Ask PoopReport: Fire Retardant?

// // 135 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Dear Poopreport,

I love spicy food! The hotter, the better, I say -- but my butthole begs to
differ. It can burn like hell up in there sometimes!!

It's odd because sometimes
it REALLY burns and sometimes it doesn't. So I figure something I am eating
just before or after eating my XXX Hotwings is determining whether or not I'm
gonna shit fire. Bottom line: I want my food to be as pleasant coming out
as it is going in. The ring of fire around my cornhole is gonna make me stop
eating my favorite food! HELP ME PLEASE!!!

135 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Fire Retardant?"

Anonymous's picture

Wow! I had a few drops of Mad Dog's Revenge, a habanero and chili extract sauce that is 100000000 Scoville in intensity and 450 times hotter than Tabasco! It was in a chili con carne sauce mix and today my backside is definitely not happy! I might take the advice to get a soothing gel! Yesterday to slow the burn I had a milkshake, ice cream and four cups of milk followed by Rennie tabs!
Today will be interesting!

Anonymous's picture

On the pot right now as I indulged in jalapenos last night. There is pain and explosions and blood.

Montgomery triangle is awesome!

Anonymous's picture

Well, I did not read every comment, but I will mention my findings. I First tried baking soda in water, based of the neutralize battery acid theory, while I was hopeful I was mostly disappointed. It seemed only the water helped providing level 1 relief.

Then I tried Vaseline. That soothed and provided level 5 relief. I haven't released any lava since applying so I'm not sure if it will help with the fire during the eruption but I think the Vaseline will coat the inflamed area keeping the capsaicin from touching a lot of the area. This is the worst burning shit I've ever had. Normally I just dab a little water on my TP.

Anonymous's picture

Put ice on the hole and than put coldmilk on a towel or tissue and enjoy it.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

The burn doesn't go away entirely. I have been stuffing my pie hole with all manner of peppers for over half a century and can still feel the burn when they make their exit via my rear vent. It doesn't bother me now though. I think all the nerve endings in both ends have been burned out.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture

The best way to cure the fire shits is to eat spicy food everyday and acclimate your body to it. The first week is rough but after that the burn goes away!

Anonymous's picture

Listen-up! I've found the ideal cure.

Take some milk of magnesia: maybe about 1.5 times the stated two table spoon dose. Then, about an hour later, eat a big bowl of plane or vanilla yogurt. Ahhhhhh........... It works. Can't hurt to eat a bowl of some oatmeal-based cereal with a lot of milk on top of all that. The milk of magnesia puts out some of the fire and makes sure that the blasting sessions don't take too long (it's a laxative in addition to calming acid and "fire").

Your ass will be back to normal in record time.

Now, as far as looking for a great way to kill someone, consider buying a bottle of "Mad Dog 357" hot sauce. Sneak 1 teaspoon into someone's bloody marry and they'll quite literally be dialing 911 in five minutes.

Anonymous's picture

Just stumbled upon this while trying to find a solution to solve my Burning ring sting issue. Great read and first post of 2012!

Anonymous's picture

It burns!

Anonymous's picture

I can't stop laughing reading all this comments while I try to poop, my ass hurts for the second night. N the crazy thing us that u eat spicy food again. I don't understand this never happens to me before but again last time I have spicy food was like 6 months ago. My asshole is red I feel like I have blisters all over :( what can I do to stop the painfully and the redness.......... it also hurts when I walk, please help!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Squat, I am excited for you! I love habaneros so what's a few thousand extra Scoville units. Enjoy!!


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

My son just gave me a ghost pepper plant. 3 inches tall now. I can hardly wait! Granddad said that peppers reflect the grower's personality. An explanation of why his were so sweet.
Might not work on the ghost!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Put icy hott around your asshole before shitting. Anything after that is bound to feel better.

Plopsaland's picture

Once you've relaxed the last of it out, the burn at the end is liked a trophy

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear AC, Learn to use the shift key on your keyboard and your life will improve exponentially.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture

my ass burns, but i cant work, walk around, or even shit without pain, fuck my life

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points

Is there an inedible item that someone could use? Really, just the thought of curdled ice cream with a fudge swirl and (depending on the intensity) a puckered hole from the pickle just doesn't sound that appealing.
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

Anonymous Coward's picture

"Sploort!"

Anonymous Coward's picture

You've got a point Chief. Its just the mental image of a cross between a poopreport mindset and a Christmas Story moment - "You'll shit your eye out!"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Just think AC, If any ice cream were siphoned up the hole of the seeker of relief and then blasted out with a mighty "splort", anyone close by could theoretically be suffocated by this homogeneous mixture of fiery butt fudge and melted ice cream.

I must insist on the well chilled pickle as the anus soother of choice. Correct usage of the pickle technique demands extraction immediately after cool-down is achieved.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Cause of death: Shit pickle.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Ah Chief old friend, the passing of built-up fiery flatulence will make said vegetable poo-port plugger launch at potentially lethal speeds. How sad would that look on a death certificate?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Your poem's really out of touch,
Ben and Jerry's costs too much.
To soothe the pain for about a nickel,
go up your ass with a cool dill pickle.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Sit in the ice cream while you shit. Duh. Duuuuhhhh....

When it burns and hurts to shit
On cold ice cream you must sit.
In this frosty cold confection
You'll find relief from burning ejection.
When your ass is in the flames
Ben and Jerry are the names
You must recall to numb your pain,
Even though it looks insane.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Uggg! Just had to leave work bc my gut is on fire. Reading this site on the shitter. I didn't even have that much spice! I've had way more spice than that and not had these horrible consequences! Anyway, y'all are awesome! Thanks for making this horrible experience entertaining at least.

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points

Enjoying the ring of fire isn't the problem. You just don't want to fall down,down,down into it. If you do,fair warning:It will burn,burn,burn.
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

Spice Veteran's picture

Well, I just drink a lot of milk while eating really spicy stuff. Water doesn't help much, but it's better than nothing if milk isn't around.

If I forget and just chow down... Well, it burns. But you should just try to enjoy the ring of fire, as crazy as it sounds.

Cosmic Eliminator's picture

I think we have found the cure for buttfire here in these comments. Most people that find this particular page seem to be seeking a cure for this ailment while they are still experiencing it. That is my story, a bento restaurant with unlimited hot sauce. The burning ring of fire that once clouded my mind has been replaced my uproarious laughter, and the comforting notion that we all eat fire, we all release fire.

WolfCRY's picture

Someone please save me!! I have shit the first of many Acid Shits to come tonight, and man am i dreading the rest of the night.. Why hasnt a doctor came out with a fucking cure for this? Someone could make millions!

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Try eating a large amount of oat meal or some other hot cerial such as mapo or zoom as it tends to neurtralize the impact of spicy food.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Good question Squat ... The noble chili pepper is addictive and if Leifr Eiríksson (old Norse) had visited the southern climes rather than the cold northern parts of the new world who knows, perhaps the Swedes would be known today not only for their blond hair and blue eyes but also for their smoking assholes.

Come ona downa ta Tennessee, I fixa you da lingonberry marinara ona da pasta. No olive oil!, I usa da bear grease.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Chief... Are you saying that if Leif Ericson had taken the southern rout, (in the year 900) instead of landing in Nova Scotia... The cuisine of Sweden would be known for it's fire? Would the habenearo pepper be known as the Stockholm? Conversely... If Cristobel Columbus sailed the northern way... Would Italy be known for it's lingonberry jam?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

AC ... You are a wise person. Columbus took chilies back to Europe from the new world in 1493 and in less than 100 years they had spread to every known continent, the fastest dispersal of a food item in history. The general health of people who lived in protein deficient cultures that subsisted mainly on rice, think Southeast Asia, was improved tremendously by this vitamin packed powerhouse of nutrition. The people of these countries just can't eat without hot chilies.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture

For those folks who swear to never eat hot food again, here's some words of wisdom and encouragement: Peppers are good for you! They help your heart and your blood by breaking up some of those nasty platelets that plug you up. They increase your heart rate temporarily which helps it exercise, they open your pores, and I think (not sure on this but experience has told me) they help with headaches. I've heard they also help with stomach problems (makes your stomach produce more stomach coating

So if you're willing to put up with a morning of hellfire, for the sake of good health, then I say it's worth it! That and drink a nice glass of red wine with your hot peppers.

WingDingFireRing's picture

Thanks for all the tips!!! Will definitely try a few as I'm downing my next batch of triple atomic wings!!!

Also, someone suggested to me a diet of Tums and milk beforehand? Could that work as well?

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

The wisdom of MSG shines through again. 3 ways to go.
#1 The traditional way. Antacids and the like. Fighting fire with ice. Causing more acid production.
#2 Acid sequestration. Cholestiremine etc. Works well. A smart choice, but needing a prescription.
#3 The homeopathic route. Fight fire with fire. Likes curing likes. HCL tablets with pepsin. Cayenne tea. Apple cider vinegar. The look on people's faces when they are battling a ulcer using antacids, and a milk diet when you say "cayenne tea..." They think you are nuts. Yet, it works.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Dear How: Your own digestive system produces acid. If your bowel contents go through too quickly, the acid doesn't have time to digest, so it hurts going out. This happens whether you ate spicy food or not. You need to settle your system down so your food has time to digest.

How inconvienant..'s picture

Am I the only one who gets B.A.D. Without having ate spicy food. I hate spicy foods and never eat them yet my ass still feels like its on fire when I start in with the evil diareha...ugh...

Anonymous Coward's picture

I stumbled upon this whilst spending the work day on the pot with lava poo flowing freely from my bung. Yesterday I made chilie ramen and added copious amounts of cayenne, fresh chopped habanero and some hot sauce for good measure. Later in the evening I wolfed down some Hooters XXX wings which weren't as hot as I'd hoped and washed it all down with copious amounts of beer. Fiery beer shits are the best!

ASS-IN-SPACE's picture

My chili ring is extra spicy!!!!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Keep snow balls in the freezer.

Anonymous010101's picture

odd it has never happened to me before tonight and I eat all sorts of spicy food. Crazy horrible stuff.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

I suggest grabbing the can of air that you use on electonic devices to spray the cooling air on the impacted area. Be sure and change out the "straw" extension before using again.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Thanks Daphne ... PR has given me lots of practice and Bilge, praise his name, helped me out.

Thai-MEX ... I have had very few things in Tex-Mex restaurants that I would classify as REALLY HOT. Thai restaurants, on the other hand, serve hot food so hot that you should never ask for extra-hot unless you are comfortable eating molten lava.

I traveled to several countries in Southeast Asia while I was in the service and in my opinion the food of Laos is the hottest cuisine in the world. Playboy magazine answered the question of which country has the hottest food with a reply of Sri Lanka.

There are many countries with hot food but every meal in Laos contains some kind of fiery chili pepper or sauce. Even little kids eat these asshole scorching meals with seeming impunity. I have always wanted to watch one of the little bastards taking a dump the next day.


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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Thai-MEX restaurant last night's picture

i went to a thai mexican restaurant last night, i know what you are thinking, that is the worst combination for fire ass ever.

WELL IT IS.

my butthole feels like someones holding a lighter on it when im sitting down, and when i am standing it feels like some one probed me with a hot coal and is constantly dripping hot wax on the rim! so painful.

i had the EXTRA HOT RED CURRY BEAN BURRITO.
that was asking for it i know...
ow... ow... ow... ow... ow... ow......
i dont think i can go on... any longer.. ow...

theycallmewill's picture

so, today I had 2 jalapeño burgers, and 2 hours ago I lit a log on fire and floated it down the river. after waddling to my bedroom where I flopped face down on the bed for an hour as my exit recovered. then I spent an hour on this site reading the posts to the point I fell on the floor laughing... thanks for the uplift after my Mississippi burning.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I remember when you had trouble with linking to off-site addresses, Chief, and look at you go now!

They grow up so fast.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I used to return home from fall forays into the fields with my pants legs covered with the sticky seed pods of the beggarlice plant.
I would go into my chicken house and the hens would gather around and cluck with pleasure as they pecked them off and ate them.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Nothing is worse than a burr-ball. I used to get them stuck on my socks. I would go in the weeds where I didn't belong.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

My horse had a burr under his saddle once. He did not like it one bit!

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