My weapon of choice is a piece of raw pork. It is absorbent and allows the flavor of the deuce and meat to engage in a symbiotic relationship. First post rules.

The Big Wiper did an article last month detailing about ten different ways our forefathers wiped their asses. I suggest you find it and try one of those techniques on for size. Especially the lufa sponge. That had to clean like a mother!

Personally, I couldn't live in a world without toilet paper, but if you're looking for an alternative that doesn't make your trips to the laundry room more frequent, might I suggest The Final Wipe. They're like wet-naps for your ass. I think Doniker or someone on here gave them a whirl not too long ago. I'm too content with Charmin to consider anything else. Man, those bears on that commercial ain't lying. That new big-roll Charmin toilet paper is like wiping with a bed comforter. Six sheets usually gives me a quality wipe, and this is coming from a guy who can normally kill off a roll of toilet paper after three shits.

As long as I have soap and running water nearby, I really don't have much of a problem with cleaning with my fingers. I mean, that's how most of the world does it. I don't do it all the time, of course... I'll wipe with TP to get the juicy bits. But if there is anything left -- dingleberries in the hair, and so on -- my fingers can handle it.

I can see a lot of people saying, "ewww." Why? It's my own butt. I'm not scared of my own poop. I wash my hands and I'm good to go.

Never accept an invitation to a barbequeue round this guy's house.

I find a bidet works, or at leat the water fountain a the supermarket

I've been using a squirt bottle with water in it to clean up after i crap... It's like a portable bidet and it works well

Are there any PoopReporters here who are strictly bidet-ers? I think that's common in Europe...

As much as I don't like having a dirty crack, I've never had a problem feeling great after using a Kleenex flushable wipe. You should only be worrying about what's outside the bung, right?

If you're beginning to worry about more than that, you might want to ask yourself why.

I'm from Europe and I really don't think too many people use bidets around here, at least not in central Europa, pretty much everybody just wipes using regular TP. Well pretty much everybody but the french that is...

I use a picture of Komrade Hillary Klinton's face. It seems to suck the shit right off of my asscrack.

Toilet paper works most of the time.

If it doesn't I sit my ass on the sink and wash out my crack. It's a lot cheaper than using a bidet. Also, try lowering the fat/junk food in your diet. It may get rid of the million wipers altogether.

Dear Dumbass ChocoVan:

Use those new Clorox disposable toilet bowl brushes. The preferred technique is to dip them into the toilet, swirl them around a few times, then scrub-a-dub dub that stanky ass of yorn.

Europoo:

You're right, oui Frenchies have our own way of removing la merde from our butts. Some of us prefer to have our goat kids or little lambs lick the poo from our backsides, while some of us simple reach around with a half a handful of one or another of our famously smelly cheese products and smear the stinky curds into our ass cracks to mask the odor of our slimey green, runny poo poo.

A poodle works well, a cat will do in a pinch, but watch those claws!!

Perhaps Swiffer will come out with an ass wiper. It could incorporate the jet feature on their wet mop. Swiffer clean!

Think about what babies use....go by some pampers baby wipes. They really do get your ass all clean.

I can't believe all the guys who do not stick up for poor toilet paper. Look of the years of service it put in, just to be degraded publicly by all you guys who feel that you are too good for it to even be around you. More than likely, if the truth is known, it probabely is relieved that you are looking for an alternative.
How many guys have even the slightest concern on what happens to toilet paper?

i prefer a model 2838 nasa approved alien probe.

Butt Seriously Folks, my best results have been obtained by using a "traditional" wipe sequence with TP followed by a wipe with a damp paper towell followed by another dry wipe. I go on about my day feeling like I just had a shower.

Theses poop retorts are lacking

Crap in the morning, then take a shower like a normal person. If you are crapping like ten times a day you are probably a lard ass waste of oxygen.

Regular TP has always worked for me (bunched for maximum surface area). If you wait too long to start the cleanup, the residue will start to dry in place and resist any dry wiping, only to be rehydrated later (with nasty results) by crack sweat. Read the paper or meditate post-wipe.

JUST GO BACK TO DIAPERS!

i love baby wipes...nothing feels better

Hi y'all,

Up heyah in Appulatcha, we'uns jus scrubs arun assholes clean wif a coarn cob dipped in kerosene. You needs to poke a willer stick in the big end of the cob so as to keep yourn fingers clear of the crack and allow fer dippin' the cob in the coal owul.

I put my pants on and stick my underwear up my butt and wipe with it

I just use the cat. The little black and white one. The others are two big and chaffe my crack.

Glut Glut says 'Crap in the morning, then take a shower like a normal person'.

OK if your body-clock lets you do that - though even then I don't want faeces all over my flannel or sponge. On the few occasions when I can do both functions when I get out of bed, I STILL wipe before going into the shower.

The males in our house (me and my two young boys) are usually ready for our morning sit after breakfast. We don't have time to wait for our shower; we have to get off to work or school.

Also, if we do try to squeeze one out early, we have to go again after breakfast. Wiping takes just as much time, and paper, for the second crop as for the first.

this is physcotic who would use their fingers. what is wrong wih toilet paper. all your other ideas are a waste of life

i use a light sabor

water is the word. be it a inbuilt spray OR the water jet. like the way its there in india. no touching. a high pressure jet of water takes care. but still the hand-wash later is satisfying