Ask PoopReport: Fire Retardant?

m 1+ points - Newb

Dear Poopreport,

I love spicy food! The hotter, the better, I say -- but my butthole begs to
differ. It can burn like hell up in there sometimes!!

It's odd because sometimes
it REALLY burns and sometimes it doesn't. So I figure something I am eating
just before or after eating my XXX Hotwings is determining whether or not I'm
gonna shit fire. Bottom line: I want my food to be as pleasant coming out
as it is going in. The ring of fire around my cornhole is gonna make me stop
eating my favorite food! HELP ME PLEASE!!!

136 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Fire Retardant?"

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

That's like asking: "Help, my foot is burning because I like stepping in fires..."

Answer: "Don't step in fires"

Part of the joy of eating XXX Hotwings is the burn coming out as well as going in. Maybe use just "X" sauce instead of "XXX". I always find that my bum gets numb after the first bit of molten lava, therefore making the rest of the eruption painless.

Bunghole's picture

Coat area with vaseline before emptying bowels.

Fubarious et Fraggum's picture

Drink milk or other cream based foods along with your meal. (Thai iced tea would be my choice.) Cream tends to neutralize spices at both ends, though it varies with the particular spice.

Gutbuster's picture
l 100+ points

Eat ice cream between bites, that way when you get the burn, but that cool cold bite of ice cream will follow. You will soon learn to enjoy the HOT-COLD-HOT-COLD sensation associated with XXX Hot Wings and Ice Cream. You think I'm kidding? But don;t try Rocky Road, the nuts may tear already burnt tissue causing additional and univited "inflammation"!

Pat's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Ahhh...the Burning Ring...We all get it, but nobody wants it. There is nothing quite like the sensation of shitting liquid fire. It hurts to wipe afterwards and the unpleasant throbbing stays with you for at least an hour afterwards, but then again, you can be assured you have a clean sphincter afterwards. Once the pain does pass, you feel like a new man...ready to have at those XXX wings once more.

Jeff B's picture
l 100+ points

Maybe it's just me but I love the anticipation of the fire to come. It can be the most satisfying bowel movement, likened to an ejaculation. It is most important to be near a home throne to fully enjoy the ecstasy.

AE86's picture

I beg to differ with those who enjoy asses of fire. I feel like I wipe with sandpaper and nails when I finish shitting. One time it got so bad I had blood on the tp and my ass hurt for 3 days. Onthe first night I got almost no sleep. I usually could put the fire out of my ass by taking a shower and using a ton of soap but this time it didn't work. however, suds from a bar of Irish Spring soap (aloe) and gallons of medium to cold water is usaully the best way to extinguish B.A.D. (Burning Ass Disease)

Bantam's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Ice cream between bites to cool one's ass? Bullshit. After spending plus or minus 24 hours in the body of a human (more so - inside the human's very source of heat!), that ice cream won't do crap unless that cream business is true.

Gutbuster's picture
l 100+ points

My dear friend the Bantam (a name usually associated with a small rooster, roosters are also known as a cock)Anyway, my dear friend the small-cock must not have ever tried this ingenius way of cooling ones rectal opening after eating hot spicy food.. Eat one bite of ice-cream and then one bite of hot stuff. Ice cream, Hot Stuff, IC, HS, IC, HS... You will discover that it does indeed come out Hot-Cool-Hot-Cool. I know it sounds crazy, but it is true. When you are through with this experiemnt I would like to show you the evidence that proves even though Santas reindeer never really come INTO the house on Christmas Eve, they STILL eat the carrots we leave out for them!! We have the half eaten stubs to prove it!

Jade's picture

My butt hurts when i sit on the toilet. and since your the butt expert kiss it! help me! Ouch i gotta poop! It's coming.....plop. help me!!! its stuck! how do i get it out!!!! crap it really i mean it crap wont come out!

Heather's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh the burning ass. I am a first time-ass burner. I put in "spicy food burn ass" in a search engine and found this site. I am 28, so you would think I would have had this experience before, but no this is my first time. I ate 4 little chili peppers- as an experiment to see how much of the spicy peppers I could tolerate. I generally love spicy food, but these were on fire. And now, so is my ass. I told my husband it felt like a ring of satanic hell fire. That was yesterday. Today my butt is all itchy and irritated, so I used my old stand-by, Benadryl Gel. It is for anti-itch, but also is soothing to the irritated area. I have used this gel for other things too, it is what I call a miracle cute. So anyway, if your ass is burnt, irritated or itchy, try a bottle of benadryl anti-itch gel. It is good stuff to have on hand- instantly brings relief!

I will never eat those spicy peppers again, because unlike the total douchebag who said it was a pleasant feeling, it totally fucking sucks.

Tom's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Just get some nice wet wipes with soothing aloe. When you start to burn, just wipe it away with one. Preparation H Cooling Gel is great for when you have burning or over wiping discomfort. Your ass will be so clean, someone could eat off of it.

Ryan's picture

This is the greatest and funniest thread I've ever seen!

In reference to B.A.D.

Have you ever experienced the following?

I.B.S. (Itchy Butt Syndrome)
D.B.S. (Dirty Butt Syndrome)
L.B.S. (Leaky Butt Syndrome)
or a combination of the above?
I.D.L.B.S. (Itchy, Dirty, Leaky Butt Syndrome)

Widowmaker's picture

I always make sure I have a few frozen Q-tips around for all the spicy food I eat.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Take some of that sunburn aloe gel. It works well and it feels great!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

ASSwipe's picture

A glass of milk (or even some cream as suggested) will ease the oral pain.
If casein proteins "unbind" the pepper's capsaicin molecules from oral nerve endings, does it also prevent "rectal acidosis"? An experiment is needed here. Maybe try some milk on your toilet paper?
I love spicy food as well, too much in fact. I also feel that a good, burning turd through your system may help prevent or cure parisitic infections of your gut. Anyone with personal experience, particularly tapeworms, please comment.

M. Wise's picture

I love your report.

lafing my butt off's picture

I cannot get off the floor, I am laughing so much ~ Thanks for the uplift

Scott's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Personally, I like those suppositories from Popsicle!

Bonanza King's picture

"I fell innnn to a burnin ring of fire
I went down down down and
Flames climbed higher
And it burned burned burned
Ring of fire
Ring of fire!"
If you don't like the burn down south, why do you like it up north? I love it at both ends.
Bonanza King

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Johnny Cash couldn't have said it better, Bonanza King.

I just discovered that if you wipe your ass with milk it cools some of the burn off. Don't know why, but it works.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Mr Burn's picture

I personally have eaten so much hot sauce the night before that it my ass bleeds like a woman on the rag.

Crapper John, M.D.'s picture

Milk has a detergent in it that break up the oils that carry the "burn". That's why it helps cool off your mouth when you eat spicy foods. I supposed it could to the same for the turd cutter.

Ass Master's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Hello all you little turds out in bung-hole land.
I like to just spoon some well timed ice cream into my ace before the radiactive turd gets close to birth. This will give you the real hot/cold sensation you are looking for.

P.W.B.B.S(Person With Burning Butt Syndrome's picture

I love hot wings and I suffer from B.B.S. or Burning Butt Syndrome. Thanks for the laughs. If you can't take the heat, too late you moron it's coming out whether you like it or not.

Young Butt Burner's picture

I think I'll try the ice cream, or the milk solution. I need to drink more milk anyway. Haha, I haven't had too much B.B.S(burning butt syndrome) but when I do, I almost cry haha. Once I ate a whole jar of pepperoncinis without any other foods.. hah i've done that more then once, the other time I did it I ate pepperoncinis with garlic, and I ate all the garlic and the pepperoncinis in one sitting... I think the forbidden fruit might've been a pepper, they couldn't resist, and they paid for it later.

Bryan Ferry's picture

I think Roxy Music put it best in their baleful ode to passing a BID (Brown Incendiary Device):

"Both ends burning and I cant control
The fires raging in my soul tonight
Oh will it never end?"

Perhaps we can try Homer Simpson's trick and coat our ani with wax?

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Is ani the plural of anus? I didn't know that! Wow. No *ahem* end to the stuff you can learn around here!

And what movie was it where there's someone off-stage, and shrieking like an Indian chant after eating Indian food? THAT was pretty funny!

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

This place gets weirder and weirder. Startin' to feel right at home. Volcano, how the hell do you wipe you ass with milk? I can see putting milk on the TP and wiping, but how do you do it with milk alone? I've amused myself for at least 15 minutes coming up with mental pictures of this. At work. While getting paid. Damn - America is great!

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Should some one market a milk saturated wet wipe? Hmmmmmmmmmmm. They could be left out, in little packets, at places that serve really spicy food. They could be placed next to the condiments. I would call them "Culo Coolers".
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

The Emir of Crapistan

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

What would the product be called? "Milk Of Bungnesia" would be my candidate.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points




Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

The Emir of Crapistan

pccoder's picture

I have hard core burning ass syndrome the day after eating hot wings too. And it SUX! I have tried damn near everything to ease the pain. I haven't tried ramming an ice cube up in there, but that doesn't sound like too bad an idea.

Ouch's picture

the google query "spice food burn butt" got me here. I had a curry dish at an indian restaurant, and they make it very hot. My mouth was much more tolerant of it than my butt. Ow!!!

Plopsy Doodle's picture

Fiery Flaming Poops From Hell are indeed painful, and I would suggest that having eaten a spicy meal, if you feel one coming on, you should NOT, in fact head for home-base and the security of your own crapper. Instead, you should head for a nice public crapper that specifically has a toilet tailored for disabled users. The key in dealing with spicy poo-balls is to get them through the pipes as quick as possible, and this is best achieved by holding onto the mobility-support frames mounted on a disabled-capper and BRACING your entire body like a crash test dummy and blowing it all out in one. A few quick wipes with an entire packet of baby-wipes and Hey Presto. I also find that if you are feeling like you are going to be in for a long one (pun intended) then it helps create an illusion of space and comfort if you take EVERYTHING off apart from your shoes and socks. Or boots.

Fire Crotch's picture

hahaha this site is great.
i just finished a rhsbm (red hot spicy bowel movement). it wasn't as painful as it has been before.. but it's never fun. so i searched on the internet for ways to prevent this burning of the butthole. after reading everyone's comment.. i've decided that i will try the milk/tp combination. but if that doesn't work.. i guess there's no getting around it. hahah oh well! this just proves how us spice-food-eaters are much more courageous than those wimpy people who "don't like it."

It burns, it burns's picture

Just put toilet paper in the fridge, saves your arse from looking like the Japanese flag!

The Fire & Ass Pimp!'s picture

This thread is awesome! People continue to post since April 2003! That's a long time to talk about burning shit! The best remedy I have found for my ass is burning "I will never eat that spicy shit again oh God please I'll do anything if you let me get through this". The wonderful shower wand! Squat ever so slightly in the shower to fully expose your burning bun hole and with the convenience of the shower wand with cold water shooting directly into the affected area for @ least 10 minutes, pat dry gently as to not irritate the raw burnt flesh. Finish with a nice thick coat of Preparation H cooling gel concentrating mainly on the burnt bun hole! Apply in a circular motion and don't forget and most importantly apply at least two inches into the blistering shit cavity! Good Luck and happy fire shitting! Cheers from Rick the Fire & Ass Pimp... (Florida)

Fire-N-The-Hole's picture

I googled "How to Stop Fireiarrhea" and got here, too!

Alas, no one seems to have a sure fire shit cure. My husband, the market guru, like the post about disposable packets at places that serve hot food. We'll if there's a commercial application for the product, you know Costco would sell a home version. They sell wet wipes to clean one's eyeglasses. If it makes money, Costco would not be too proud to sell "Butt Heat Extinguisher Wipes!"

Tonight, I would be breaking and entering my local Costco for a box of Extinguishers!

I agree with the entry above - I will never, never eat super hot stuff again. For me, I will never make homemade meatloaf with four kinds of chillis (including red and green serranos, green jalapenos, etc). I swear to never make "heat loaf" again -- no matter how my "immune to heat" husband begs!

It's going to be a long, hot lonely night.

Anonymous Coward's picture

In the UK we call this 'Ring Sting'. What is its official title in other parts of the world?

And boy am i suffering from it.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

For all of those who want to try milk on their burning
bungs why not make a compromise and use sour cream?
It is also a dairy product and
would probably spread like an ointment. You could use the left-overs for a tangy chip dip.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I like to use butter Chief. Left-overs make a WONDERFUL brown butter spread that is absolutely delicious on lobster.

Julia Child

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

In Tacoma Wa. is a Thai restaurant. When the owner sees me she calls the order back. She knows what I want! Soon in front of me will be red chicken curry. I am always surprised that the bowl doesn't melt. Beside it will be 2 Thai ice teas, with extra cream, just in case. First bite my nose starts to run, shortly after sweat beads on the forehead, all senses become more acute. By the time I'm finished, my shirt will be wet, and I will be approximately the shade of a red delicious apple. The beautiful, exquisite pain! I tip the Marquis De Seductress well. She hugs me before I leave. I am on my knees, and still taller than her when I do this. I awaken the next morning with the happy anticipation of re-living the experience again!

Jay's picture

Wow, and here i thought i was alone. I just googled "how to prevent a burning butt" and it lead me here lol. I'm totally glad I'm not alone.

I ate some very spicy food yesterday and today and it feels like lava dripping out of it. Horrible. I think I'm going to try some anti itch and milk to see if it sooths my pain.

Thank you all for making me feel a bit less weird. Happy New Year!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

If I eat fiery stuff with rice, it reduces the burn going in. I am fortunate to suffer only rarely with fire coming out. If I do, I can usually cool it with some Noxzema or similar creamy lotion or skin cleanser, applied with toilet paper. Pre-moistened wipes are also good; I try to make sure I have wiped and cleaned my anus very well.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Squat...I love Thai food and hot chilies, I once made the mistake of ordering a spicy dish and asking for it to be extra hot. I had to make three trips to the bathroom to blow my nose. After a minute or so the nerve endings in my tongue were destroyed and the pain was bearable. The next morning I farted and burned a hole in my boxers. After my morning dump my toilet paper burst into flame. I still eat fiery food but I no longer tempt the sadists in the kitchen my ordering extra hot.
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Anonymous Coward's picture

Oh man, I ate buffalo wild wings blazin wings and google searched "butt on fire spicy food" and ended up here. I have been wishing for death!!

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

You need Nivea cream (or any moisturising cold cream for that matter) applied to the ring after evacuation, as per my advice in the 'Ring Of Fire' thread. You can't stop it stinging as it comes out, but you can calm the afterburn to a bearable sizzle.

Ice cream will only calm your mouth. It won't calm your colon.

Whytheycallemchillistheyshouldbecalledburnies's picture

Did it again... DAMN! First added Katai Fire hot sauce to my wonton that burned.... so thought i should take it easy and eat mild food today but had mutter paneer tonight what was i thinking.... I think i am going to lie on the floor ass to the moon and pour ice cold yoghurt on there......F to the S!!!!

Joe Schmoe's picture

I googled "ass fire burn" and landed here. I don't know..I love hot food, but it burns so bad the next day I shake uncontrollably while trying to shit. I cant imagine a pain more severe. I need to gnaw on a belt to take the raw dripping pain. The asshole has more nerves in it than any other part of the body. I want to hear from someone that knows something scientific about the neutralization of the spice. Milk helps? I think it does in my experiences. I have noticed that the pain has become more severe as I've gotten older, but still I cant stop eating hot wings??? Getting ready to eat some now, I'm trying blue cheese and milk. Will report back on the result tomorrow.

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