Ask PoopReport: The Forest Of The Ass?

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m 1+ points - Newb
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Dear Poopreport,

OK, so I have excess hair in my ass crack and it causes a lot of itching and inappropriate ass grabbing. Is there anything you can use to remove this?

It's not like you can shave this area and I don't know if you can use Nair or something in what is still a sensitive area. Any help is MUCH appreciated.

189 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: The Forest Of The Ass?"

Nairbutt's picture
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You CAN use hair removers for the asscrack, but you should be careful not to get any inside your rectum. The result is a nice, smooth, squeeky clean feeling without comparison. Nevermind how I know.

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points
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I guess if you spread the ass cheeks wide enough, you could probably use a Mach 3 or the like...

Thunder From Down Under's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Well, I don't know if it will work, but here is what I would do if I were in your situation. Use Nair, and then use a good razor to shave what's left over (you might miss a few spots). I've used Nair (the 4-minute kind) on my arms and armpits before. It takes about 4 or 5 minutes on my arms and about 7 or 8 minutes on armpits, because the hair on my arms is softer and finer. I assume butt hair would be rough, so I'd suggest 7-10 minutes might do the trick. Be careful to keep it out of the genital area, and you'd be best off maybe laying on your stomach and keeping your legs spread while waiting, or whatever it takes to keep your buttcheeks from touching while it's on. If skin touches, it rubs it in a little, and Nair isn't meant to be rubbed in, just sort of slapped on, because it will irritate (this has happened to me in folding part of my arms or whatever you call it while moving). The butt area might be sensitive, but I don't think it would be too much worse than a mildly sunburned piece of skin if it did get irritated, and it would go away after a day or two. After it's been sitting on for the desired amount of time, get in a tub of water and splash it off. Good luck!

poop mcgee's picture
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easy. take a lighter up to your asscrack and burn all the excess hair off.

i did that once and accidentally farted. a flame shot out of my ass and lit the toilet paper on fire. then i ate the toilet paper. then when i shat it out, it smelled like toilet paper.

Trashcanman's picture
l 100+ points
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my best friend used to eat TP as a joke...

anyway, if you have someone you can count on, pour wax into the buttcrack. Put a sheet over it, and RRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!! yeah, its gotta hurt, but I'm sure it might work, be a man!

Dangleburger's picture
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http://www.bimmernut.com/wwwboard/e34/messages/33080.html

suggests shaving is a bad idea...

Jen's picture
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LMAO that was a hilarious story!!

A Dude's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Man DO NOT mess with your crack hair. It was put there to absorb the moisture and sweat from when your ass cheeks come into contact. I read a story online about a guy that shaved his ass smooth as ivory, but when he went out on his daily routine his crack got so sweaty that it felt like his ass was leaking. He went home and spread his cheeks and a shit and sweat smell hit him that he said was like rotting meat.

When the hair grew back it itched like a mofo and he was constantly inflamed back there.

The point of the story is leave the hair. When you bathe be sure to clean really well and you will be okay. If you want to shave this for some woman I say forget her. Find somone who will like you for who you are and not how hairy your crack is.

simon's picture
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Well done, dude. Obviously you didn't follow the link above which leads straight to a story exactly like the one you just described. But my motto is tolerance in the face of ignorance, so I'll leave well enough alone. I would suggest (and this is just off the top of my head) using conditioner to soften the butt hair which may stop it being as much of a nuisance.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper
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I don't know if I buy that... because some people don't have ass hair, and they get by just fine. It sounds to me like that guy experienced the kind of things that happen when you shave anything... back, chest, head. Of course you're gonna itch, and gonna sweat.

Nairbutt's picture
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Hey, I was serious before. It works. Smooth and clean as a whistle. OF COURSE it will feel a little different back there when you're done. But if you wanted it to feel the same, then why do it at all? Whatever you do, DON'T SHAVE IT! First of all, who wants to risk nicking the ol' pooper? And second, it will grow back faster and itchier and you'll risk those pesky ingrown hairs. Gotta admit that the waxing idea is hysterical though.

GUANO Rodriguezz's picture
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GO SUCK A DICK CHENEY!!

Mastercrapper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ points
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I think it might be prudent to re-examine the intent of the original question: is Harry trying to thin the fur for a woman or is he trying to minimize the incidence of dingleberries? I gotta think he's more worried about the dingle than the babes. Experience tells me: if you're willie nelson around the poop-chute and you can't get to a shower regularly, a few nastacious poops can form a ceramic-like crust of dreadlocks in the butthairs. I guess if you go long enough, it might coalesce into an impassible netting...and that would bad.

Spiff's picture
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I shaved my butt, and being a science geek, I did one cheek with a single-blade razor and the other with an electric shaver. (How's that for an experiment, huh? Think the New England Journal of Medicine will publish my results?)

If you can, go electric, Harry Ass. The parts I shaved with a steel razor (Bic disposable) had bumps and whelts the very next day that lasted for more than a week. I'd say this was due to my butt cheeks not being used to being scraped with a piece of sharp steel.

On the other hand (cheek), the electric razor side (and the crack) were O.K. And there's very little chance that you'll nick yourself with an electric shaver. I used a Braun shaver, the kind with an inverted "U" shaped head.

As I said, the electric shaver left me in great shape, which is not what I'll be in if my roomate finds out how I used his shaver!

Spiff

P.S. It feels much cleaner "down there" and my farts now cause my butt cheeks to vibrate and slap against each other. I guess another function of ass hair is to hold the cheeks apart and let passed gas escape with ease.

S's picture
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I used jalepeno juice to slow burn the hairs off. It took a while, but it lasted for months. I did catch some "stingers" over the next few days, though. Talk about a "Hot Carl"!!!!!

Tim's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I have a very hairy ass. I have tried many differnt methods of removing it.My Favorite is to have my boyfriend shave it with a diposable razor and when done spread lotion all over my clean shaven apple.Every now and then he will slip a finger in my poo parlor just for fun.

s's picture
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everytime I use a straigt razor, I get small cuts on my little bum. I have tried sitting in styptic powder and rock salt (kosher), but it stings my bottom.

I have also tried using an electric razor, but when I look between my legs, the cord wraps around my knobber, and sometimes around my hairy bean bag. The cordless models do not have enough bite if you know what I mean.

Finally, I tried Nair, but it got gummed up with the KY jelly and started to smoke.

Any ideas?

Tim's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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My problem is my penis is no bigger than the hairs that surround it.This makes shaving very hard.Ive cut off my small tool three times and had to have it reattached.Each time it gets a little more deformed.Now it has a slight crook in it and gets caught between my new boyfriends buckteeth......wow does that hurt when it snaps back!!!!!OUCH

Mastercrapper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ points
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I used my dad's electrick shaver to shave off my dingleberries and forgot to wash it.After he put on some after-shave, the crusted shit on the shaver became kinda runny and he ended up with a real shitty "tan " on his face...

Stever's picture
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My poo smells like mustard, even after I eat peanuts and corn!!! What gives? Does anyone know why sometimes my poo looks light yellow and sometimes dark green?

And, what about the back wash that splashes over my balls when the turd drops. I can't hardly dry it.

My sack is wrinkly.

gus's picture
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my name is gus

high  voltage rockers's picture
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My fat hair sweltering ass needs a good shave,my shit dreads are fuckin awesome though

Dr.  madness's picture
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I suggest you use depilatory cream hair remover with inhibitor will make the hairs come backs finer and if you use it for a period of time your ass hairs will be less noticeble. PS don't shave it's going to worsen the problem.

Tyler's picture
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i love poop send me poop

poop's picture
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poop is awsome

bob's picture
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weirdossss

bob's picture
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i raped my poop

Timmy's picture
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My asshair is so think it catches my shit like a net! What a mess to clean up!My life partner like to comb the dried dung from my locks though.He doesnt want me to shave it.His ass is clean as a babys.YUMM

Crack-Beard the Wise's picture
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I think the whole purpose of removing ones crack hair is for purely aesthetic reasons, and not to facilitate the hygenic passage of shit.

So, lets ANALyse the options (har...har...):

1) RAZOR: Very tricky. Keep a bottle of dettol, some bandaids, and a prescription for antibiotics nearby. Not recommended.

2) WAXING: Known as a back-sack-and-crack-wax. Very painful, but very effective. Can get really itchy though when regrowth starts a few weeks later.

3) CREAMS: Very effective. Not painful. Might require 2 applications, and might sting a bit if you have to scrub it off due to a forest of hair overgrowth. My preferred choice.

4) SCISSORS/ELECTRIC SHAVERS/ETC: You are a dirty little bastard aren't you. Hope you aren't planning on shaving on your face or cutting your nails or something later...

Finally, as for this stuff about stinky sweat post hair removal: everyone's crack sweats, some more than others. If this is a problem for you, apply powder (zinc oxide is the best) to your crack. For the majority whom this isn't a problem, enjoy your new smooth crack.

PS: Did you know farts are amplified with a smooth hair free crack!!! Be careful...

Mister Jimmy V's picture
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I have a hairy buttcrack. I just thought I'd share that with all you.

Any other NEW suggestions?

beans'n'salsa's picture
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anonymous coward I think you got something wrong there..removing ones crack hair is NOT for purely aesthetic reasons!!! Just think of all the wipes and all the time you safe after repelling a thick loaf or spreading fluids when you have the shits!!!

You see there also is a economical background.

Hey tmchugh255 jo are a dirty fucker, this is a forum for serious people with serious problems. Share your bedtime storys with your deformed sack. fuck off.

Rectal Itch Dude's picture
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You can definitely shave your crack. In the shower, crouch on your feet so that your crack spreads, apply shaving cream as needed, and shave with a Mach 3 or other such razor. If done well and regularly, it produces an aforementioned "squeaky clean" effect, and also feels great (especially the first time you do it).

Trevor's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you people....?!!! To shave or not to shave? Come on it's a personal choice, who cares!

not telling's picture
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hey well for all you hairy butts out there how can you have a hairy but i mean really is this like some kind of ji\oke or something i mean if you have a hairy butt then maybe yuo should ask your doctor cause it might be a health problem! really consult your doctor

HairBear's picture
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I tried Nair, then razor on my back. Left hundreds of welt bumps. Very, very bad. Electric groomer shaver worked wonders.

I think ass hair increases friction and sweat buildup, myself. Hiking around for extended periods in the summer- ass rash is not a pretty thing. Starts right where the hair is longest.

I learned shaving close was bad news due to stubble. That hurt, I didn't want to walk for a week. The key is using the groomer with the attachment so it's still like 1/4". So trimmed comfortably short, but not shaved.

gay boy davo's picture
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i shaved my ass for the first time cause me and my boyfriend decided to have sex for the first time. baad idea cause it left my boyfriends penis feeling like sand paper he said my ass felt like rubbing his cock against a cactus!!.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Try farting on a match.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Now that my dyslexia has gone away again I can remember the word I was trying to use and explain the method.
Fart on a match. The backdraft will burn away your ass forest and you'll be free. Of course, you'll have a hell of a red ass but at least it'll be hairless again.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Brown Ass's picture
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I have learned much from the many commentators. Some of my own experiences have been traumatic, but I feel that they were worth the effort. I did feel that issues such as traction become apparent when you lose ass hair. Does someone have a solution to this problem? I mean, the natural solution of hair on your ass is successful, but obviously loses on aesthetic grounds. Has anyone tried replacing the hair with something, perhaps some sort of rubber gum, like the sole of my shoe? Does shit come off rubber gum easily? I've stepped in dog shit a few times, and it took a few wipes to clean. How much would an ass covered with rubber gum cost, in America?

Ass master flex's picture
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For those unsightly, irritating bumps, My girl friend turned me on to witch hazel. (Not knowing what I was shaving) Although a little cold at first there is no burning or ill effect and this works for the twig berries and taint as well,

Stever's picture
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AM I the only person who, after shaving his balls for the "clean" look, kept right on shaving thru the taint and up to my shoulder blades?

Now, wiping is a snap, and if I remove the blades from the electric razor, turning it on and resting it against by bum turns me on too!!!!

BUT REMOVE THE BALDES 1st!!!!

No more warm washcloth for me or squatting over the kitchen sink with the hand sprayer for the nasty buggers!!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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My sister just told me that her husband's ass is like a thick forest. I guess Italian guys have a lot of hair.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

adler's picture
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ok so you guys have listed a lot of ways to get rid of ass hair, but my problem is how do i reach my ass to shave if i dont want anyone else to know? any solutions??????

guru's picture
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plz help me about how to shave my ass hairs

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Try sticking some duct tape in your crack and pulling. It'll work fast and no one else will see it.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Jake's picture
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the solution is very easy. i asked a doctor about this during a physicals. all you have to do is mix rubbing alcohol together with NAIR and use cotton balls. pat it on the hair you want to remove and it falls off in seconds. the doc said it was pretty healthy to do so dont get scared of chemical reactions or side-effects. just a tip from the people who really know

Stever's picture
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Is there a relationship between the odor of my pre-dump farts, the dump itself, and the post-dump venting?

I find the pre-D toots have a shrp, almost tangy whiff, with nominal hang time (honestly, sometimes after the pre-D bloops I am running so ass fast to the toilet I cannot savor the "stench-cloud").

The actual dump itself is generally reflective of my manly Atkins meat only diet supplemented by my penchant for nibbling on Strawberry Twizzlers. In fact, unless a log is exposed to the air, sometimes there is a lack of smell, and I am not sure I did anything except wet my cheeks from the splash (unless it is a "slider").

The POst-D venting is where things get interesting...first there is the potential for the "burn", which occurs from my cheapness and the one-ply. Next, however, is the moist balloon of fecal spray which shadows me like groupies following Kiss.

Any similar experiences?

holy crap's picture
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oh my god

Nessa's picture
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hello... this may be weird but i am also asking the same question about ass hair.. but i'm a girl. Yes i know its really gross but i don't know what to do.. its not like i asked for ass hair.. but if you guys have any solutions i would be soo ahppy.

Rae's picture
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I'm also a girl and i have a hairy butt as well! I don't understand how it got there, it must be genetics or something but, I really find it un-appealing. I'm pretty sure that i'm going to try NAIR or that NAIR and Rubbing Alcohol thing, but to be serious, i'm scared to. I tried Shaving and that was very painful afterwards... red bumps galor, so if someone who really knows what their doing can help me, that would be GREAT!

Wowza's picture
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holy shit......this forum is insane.... 8(

Jeremy's picture
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It will hurt but do what female porn stars do. Get it professionally waxed or learn how to do it yourself.

Rudy's picture
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Shave it for many yrs now...the cock balls and ass and never any problem occured.
In a bad with a razorblade every other day,my 15 minutes routine.

Anal Jim's picture
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try squatting over a mirror on the floor with a bright light shining on it, so it reflects and illuminates your browneye...takes a little bit of practice but makes it a snap to do anything that needs doin' down there.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I hate it when I get period pieces stuck in my ass hair.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

pimple ass constance's picture
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I take great care of my ass and I'm a very clean girl. I still get ass acne though. I don't know if it's ingrown hairs or what! Help!

Steve's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I have the same problem with ass hair..even nair irritated me :(

assjockey's picture
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u people make me extremely sick...you should all eat ur own shit, then shit that out and eat it, then get kicked in the face and die!!!!!! :) have a nice day, bitches

sir goes a lot's picture
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y was this site made, what's wrong with you eleven year old bastards, kill urself, then do some jumping jacks then walk of a fucking cliff whorebags

ass muncher's picture
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when i shit it smells like frozen yogurt and corn .......word bitch,f flush@!!!!

poopy G's picture
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i hate you all, you die now!

ugh's picture
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im a girl and i have ass hair too i dont kno how to get rid of it and im sure its not attractive.

nobo's picture
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i use a flamethrower and singe my hairs off its great cos they get burnt then they just wipe off

just lick my poo for a change.'s picture
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well girls. i must say i have an answer. BUT its no different acutally, i have also had thick fucked up discusting ass, hair, and i HATED IT. and i dont know how it got there either. once upon a time, i shaved my ass. and it hurt.. the next 2 days i couldnt sit on it at all. the red marks, hurt like someone's put tree bark in my pants. got pissed off, so weeks later i bought a good mirror, a few "waxeese" to wax the mother fuckers off. was painfull, and then it grew red marks afterwards 4 weeks later and it hurt. then i realised ill do it again, i did but this time i moisturised my whole body. my ass, legs whatever. Use "Johnsons Hair Minimising Lotion". it fucking worked wonders. Its a lot smaller now, but get used to it... im going Laser soon so no more fucking around with ass hair.

yep, girls do get ass hairs, and im a very hairless female, i barely have to shave my legs ever. but the ass hair was almost like as if it had a brain and wouldnt stop but grow.
my ancestors were persian, but im italian, and i guess it can happen to anyone. dont be ashamed of it. if u hate it, get rid of it. i know i did.

shit on your stickl's picture
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i dont know where my poo went, i shat in the toilet, and flushed it and now i must wander

mrssamdstone's picture
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yes, it's tough being a girl. Let's face it, vaginas are not pretty stuff, much less a hairy asshole to go with it. Guys just like the way it feels, not looks.It's like an open wound....

freakazoid's picture
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Poster who posted by a million different names on December 21st. Let me guess... Your hateful, murderous ass is Christian, right?

oompaloompa's picture
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is it safe to shave your ass? please respond

Wes's picture
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Your information about shaving your ass is very helpful and I want to try the Braun razor. Can anyone suggest a good Braun model to use for this purpose?

poop visitor 83's picture
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This was the most entertaining thing Ive read all week...yes my life is pathetic. It was informative and entertaining..kudos to you all and here's to a new hairless ass (cuz they(hairy ones) are icky)