That's like asking: "Help, my foot is burning because I like stepping in fires..."

Answer: "Don't step in fires"

Part of the joy of eating XXX Hotwings is the burn coming out as well as going in. Maybe use just "X" sauce instead of "XXX". I always find that my bum gets numb after the first bit of molten lava, therefore making the rest of the eruption painless.

Coat area with vaseline before emptying bowels.

Drink milk or other cream based foods along with your meal. (Thai iced tea would be my choice.) Cream tends to neutralize spices at both ends, though it varies with the particular spice.

Eat ice cream between bites, that way when you get the burn, but that cool cold bite of ice cream will follow. You will soon learn to enjoy the HOT-COLD-HOT-COLD sensation associated with XXX Hot Wings and Ice Cream. You think I'm kidding? But don;t try Rocky Road, the nuts may tear already burnt tissue causing additional and univited "inflammation"!

Ahhh...the Burning Ring...We all get it, but nobody wants it. There is nothing quite like the sensation of shitting liquid fire. It hurts to wipe afterwards and the unpleasant throbbing stays with you for at least an hour afterwards, but then again, you can be assured you have a clean sphincter afterwards. Once the pain does pass, you feel like a new man...ready to have at those XXX wings once more.

Maybe it's just me but I love the anticipation of the fire to come. It can be the most satisfying bowel movement, likened to an ejaculation. It is most important to be near a home throne to fully enjoy the ecstasy.

I beg to differ with those who enjoy asses of fire. I feel like I wipe with sandpaper and nails when I finish shitting. One time it got so bad I had blood on the tp and my ass hurt for 3 days. Onthe first night I got almost no sleep. I usually could put the fire out of my ass by taking a shower and using a ton of soap but this time it didn't work. however, suds from a bar of Irish Spring soap (aloe) and gallons of medium to cold water is usaully the best way to extinguish B.A.D. (Burning Ass Disease)

Ice cream between bites to cool one's ass? Bullshit. After spending plus or minus 24 hours in the body of a human (more so - inside the human's very source of heat!), that ice cream won't do crap unless that cream business is true.

My dear friend the Bantam (a name usually associated with a small rooster, roosters are also known as a cock)Anyway, my dear friend the small-cock must not have ever tried this ingenius way of cooling ones rectal opening after eating hot spicy food.. Eat one bite of ice-cream and then one bite of hot stuff. Ice cream, Hot Stuff, IC, HS, IC, HS... You will discover that it does indeed come out Hot-Cool-Hot-Cool. I know it sounds crazy, but it is true. When you are through with this experiemnt I would like to show you the evidence that proves even though Santas reindeer never really come INTO the house on Christmas Eve, they STILL eat the carrots we leave out for them!! We have the half eaten stubs to prove it!

My butt hurts when i sit on the toilet. and since your the butt expert kiss it! help me! Ouch i gotta poop! It's coming.....plop. help me!!! its stuck! how do i get it out!!!! crap it really i mean it crap wont come out!

Oh the burning ass. I am a first time-ass burner. I put in "spicy food burn ass" in a search engine and found this site. I am 28, so you would think I would have had this experience before, but no this is my first time. I ate 4 little chili peppers- as an experiment to see how much of the spicy peppers I could tolerate. I generally love spicy food, but these were on fire. And now, so is my ass. I told my husband it felt like a ring of satanic hell fire. That was yesterday. Today my butt is all itchy and irritated, so I used my old stand-by, Benadryl Gel. It is for anti-itch, but also is soothing to the irritated area. I have used this gel for other things too, it is what I call a miracle cute. So anyway, if your ass is burnt, irritated or itchy, try a bottle of benadryl anti-itch gel. It is good stuff to have on hand- instantly brings relief!

I will never eat those spicy peppers again, because unlike the total douchebag who said it was a pleasant feeling, it totally fucking sucks.

Just get some nice wet wipes with soothing aloe. When you start to burn, just wipe it away with one. Preparation H Cooling Gel is great for when you have burning or over wiping discomfort. Your ass will be so clean, someone could eat off of it.

This is the greatest and funniest thread I've ever seen!

In reference to B.A.D.

Have you ever experienced the following?

I.B.S. (Itchy Butt Syndrome)
D.B.S. (Dirty Butt Syndrome)
L.B.S. (Leaky Butt Syndrome)
or a combination of the above?
I.D.L.B.S. (Itchy, Dirty, Leaky Butt Syndrome)

I always make sure I have a few frozen Q-tips around for all the spicy food I eat.

Take some of that sunburn aloe gel. It works well and it feels great!

A glass of milk (or even some cream as suggested) will ease the oral pain. http://www.bbg.org/gar2/topics/kitchen/handbooks/chile/3.html
If casein proteins "unbind" the pepper's capsaicin molecules from oral nerve endings, does it also prevent "rectal acidosis"? An experiment is needed here. Maybe try some milk on your toilet paper?
I love spicy food as well, too much in fact. I also feel that a good, burning turd through your system may help prevent or cure parisitic infections of your gut. Anyone with personal experience, particularly tapeworms, please comment.

I love your report.

I cannot get off the floor, I am laughing so much ~ Thanks for the uplift

Personally, I like those suppositories from Popsicle!

"I fell innnn to a burnin ring of fire
I went down down down and
Flames climbed higher
And it burned burned burned
Ring of fire
Ring of fire!"
If you don't like the burn down south, why do you like it up north? I love it at both ends.
Bonanza King

Johnny Cash couldn't have said it better, Bonanza King.

I just discovered that if you wipe your ass with milk it cools some of the burn off. Don't know why, but it works.

I personally have eaten so much hot sauce the night before that it my ass bleeds like a woman on the rag.

Milk has a detergent in it that break up the oils that carry the "burn". That's why it helps cool off your mouth when you eat spicy foods. I supposed it could to the same for the turd cutter.

Hello all you little turds out in bung-hole land.
I like to just spoon some well timed ice cream into my ace before the radiactive turd gets close to birth. This will give you the real hot/cold sensation you are looking for.

I love hot wings and I suffer from B.B.S. or Burning Butt Syndrome. Thanks for the laughs. If you can't take the heat, too late you moron it's coming out whether you like it or not.

I think I'll try the ice cream, or the milk solution. I need to drink more milk anyway. Haha, I haven't had too much B.B.S(burning butt syndrome) but when I do, I almost cry haha. Once I ate a whole jar of pepperoncinis without any other foods.. hah i've done that more then once, the other time I did it I ate pepperoncinis with garlic, and I ate all the garlic and the pepperoncinis in one sitting... I think the forbidden fruit might've been a pepper, they couldn't resist, and they paid for it later.

I think Roxy Music put it best in their baleful ode to passing a BID (Brown Incendiary Device):

"Both ends burning and I cant control
The fires raging in my soul tonight
Oh will it never end?"

Perhaps we can try Homer Simpson's trick and coat our ani with wax?

Is ani the plural of anus? I didn't know that! Wow. No *ahem* end to the stuff you can learn around here!

And what movie was it where there's someone off-stage, and shrieking like an Indian chant after eating Indian food? THAT was pretty funny!

This place gets weirder and weirder. Startin' to feel right at home. Volcano, how the hell do you wipe you ass with milk? I can see putting milk on the TP and wiping, but how do you do it with milk alone? I've amused myself for at least 15 minutes coming up with mental pictures of this. At work. While getting paid. Damn - America is great!

Should some one market a milk saturated wet wipe? Hmmmmmmmmmmm. They could be left out, in little packets, at places that serve really spicy food. They could be placed next to the condiments. I would call them "Culo Coolers".
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

What would the product be called? "Milk Of Bungnesia" would be my candidate.
_______
GottaGoGottaGoGottaGoRightNow!

DOOKEY DAIRY

UN-GOO YOUR POO FLU WITH MOO GOO!

LACTOSE FOR YOU ASSHOLES

BOVINE BUNG BALM
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

I have hard core burning ass syndrome the day after eating hot wings too. And it SUX! I have tried damn near everything to ease the pain. I haven't tried ramming an ice cube up in there, but that doesn't sound like too bad an idea.

the google query "spice food burn butt" got me here. I had a curry dish at an indian restaurant, and they make it very hot. My mouth was much more tolerant of it than my butt. Ow!!!

Fiery Flaming Poops From Hell are indeed painful, and I would suggest that having eaten a spicy meal, if you feel one coming on, you should NOT, in fact head for home-base and the security of your own crapper. Instead, you should head for a nice public crapper that specifically has a toilet tailored for disabled users. The key in dealing with spicy poo-balls is to get them through the pipes as quick as possible, and this is best achieved by holding onto the mobility-support frames mounted on a disabled-capper and BRACING your entire body like a crash test dummy and blowing it all out in one. A few quick wipes with an entire packet of baby-wipes and Hey Presto. I also find that if you are feeling like you are going to be in for a long one (pun intended) then it helps create an illusion of space and comfort if you take EVERYTHING off apart from your shoes and socks. Or boots.

hahaha this site is great.
i just finished a rhsbm (red hot spicy bowel movement). it wasn't as painful as it has been before.. but it's never fun. so i searched on the internet for ways to prevent this burning of the butthole. after reading everyone's comment.. i've decided that i will try the milk/tp combination. but if that doesn't work.. i guess there's no getting around it. hahah oh well! this just proves how us spice-food-eaters are much more courageous than those wimpy people who "don't like it."

Just put toilet paper in the fridge, saves your arse from looking like the Japanese flag!

This thread is awesome! People continue to post since April 2003! That's a long time to talk about burning shit! The best remedy I have found for my ass is burning "I will never eat that spicy shit again oh God please I'll do anything if you let me get through this". The wonderful shower wand! Squat ever so slightly in the shower to fully expose your burning bun hole and with the convenience of the shower wand with cold water shooting directly into the affected area for @ least 10 minutes, pat dry gently as to not irritate the raw burnt flesh. Finish with a nice thick coat of Preparation H cooling gel concentrating mainly on the burnt bun hole! Apply in a circular motion and don't forget and most importantly apply at least two inches into the blistering shit cavity! Good Luck and happy fire shitting! Cheers from Rick the Fire & Ass Pimp... (Florida)

I googled "How to Stop Fireiarrhea" and got here, too!

Alas, no one seems to have a sure fire shit cure. My husband, the market guru, like the post about disposable packets at places that serve hot food. We'll if there's a commercial application for the product, you know Costco would sell a home version. They sell wet wipes to clean one's eyeglasses. If it makes money, Costco would not be too proud to sell "Butt Heat Extinguisher Wipes!"

Tonight, I would be breaking and entering my local Costco for a box of Extinguishers!

I agree with the entry above - I will never, never eat super hot stuff again. For me, I will never make homemade meatloaf with four kinds of chillis (including red and green serranos, green jalapenos, etc). I swear to never make "heat loaf" again -- no matter how my "immune to heat" husband begs!

It's going to be a long, hot lonely night.