Ask PoopReport: The Forest Of The Ass?

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m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Dear Poopreport,

OK, so I have excess hair in my ass crack and it causes a lot of itching and inappropriate ass grabbing. Is there anything you can use to remove this?

It's not like you can shave this area and I don't know if you can use Nair or something in what is still a sensitive area. Any help is MUCH appreciated.

189 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: The Forest Of The Ass?"

Anonymous's picture

I felt compelled to respond to mrssamdstone's comment about guys only liking how vaginas feel. I'm a guy and vaginas are one of the few things that I find beautiful. I think a lot of people (men and women) don't get over being conditioned to think that genitals are inherently dirty.

Anonymous's picture

I love my woman's ass hair. I love to comb it with my teeth.

Anonymous's picture

How the fuck did this last 9 years?

Anonymous Coward's picture

If you just have a little bit of dark excess ass hair, bleach and trim it. There is no maintenance required and it is less painful and less of a pain in the ass (literally) for you. Don't make bleach it too light or that'll look weird too. SHAVING IS BAD. It's totally not a solution. Stubble is painful, the red stubble bumps are painful for you AND your partner, and not at all sexy. I don't know which is less sexy, a hairy ass or a ass covered in red fucking welts from ingrown hairs. I honestly don't know.
There is also laser removal if you really really need it. There is also this handy dandy thing called an EPILATOR that basically painfully rips your hair out at the roots.
Better that than shaving. Shaving is bad, can't say it enough. The shaving I did made me hairier, and made my ass look like it was attacked by biting insects. I swear.

Russian Dik's picture

my bum is hairy. i am going to shave it using gilette fusion raizor. i cnt nt wait for it to be dead. the hairs i means. gone. i worry that my pooh will suffer. i like pooh. coalesce? what is the meaning of this words.?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I wonder ... moths eat wool, which is animal hair ... so ... why not just turn a flock of moths loose on a hairy crack for grazing off the bushage. I envision Doggin Thunderbutt Institute with a national chain of spas where you can lie in comfort on plush padded sofas while an attendant props your cheeks open and allows a ravenous swarm of hybrid insects access to your hirsute lower cleavage. We will be millionaires.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

SAnyog Chhetri 3 filey road reading berkshire :P's picture

all u need is ur bare hands!!! hold all ur crack hair in hand and RIPPPP!! rip em out like a mofo!! xD

to b hairy or not to b, that is the question's picture

This is the most hilarious site I have ever read. I was laughing so hard that I was almost sobbing with mirth. I guess the reason I found it so amusing is that I am so relieved to hear that other people suffer from HBCS (hairy butt crack syndrome). I perused a few sites on the same subject before I came across this one and came to the realisation that MOST females have a hairy butt crack. Thank goodness I am not a freak!! Believe me, the reason why most females worry about this is because we rarely talk about this sort of thing with each other- you know... girls don't fart, poop OR have hairy butt cracks!!
It’s a pity that people like Mobbin Throb still have this perception of females. He probably watches a lot of porn which portrays a very unrealistic image of women. And believe me, a lot of what men do to women in porn films is actually quite uncomfortable for real women (don’t forget, porn stars are paid to look like they love it- sorry to burst some of your bubbles guys, lol).
By the way, for those of you who have vibrating cheeks after defuzzing (and are embarrassed by it), you could try charcoal tablets (I know they reduce the smell but not sure about the force of the blow, lol).
Good luck all, I’m going to try the rubbing alcohol and Nair.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

AC....I am sure your lover is delighted with your soft and smooth bum hole. Next time you use Carson's be sure to douse your freshly depilated hole with a nicely scented aftershave, like "Eternity" for odor control.

Calvin Klein Thunderbutt


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I USE CARSON SHEEN HAIR REMOVAL CREAM ON AND AROUND MY BUM HOLE AND THERE IS NO PROBLEM IT COMES OFF LEAVING IT SOFT AND SMOOTH

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

It is odd how hair plagues each of us. Men fear losing it and women try to get rid of it !

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

The spellus corectomus nerve also seems to have been severed. j's comment also makes me wonder if Jews shave their asses differently from we gentel folk, could be how circumcision was discovered.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

j, be very careful with that method. The primus grammarous nerve runs through that area and you can possibly nick it, causing all sorts of problems.

I think you severed it.

j's picture

well dude, ill tell you what i do that works great. I usually spread my ass cheeks when im the shower. I use the soap I wash my body with. though you can also use shaving creeam but use the ones only for sensetive skin. then you use a good razor and shave as carefully and gentel as possible. i start from the top of my as crack and work my way down till ive reached near my pubes. thats always the hard paty. you might want to do this in a squating potion or sit down with your legs opened wide and do the under part like that. then after youre done wash the area off with soap again. then after youve drided up. try putting witch hazel (natural)inside your crack with a cotton ball (this helps prevnt it from itching and getting infected. Then you may want to buy Desitin(baby butt cream) and put it in there too. to prevent it from rashing and itching. after that you should be fine. do this everytime you shave you ass crack !

ass monkey's picture

To all of the hairy cracks first just get some bleach and and a Q tip, Then bleach the ass whole it gets rid of the years of shit stain and makes the hair almost transparent so the bleach is the way to go. PS do not mix with nair it could cause your ass whole to explod then you would never have to wory about ass hair agin well it would save you 2 grand if you where thinking of the lazer deal.ha ha:):)

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Glue a bunch of razor blades to a small table fan, spread ass cheeks, back up to fan....let me know how that works out for ya.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I'm losing my hair there!!!
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Anonymous Coward's picture

just get a smooth away....it might now work tho if u buttcrack hair is thick....u could use nair but be as careful as u can not to damage ur skin with the harsh chemical cuz u prolly already knwo it will burn and be irritated like a mofo for days

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

We had allowed you to comment on this site through generosity Funni Gurl, you are neither funny nor anything better than an apparent functional illiterate. Maybe a dozen or so more years of school will prepare you for the intellectual challenge of Poop Report.

Sorry Dodger, I deleted the comment you were replying to and all the other childish rants of the so called Funi Gurl.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Artful Dodger's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

I'd worry less about your hairy ass and concentrate more on grammar and spelling. But that's just me.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I once knew a girl whose ass looked like cousin Itt winking at you.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Butt hair can be attractive.

br>_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Relax, Krystal. That's not a butt hair dangling down. It's just a pull string of a Chatty Kathy.

Logjam

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I cannot believe there was actually a TV show about the Geico cavemen. What is this world coming to? Next, PD wil be named president (Carlisle for vampire prezzie!!!)
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

krystal M. thank you for giving us the date your husband will be reuniting with you. I will be sure my windows are shut tight and the stereo is turned up.

But seriously, unless it looks like one of the Geico cavemen is trying to emerge from your butt, don't worry about it.

krystal M.'s picture

Hey everybody!! I'm also a grl with ass hair but it's not all over my ass it's just inbetween my butt crack ther not horrible like a forest but there long enough to cut and I wanna get rid of them. I never had this problem untill I turned 18. I don't know why I have it, but I also got hair on my upper lip when i turned 18 I'm almost 19 now, but going through laser treatments for that. But thinking of someone else zapping my ass crack sounds a lil uncomfortable, OK, ALOT UNCOMFORTABLE!!!LOL. Me and my husband have been together scince I was 16 and I just don't know how to tell him that I got hair between my crack now and it's a lil worse than when I first noticed it.Well when my husband noticed it. We were jumping in the shower together and he was walking behind me and sayed, baby looks like you got a lil hair on ur butt And I had no idea what he was talking about but he didn't freak and I didn't think much of it and then I decide to go ahead and look and when I finally remembered about it,I looked and there was a lil hair between my ass, but it got worse and I never even did anything, it's not like I asked to have ass crack hair. so I guess A lil hair didn't bother him. But now he's in the Army & Has been gone for 3 months now and is coming home friday Dec 19,So I tried trimming it with my husbands mustache trimming scissors i got, but I couldn't get all the way in the back in my crack only by my brown eye will i have to keep trimming it I'm not even sure how it got there so I'm really confused!!! My husband told me I was crazy for being so depressed about my upper lip hair that nobody could see, but i was so depressed about that I would never even go outside I was so embarrased.So we came to the conclusion of laser removal, but now this .My husband has a hairy but crack cuz he showed me, LOL!!But there blonde cuz he's white so u can barely see it, but I'm Hispanic and I have very dark black hair.But I don't care I love him to death. I'm just hoping this doesn't bother him, and I'm scared about intimate times, that it won't be the same. I'm just the kinda girl that want's to do the best I can to keep myself attractive and sexy to my husband. I just don't know how to wear laundera{ if dats how u spell it!} for my man and act sexy if I don't feel sexy. Don't know wat solution but shaving it ain't for me I have black
thick hair, I learned that from shaving my legs.
Someone please help!!

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Wrong, PD, when life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and watch the world try to figure out how the hell you did it. Or, take up house painting.
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Lisa Shaw, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Or, in your case try taking up house painting.

Harry Badonky Donk's picture

I have so much hair in my crack it cannot be avoided. You can wipe all day long but imagine if you get shit on your hands. TP alone is not going to do the trick. So you throw some grabby little hairs in there to hold on to some of it and you go problems. I shave it regularly. It itches like hell at first but after the first time you can't even tell. But I don't shave it all. I just clear some away b/c if you shave it smooth, you will have some loud farts when the skin starts flapping.

Fallen angel's picture

Its ok to have some hair , maintain it , u can use hair removers , the same one u use for underarm , dont use erasers ,will start etching after some time ,

Lisa Shaw's picture

I am fat and have lots of hair in my ass, i shaved twice with a mach 3 but now my ass hair grows like a brush!!!!!!!!! help!!!

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

there is hair removal cream for that area
_______
I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

The Original Grasshopper

HAIRY GIRL's picture

just shave! unless u find a bf who finds it as a turn on...

Anonymous Coward's picture

How do you get rid of crack Stains...Id like a smooth pristeen butt and butt hole...Bleach?`

reeeoooowwww's picture

PLUCK IT.
takes a while...

Da Shit's picture

as a 17 year old middle eastern boy, i thought that i was the only one with massive amounts of hair in my ass crack. ill try all these methods and c which one is the best. i despise the feeling of too much hair in the ass and wish i was born as hairless as some white people

Anonymous Coward's picture

I have to say I love girls with ass hair, I just think it's sexy,I think girls should stop giving it too much thought, believe me if he likes/loves you he won;t mind it, I wish I could meet any of you girls, just to show you how much appreciated you can be, regardless of the hair thingy

Anonymous Coward's picture

If you have a ass pimples or backne the best thing to do is to start tanning. And it improves the complexion too.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

For now, it appears that CAREFUL shaving is your only hope. You might want to consider electrolosis.

I don't know all of the details of electrolosis, but I know that it is supposed to be a very effective form of hair removal.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

dominican jeff's picture

today i learned what a dingleberry is.. i googled it of course. anyway, surprised so many people suffer this tragic event of not wiping their ass properly... come on, you take tp.. wipe, and re wipe as many times necessary as well with a little dab of water from the faucet, and your fresh and VERY clean! common sense??

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

harry cheek: men have more hair than women (as a rule) because of testosterone, a hormone that promotes hair growth. Women bodybuilders who take testosterone and steroids to artificially promote muscle growth often experience increased hair growth over their bodies as well as cessation of their monthly cycles. In other words, they are chemically altering themselves to become more like men.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

harry cheek's picture

i have alot of hair in my ass, and no only in my crack but on my cheeks. I hate dingleberries!! razon trimming is best choice. I do have one quetion... how come girls are less hairy than us men? i mean there are a few girls with hair on their ass. anyone tell me Ihave more hair in my ass than in my chest

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Oh, it's probably me, Lousy. It's just not GGG if she's not getting herself into trouble...

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

Gotta ask, who's doing the inappropriate ass grabbing?

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

I knew you'd come through for me, Bilgey.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

12 corn rows, 12 beads each is the limit, GGG.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

I'm gonna regret asking this, I know, but here goes.

What's the cut off point of "too" hairy for a girl's ass crack?

Anonymous Coward's picture

Girls with hairy butt cracks (not too hairy) is a major turn on for me!!

Anonymous Coward's picture

haha i'm a girl too, but i just went crazy with a razor when i was like 10. so i got a hairy butt but (lol) its not crazy hairy. bleach it and soften it up. soft and invinsible is like... peach fuzz, back and soft is like REALLY good conditioner. Dont use baby oil( it has mineral oil) yeah it makes you hella soft but mineral oil drys out your natural oil so you got to REAPLLY all the time. Use vaseline petroulim(fuck who cares if i cant spell) jelly is the best. Aslo
LADIES: If you have hairy arms then a guy shave them wax them burn them bleach them WHATEVER if a chick gots inch long hairs on her arms i feel like i'm straight all over again. But really do it for yourself. chubaca lol just joking. I shave my arms, :) the dont grow back darker and its nice and smooth. just dont shave anything you can keep up with becuase i rather have hairy than stubble

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Different like what?

Like pinking shears?

For decorative edges?

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