I would like large floating poop. that way after a while I could build a raft out of it and float home

One that looked and tasted like a turkey dinner with Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream for desert. 1st post rules.

Some watery diarrhea for me.
That way I can spell 'help' in the sand and then when I get rescued and I hear someone bitching about the dangers of the runs I can say "Hey watch what you say, dickhead! Diarrhea saved my life!"

I think I'd be really bored on a desert island. So I'd probably want corn-filled poop. That way I could spend my days and nights wondering how the corn got in there.

I would poot big hard turds with keels on the bottom side and a sail on the top side. On the sail would be printed the coordinates of the island.

Pax en las Isla de la Poopitas. TH.

Id take the Beer shits. That way I could keep fermenting the alcohol and get more drunk as the days went on.

Aha--the first campy Ask PoopReport question. Okay, I'll bite. How about a coconut shrimp, hearts of palm and banana turd? Lots of tropical fiber in there!

This is a very easy question for me to answer. I would want ghost shit, because I don't want to have to think about adult diaper rash from no toilet paper.

Imagine wiping your bum with a banana leaf only to find a tarantula hiding in it. I can't decide who I'd like to be least, me or the poor tarantula.

So, nice, firm poopie with no "bum mud" to worry about. I know, I'm in the middle of a giant bidet, but still. I hate that waddling wet feeling.

I'd want a truly dense log. One that I would need to fight with. Because if I'm going to be on a deserted island, I'd want to take a shit that examplified my surroundings. While I'd be struggling to survive against the elements, I'd also be struggling to release the massive log.

Its a yin to the yang thing.

I'd like the fat, dry turd that needs no TP when it is finished. It should take a decent amount of time from start to finish. Plus, when I sqeeze one of them out, I usually feel relaxed, which is good when there is nothing to do.

I guess I'd have that stupid turd, The Professor. He would somehow manage to make a radio to call for help if I was there bitching at him the whole time!

LOL, Di! Nice, TV Land post!

A nice long (in time duration) thick satisfying one that doesn't require me to wipe. Might be the only good thing that happens all day.

Mostly, I just wanted to use this name, b/c I don't think anyone else has.

Diarrhea- to use as a napalm like thing for preditors, and with some alcoholic content-just for the amusement

I would love a nice big jucie turd.To eat or to wipe. you are a very nice person ...FOR ME TO POOP ON.But it depends on what mood I'm in. So if I was in a crappy mood i would have a crappy crap. And if i was in a good mood I would have a big fart and a big turd.And if I was in a nervious mood I would soil my pants right then and there.Opps! I SHARTED! incase you did'nt know,sharted means -I farted and all of the shit came out. And if I was in a shy mood I would have diearrea. now i have to clean out my underwear.

hey johnnypooppypants, does your school librarian know you use their computers to log onto PR? God damn idiots.

I would like to have one of those rock solid turds, the ones that make your hole bleed. After being rescued, I'd find johnnypooppywhatever and beat him silly with it.

I'm getting the idea we are coming close to Tom Hank's fascination with that ball in Castaway. Who would paint a face on their turd and talk to it?

YES! If there was blood in your stool, you could smush it around to make a face not unlike Wilson's. I'd definitely name him T.O.T..

T.O.T. Never thought of that.

Awesome.

I would want a colorful one, like green and stuff. Also, I am the new "Big Wiper" or "ThreePly" You will be seeing my name on here more often. I just discovered this sight about 3 weeks ago and it consumes my time and thoughts. When I see a toilet paper commercial, I think about you guys, my fellow poop reportrs. I am so happy to be part of a group. I am a freak and it's nice to know there are Freaks just like me!

I would reckon I would prefer to have some very hard, rough, dry scratchy poops, not a big log, but many many many little rabbit turds. This way I would be able to use them as briquettes and perhaps barbeque with them. The pioneers of the old wagon west used to make fires and cook food with their cattle's poop because there was no wood on the plains...it is an excellent source of energy. I could also keep my poo burning at night for light, I could boil and sterilize my drinking water with it, I could do all sorts of things with the briquettes.

Uncle Chunk is the Jerimiah Johnson of Poopreport! :)

You fools! Of course, the ideal turd would be long and pointed. After it petrifies, I would kill many an indigenous creature with it. I would be able to survive for many years with my rear-spear. Maybe some bar-b-dooed bear or blackened boar? I would live like a king!

Ok, I have to say that Uncle Chunk and the Fartist's suggestions may just be my favorite.

Yep, the Fartist shows us once again that he's a homophobic, self-hating, closet fudge packer ...

I quote, " ... the ideal turd would be LONG AND POINTED ... (and) ... I would be able to survive for many years with MY REAR-SPEAR."

Hmmmm. What would Freud have said?

Peace in Psychosis. TH.

Why is it if someone doesn't like bananas or ice cream or trips to Brazil it's cool but if someone doesn't like fags it's not cool? I have a couple of friends who are gay but I think what they do is about as perverted as eating your own shit! I tolerate but don't accept it. As far as desert islands go, I would crank out a glider dook - complete with two wings, and then catch a tropical monsoon and be whisked away to a land of hot broads like the Philippines!

Amen, thepaperhog! hot asian women beat hangin' out with my fecal friend on an island.
To all the haters out there...i guess no matter what i say at this point i'm gay and i hate myself. Wow! I never knew that by surfing poop report i would get free therapy sessions. I probably want to have sex with my mom too! I mean, i should really look into all my deep-seeded problems because some of the reliable commentary on this site told me so. Gee, thanks everybody! Now i can love myself!
Hmmm. Freud would say...you are a moron! A rear-spear is a most ingenous weapon and TH can't come up with any original ideas so he ANALyzes the work of others!
Piece in Mycolon

ass phlegn first of all I was drunk when I wrote that and dose your fatassmama know that you dream about humping her every night. I would like a long hard smelly stick and maybe a few rabbit turds. So I can kill you retarted ass phlegn freak. I would beat you with the stick that came out my ass and throw rabbit turds at you untill one of your eyes fall out. ps you suck eggs

Fartist:

Now that you're opening up, please continue. How does it make you feel to realize you have wonton thoughts regarding your mother?

Ooops, looks like our time is up. We can continue this at our next session. Meanwhile, continue taking your medication, and remember to wipe.

Peace in the Poopchute. TH.

TH:
I feel like instead of having relations with my mother, I should have them with your mother. How does that make you feel?
By the way, I'm not going to receive a bill for this will I?
Perhaps "Dr. Smellfi" is a better moniker for you than the evolutionary TH handle.
Peace in Expulsion. tF

Uh oh, I smell a'flamin war about to go up in here.
"In this corner, angry and smelly, the Fartist."
"And in this corner, secretive and sly, Turd H."
"Fartist's corner man, Paperhog, seems to be, wait! Yes! He's pulling the 4 ounces of stuffing out of the Fartist's gloves. Does the ref see this?"
"Oh shit, the ref, johnnypoopypants is busy trying to hump the card girl, daphne, whose got more junk in the trunk than a Czechloslovakian refugee with a driver's liscense. What's he on, anyway?"
"Damn! Down goes johnnypoopypants, because event promoter Ass Phlegm has come out of nowhere and smacked him upside the head with the Fartist's rock hard turds tied to his big stick."

"It's all out of control from here, folks. We'll break for station identification and a word from our sponsor, Sphincterine, which, from the smell of it, the Paperhog knows nothing about."

I'm so tired of Homophobia. It is completely possible for a guy to simply not like gays. Not everybody does gay bashing to appear hetero. Calling Homophobia is like convincing the audience that your opponent is in denial. It is a really unfair arguement tactic.

Amen!!! Especially when it's not even true. I love fags!

Amen to that Slim Jim! If we say that everyone who dislikes gays "is a closet fag" then we say that everyone who loathes liver "secretly loves liver" and everyone who is a mountain climber "is really scared to death of heights....." A crock of shit! Also, homophobia implies a phobia or FEAR.....nobody is scared of gays. You can have arachnophobia and be scared of spiders. You can be scared of sharks, pit bulls, etc. NOBODY is afraid of gays! I've spent too much time in other countries where men are men and women are women - and you see how things SHOULD be - great countries where I got ten times as much sex in a year as I did here in ten years!

I'd like my poop to be round like a baseball, so I would have something to play with, and after a few days, I could learn to juggle with them. I've always wanted to learn to juggle.

One type of turd....maybe one shaped like a boad with a couple oars so I could get the hell outta there. As far as doing ones mother. When I was a kid I had to see a shrink, "I know what your problem is Dookie Doggy, she says to me, you want to fuck your mother." Trying to shock me by saying "Fuck" Thinking I would shrivel up like a limp dick instead I said without missing a beat, " IF YOUR MOTHER LOOKED LIKE MY MOTHER YOU WOULD WANT TO FUCK HER TOO!!! That bitch didn't talk to me anymore. Those people with their observations fuck up more peoples heads. In true reality these scumbags are too lazy to do real work. I think they should be tied up and force fed George Bushs turds.

A nice, hard log that needs no wiping.

If it was big enough I could carve out the inside and live in it.

i worked for alot of oil companies through out my yrs.listening to nothing but ass holes and back stabbers and know it alls.so you can never get hired on for any main company unless you are related or suck a truck load of cock every day.so every chance i had got to take any kind of shit i would help myself to there treaters buildings.they where very ,very warm in the winter time and so exspeacially living in north dakota.i would take a dump and wipe my ass in a nice warm building.then cover it up with dirt.i would always turn the heater up.so after taking lots of fresh turds.the treater buildings would have a nice romantic oder for the ass holes in the up comeing months to follow.i was long gone by then.no evidence of me ever being there.so winter comes along.these lazy asshole pumpers love to hide out in these treater buildings just to put there time in.but what they did not exspect was the night mare of built up of shit in all there treater buildings that smelled like death warmed over.they would not even dare to go into them with out wearing a gas mask.but the smell built up with alot of heat was baking the poop.for 6 to 8 months.made alot of the office kisss asses sick.i think it was a good pay back.exspeacially when i put in 28 yrs of service and got passed over by 18 yr old kids that where the bosses sons for desk jobs.so if you are like me and got passed over by assholes all your life.take time out and take a fresh dump inside there treater buildings several times.you will be glad you did it.exspeacially when the wind chill is 150 degres below zero.and it is such a warm place to shit in a treater building that never goes away.they shit on you.you shit on them.

He he he!!! Good one lance.

You know, I just thought of one. If you kept shitting in the same spot every day you could end up with a shit mountain. Light the top of the shit mountain and it works like a distress flare, bringing your rescuers right to you.

i would want Mr.hanckey so i would have some one to talk to

I once pooped out a terd so large that i had to use a razor out of the shower adjacent to my toilet to cut the terd in half. i was so proud of my accomplishments. i feel like a man now.

I will never have this problem. I made a $100,000 pledge to mu church building fund, and I KNOW my preacure will find me! No shit!

The perfect turd, of course. The perfect turd is a smooth-sliding, solid but not too hard, one-piece turd that doesn't burn.
_______
Russell the shitting queen