Ask PoopReport: Fire Retardant?

// // 135 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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Dear Poopreport,

I love spicy food! The hotter, the better, I say -- but my butthole begs to
differ. It can burn like hell up in there sometimes!!

It's odd because sometimes
it REALLY burns and sometimes it doesn't. So I figure something I am eating
just before or after eating my XXX Hotwings is determining whether or not I'm
gonna shit fire. Bottom line: I want my food to be as pleasant coming out
as it is going in. The ring of fire around my cornhole is gonna make me stop
eating my favorite food! HELP ME PLEASE!!!

135 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Fire Retardant?"

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
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That's like asking: "Help, my foot is burning because I like stepping in fires..."

Answer: "Don't step in fires"

Part of the joy of eating XXX Hotwings is the burn coming out as well as going in. Maybe use just "X" sauce instead of "XXX". I always find that my bum gets numb after the first bit of molten lava, therefore making the rest of the eruption painless.

Bunghole's picture
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Coat area with vaseline before emptying bowels.

Fubarious et Fraggum's picture
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Drink milk or other cream based foods along with your meal. (Thai iced tea would be my choice.) Cream tends to neutralize spices at both ends, though it varies with the particular spice.

Gutbuster's picture
l 100+ points
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Eat ice cream between bites, that way when you get the burn, but that cool cold bite of ice cream will follow. You will soon learn to enjoy the HOT-COLD-HOT-COLD sensation associated with XXX Hot Wings and Ice Cream. You think I'm kidding? But don;t try Rocky Road, the nuts may tear already burnt tissue causing additional and univited "inflammation"!

Pat's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Ahhh...the Burning Ring...We all get it, but nobody wants it. There is nothing quite like the sensation of shitting liquid fire. It hurts to wipe afterwards and the unpleasant throbbing stays with you for at least an hour afterwards, but then again, you can be assured you have a clean sphincter afterwards. Once the pain does pass, you feel like a new man...ready to have at those XXX wings once more.

Jeff B's picture
l 100+ points
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Maybe it's just me but I love the anticipation of the fire to come. It can be the most satisfying bowel movement, likened to an ejaculation. It is most important to be near a home throne to fully enjoy the ecstasy.

AE86's picture
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I beg to differ with those who enjoy asses of fire. I feel like I wipe with sandpaper and nails when I finish shitting. One time it got so bad I had blood on the tp and my ass hurt for 3 days. Onthe first night I got almost no sleep. I usually could put the fire out of my ass by taking a shower and using a ton of soap but this time it didn't work. however, suds from a bar of Irish Spring soap (aloe) and gallons of medium to cold water is usaully the best way to extinguish B.A.D. (Burning Ass Disease)

Bantam's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Ice cream between bites to cool one's ass? Bullshit. After spending plus or minus 24 hours in the body of a human (more so - inside the human's very source of heat!), that ice cream won't do crap unless that cream business is true.

Gutbuster's picture
l 100+ points
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My dear friend the Bantam (a name usually associated with a small rooster, roosters are also known as a cock)Anyway, my dear friend the small-cock must not have ever tried this ingenius way of cooling ones rectal opening after eating hot spicy food.. Eat one bite of ice-cream and then one bite of hot stuff. Ice cream, Hot Stuff, IC, HS, IC, HS... You will discover that it does indeed come out Hot-Cool-Hot-Cool. I know it sounds crazy, but it is true. When you are through with this experiemnt I would like to show you the evidence that proves even though Santas reindeer never really come INTO the house on Christmas Eve, they STILL eat the carrots we leave out for them!! We have the half eaten stubs to prove it!

Jade's picture
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My butt hurts when i sit on the toilet. and since your the butt expert kiss it! help me! Ouch i gotta poop! It's coming.....plop. help me!!! its stuck! how do i get it out!!!! crap it really i mean it crap wont come out!

Heather's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Oh the burning ass. I am a first time-ass burner. I put in "spicy food burn ass" in a search engine and found this site. I am 28, so you would think I would have had this experience before, but no this is my first time. I ate 4 little chili peppers- as an experiment to see how much of the spicy peppers I could tolerate. I generally love spicy food, but these were on fire. And now, so is my ass. I told my husband it felt like a ring of satanic hell fire. That was yesterday. Today my butt is all itchy and irritated, so I used my old stand-by, Benadryl Gel. It is for anti-itch, but also is soothing to the irritated area. I have used this gel for other things too, it is what I call a miracle cute. So anyway, if your ass is burnt, irritated or itchy, try a bottle of benadryl anti-itch gel. It is good stuff to have on hand- instantly brings relief!

I will never eat those spicy peppers again, because unlike the total douchebag who said it was a pleasant feeling, it totally fucking sucks.

Tom's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Just get some nice wet wipes with soothing aloe. When you start to burn, just wipe it away with one. Preparation H Cooling Gel is great for when you have burning or over wiping discomfort. Your ass will be so clean, someone could eat off of it.

Ryan's picture
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This is the greatest and funniest thread I've ever seen!

In reference to B.A.D.

Have you ever experienced the following?

I.B.S. (Itchy Butt Syndrome)
D.B.S. (Dirty Butt Syndrome)
L.B.S. (Leaky Butt Syndrome)
or a combination of the above?
I.D.L.B.S. (Itchy, Dirty, Leaky Butt Syndrome)

Widowmaker's picture
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I always make sure I have a few frozen Q-tips around for all the spicy food I eat.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Take some of that sunburn aloe gel. It works well and it feels great!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

ASSwipe's picture
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A glass of milk (or even some cream as suggested) will ease the oral pain. http://www.bbg.org/gar2/topics/kitchen/handbooks/chile/3.html
If casein proteins "unbind" the pepper's capsaicin molecules from oral nerve endings, does it also prevent "rectal acidosis"? An experiment is needed here. Maybe try some milk on your toilet paper?
I love spicy food as well, too much in fact. I also feel that a good, burning turd through your system may help prevent or cure parisitic infections of your gut. Anyone with personal experience, particularly tapeworms, please comment.

M. Wise's picture
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I love your report.

lafing my butt off's picture
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I cannot get off the floor, I am laughing so much ~ Thanks for the uplift

Scott's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Personally, I like those suppositories from Popsicle!

Bonanza King's picture
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"I fell innnn to a burnin ring of fire
I went down down down and
Flames climbed higher
And it burned burned burned
Ring of fire
Ring of fire!"
If you don't like the burn down south, why do you like it up north? I love it at both ends.
Bonanza King

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Johnny Cash couldn't have said it better, Bonanza King.

I just discovered that if you wipe your ass with milk it cools some of the burn off. Don't know why, but it works.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Mr Burn's picture
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I personally have eaten so much hot sauce the night before that it my ass bleeds like a woman on the rag.

Crapper John, M.D.'s picture
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Milk has a detergent in it that break up the oils that carry the "burn". That's why it helps cool off your mouth when you eat spicy foods. I supposed it could to the same for the turd cutter.

Ass Master's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Hello all you little turds out in bung-hole land.
I like to just spoon some well timed ice cream into my ace before the radiactive turd gets close to birth. This will give you the real hot/cold sensation you are looking for.

P.W.B.B.S(Person With Burning Butt Syndrome's picture
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I love hot wings and I suffer from B.B.S. or Burning Butt Syndrome. Thanks for the laughs. If you can't take the heat, too late you moron it's coming out whether you like it or not.

Young Butt Burner's picture
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I think I'll try the ice cream, or the milk solution. I need to drink more milk anyway. Haha, I haven't had too much B.B.S(burning butt syndrome) but when I do, I almost cry haha. Once I ate a whole jar of pepperoncinis without any other foods.. hah i've done that more then once, the other time I did it I ate pepperoncinis with garlic, and I ate all the garlic and the pepperoncinis in one sitting... I think the forbidden fruit might've been a pepper, they couldn't resist, and they paid for it later.

Bryan Ferry's picture
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I think Roxy Music put it best in their baleful ode to passing a BID (Brown Incendiary Device):

"Both ends burning and I cant control
The fires raging in my soul tonight
Oh will it never end?"

Perhaps we can try Homer Simpson's trick and coat our ani with wax?

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Is ani the plural of anus? I didn't know that! Wow. No *ahem* end to the stuff you can learn around here!

And what movie was it where there's someone off-stage, and shrieking like an Indian chant after eating Indian food? THAT was pretty funny!

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points
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This place gets weirder and weirder. Startin' to feel right at home. Volcano, how the hell do you wipe you ass with milk? I can see putting milk on the TP and wiping, but how do you do it with milk alone? I've amused myself for at least 15 minutes coming up with mental pictures of this. At work. While getting paid. Damn - America is great!

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Should some one market a milk saturated wet wipe? Hmmmmmmmmmmm. They could be left out, in little packets, at places that serve really spicy food. They could be placed next to the condiments. I would call them "Culo Coolers".
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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What would the product be called? "Milk Of Bungnesia" would be my candidate.
_______
GottaGoGottaGoGottaGoRightNow!

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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DOOKEY DAIRY

UN-GOO YOUR POO FLU WITH MOO GOO!

LACTOSE FOR YOU ASSHOLES

BOVINE BUNG BALM
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

pccoder's picture
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I have hard core burning ass syndrome the day after eating hot wings too. And it SUX! I have tried damn near everything to ease the pain. I haven't tried ramming an ice cube up in there, but that doesn't sound like too bad an idea.

Ouch's picture
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the google query "spice food burn butt" got me here. I had a curry dish at an indian restaurant, and they make it very hot. My mouth was much more tolerant of it than my butt. Ow!!!

Plopsy Doodle's picture
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Fiery Flaming Poops From Hell are indeed painful, and I would suggest that having eaten a spicy meal, if you feel one coming on, you should NOT, in fact head for home-base and the security of your own crapper. Instead, you should head for a nice public crapper that specifically has a toilet tailored for disabled users. The key in dealing with spicy poo-balls is to get them through the pipes as quick as possible, and this is best achieved by holding onto the mobility-support frames mounted on a disabled-capper and BRACING your entire body like a crash test dummy and blowing it all out in one. A few quick wipes with an entire packet of baby-wipes and Hey Presto. I also find that if you are feeling like you are going to be in for a long one (pun intended) then it helps create an illusion of space and comfort if you take EVERYTHING off apart from your shoes and socks. Or boots.

Fire Crotch's picture
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hahaha this site is great.
i just finished a rhsbm (red hot spicy bowel movement). it wasn't as painful as it has been before.. but it's never fun. so i searched on the internet for ways to prevent this burning of the butthole. after reading everyone's comment.. i've decided that i will try the milk/tp combination. but if that doesn't work.. i guess there's no getting around it. hahah oh well! this just proves how us spice-food-eaters are much more courageous than those wimpy people who "don't like it."

It burns, it burns's picture
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Just put toilet paper in the fridge, saves your arse from looking like the Japanese flag!

The Fire & Ass Pimp!'s picture
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This thread is awesome! People continue to post since April 2003! That's a long time to talk about burning shit! The best remedy I have found for my ass is burning "I will never eat that spicy shit again oh God please I'll do anything if you let me get through this". The wonderful shower wand! Squat ever so slightly in the shower to fully expose your burning bun hole and with the convenience of the shower wand with cold water shooting directly into the affected area for @ least 10 minutes, pat dry gently as to not irritate the raw burnt flesh. Finish with a nice thick coat of Preparation H cooling gel concentrating mainly on the burnt bun hole! Apply in a circular motion and don't forget and most importantly apply at least two inches into the blistering shit cavity! Good Luck and happy fire shitting! Cheers from Rick the Fire & Ass Pimp... (Florida)

Fire-N-The-Hole's picture
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I googled "How to Stop Fireiarrhea" and got here, too!

Alas, no one seems to have a sure fire shit cure. My husband, the market guru, like the post about disposable packets at places that serve hot food. We'll if there's a commercial application for the product, you know Costco would sell a home version. They sell wet wipes to clean one's eyeglasses. If it makes money, Costco would not be too proud to sell "Butt Heat Extinguisher Wipes!"

Tonight, I would be breaking and entering my local Costco for a box of Extinguishers!

I agree with the entry above - I will never, never eat super hot stuff again. For me, I will never make homemade meatloaf with four kinds of chillis (including red and green serranos, green jalapenos, etc). I swear to never make "heat loaf" again -- no matter how my "immune to heat" husband begs!

It's going to be a long, hot lonely night.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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In the UK we call this 'Ring Sting'. What is its official title in other parts of the world?

And boy am i suffering from it.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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For all of those who want to try milk on their burning
bungs why not make a compromise and use sour cream?
It is also a dairy product and
would probably spread like an ointment. You could use the left-overs for a tangy chip dip.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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I like to use butter Chief. Left-overs make a WONDERFUL brown butter spread that is absolutely delicious on lobster.

Julia Child

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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In Tacoma Wa. is a Thai restaurant. When the owner sees me she calls the order back. She knows what I want! Soon in front of me will be red chicken curry. I am always surprised that the bowl doesn't melt. Beside it will be 2 Thai ice teas, with extra cream, just in case. First bite my nose starts to run, shortly after sweat beads on the forehead, all senses become more acute. By the time I'm finished, my shirt will be wet, and I will be approximately the shade of a red delicious apple. The beautiful, exquisite pain! I tip the Marquis De Seductress well. She hugs me before I leave. I am on my knees, and still taller than her when I do this. I awaken the next morning with the happy anticipation of re-living the experience again!

Jay's picture
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Wow, and here i thought i was alone. I just googled "how to prevent a burning butt" and it lead me here lol. I'm totally glad I'm not alone.

I ate some very spicy food yesterday and today and it feels like lava dripping out of it. Horrible. I think I'm going to try some anti itch and milk to see if it sooths my pain.

Thank you all for making me feel a bit less weird. Happy New Year!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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If I eat fiery stuff with rice, it reduces the burn going in. I am fortunate to suffer only rarely with fire coming out. If I do, I can usually cool it with some Noxzema or similar creamy lotion or skin cleanser, applied with toilet paper. Pre-moistened wipes are also good; I try to make sure I have wiped and cleaned my anus very well.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Squat...I love Thai food and hot chilies, I once made the mistake of ordering a spicy dish and asking for it to be extra hot. I had to make three trips to the bathroom to blow my nose. After a minute or so the nerve endings in my tongue were destroyed and the pain was bearable. The next morning I farted and burned a hole in my boxers. After my morning dump my toilet paper burst into flame. I still eat fiery food but I no longer tempt the sadists in the kitchen my ordering extra hot.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Oh man, I ate buffalo wild wings blazin wings and google searched "butt on fire spicy food" and ended up here. I have been wishing for death!!

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points
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You need Nivea cream (or any moisturising cold cream for that matter) applied to the ring after evacuation, as per my advice in the 'Ring Of Fire' thread. You can't stop it stinging as it comes out, but you can calm the afterburn to a bearable sizzle.

Ice cream will only calm your mouth. It won't calm your colon.

Whytheycallemchillistheyshouldbecalledburnies's picture
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Did it again... DAMN! First added Katai Fire hot sauce to my wonton that burned.... so thought i should take it easy and eat mild food today but had mutter paneer tonight what was i thinking.... I think i am going to lie on the floor ass to the moon and pour ice cold yoghurt on there......F to the S!!!!

Joe Schmoe's picture
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I googled "ass fire burn" and landed here. I don't know..I love hot food, but it burns so bad the next day I shake uncontrollably while trying to shit. I cant imagine a pain more severe. I need to gnaw on a belt to take the raw dripping pain. The asshole has more nerves in it than any other part of the body. I want to hear from someone that knows something scientific about the neutralization of the spice. Milk helps? I think it does in my experiences. I have noticed that the pain has become more severe as I've gotten older, but still I cant stop eating hot wings??? Getting ready to eat some now, I'm trying blue cheese and milk. Will report back on the result tomorrow.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points
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Nivea cream Joe, or any moisturising cold-cream. Raid your mother's cosmetics. Can't do anything about the initial burn, but it helps to soothe the flaming starfish after you've emptied your crapcave. See the post "The Soothing Virtues Of Nivea Cream" on the front page.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points
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Damn, I've just realised that I posted almost exactly the same comment earlier in the thread. This is what comes of spending so much time on poop report that I forget what I have and have not done. Oh well. Either delete the earlier post o' holy mods, or just forgive my repetition.

It's true though. Nivea does work. It's wonderful.

Howling like a wolf's picture
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The first "trouser coughs" act as an indicator to the severity of the storm with the pitch becoming lower & lower - you know that within an hour you will be sweating like a racehorse as you squeeze the towel rail like a madman cursing the amount of hot sauce you put on your pizza. You stare in the mirror at your contorted body wondering if women go through a similar experience for a few days each month? Yet by dinner time the experience is forgotten as you put down your beer & reach for the chilli...

Ring of Fire in Arizona's picture
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Suffering from the ring of fire in a 115 to a 120 degree bathroom with no air conditioning in the Arizona desert is like your final shot on death row. Here, when this occurs one goes outside in the back yard at night, sticks the garden hose up your but and give yourself an enima and after your entire body comes out your little tweater or boom box for some of you fellows, you can hose yourself down and kill 3 birds with one stone. 1.Remove all contents from inside your body. 2.Wash remaining blood and guts off butt and thighs and 3. Cool down all at the same time. Respectfully signed, No weeds or grass in my back yard!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Don't know where in AZ you live, Ring, but here in Havasu, when that garden hose is sitting in the sun...water comes out well above the boiling point...I get steam, and the pipes aren't buried deep enough for the water to cool off significantly. I just jam an entire aloe vera plant up my ass. Oh, and then wipe with a cat, of course.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Ring of Fire in Arizona's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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And don't forget to use the vaseline before getting dressed. Vaseline is a brand of petroleum jelly based products owned by Anglo-Dutch company Unilever. Products include plain petroleum jelly and a selection of skin creams, lotions, cleansers, deodorants and lubricants.
_______
NO GRASS OR WEEDS IN MY BACKYARD

NO GRASS OR WEEDS IN MY BACKYARD

Roban's picture
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It is imporant to ensure that the fire poop is free flowing. A congested system just means more pain. Infact, if you can explosivly dispell the flaming poop, all the better.

My method is to consume the hot food, wait a few hours then consume a cocktail of all the things which usually clean me out, baked beans, milk, energy drinks, egg based products.

The result is the quickest most painfree version of an ass flame thrower i can think of.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I would think the reverse would be true: hot liquid poop would burn the worst, while a nice solid turd would just slide out, not making chemical reactions with the anal wall. Try following the hot stuff with some applesauce or some rice or toast, to solidify the turd. Let us know the results.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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spray liquid nitrogen down there. ( TEASING )

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Thanks a lot CKK!....I tried the liquid nitrogen before I read the (TEASING) part and when I sat down my balls broke off...oh well I didn't have much use for them anyway.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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MSG you are correct sir! Once in India I was warned about the peppers. I discounted this warning, having much experience with peppers, stating that I had even done the "fire and ice" experience. Mixing Habenero and ice cream, for a strange and wonderful mouth sensation. Unlike most peppers that build with time, this was instantaneous. I thought I was having a heart attack. Time stood still. The tunnel of pure white light. Hi grandma, hi Elvis.

Getting back to MSG being correct. The liquid lava Lucifer shits were not pleasant.

Jim's picture
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Mmm...buffalo fries. It did get numb afterwards, but wowee it felt like napalm was shooting out of me.

Pepper Man's picture
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I have read about 1/2 of the comments here and got bored...Anyway What I do after eating some HOT HOT food I talk a dose of Milk of Magnesia before going to bed, the next morning I usaully have a good bowel movement and the pepper comes out with no pain or iritation. I live in the caribbean and eat a LOT of peppers basically in some form (raw, hot sauce, cooked etc.)with every meal...

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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So... you take milk of mag every day? No wonder you are board, you can not leave your house.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I suppose that over the years my asshole has gotten as tough as my mouth. If I can stand to eat it, I can stand to poop it out.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Chief! I am way too drunk to be posting. Damn good port! I hear about people having online friends, I always thought that was rubbish, (I sound so fucking British) You however, dear Mr.. Thunderbutt are the exception. You Sir, are welcome at my humble abode anytime! Bring your beautiful Japanese wife with you! (or her sister!)

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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This reminds me of the Steven King Movie...FIRE STARTER !

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Thanks for your kind words Squat....I also think very highly of many of those who post here. The anonymity of the situation makes it possible to bare our souls more than we probably would in face to face confrontations. I definitely consider you an online friend of the highest order.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
0
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a snow cone???

CHILI JUDGING CONTEST: A Texas Chili Contest -

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

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Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

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Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

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Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

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Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

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Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

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Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

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