"WHEN YOU DROP A GHOST POOP: You Know Poop Comes Out, Wipe... No Poop. Look in Toilet... No Evidence Of Poop, Where Does It Go?"

In a PoopReport exclusive, Joe C. provides us a sneak preview of his main thesis:

My findings are that I believe there is some sort of wormhole in the space-time continuum where the poop is free to move from one universe into it's parallel universe. Also, this process can move in reverse, for example, when you poop what you think is a rather insignificant poop... only to find that apparently a large, brown submarine has surfaced in your toilet. We call this phenomena "The Valsava Hypothesis." Named after the Bulgarian proctologist Brakov Valsava, who vanished one Autumn afternoon after doing a TV interview where he made wild proclamations regarding the wormhole theory. He is believed to have been taken by Russian inteligence, possibly the pooping wing of the KGB, to reconstruct his experiments in a lab somewhere in Siberia. A man truly ahead of his time in the realm of poop physics.

Professor C., the poop community and the entire world breathlessly await your findings.
------ posted 11.16.02001 by Joe C. and Matt.

When I was about 25 I realized I wasn't a kid anymore when I got my first really bad 'roid.

Everyone thinks they're funny until it happens to you. Wiping after a shit becomes a painful experience. The medications are also unpleasant because not only to you have to wipe cream on your own asshole, you walk around feeling like you forgot to wipe.

Two years ago I had the largest 'roid of my life. It was so big I thought I might have to go see a doctor.

One little side affect about having a 'roid right in your butthole: your long, snake-like turds come out looking like they've been throught the "Play-Doh Fun Factory."
------ posted 11.16.02001 by Zeek.

If you can't urinate, you will in a few weeks. If you are urinating frequently during the night, that will stop. If this by chance does not work for you, we will refund your money. Willow Flower strengthens the prostate, has been shown to get rid of the swelling. Get started and watch. (you do not have to stop taking Sal Palmetto, do them both) We do not fully understand how this herb works but we have seen it work over 90% of the time. (Not FDA tested or approved) These cases include frequent urination, urination blockage, some effect on erection problems and more. Willow Flower Herb comes from Germany and has been in the U.S. for a short time.

This is not a capsule or tablet. It is pure wild grown herb that you make tea out of. Tea is the best method to use in order to get the maximum benefit from an herb. Warm liquid that extracts the nutrients from the herb while simmering is far more potent then ingesting a pill.

Willow Flower Herb has a history of working well with women's urinary problems as well.

To order online click here or call 718 264-2325

$44 per quarter pound. Approx. 70 cups of tea.

78$ per half pound

6.95 three day shipping

This product is not FDA approved. It is a food, it can not be FDA approved. It is not intended to treat disease.
------ posted 11.8.02001 by Dave.

At one point during the night, Chris's step-father poked his head in and said something along the lines of, "burns going in, burns going out..." Being the foolish teenage punk-ass little shits that we were, we ignored his advice.

The next day, I experienced what Hell must be like. It was pure agony. It was like someone had taken a hot knife to my bowels and was viscously twisting it about, shredding the organs indiscriminateley... I ran to the toilet, slammed the door shut, and managed to squeeze out a little squirt of what felt like magma, before my rectum slammed shut out of pain, fear, and revulsion.

I spent an hour on that toilet, trying to expel the magnitudes of spiced poop sauce from my agonized colon, constantly wiping with some baby wipes that were in the medicine cabinet, trying to get this fiery substance off my chocolate starfish before blisters formed.

I called Chris, who wasn't faring much better. We decided to listen to our elders when it came to biological functions after that experience.
------ posted 10.19.02001 by J.P.

On most days I will go home for lunch and drop my bomb. But today we are taking a co-worker out to lunch since it is his last day with our company. Well, as I write this, I am pinching in my loaf.

A few minutes ago I got a little courage up and scoped out the bathroom. Nobody was in there, but the stalls were a mess!! My favorite, the hanicapped stall, had a toilet full of urine, feces, and toilet paper. The other two looked a little nasty as well, so I just left the bathroom totally unsatisfied.

So we will be leaving for lunch shortly, and I will have to sit there holding my own. I am having fantasies of checking out the bathroom at the resturant, but I am sure it will be a letdown. I just might be holding this load until after work... at least I have something to look forward to!

I spend to much time and energy at work worrying about my bowel movements... I could be using it to get some work done!
------ posted 10.10.02001 by Doniker.

Well, it worked for 30 minutes until gym got over and students told the teacher as he left there is crap on the floor. They looked around and picked out me. Humm, well, I went to the principle got sent home. It was ok until mom got a call. It would have been cool but because she fussed I got two day suspension.

Well I was back by Friday, although I got a lot more grief than it was worth for many years to come. That hurt.

Better yet is the story from my cousin who puled prank way back in the 70s. He stayed behind after school in the bathroom. By going into the Janitor's Room, he was able to crawl through the ducts to the Principal's office. Well, this guy was a bad ass and the kids feared him. My cousin, being a smart ass, pulled a good one...
------ posted 10.3.02001 by Regg Eckmann.

Now I think my heart has parted
Payed a dime and only farted.
Yesterday I took a chance:
Saved a dime, but shat my pants.

Now I sit in smelly vapor;
Some asshole stole the toilet paper.
How much longer will I linger
Before I have to use my finger?
------ posted 9.23.02001 by Vargus.

As it was too far away to go back to the farmhouse, I went to the toilet in a nearby shed. I eased off my jeans and relieved myself, leaving a large and stinky turd in the bowl. I the wiped and tried to flush, but the flush wasn't working! I had no choice except leave that horrible thing in the bowl.

When I opened the door, I saw a very handsome of my friends say "Hi!" and enter the toilet behind me. Oh, boy, he'd be absolutely sure it was I who left that enourmous shit there. I was terribly ashamed and could barely look at the boy during maybe a month after that.
------ posted 9.19.02001 by Bianca.

TOKYO, Japan (AP) -- Ever looked at 78 different kinds of poop? You can in Japan, where an animal and human excrement display is being shown at the Tokyo Science Museum. The exhibit -- titled "All the Poop" -- arrived in Tokyo this month from Osaka. Organizers say they wanted children to learn about health and the environment by seeing fossils and dried dung-heaps. Visitors learn that a hyena's droppings are slightly white because they eat bones. Koala poop smells good since they eat eucalyptus leaves.

Every museum exhibit is complete with souvenirs -- and this one doesn't disappoint.

Big sellers include moose-dropping key chains, wrapping paper made of recycled elephant dung, and postcards of animals pooping.
------ posted 9.4.02001 by Sarah.

But today I had to get in early for a 9 A.M. meeting. I arrived at 8:57 and grabbed a cup of coffee to help me wake up. Now it's 9:15 and my stomach is gurgling.

We all know that coffee makes you poo, but steady coffee drinkers build up an immunity to those laxative effects. However, I clearly have lost my resistance over the last couple of weeks -- my insides are churning and bubbling. The worst part is, my meeting will start any second now, so I can't go take care of this. This is going to be a bad meeting.
------ posted 8.24.02001 by Dave

WASHINGTON (Reuters Health) - Expert advisors to the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) endorsed on Friday the approval of a novel implantable device designed to imitate the function of the sphincter muscle and help prevent uncontrollable bowel movements.

The FDA Gastroenterology and Urology Devices Panel voted 7 to 1 in favor of recommending the approval of American Medical System's Acticon Neosphincter, a silicone-based prosthesis consisting of a balloon and control pump.

The device was designed to imitate the sphincter muscle by allowing patients to open the anal canal using the control pump to inflate the balloon. Read more...
------ posted 8.21.02001 by Hairy Pooter.

What's that big sucking sound?

It's water music. The sweet swoosh of 900 toilets flushing. All at the same time.

People at Invesco Field call it The Grand Flush. Skedded for this Saturday, staffers and volunteers will synchronize their watches and, at the same exact second, flush every urinal and toilet in the new stadium.

Ahhhh.

Seems it must be done in unison - as that is pretty much the situation for all of halftime and when the bands take a break. And it must be tested before the stadium opens to the public Aug. 11.

Women will be pleased that there's "potty parity" at Invesco, with more than twice the number of women's rooms than at Mile High and almost triple the number of stalls. Men will get twice the number of urinals and stalls.

All together now!
------ posted 8.13.02001 by Dave

Eat a large bowl of shredded wheat and swallow a 12 ounce glass of prune juice with mineral oil added -- about a 1/4 cup of mineral oil to your prune juice. While prune juice usually causes the runs, the mineral oil slows down the poop time to 7 hours or more... and then the poop comes out thick and creamy, which is contained in your plastic diapers, giving you pleasure for up to 12 hours. Use potato flakes and psyllium to contain the urine in a solid form that is smooth and well blended with your poop.

This makes a common work day into a pleasure-filled day every time you sit or bend over. No smell escapes, so while you ride public transit, no one else except you will know the pleasures of creamy shit filled underwear. Caution: be sure to use cod liver oil cream to protect your privates from irratation. Enjoy!.
------ posted 8.7.02001 by Thomas Fecess.

SPARTANBURG - Long lines at the Division of Motor Vehicles and no on-site janitor left a man's feces sitting on the floor for two hours when the customer had a medical problem in the waiting room.

David Burgis, the division's deputy director, said no janitor is at the Fairforest Road office here to handle emergencies.

The cleaning service is contracted through a service that cleans the building once a day, Burgis said.

The office manager asked the man's daughter to take the man to the bathroom, but she refused. The manager called the cleaning service, but workers could not respond immediately.

Brenda Hatcher, who was in line, said some customers left, but most stayed because they didn't want to give up their place in line.

"There was never any thought to close the office because there were so many people in line," Burgis said.

Workers changed the line configuration and taped off a chair so customers could avoid the fecal matter the man spread over several areas of the room.

The man did get his driver's license renewed and left about an hour after the accident.
------ posted 7.30.02001 by Doniker

But anyways, recently I have had to poo EVERY day. It's confusing me because I haven't been eating more... if anything, I've been eating less. I think my body is rejecting nutrients.

But besides these new daily poos, they have been massive poos -- I mean, the kind that are so long they force themselves through the hole at the bottom of the poo-recycler... and these things are thick. I dont know why I shared my change in poo's but I did... and you got a new term for toilet out of it, so be happy.
------ posted 7.23.02001 by Brian.

That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
------ posted 7.17.02001 by Dave's Mom.

At about 4 A.M., I heard someone outside my tent. I woke up and Chris was standing in front of nothing, acting as if there was a fire there. I just thought he was trippin out, then he turned and looked at me and had poop all over his face and hands.

"I ATE HIPPY SHIT" he told me. I quickly zipped the tent closed and made sure he didn't come in, and when I woke up and gathered all my gear and made it to the parking lot, there was Chris... sitting in his tighty whities with shit all over himself.

Everyone that I walked past asked me "are you with the kid who ate shit last night?" I never told a soul I was. On the way home he told me (after I made his nasty self swim and wash) that Jerry Garcia told him to try the shit acid and that he had sold his pants for $20.
------ posted 7.11.02001 by StinkBurger.

Last week the receptionist at my office found out about PoopReport -- and, more specifically, about my involvement with PoopReport. As I've discussed before, everyone going to the bathroom has to walk by our receptionist's desk. I've always assumed she just sits quietly and takes notes. But I guess because I run a poop site, I'm different. Today, as I walked past her for my morning B.M., she looked up, glanced at her watch, and said:

"You're a little early today, aren't you?"

Inappropriate, Michelle! Public Dave = The PoopReport Guy. Private Dave = someone who wants to take a crap without any comments from the audience.

Sigh... Such are the hardships one must face when one runs a site about poop.
------ posted 7.2.02001 by Dave.

He fought the food, and the food won.

A month and a half ahead of schedule, the incarcerated Al Sharpton ended his famous no-eating diet last night. The somewhat-less-rotund reverend-he's down 25 pounds in 31 days-presumably took a deep breath, lifted a prison fork to his parted lips and dispatched a morsel of solid food in the general direction of his legendary digestive tract.

Then a second one.

And a third one.

And a fourth one.

And if the rules of nutritional science still hold, all those morsels-and the ones that followed-could be expected to race frantically through Sharpton's fragile innards and emerge, quite swiftly, out the other end...

(read more...)
------ posted 6.29.02001 by NewJenny.

Since the Internet first extended its reach into the popular consciousness -- and, truth be told, for quite a while before that -- a plague has spread throughout the Internet community, propagating itself viruslike through the Web and into our e-mail boxes. Like the worst infections, it started out innocuously and became malignant so gradually that most of us have yet to realize how detrimental it truly is.

I refer, of course, to the joke haiku.

Like a hideous genetic mutation in a 1950s-era grade-B science fiction film, these seventeen-syllable poems have been borrowed from classical Japanese culture by well-meaning would-be humorists and distorted so completely from their original intended use that they threaten to permanently warp our capacity for humorous expression, if they are not stopped.

I therefore make this proposal to you, my fellow Internet enthusiasts: that as of right now, we agree to completely eliminate the production and propagation of joke haikus on the Internet. Don't write them, don't forward them to your friends, don't even acknowledge their existence. Only through concerted effort can we stamp out this menace completely.

That's from A Call for the Complete Elimination of Joke Haiku Production on the Internet. Fortunately, I don't think our poo haikus are what he's talking about... as far as I'm concerned, poo haikus are about the truth and beauty of poo. Joke haikus? Far from it, my friend.
------ posted 6.20.02001 by Dave

Since the site was still in its infancy, most of the tales were short and basic in form and detail. I believed at the time (and still do) that a poop story can have the detail and drama of a great short story. One mustn't have the belief that a story involving such lowbrow bathroom humor cannot be expressed with the wit and scholarly skill of an O'Henry Award-winning tale.

And thus came The Unflushables. I had no idea I would be setting any kind of standard for the site. But alas, Dave has asserted: "[The Unflushables] was the first [poop story] with the pun-filled, narrative style that has since permeated the site. This inauspicious piece has become the de facto stylistic template for PoopReport."

I am honored with this notoriety, and proud that my story has been chosen to commemorate PoopReport's 50,000th flush.

Flush On You Crazy Diamonds,
------ posted 6.15.02001 by Jeff.

Looking into the bowl, I noticed that the turd was not short, or not even long. No, not this turd. For this turd was in the shape of a horseshoe. I was vexed by the odd shape of my poop. Hoping to erase the image from my mind, I immidiately went to flush the turd.

The water began flowing down, yet the turd wouldn't break up, nor was it small enough to pass into the sewage pipe. At this point I became a bit worried about someone possibly finding this if it couldn't be flushed, but then I realized they'd probably just blame it on mom.
------ posted 6.12.02001 by Steve.

BEIJING (Reuters) - More than three million Chinese drink their own urine in the belief it is good for their health, the official Xinhua news agency reported on Friday.

Participants at a recent seminar on the practice in the northeastern city of Shenyang were told that urine contains many active ingredients which strengthen the immune system, Xinhua said.

"Urine contains no bacterium and is more sanitary than blood," Yang Liansheng, a professor from the Liaoning Institute of Traditional Chinese Medicine, was quoted as saying.

Engineer Zhu Jinfu told the seminar he had been drinking his own urine since he was 13 and had lived a healthy life for the last 58 years, Xinhua said.

Many of his forefathers had also lived to a ripe old age thanks to urine therapy, he said.
------ posted 6.5.02001 by Corey.

story: First we must say, we visit every day! We've submitted a story but haven't seen it posted, maybe you recall it, "The Fueled Flying Shit???" There are three girls in the office, and we all have nicknames... "Big Chunks" "Turtle Pooper" and "Constant Pooper"... we share a co-ed bathroom and I really think the guys are scared when we exit the fumigation lounge!!! We can hear people blow their nose in there, so... we know they hear the plops!!!! Yeah!!!!
--------------------------------------

The cool thing about running PoopReport is that I get emails like this.

Girls, you're awesome! I love you! But I don't remember getting your story... and you didn't give me your email address! Your story sounds like PoopReport material. Send it again!
------ posted 5.21.02001 by Dave

dave's mom:    that was wonderful...maybe you could avoid putting in the really disgusting comments from your readers. your site might be a bit more decent
dave's mom:    don't quote me anymore
dave:    i think i have to quote you
dave:    it's funny
dave's mom:    no - i make lots of funnies but that's serious
dave:    why not?
dave's mom:    because you seem to have a problem with a normal body function - do not quote
dave:    mom, the more you say to me, the more likely it'll go online
dave's mom:    bye
dave:    i don't see why this bothers you, you're being funny
dave:    you're entertaining america!
dave's mom:    and you're disgusting america
------ posted 5.14.02001 by Dave

"Also, if I am standing at the urinal and I can see someone's shoes in the stall, I will also make a good ol' fake fart noise. I am good at making them sound authentic. Of course if I have a real fart built up, that is even better."
------ posted 5.7.02001 by DEwillget8.

A 51-year-old woman was yesterday subjected to a harrowing two-hour ordeal when she was imprisoned in a hi-tech public convenience.

Maureen Shotton, from Whitley Bay, was captured by the maverick cyberloo during a shopping trip to Newcastle-upon-Tyne. The toilet, which boasts state-of-the-art electronic auto-flush and door sensors, steadfastly refused to release Maureen, and further resisted attempts by passers-by to force the door.

Maureen was finally liberated when the fire brigade ripped the roof off the cantankerous crapper.

Maureen's terrifying experience confirms that it is a short step from belligerent bogs to Terminator-style cyborgs hunting down and exterminating mankind.
------ posted 4.24.02001 by Dave

Pest controllers in Denver are lacing bird seed with hallucinogenic drugs to try and control the city's population of pigeons.

Corn is soaked in a substance called Avitrol which sends the birds into convulsions, sometimes fatal, that scare away the rest of the flock.

City workers say that with so many pigeons on bad trips fewer people than usual are being `messed on.'

Denver has to spend 100,000 US dollars on power-washing pigeon-soiled city centre buildings, according to the Denver Post.

John Hall, manager of public office buildings, said: "It got to the point where you felt like you needed ski goggles to look up at the City and County Building."

But animal rights activist Catherine Hurlbutt is fuming: "It takes 40 pigeons pooping all day in one place to equal what a dog leaves on my lawn in one drop.

"You're not supposed to say a bad word about dogs, but people think it's OK to poison pigeons," she said.
------ posted 4.16.02001 by Dave

My roommate and I wondered who would go through all the trouble to make such a pretty sign! Later in the week, someone put a post-it note on the sign which read "Loser." We thought it would be fun to make our own signs, so we made up a bunch of "poop" signs and put one up everyday.

There were poems, like "If you are feeling low and uncool, don't you worry, we all make stool!" And "If you miss when you poop or piss, please be kind and leave it behind! Share with others!"

We drew pictures and wrote things like, "If your poop is bigger than this, please chop it up before flushing!" We even did holiday themed signs.
------ posted 3.27.02001 by Beth.

OSLO (Reuters) - A sex-starved moose in Norway mistook a small, yellow car for a would-be partner, but defecated on it after it got no response.

Leif Borgersen, owner of the Ford Ka model, told the Norwegian regional daily Telemarksavisa Tuesday that he found his car bathed in lick marks, saliva and moose excrement.

Borgersen says the moose left its mark on the front yard of his home in Lardal, about 125 miles southwest of Oslo.

"The front yard was simply transformed into an outdoor toilet," he said. "I'm a bit uncertain whether I should take the risk of letting the car stand alone and defenseless on the front yard from now on."

There was no damage to the car apart from the sideview mirror that was bent backwards.
------ posted 3.22.02001 by Dave.

Last week, the computer made me change my password, and I couldn't think of a word that I would definitely remember, so I typed in the first thing that came to my mind.

On Monday, I overslept. I woke up at around 10 a.m. and called my boss to tell her I wouldn't be in at 9. She was a little frantic.

"I need to get into your computer. You didn't send out that report on Friday, and it needs to be there now! I tried ******** but that password doesn't work anymore. What's the new one?"

I paused. "Uh, yeah, the new password. It's... Uh...

"POOPHEAD"
------ posted 3.8.02001 by Joe.

After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him. Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere." The others nod, and the meeting continues.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Warren starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.

When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?" The others nod, and the meeting continues.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Donald emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."
------ posted 2.1.02001 by Dave.

Wart-encrusted sebaceous growths
Pustulating, bleeding piles are what I boast
Scabby and blistered pectoral skin flakes away
As my crushed bowels evacuate much to my dismay...

Faecal tripe - take a bite
Urinary swill - take your fill

Squeeze out the pus, perforate the rash
Munch the mouldy scabs, lick the septic gash...
Eroded crispy bowels, corrosive putrid breath
Collapsing, slushy lungs, my diaphragm pickled in meths...

Renal ulcerations, faecal gurgitations
Costive crepitations, complete anal disgorgement...
Disinterring organs, pus, urine and sewage
Thrust into your naval, to soak up ascitic fluids...

An abrasive concoction is formed in my throat
Methylated bile, jaundiced kidneys bloat
Tumorous stomach, coughing up gall
The thorax infected with furuncles and boils...

The sight of my abdomen, shrivelling and gurgling
The reek of my bloody pleura, stagnating and curdling
Cynical and sarcastic, my fetid sense of tumour
Clinical and gastric, I imbibe my own vitreous humour...

Soiled prostatic prolapse
Ruptured hernia rips your groin
Your mouth forced wide open
As you're made to chew on your haemorrhoids...
Gnawing my appendix, enteric organs glistening
Acholial fluids, coagulating and thickening

Weakened, cirrhosised liver, pumping out sludge
Of pediculosal faeces, sanguineous bile and crud...

Avulsion of salted tonsils
Gavaged with a spoon
Your scrotal sac torn open
And stuffed with ano-genital grume...
Actual lyrics from Crepitating Bowel Erosion by Carcass, one of Jeff's favorite death metal bands.
------ posted 1.17.02001 by Jeff.