Ask PoopReport: Dingleberries

// // 148 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

PoopReport is more than just a site to read about twits who crap their pants. We're also a public
service! When someone needs information, we -- the poop-enjoying public -- MUST be there for
them.



Matt asks:

Dear Poop Report,

What's the deal with dingleberries? And how can I prevent them?


148 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Dingleberries"

Anonymous's picture

I ALWAYS HAVE A CLEAN HEINEY. WHENEVER I TAKE A SHIT IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM, WHETHER IT IS A DOCTORS OFFICE, TOWN HALL, THE LOCAL GAS STATION OR THE FAMILY BATHROOM AT THE MALL, I ALWAYS WASH MY ASS IN THE SINK AFTER TAKING A DUMP. YES, I WASH MY DIRTY HEINEY IN THE SINK. (OBVIOUSLY, THESE ARE PRIVATE RESTROOMS).

I ALSO GET TO KNOW THE AREA RESTROOMS, SO I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I CAN GO TO TAKE A DUMP AND THEN WASH OFF IN THE SINK.

IDEAL PUBLIC RESTROOM FOR ME IS:

1. LOCK ON DOOR.
2. SINK WITH UNLIMITED WATER FLOW
3. PAPER TOWELS
4. SOAP DISPENSER NEXT TO SINK
5. THE LOWER IN HEIGHT THE SINK, THE BETTER

Anonymous's picture

I saw a squirrel once with dingleberries it's funny as hell!!!!!! Just feed them a jolly rancher and enjoy the entertainment!

Anonymous's picture

If you want to know all about Dingleberries, please check http://tarrels.eu

Anonymous Coward's picture

I haz dingleberries

Anonymous Coward's picture

Dingleberries are tiny balls of shit.

Klingons are not from Star Trek, they are pieces of toilet paper stuck on your ass after you take a shit and wipe.

I P Freely's picture

Just try havin 1/3 of your colon removed and replaced by a bag......
Messy but it works thanks Saddam ya did some good.
some of us fought for all you guys out there !

Dingleberry doctor's picture

I think you guys need to grow up and learn to wipe your ass properly. If you can't take a dump without caking your self in shit, you are really thick, or you're so fat from eating cheese its impossible to spread you ass cheeks far enough to stop shit smearing all over your ass. Also if you washed properly each day, even if you manually spread crap all over your self, it will wash off.
Stop eating cheese burgers, lean to wipe your ass and have a bath or shower once in a while.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

But that might take some effort Chief! And AC is sooooo important he needs the information nooooooowwww.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear AC....Everyone who read the entire thread knows what shibiblits are, go back and do some reading and you also will know.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Who knows what shibiblits is?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

You were a week later than I had predicted...and you tell me I fucked up? Excuse me?


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Bilge, you stepped on my 3000th post. How dare you!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Who the fuck knows Papa Smurf.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Evidently, wiener, your ass was hanging in very close proximity to the Tidy Bowl Man, who no doubt took the opportunity to graffiti your dingles. He's incorrigible, and dangerously insane...consider yourself fortunate that you managed to escape with a blue spotted ass...
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

wiener 's picture

my dingles are blue? how come?

Anonymous Coward's picture

Dingleberries suck ass literally they suck asses

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

Anybody else starting to get tired of those Charmin commercials with the Dingleberry Bears?

They're not only tiresome, they're also slightly disturbing and creepy.

Charmin should just market this stuff as "The Anti-Dingleberry Tissue"

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Why can't she just bend over directly in front of the camera to open the oven. There's bigger asses out there. Julia Child wouldn't hesitate.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

Rachael Ray would also toast them, then use them as a crunchy topping for her award winning macaroni and cheese.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Home made dingleberry sauce for Thanksgiving to serve beside that EVOO deep fried turkey.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Isn't that Martha Stewart wonderful? I wonder what uses Rachael Ray could come up with?

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

I can't take credit for the idea. I'm pretty sure I first saw it on an episode of Martha Stewart.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Postman, I'm getting a disturbing visual that somewhat involves the Ocean Spray cranberry farmers.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

Best way to get rid of dingleberries is to sit in a tub of hot water and soak. Soon the dingleberries will soften up and fall off, and then float to the surface of the water. They can then be scooped off, and molded into little balls. Set them off to the side to dry, where you can then attach hooks to them and spray paint them festive colors.

There you have it, conversation starting Christmas ornaments for your tree.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

bananaberrys, you might want to check the
info-mercials for the "weed-aug". It seems to make quick work of pesky, deep-rooted weeds, which is basically what you got back there. Just be sure to have some after shave handy to splash on afterward.

bananaberrys's picture

my arse hurts, sooooooooo many dingles

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I use a small dab of Noxzema on the last pat of toilet paper when wiping; it cleans the anus and feels good. It certainly did not clog the septic system, which we had cleaned this past summer. I've never tried Vaseline.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

That would kill my septic system!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Well that's just great. A Vaseline shortage and a glut of toilet paper in the market. Isn't this economy fucked up enough?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Maybe so, but its still got to suck when you realize you are at the 135.5 mark (ie:half way through 136) and you are out of TP.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

LubeUrPoopTube's picture

I have found that a generous dollup of Vaseline or similar lubricating saave applied to the anus before deficating can prevent the formation of dingleberries, as well as serve as a barrier to prevent feces from clinging to the starfish shaped hole, thus drastically reducing the need for a "multiple wipe session" (MWS). This method is so effective, I have been dingleberry free since October of 1979 (when I perfected this method) and have made a good living on the lecture circuit passing on this valuable information to the dingleberry challenged. Additionally, I find that I require an average of only one roll of toilet paper for every 135.5 fecal evacuations.

Doody howzer's picture

I like this thread. Made me giggle..... Shave yo asses tho, seriously:)

Capt. Seamore Butts's picture

In the past I've had some bitter encounters with these.. little crusts of pain. I would have to agree with other posters; shaving your starfish works although a little itchy when the hair starts growing back. Also, walmart sells baby wipes dirt cheap.. they are moist and make your bung clean enough to eat off of. I am NOT shitting you!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Chief, I think Aunt Bea had a rather large "wooded valley" where she harvested the berries.

Butt Dumpling's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Use Charmin Asshole !

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Otis provided the raw material, and as a good business man, never touched his own product. Its how he got his money to drink the good stuff every day...Thunderbird or Boone's Farm.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

Getting back to the Andy Griffith theme, did Otis the town drunk ever get arrested for drinking too much dingleberry wine?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I thought I remembered the word "dingle" from a Dylan Thomas poem as having meant something like a pasture. I checked the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language and found that a dingle is
(a small wooded valley; a dell).

In that context anyone who has eaten a berry that grows in such a location has eaten "dingleberries". This would include many different berries types that I have eaten. My favorite desert as a child was blackberry cobbler or if you prefer "dingleberry cobbler".

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Deputy Fife would have allowed no pie stealing on his watch. Dingleberry pies are a rare treat and were well guarded in Mayberry.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

Also, Ernest T. Bass would throw a rock through the window, then come steal that pie.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Does anybody remember the old Andy Griffith shows, when Aunt Bea would put one of her own steaming dingleberry pies on the windowsill. Goober and Gomer used to come by, attracted by the sweet aroma.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Feto!!!!! How goes the Presidential Campaign? I'm totally convinced you can bury that fossil McCain, and that uppity minority fella, or that worthless hermaphrodite...
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Feto D Walcott's picture

I was informed by an equally foul as myself arabic associate that in the middle east when they suffer dinglebrryitis.The either drag a turban through their asses and burn it or the skid down a sand dune like a dog.Either way the dingleberries go!I sadly often find my old fetid rectum is a fertile dingleberry farm that seems to have them hanging like stalagtites in a cave.My ragged underwear will attest to that.

Anonymous Coward's picture

wet wipes!

Alex P.'s picture

Yo, think 'bout that dingleberry haven, i.e., somewhere in the Mid East, where falks don't have luxury of having TP?
For those having the dilemma of getting rid off dingleberries, simply stick you ass in the freezer for two minutes and then crush those sweet little bastards with your fingerstips.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points


If you have no butt thatch you will have no dingleberries.
If you have a problem
you must mow the lawn.
Japanese women have no perianal hair thus their darling little anuses are dingleberry free. _______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Dingleberry wine= syrah. Tastes just the same.

_______
Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Hum bunger's picture
l 100+ points

If you favor a carefull and selective harvest it takes two baby.

How can I ever get it together
Without a wife in line
To pick the crop and get me hot
On dingleberry wine

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Can't do that HB. You'll get a bad case of dingleberry-rootstalk-stubble. Very itchy.

Didn't Elton John have a song about dingleberry wine?

Hum bunger's picture
l 100+ points

You would allow scissors even remotely close to your nut sack?!

Just tear them dingles out by their rootstalks.

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