looked proudly in the bowl at my creation, which was all muddy and splattered all over the bowl. I smiled as I pulled the lever to flush, but my smile quickly disappeared. Slowly the muddy water began to rise and approach the top of the bowl, as I prayed for it to stop. Of course it did not, as my liquid doody began to overflow and flood the floor of the bathroom. Chunks of crap floated over my feet as the water came rushing out of the bowl, and I stood there helpless. These nice people that I had known for only a week invited me into their lovely home, and what do I do but clog their toilet with my powerful dumpage.

I was actually pretty proud that my dump did so much damage, but having to leave that bathroom to inform my hosts what I did was one of the most embarrasing things I have ever had to do, next to cleaning up the mudslide I had created along with my hosts.

Although they laughed it off and teased me about it, we were never invited back again.
------ posted 6.10.02002 by Kev

So I call Linda and she says that she forgot to pay the bill. That really pissed me off -- I mean forgetting to pay it is one thing, but to do it more than once in a 3-month period is fucking mind numbing.

So this is what I do: Linda lives in the garage which someone converted into a room with a bathroom and everything. Outside she keeps her two dogs -- which one is retarted due to a fever at birth and is really stupid. So when you go out the door to her room, you have to go down three steps which are brown colored and not well lit at all. It was a cold day outside, so I decided hey why not use this to my advantage. I dropped a deuce, well deuce isn't the word, more like a pent if ya know what I mean, right on the second step down.

When she got home that day she couldn't smell it due to the cold making it freeze up a little. Then she said something like hi when she got home and took a step down, then another. Then she stepped right on it.

Before she knew what was going on she walked right into her room and tracked it all over the place. She screamed and I asked are you ok? and she ya but the dog to a big mother load crap right on the stairs and I stepped in it and dragged it all over the place. I just laughed and went back to playin on the computer.
------ posted 6.3.02002 by Airavus

I neglected to piss before leaving for home, and sure enough some way into the bus journey it became piercingly clear to me that I would have to piss. There was no toilet on the bus, so this meant a stop. Another co-worker of mine asked the driver to stop for me (I couldn't yet speak Japanese), which he immediately did, pulling to the edge of the quite narrow country road.

I jumped out to piss. It was so urgent I wasn't really even embarrassed at interrupting the trip for everyone. But -- ha! I was not alone. One after another of the cops got out to piss with me. I guess they were in the same situation as I was, but not yet so urgent! I didn't count but it must have been 10 or 15 guys. We all stood in a line along the side of the bus and pissed, and in my case this piss stop was a life saver.

Sequel: Funniest thing was several weeks later, my colleague (the bride) told me: "My husband said his colleagues told him they really enjoyed peeing with you after our wedding. They felt they got to know you better."

So in Japan first piss with a foreigner is a kind of bonding experience.
------ posted 6.3.02002 by softpooper

Three days later little old Heidi wasn't feeling all that great but I was stuck going to school anyway. Haha, poor Heidi's mom. Heidi had a major rank-ass case of diarhea. Anyway, Heidi felt a little rumbly in her tumbly while taking what was supposed to be a relaxing shower and went to go throw-up, ass naked, leaning over the porcelain bowl.

Little did she know, the substance in her stomach/bowels decided to take the back road. But, it was too late because Heidi could get her ass on the seat and she shitted all over the walls. I'm not talking little splurges here -- I'm talking about if I walked in I would have thought that she had put an ass-ranky-smelling new brown and green paint on the walls. So, rethink that nasty meat and when your not sure what that those little green spots on it are, dont eat it, just for your bathroom's sake.
------ posted 5.28.02002 by Alicia

I walked in to the bathroom to change the paper rolls (you know the ones that come out so you can dry your hands) and there's this old guy taking a dump in the urinal. And I didn't notice him really until I turned around. I mean, I saw a body over there but I didn't notice him sitting on the urinal. I looked at him and ask him what in the hell are you doing and he replies "I couldn't hold it anymore, the stalls are filled up."

Being stunned I just kinda said ok and walked out and told the manager. The manager said he would make someone else clean it up. I was thankful, but I will never see old men in the same way again.
------ posted 5.20.02002 by Brett

This, my friends, is the true barometer of success. If you can take a shit in a public place and retain your job. This story motivates me everyday to push myself, becuase I too have dreams.
------ posted 5.14.02002 by Sergeant Sweat Pants

On that day with just the three of us guys, the candyman came. We knew he was there but didn't really care to notice anything else. After he had left,I went into the bathroom to pee. As I am going, I glance down to notice that on the wall only about 4 or 5 inches above the floor between the potty and the wall is a big piece of poop stuck right to the wall.

I ran out of there and told the others to come see. We had all been working together all morning and no one was in there. It had to be the candyman.

In addition to the great tasting sweets and cookies he left in the candybox, that kind old candyman had left us a big slimy turd stuck to our bathroom wall. Who knows how many candy wrappers have minute traces of that feces on them.
------ posted 4.22.02002 by Royce McCadular

A Danish man having surgery on his backside broke wind and set his genitals alight.

A surgeon was removing a mole on his backside with an electric knife when the man broke wind, lighting a spark.

His genitals had been washed with surgical spirits and caught fire.

He's suing the hospital for pain and suffering and loss of income.

He says he had to take extra time off work and can't have sex with his wife. The hospital says it was an unfortunate accident.

"When I woke up, my penis and scrotum were burning like hell," the man told Danish Newspaper BT.

Surgeon Dr Jorn Kristensen said: "No-one considered the possibility the man would break wind during the operation, let alone that it would catch fire. It was an unfortunate accident."

The 30-year-old patient said: "I've had to be booked off work for longer than expected and, besides the pain, I can't have sex with my wife."

The operation which was being carried out at the Kjellerups hospital, was aborted immediately after the accident.

Reports say it's unlikely the doctor will face disciplinary action.
------ posted 4.16.02002 by Hershey Skwirtz

Somehow I managed to clear the tray full of muck. I'm sitting there, waiting for the bell to ring talking to my friends... and I feel the first sign of a horribly stenching fart coming on. I decide to let it go as we're walking out the doors in a crowd of students as to avoid getting caught in the act. I let it go... and then I feel a slight dampness on my upper leg.

I had a nice, steady flow of it, too. Whatever I tried, I could not get it to stop in time to haul ass to the restroom, or the Nurse's Office, where kids normally went to take shits to avoid the embarassment of having a confrontation in the stalls.

My lower control was terrible. I had a small, steady stream of poo juice running down my leg. "How much longer is this going to go?" I asked myself...

Just as I reached the bathroom, it stops. Just my luck. I do the best cleaning job I can, pausing when other students came in. It was a herioc task I completed, and I only had to skip two periods of classes. I will never forget that day at the school. I proved to myself that day that I could withstand whatever the world of poo would throw at me.
------ posted 4.8.02002 by T.J.

Urination can be done while simply floating in front of the WCS compartment. Using an electric fan, the WCS sucks urine down a flexible hose from a funnel that the crewmembers hold close to his or her body. Urine is stored temporarily and later dumped overboard. This process is simple, neat and almost as fast as using the commode on the ground.

For solid wastes, we're held down on the toilet seat by padded, spring-loaded bars swing over the thighs. Once an airtight, sliding valve opens underneath the seat, a fan blows air and solid waste downward, away from the body, into the storage tank below.

After cleanup, the astronaut closes the sliding valve, which exposes the waste in the holding tank to the vacuum of space. this sterilizes and deodorizes the waste in the tank; it returns to Earth in a "freeze-dried" form.

On the space station, the current Russian-built toilet dumps urine overboard, but stows solid waste in airtight metal cans. The cans are stored onboard until they can be returned to earth aboard a Progress cargo ship; the trash and waste burn up with the ship in the atmosphere.

From The Complete Idiot's Guide to NASA. By Thomas D Jones Ph.D. and Michael Benson. Copyright 2002 by Marie Butler-Knight. Page 16.
------ posted 4.1.02002 by Eric

I dont know if you remember me, or not, but I am the guy is always pooping on my friend jimmy's porch and ocassionally on his car.

Just last week when I was about to make my weekly deposit on his property I was driving past and I saw him in his car so I just thought I would keep going but after I went and got some fuel from taco bell, he was still in there. I think he suspects it is me, although I have no idea how he knows because I told nobody, but i Think he knows. So i just went home that night and didnt do it that night.

The next day he was asking me what i did the night before after my game and where I was when he called me. I made a pretty good alabi but i dont know if he bought it. I have also been getting some weird e-mails from someone i dont know, saying they are gonna beat my ass when they see me pooping on jimmy's stuff. But I never told anyone but you, and I was extra careful.

Also on my last succesful dropoff I swear i was being followed for a while, so i pulled over and the people kept circling me, when I was parked there, every 5 minutes they would drive past. I didnt recognize the vehicle or from what i could see the people in it.

I am worried he is on to me, and I think I may have to stop for good. It's actually been 10 days since my last succesful drop, so i am puzzled. But when I do it I disguise myself with a mask, and I am your average 6 foot senior with a slight muscular build. Even if they saw me, I dont know how they knew it was me.
------ posted 4.1.02002 by Mad POOPER (But for how LONG?)

When I was in the fourth grade, each classroom had it's own set of boys' and girls' bathrooms, each with a single toilet and sink. One day, my cousin came running out of the bathroom with a restrained grin on his face. He came over to me and told me to come and look at the huge turd that he just left in the toilet. He was snorting and giggling all the way back to bathroom.

The toilet was one of those with the long curved-out front and space in the middle of the seat, so it was longer from front to back than your typical house toilet. I looked in the crapper and saw the biggest turd that I've ever seen in my life.

The turd, all one solid piece, touched the back of the toilet and the front of the toilet -- about 14-16 inches -- and was about one-and-half-inches in diameter on one end... and gradually got bigger on the other. It was pretty straight and appeared to float on the water, but when we tried to flush it down, the water level dropped, and the turd actually stayed suspended in place with no water under it, like a bridge or something.

By this time, just about all of the boys had come into the bathroom to see what was going on and everyone was trying to get a glimpse of the "miracle turd."

We flushed it again and it started to give in the middle as the water level dropped out from under it again. By this time, our teacher had come in to see what was going on and I've got to believe that she probably never forgot this story either.

All of the boys had gone into the bathroom to see this huge turd... Anyway, we flushed about two more times and the turd finally folded in two and disappeared forever.
------ posted 3.26.02002 by Jack

NORTH RICHLAND HILLS, Feb. 26 - Seven Richland High School students are in trouble for a childish prank. Not only are they in trouble at school - they face criminal charges.

North Richland Hills Police Sgt. Andy Kancel said, "It happened last Wednesday night in the parking lot of this North Richland Hills discount store."

An off-duty officer noticed seven teenagers acting strange. Police said they were placing a dollar bill on the sidewalk, and then returning to their car to videotape people picking up the bill.

Turns out, police said, the teens had put human feces on it.

Sgt. Kancel said, "I haven't actually seen all the tape. I saw a small portion of it. But basically they are filming the reactions that they get from these subjects that are out on the street or on the sidewalk when they pick up the dollar bill with the feces on it."

Police said the same teens also pulled another prank, putting an outhouse in somebody's front yard.

Officers said what the teens did was a lot more than just a teenage prank.

"Well, I think when you look at the big picture, you have the totality of the circumstances warranted the issuance of the tickets... the misdemeanor criminal mischief citations," Sgt. Kancel said.

All seven teens played on Richland High School's baseball team. They were suspended Friday night.

In a twist to all this, the police department has launched an internal investigation into complaints by two parents that officers may have violated procedures. But it's unclear exactly what the parents claim the officers did.

Police said the videotape the teens made is evidence and won't release it. NBC 5 couldn't reach the students' parents for comment because police haven't yet released their names.
------ posted 3.11.02002 by Dave

JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there.

GEORGE: They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. you're surrounded by reading material. It's entrapment!

JERRY: (Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy) 'French Impressionist Paintings'?

GEORGE: I find the soothing pastorial images very conducive-

JERRY: (Cutting him off) Thank you very much.

-- From Seinfeld, "The Bookstore"
------ posted 3.4.02002 by Dave

After a while my Aunt Anne broke wind and at first I thought that's all it was. However, she carried on farting and I soon realised that she needed a poo and badly. I was too polite to say anything about it and so were the others present.

As time passed by she was farting nineteen to the dozen whilst remaining as cool as a cucumber from the waist upwards. The smell coming from under her skirt was powerful to say the least. Luckily it was more the 'stewed veg' variety than the 'rotten egg' one.

This carried on for about half an hour and just as I thought Aunt Anne was about to poo herself she got up, said "Excuse me," and hurried to the outside toilet which, luckily for her, wasn't too far away. As luck would have it, Aunt Anne managed to get to the toilet in time and, barely making it, narrowly avoided an accident.

Since then I've often wondered what it would have been like if she'd left it a moment too long and messed herself.

I love Aunt Anne very much though and this story is in no way a criticism of her.
------ posted 3.4.02002 by Adrian

We were walking around aimlessly not knowing what to do with it. Do we put it in someones mailbox? Put it in a vacant car window? Then we saw the perfect place......the playground. What little kid wouldn't open a can that was sitting in the slide? I definately would at that age.

So we planted it next to the slide and hadn't seen it the next day. It was gone. We ventured all around the playground and it was no where to be found.

So we got bored of looking and walked down a couple blocks to get something to eat. And there it was sitting opened on a guys porch ready for someone to step on it. I noticed some giggily kids in the bushes and they were throwing rocks at the front door. The door opens and the guy steps on the can shooting out the poo on his shoes.

He yells something like "damn kids!" Laughing too hard to remember, not that the guy stepped on it, but the fact that it was my turd, reused for a poop crime.
------ posted 2.26.02002 by Brett

I'm an early waker and am usually at the office by 6:30am. I'll browse the internet for the morning news until about 6:50 or 7:00, that familiar bowel growl starts. I'll take the section of the paper with the crossward puzzle, a can of Skoal and a pen, and spend anywhere from 15-40 minutes on the crapper. The dirty work usually is over within the first several minutes. The rest of the time is devoted to the crossword. If its a difficult crossword that takes a while, I'll often summons up another brown banana toward the end of my stay in the stall. That's always a treat.

The worst is when a coworker unexpectedly comes in and takes the adjoining stall. I get absolutely furious when this happens. I will mutter under my breath "You mother&%^$*#, what the ^%$& is wrong with you?" But, I don't wait him out, for I cannot. I must have solitude. Plus, I can't stand the smell after the other guy's dreadful good morning greeting.

I'll pack up, shove the crossword in my pocket and head out. I'll wait a while and go back to complete the feat. I am usually able to figure out which coworker interrupted me and will avoid him for the rest of the day, perhaps the week, for his rude interruption. It really ruins my day.
------ posted 2.11.02002 by JT

Jimmy always tells me about how he's gonna catch the jerk thats doing it and always says he's gonna stay up and he tells me what night. I have been doing this for about 3 months. I know he doesn't know its me.

I have now begun taking poops on the hood of his car and he is really starting to get pissed off. He tells me he stays up with his .22 all the time and says he's gonna shoot that Jerk. We call him THE MAD POOPER.
------ posted 2.11.02002 by Bling Bling

Milton was one of those introverted guys that spent most of his time in his room watching Star Wars movies and acting out every scene with Darth Vader in it. He actually had a Darth Vader helmet that he wore around the dorm.

If that doesn't sound strange enough, Milton had some serious issues with the communal bathrooms. See, his problem was that he couldn't poop in the toilets. Taking a piss was okay because he didn't have to sit down, but taking a crap... I don't know if he was afraid of the toilet itself or what might have been lurking on the toilet seat.

What I do know, is what he actually used that Darth Vader helmet for. If you were ever in a room with Milton, and he left suddenly, you knew he was heading to his room to lock the door, take off the helmet, poop in it, and then dump the contents of the helmet into the toilet. No joke.

The worst part is that he would continue to wear the Darth Vader helmet. We never even knew if he washed it out. I really don't think he did because Milton wasn't one of the best smelling guys on the floor if you know what I mean...
------ posted 2.4.02002 by Jen

-- Kramer, from "Seinfeld" Episode 101: The Fusilli Jerry
------ posted 1.29.02002 by Dave

BANGKOK (Reuters) - Power-hungry Thailand plans to get the most out of its prison population -- by turning their excrement into gas.

After a successful nationwide campaign to turn pig dung into gas, Thai authorities are now looking for new sources of energy to reduce dependency on costly imported fossil fuels.

"We have been very successful in making bio-gas from pig waste, so our next step is to try it on human beings," Piyasvasti Amranand, head of Thailand's energy policy office, told Reuters.

"To make bio-gas from people waste, we need a place where lots and lots of people live together, and a Bangkok prison is an ideal place," he said.

Thailand's prisons hold some 240,000 inmates, many of whom are drug addicts or small-time drug traffickers.
------ posted 1.29.02002 by Matthew S.

From Survivor, by Chuck Palahniuk
------ posted 1.21.02002 by Dave

We went back to her apartment. Melissa stomach hurt more and more. She told me she is ready to go poop. We went her bathroom. She put her pants down. She sat down on the toilet. She go let the nature take her course. She told me that she has to start pushing. She started to push and moan and groan.

Melissa having trouble getting her poop out. Her face was getting redder and redder. She said this hard poop I haven't had before. She started to wriggle around and pushing. There weren't nothing. Then she started to stand and sqat and push. Her stomach was hurting more and more. She said the poop is coming but is slow. she look down she could see the head of the poop.

it finally came out. It was still coming. she said this good. It is coming. It finally feel in the toilet. It was very long. She said here come cramp. she said I am not done yet. She started to push. A log came out. She start push again. The more she push the there were logs coming out. Then she was finish.

She told me has gone to the bathroom for two days. I told next time I think you should to go.
------ posted 1.21.02002 by Meredith.

This quote is about the birth of Enron out of a merger. -Editor

"The merged company [Enron], with Mr. Lay in charge, announced plans to change its name to Enteron -- until company executives learned that this was also another word for the digestive tract."
------ posted 1.15.02002 by Dave

Several years back, we had a disfunctional family get-together & hay ride at my cousin Leon's idyllic midwestern farm -- the kind of gathering folks in these parts had when rich relatives visited from out-of-state, with kids of all ages, and where nobody was drunk other than Leon. Leon is a few years older than me -- he lives and breathes shit & farts (puns, of course, intended). It's the absolute joy of his life... his reason for being.

It was a beautiful, mid-summer evening, and the sun was shining past 9:30 at that time of year. We were all having a great time. After a couple of hours, we noticed that Leon had started trying to suppress laughter... and that he was teasing Uncle Billy (his dad). After very little urging, Leon told us the embarrASSing story.

Dear, sweet Uncle Billy had committed the old I-thought-it-was-a-fart error in judgment. Fortunately, or so he thought, he did it when nobody was very near him. He went into the house to take off the offending underwear and sneaked the smelly, soiled, soggy shorts outside & attempted to bury them! What a great idea! Billy's plan was foiled, however, when his first-born, Leon, happened along.

Leon's reaction to his discovery was to laugh his ass off... but sympathetic, caring guy that he is, he eventually tried to help his paternal parent. He decided to save his dear dad's ass in a time of crisis... anything to shield Pop from unspeakable humiliation.

Leon decided that time was of the essence in order to avoid detection of the deed by anyone else. Why waste time with a shovel? He hatched a scheme to save precious seconds. Using a post-hole digger, Leon buried Uncle Billy's problematic poop!

Less than two hours later, amid snickers, chuckles, & guffaws, Leon told everyone the whole story.
------ posted 1.14.02002 by Grandma.

Image from Freep.com

Diamonds are forever? Randy Griffin probably hopes not.

The Algonac man allegedly swallowed a diamond after a heist in Roseville and has been in custody waiting for it to pass.

The hospital gave him laxatives but had not retrieved the stone as of Thursday evening. At first, Griffin denied swallowing the diamond but has since confessed. He was nervous about perforation, Roseville police said Thursday.

In the custody of the Macomb County Sheriff's Department, Griffin, 35, was still dealing with the gem Thursday at Mt. Clemens General Hospital.

"The nurses are there to watch him do his thing, and giving him something to help the process along," Macomb County Sheriff Mark Hackel said Thursday.

Griffin is charged with larceny from a person, which is a felony, after he allegedly swallowed at least one stolen diamond from the Jewelry Exchange on Gratiot and 12 Mile in Roseville on Saturday. While looking at two loose, 1-carat diamonds worth $8,200 combined, Griffin replaced them with fake ones, police said.

When an employee confronted Griffin after weighing the fakes, Griffin tried to flee, police said. Customers captured him before police arrived.

When police could not find the stolen stones on Griffin they took him for X-rays and located what appeared to be a diamond in his stomach, said Roseville Police Deputy Chief Michael Pachla. The other diamond is unaccounted for.

A hearing is scheduled for Wednesday in 39th District Court. If the diamond hasn't passed, a judge may have to determine whether surgery is necessary, Pachla said.

--- FOLLOW UP ---

MAN SUSPECTED OF SWALLOWING STOLEN DIAMOND ASKS JUDGE FOR SURGERY TO REMOVE IT
By Ben Schmitt
Detroit Free Press Staff Writer

Wednesday, January 9, 2002

A larceny suspect who swallowed a diamond during a heist in Roseville begged a judge today to order a medical procedure to remove the stone.

Randy Griffin, 35, tearfully told Judge Joseph Boedeker in 39th District Court that he is frightened because the diamond, swallowed on Dec. 29, has not passed.

"I need this out of me," he said. "I'm scared. I really am."

Boedeker said he would need medical evidence that the diamond could harm Griffin before he ordered any medical procedures. Boedeker said costs and liability would also be an issue.

"I will pay for it," Griffin said.

A preliminary hearing on the felony, larceny from a person charge was postponed until Jan. 25. Griffin's court-appointed lawyer, Cyril Pessina, said he will try to gather more medical evidence on what should be done to recover the diamond by them.

Assistant Macomb County Prosecutor James Biernat said he has a case without the diamond because Griffin has already confessed.

"Right now we know where the diamond is," Biernat said.

Griffin swallowed at least one stolen diamond Dec. 29 from the Jewelry Exchange on Gratiot and 12 Mile in Roseville, police said. Two diamonds are missing from the store, but only one has shown up on an X-ray of Griffin, said Roseville Deputy Chief Michael Pachla. The other diamond remained unaccounted for.
------ posted 1.7.02002 and 1.10.02002 by Chip Brown.

So after a few times hanging out at my house, we went to his house. The house was nice and normal, but it was a little dirty. So we headed upstairs to his room, when I walked in, I was overwhelmed by the smell of piss. It was so bad, I had to excuse myself, and act like I was going to the bath room.

The part that made this story the worst is this: I talked to his older brother, and it turns out the kid pissed the bed almost every other night, and neither his parents, nor him, ever washed his sheets, and his windows were always closed. I had the hardest time going over to that kids house, it was foul!
------ posted 1.2.02002 by Chadikus.

People of all ages have come to the tower to jump off. It is mildly thrilling and hurts your feet a bit. The local university high dive team used it to practice off of at one time.

One day my friend Nate and I decided to go do some jumping. We had jumped enough times to be bored and tired. We were just relaxing on the top of the tower catching some rays, when the urge to shit hit me. It was at least twenty minutes to the nearest public rest room.

I told Nate that I had to take a crap. Nate got that crazy look in his eyes. He said to me "shit off of the tower!" We discussed it for a few minutes and concluded the best way to ensure my privacy and for him to get the best angle of the shit hitting the water from 40 feet was for him to climb halfway down the ladder and watch.

When Nate was in position, I dropped my swimming trunks and proceeded to the edge of the tower. It took some dexterity to have my ass extend over the edge of the tower without falling. At first I didn't think I could go through with it, but then out she came. It was a pretty big shit and it fell 40 feet and hit the water without much of a splash. I peered over the edge to see a mass of poop spread out and floating over about a 10 square foot area of water.
------ posted 12.17.02001 by Pbmax.

Coffee drinkers are going bananas over a brew that's made of MONKEY DUNG.

Brits are flooding exclusive US stockists with orders for the brew, called Kopi Luwak, made from berries that have passed through the digestive system of Indonesian monkeys. Unlucky coffee plantation staff have to search through the dung to gather the bizarre "harvest" of coffee berries, which are said to emerge virtually intact.

Experts reckon the monkey business gives the drink a unique "earthy" taste, which has made it the most expensive and sought-after coffee in the world.

It is in such short supply - just 500 lb of it is harvested a year - that it is virtually impossible to get hold of in Britain and has only limited availability in the States and Japan.

Experts say the brew first came to light hundreds of years ago, when explorers sampled it on the Indonesian isles of Java, Sumatra and Sulawesi.

The monkey - known as the Palm Toddy Cat - lives on a diet of alcoholic tree sap and coffee berries.

US-based food and drink critic Chris Rubin said:

"Whether it's because the intestinal juices give some special flavour or because it eats only perfectly ripe berries, the Toddy Cat's droppings produce what many say is the world's finest coffee."

Some exclusive US outlets sell Kopi Luwak for around a FIVER a cup.

US Coffee supplier Mark Mountanos has snapped up 110 lb of the beans.

He said: "We've had interest from all over the world because it is very hard to get hold of."

US coffee shop owner Richard Karno ordered a pound from Mark's firm - but only after he convinced him it wasn't a joke.

He said: "It's the best coffee I've ever tasted. It smells musty, but it roasts up real nice."
------ posted 12.10.02001 by Jennifer.

The Problem: Prarie dog craps

The Answer: Use the brand new (and not adjusted) toilet in the model home

Here's how it went. After a 2 hour ride in the car, I was brewing, ready for my daily 3 o'clock dump. We were let into the house, and that's when it hit me. I needed to crap!

I broke off from the group when they went upstairs, and bolted to the bathroom, hastily removing my pants and boxers, releasing before contact with orcelain. After about 3 logs, I reached around for the handle... pulled it... and all it was... hiss... hiss... no water movement... CRAP!

I reached over, took the TP, did the work, then looked at my mess. And DAMN did it stank. That's when I heard the group go past the door, and a man asked, "do you have a bathroom I can use?" and the realtor responded, "yeah upstairs, this one dosent flush."

It's then I dropped to my knees and started praying. About a minute later I hit the lever again, and a louder hiss, but still no movement. I then became angry with God. I started cursing, punched the toiled, and then... I heard the almighty gurgle... HALLELEUYAH! Now I just had to deal with the stank. I ran out, shut the door, bolted outside and waited in the car.

And thats why I believe in God.
------ posted 12.3.02001 by Cam.