Ask PoopReport: Dingleberries

// // 148 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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PoopReport is more than just a site to read about twits who crap their pants. We're also a public
service! When someone needs information, we -- the poop-enjoying public -- MUST be there for
them.



Matt asks:

Dear Poop Report,

What's the deal with dingleberries? And how can I prevent them?


148 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Dingleberries"

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper
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Everyone knows that dingleberries are little balls that appear on your bung after you wipe. The real question is, are they little balls of toilet paper, or little balls of shit? If they're toilet paper, than dingleberries occur when the toilet paper shreds, and the wiping motion rolls the shreds into little balls which cling onto your leather cheerio. But if they're shit, then dingleberries must be the result of little hunks of crap being rolled into balls and stuck to your butt. Or maybe they're little pieces of toilet paper covered in crap. Good structural integrity in your toilet paper is essential to preventing dingleberries... as is good structural integrity in your log. A shredding log is just as dangerous as shredding TP.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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Don't be such a cheap bastard and buy some real toilet paper. That thick soft expensive Charmin with the lotion on it is like wiping your ass with a gauze bandage...that stuff will never leave dingleberries.

The worst is going down to eat a chicks pussy and finding TP dingleberries in her "holiest of holes".
Nothing like a little urine soaked dingleberry on your tongue.

Chris's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Dingleberries come from cheap toilet paper. I don't know quite how to stop them, but I know how to create them --- when you wipe with wet TP. (Sometimes, it gets a little sensitive, and a do-it-yourself wet nap sure helps) Wet TP invariably breaks apart, leaving a collection of dingleberries you'll be cleaning out for a week.

Jeff B's picture
l 100+ points
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I got my PHD from MIT where I studied Rectal Phenominology and Gluttial Follicular Remnants. According to many scientists, including the great Dr. Uilopula Czechnoyota, the leading cause of dangleberries (Dingleberries to the lay-person)is in fact the interatcion between rectal hair and moistended fecal residue. What happens is, as the feces exits the rectum, it passes through a field of rectal hair. The rectal hair catches and hold bits of such feces. Wiping only imbeds the fecal matter deeper into the hair. Wiping also adds a concreting element to the feca as the toilet paper flakes off and mixes with the feces. When an individual feels that they have appropriately wiped themselves, they get up and leave the lavatory. This is where the formation of the actual dangleberry begins. The cheeks of the buttocks rub together, rolling the feces into little balls that are trapped and bound to the rectal hairs. As the subject remains idle at his desk or wherever he may be, the concretions, dangleberries, harden and fester immobile on the hair. Prevention is simple. First, one may literally wax, shave, or Neet the hairs from the area surrounding the anus. There will be nothing to grab fecal remnants. Also, invest in better, stronger toilet paper. If you are afraid to shave or have the hair removed, get Cottonelle moist wipes and thoroughly clean the anus and the surrounding hairs. Follow that with a nice, dry wipe with normal toilet paper.

Matt's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I think a bidet would be a great investment...

Chip Brown's picture
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Er, you mean a Butt Sink.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper
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This is interesting. According to Merriam-Webster online, a dingleberry is "a piece of dried fecal matter clinging to the hair around the anus" --- so our theory of dingleberries being little balls of toilet paper may be wrong!

CASEY's picture
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I CAN'T BELEIVE I EVEN GOT ON HTIS WEB SITE....EWW!

cara minnix's picture
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I like eating dingleberries they are a tasty treat. I lick my roomates asshole all the time she has them because her asshole is so hairy.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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mmmmm I love hairy assholes on chicks...got any pictures of this bitch's ass ??

moe's picture
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I take this all a step further. I hang my dingles on the Christmas tree every year. Then sing dingle balls, batmans smell, dingles all the way.

Maaark's picture
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"Dingleberries, hairy stalagtitic anus popsicles."

Dingleberries are sometimes called dangleberries, although this is not an effective description as it implies a faecal ball (nugget) or nuggetty-paper build up on your sphincter that is under the effects of motion. (hence the dangle-ing. However accurate the definition, the motion implied by "dangle" is clearly not accurate when dealing with dingleberries.

For any experienced 'dingle-ee' the concept of freely moving, dangle-ing bung-berries is total nonsense due to the fact that dingleberries are deeply rooted within the hair surrounding one's anus and rarely, if ever, are capable of dangle-ing. Ironically, if they were able to dangle, then I assure you that the problem of dingleberries would be greatly diminished, after all, if it can dangle, it must be possible to shake loose with minimal difficulty.. a characteristic void of the common dingleberry which is fashioned into a variety of shapes which is determined by the host's

style of walk and surrounding anus-shape, much like a

popsicle which will shape itself to its container.

Dingleberries, by definition, involve remnants of anal origin sticking to your hairy sphincter. However, the endurance and tenacity of this sticking is determined by 3 key factors:

*hairyness of one's anal area...

length and thickness are of concern, in severely

hairy individuals, anal dreadlocks have been known to

form.

http://naked-elebs.com.ru/naked/Whoopie_Goldberg.html

Although in the most part a secret and relatively

uncommon, anus dreadlocks have been hailed as the

dreadlocks of highest quality and similar methods

have been used to generate the desired effect on

one's head (one's diet should also be considered if

this is your aim). Dingleberry dreads are removable

ONLY by clipping away, whereas enduring dingles

(explained in detail later in this text) still

have hope of being UNdone through freezing and the

subsequent shattering of a dingle using a neighbour's

meat-tenderiser.

*constitution of one's nugget and it's reaction to the

toilet paper in use...

depending on one's diet, the toilet-paper being used

and how the two interact, dingleberries can be of

varying smell, texture and endurance. Examples are as

follows.. a high-sugar diet will leave dingleberries

smelling slightly sweet, whereas a seafood diet shall

produce dingles that smell fishy, even corny by some

strange metaphysical characterisic of omega3 oils.

The texture of a given dingle is dependant on the same

factors as those which determine the texture of a

regular non-stalagtitic nugget.. however if one has

curly sphincter-hair, the dingleberry will be more

bouncy and of fuller body. Such expanse of a given

dingle occurs also if the toilet paper in use breaks

easily to combine with the nugget, thus contributing

to it's mass and chewyness. Also, it should be noted

that people who have unforced, natural afros will be

prime candidates of the enduring dingle, despite being

quite fluffy. Enduring dingles are the pupae form of

the dingle-dread and are dingles which have passed the

time where they could be untangled by human methods.

*One's wipe technique...

circular motions crate dingles, as does the use of

moist or wet toilet paper.

>>Read on for information concerning the ways to go >>about managing dingles.

For those who dislike dingles on their anuses-

to inhibit the production of dingles, wiping in one

direction is adviseable. Also, one should never use

wet toilet paper and should limit the consumption of

dairy goods and toffee.

Contrastingly, to aquire dingles, it is a good idea to

wipe alternatingly clockwise and counter-clockwise

using wet toilet paper. Eating cheese and toffe is

a good idea, however if you dislike toffee (like me)

you can always manually add toffee to your dingle at

any stage in it's growth.

So, there are the facts.. I'm working on my best dingle-dread at the moment via taking up jogging,

eating a lot of dairy products and my recent purchase of an electric buffer.

Dingles are great, and I hope the spirit of unity that dingles fill us with never dies down..

..peace

---copyright 2001, by Maaark.. all rights reserved---

Narvis's picture
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One time I took a poop and it looked like my friend Ric....and I said "hello Ric how are you?"....but he didn't answer me back....guess he was mad at me

Angel's picture
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I took a poop once, actually, I've taken many poops...but this one time, my poop looked like Jesus. Not my cousin, Jesus Rodriguez...the real Jesus. Once the word got out, I had the whole damn neighborhood waiting on line to see my holy shit.

Hideo Nomo's picture
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One time, I play baseball with oriental friend, I pitch to him.....I hit him in head with ball....he crap his pants....he play softball now....on da Bangers.....first base

Lori's picture
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I love Whammy

Big Art's picture
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last year I played softball, after a night game, I went back to my teammates house for a little late night BBQ. I had 5 burgers, 3 dogs and 4 beers in about 15 minutes. I was really thirsty and hungry.

Well about a hour and half later, I had to go real bad, so I excused myself to his bathroom. First of all, I am about 6 feet 6 and weight about 275 lbs. I saw down on his bowl and proceeded to dump this biggest piece of POOP, it kept flowing and flowing, it was a mixture of solids and liquids.

To say the least after I was finished, this of course after using half his roll to wipe my hiney, I flushed, and much to my amazement, nothin' was going down, I clogged the !@#$ bowl.

I looked around for a plunger, no dice, what the heck should I do. After further deliberation, I had a choice, put my hand in and clear it out OR get the heck out of the house. Me being the good teammate, stuck my hand in and cleared the problem.

When I got back down the party my buds, Jerry and Mike showed up, the shook my hand, then they proceeded to grab something to eat.

I felt so bad, if they only knew that the hand they were holding there burgers with was indirectly a few minutes ago squeezing poop.

Jen's picture
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I cannot believe you people didn't know that dingleberries were shit stuck to your asshair!! the answer is simple, although not comfortable a few days after... Shave your ass!!

William Orrach's picture
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While I tend to agree with some of the earlier psotings regarding the use of the lotion enhanced TP, I do have one point which I would like to stress. The point being that while I prefer the lotion type Tp to avoid the dingleberries, I do not mind at all encountering an occasional dingleberry on others. In fact, I find them to be delicious.

Glenn's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Is dinkleberry/dinkleberries an accepted alternate spelling of dingleberry???

assdaddy's picture
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I have a problem with "brabernax" (spelling uncertain) which I think means dingleberries in Hungarian. Can anybody clear this up for me?

Rick Z's picture
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I took a dump in a urinal trough at Reillys Daughter Saloon in Oak Lawn IL. It was a riot watching the bar tender trying to fish that bad boy with a coat hanger

Poopie Doober's picture
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I have a few questions:

1. how does fecal color help establish the status of my health?

2. Is it normal to shit cubes? If so, is it normal to freeze them and serve them in guests drinks?

3. Any shiteaters out there?

4. What is proper dingleberry removal protocol on the ol' leather cheerio?

5. Sometimes I shit for hours upon hours, just for the fun of it. It's like going to the beach. My last question is, how much shit must be consumed to perpetuate an all shit diet?

jackie and erin's picture
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One time I was on the phone with erin taking a shit and she was like taking a shit too and like we were both taking a shit at the same time...so it was WICKED cool......and i was like how many pieces came out an she was like eleven so i was like me too cause i did shit out eleven SHITZ (hehe)......so then i was like what color did ur SHITZ come out and erin was l;ike orange.....but mine was like this brite blue color so then like i dont know but she was like I DONT EVEN KNOW!!.......AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING...OH....and i was just like GURL YOU BE TRIPPIN...and she was like HOW I BE TRIPPIN WHEN YOU SHITTED OUT FUCKING BLUE SHITZ ........and i was like well YA GOT ANY DINLGEBERRIES.....and shes like HELL YES!!!!.....and well she had dingleberries and thats why this story is on here.....PEACE!!!!!!!

Snig Whopley's picture
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10 Great Uses for Used Dingleberries:

10. Draw a couple of circles on your ass cheeks and play a game of mini-marbles.

9. Add a few to the cat's food. You've been wanting to get back at that S.O.B. for ignoring you anyway.

8. If strung with a thin thread, dingleberries make fine Christmas ornaments or luxurious poop-a shell necklaces.

7. Slip a few into the bosses' coffee. Suddenly all that overtime doesn't seem quite as irritating.

6. Keep a few round-and-crusties in your pocket. Drop them into the Raisinette box at the movies before you pass them to that guy who boinked your sister.

5. Start a collection. Trade with friends.

4. Send a few to your congressman and/or senators, for all the crap they have been giving you all these years.

3. Save up several thousand over the course of a lifetime. When you are retired, use them for padding in a throw pillow...that really smells like ass.

2. Throw a few into the fresh-air intake at your place of employment and ask everyone, "where were you when the sh** hit the fan?".

10. Buy a box of Sure-Jell

noone's picture
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They are called BUNGTATERS if they are pooh and dingelberries when they are toilet paper!

Jason Thomas's picture
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I have enjoyed Bungtaters or Dingleberries for many years. I'd be very interested in sharing some ideas regarding them. Please drop me an email. Thanks.

smurf's picture
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angel- you are a sick nasty shit for saying that about

JESUS.

smurf's picture
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how can you even think about comparing JESUS to that

I bet the turd looked like you.

poopstinke's picture
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I like to collect my dingleberries and keep them in a jar. A clear jar that way I can pick out the good ones.

COncered Pooper's picture
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what should i do i have a strange habit of collecting my dingleberries! what is wrong! and my wife likes to mange them!!

shea10x's picture
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The best way to prevent dingleberries and/or any poo left on your butt or any smell is to wipe as much off as you can with dry toliet paper, then use Charmins wet toliet paper at least 2 sheets or 3 if your real messey ... and I use it till i see nothing left on it then I wipe with dry toliet paper again just to feel dry .... yes you say that is a lot of paper.... and it usually is but I don't care if I flush twice every time i poo... Just as long as i am clean and comfortable afterwards...

mamajama's picture
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haha...Bungtaters...never heard that one before...

zen's picture
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I have never been more proud of america then I am at this moment. I can feel the love for dingleberries in this room. From wetpoo,hair and paper comes such joy. Personal commitment to shaping logs like jesus shows us that there isnt anything that we cant do if we put our hearts and minds to it. My hope is that all my brothers in sisters that read these words will vist www.celebritydingleberries.com and contribute to our gallery of dingleberrie art and fashion.

Dingle Wingle's picture
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I hate dingleberries. I call them shibiblits, and to get rid of them i put on rubber gloves and pluck em out. It hurts, but it works. If you spread your ass cheeks far apart when you shit, it leaves less dingleberries.

Cindy's picture
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cool

Allata Dingle's picture
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I take shit at least 4 times daily..i hate having dingles..they hurt when i move side to side..they pull on my hairs..and sometimes they get stuck in my whitey-tighteys..and my wife bought a cat-comb and helps me brush them out daily..b/c i dont have long arms. and we even buy "Kleenex-Cottonel" but it seems to never help my dingle berries..please email me and give me some helpful care information for my twisted dingles..

with love

allata dingle

Haha's picture
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Haha, I can't believe there are "scientists" that actually specialize in...poop. Who would want to goto college and take poop courses

lol @ poop report's picture
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i cant believe there is a web site dedicated to crap lol

Jason Thomas's picture
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I am the king of all fecal knowledge. Please email or IM me (jthomas413) with any of your questions regarding excrement. I am an authority on the matter.

Mr. Hanky's picture
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Is it posible to get dingleberries on you back hair cause every now and then I find these little brown balls that smell like poop please help am I wiping to far up I need to know cause I really love my back hair and I don't want to shave it off

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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In case anyone is curious, there is actually a Dingleberry Lake. I'm serious! Look on a map of the eastern Sierras!!! Some shepherd in the 1800s named the lake after the dingleberries he saw on his sheep's asses while he was hanging out in the mountains. So, if anyone happens to be venturing up the Bishop Creek Canyon in California you might want to take a hike to this lake. Get a picture for the guys back at Poop Report. (Maybe I'll get one this spring.)

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Real or not, Mr. Hanky reminds me of a story. When I was a teenager I used to take walks three times a day just to get out some of my pent-up energy. One day I saw this big brown dog sniffing a hedge in someone's driveway. I went over to pet it and the guy stood up. It turns out it wasn't a dog at all. It was some old dude with a really hairy back. Oh, man that was sick!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Mr. Shit Stain's picture
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Ok so I'm sitting on the toilet a few days ago, just STRAINING and I mean PUSHING LIKE HELL to get this huge ass turd out. Which took about a minute or two, causing my face to turn bright ass red. Finally I blew the most disgustingly stinky fart I've ever smelt and this turd SHOOTS out of my ass into the toilet. The turd itself being about an inch and a half wide, about 9 inches long. So I get up, wipe my ass and waddle out of the bathroom in utter pain. About halfway to my room I caught an itch on my ass, so of course I had to scratch it. Little did I know, OH GOD LITTLE DID I KNOW, I stick my hand down my pants and SHAZAM! Thousands of Dingleberries! EVERYWHERE! A FUCKING MESS! So I grab a handful, and yank them out as a tear comes to my eye. Then I enter my room, where my Fiance is laying on the bed. I subtly place the mess upon her face and begin to laugh uncontrollably as she EATS THEM ALL MUHAHA!

I love Shit!

gidget's picture
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is anyone up for dingleberry king and queen?

i nominate my cat for dingleberry queen.

Corn Fritter's picture
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Whoever said charmin does no tleave berries is full of shit. Charmin is just rolls of berries in plastic.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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And I nominate my dad for dingleberry king! The man can't wipe his fucking ass!!! I'm tired of his ass prints on my toilet seat.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

AssHat's picture
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Dude, i love dingle berrys, i walk around with mine showing, and i wear a hat on my ass, and all my friends think im kewl because of it. Ive lost 30 lbs and 6 inches of my waist by doing this. Also my colesterol has droped by 100 points! so in conclusion dingleberrys are NOT bad...... they are our friends, they help us lose weight and lose colesterol.... so next time you get a assnugget, dont mine it, let it grow, nurture it.... it will pay you back 10 fold!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Eeeeeewwwww!!!! Ha ha ha!!! That's sick, man!

Anyway, this summer I will be in the Mammoth Lakes area doing a few hikes. Anyone want me to do a report on Dingleberry Lake when I hike to it? Let me know!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Mike's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Hows it going EH,
Dingleberries, never heard of them......

Here are some Canadian terms -

Klingons, I'm not talking Star Trek. A klingon is a chunk of paper that refuses to let go.

Will Not - again a piece of T.P. that will not let go.

kat's picture
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My question is what direction are you supposed to wipe in? From bottom to top or vice versa?? Or is there even a "correct" direction at all?

Perfect Poop's picture
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what do we need pubes for anyway?

i am strongly against genetic manipulation on principle, but i would be willing to make an exception for changing genes that would rid all pubic hair for humanity.

however, i guess this only applies for generations to come, meaning it won't do any of the forum's users any good... so i guess we are doomed to a life in hell!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Without pubes, what else would get stuck in your underwear elastic and pull like fucking hell?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

John's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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how do you remove a ball of shit and hair from between your cheeks without too much pain?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Call the dog and ask him to eat it. It tickles a little, but it doesn't hurt.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

hmmm's picture
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I'm not reading this whole thread, but I have a hairy arse and I've always known this phenomenon as "bum spiders" because when you finally tear them away, they have 8 spindly black hairs attached to a furry body. And yes they are made of poop, not paper.

jesse's picture
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how fun would a job be if you just studied poop all day?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Maybe. But who'd want to be a political analyst?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

HONORERRY DINGELBERRY's picture
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me friend and his mom call me a dingelberry and he's the vice president of the DINGELBERRY CLUB and his grandmother is he president and he is a DINGELBERRY his self!!!!

dangle sean's picture
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dangle berrys suck and it hurts to pick them from your ass when there stuck to a hair in your bum hole

cinowe4's picture
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You all seriously need a life and so do I for even taking the time to read this, butt thanks for the knowledge!!!!!

freakazoid's picture
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Ahold Buttfart, does your mommy know you're looking at a poo-poo site?

Sir Shits A Lot a.k.a. Fart Factory, I-Have-Corn-In-My-Shit/'s picture
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Hello fellow students and patrons of the arts. I'm a Poopologist. What is the only food that is clearly visible in turds? Corn! I am a talking, hairy, shit-encrusted asshole. I like corn in my crap. Would you like my recipe for Corny Shit Soup? It's makes for mighty good eatin' and it's quick to make. Toss in a side of dingleberries and you've got yourself a par-TAY. I love eating dingleberries, but the hairs get stuck in my teeth.

binglederry's picture
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shave yo ass

squeeze it out's picture
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What about Gruffnuts? They are much like dangle/dingleberries but slightly larger with a rock solid centre

neko's picture
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what

neko's picture
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Do you people seriosly eat dangle berries?Oh,I haven't had dangle berries, but i had this,like 30 cm hair In my asshole.It must have been from my hair wash,and i kept pulling,and pulling.It came outta ma hole eventually,and i was scared to pull it out.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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God, I hope they don't eat their dingleberries. *shudders*

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Anal Dreadlocks's picture
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what's the fascination with dangleberries anyway?! i pebble-dashed my mum's toilet bowl today... very fetching i thought

turdtards's picture
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SHIBIBLITS thats totally AWESOME!!!!!