Ask PoopReport: Wiping With Long Nails

// // 69 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Dear PoopReport,

Several of my co-workers and I have been pondering a question for some time now, but still have not reached an answer. So I've decided to consult the panel of experts here at PoopReport.

We have a co-worker (for lack of a better term) who is obsessed with her overly long fake fingernails. I would guess her nails are easily two or three inches in length. So our obvious question: how the heck does someone with nails like that wipe her ass? We tend to envision her ass crack looking as if a pissed off mountian lion was released in her pants.

We're hoping you, the experts, can "nail" this down for us!

69 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Wiping With Long Nails"

Anonymous's picture

bidets: i wouldn't have it any other way.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

look how teeny my name is. aww aborable! ok now back to bidnez. What about those people with the world's longest nails how the hell do they wipe??? I have fairly long natural nails, until they get caught on something and ripped off, and I never have any problems wiping. I try to angle the nail away from my butt and yes I have scraped my ass on accident before. Don't worry about the poop under the nails though. I didn't see any under there but that didn't stop me from scrubing my hands and nails for 15 minutes with scalding hot water and half a bar of soap.You know it's clean when your nails start to fall off and your skin is bleeding and raw.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

shitforbrains's picture

hmmm, must think about creating product for women with long nails and how to wipe the starfish clean without injuring themselves.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

I once thought about getting long fake fingernails, but a couple of things stopped me:
1) I would have trouble wiping my freckle.
2) I would have to get all the other girly shit that goes with them.
3) I'm not gay.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

hmmm...this newcomer is good...You will fit in very well, Kimchee!
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

luvkimchee's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Stephen Hawking doesn't wipe. His matter creates a new universe.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Ha....ha....Bilge.....it's......easy......you....just
.....slide.....down.....the....wheelchair.......until.......Uranus
.....is.....dragging.....on......the .....rug......and .....try....not
.....to......let......anything......fall......
into......the......black .....hole.....................dumbass.

Stephen Hawking

Crapola's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

I have a short version of the fake nails, because after my hospital stay (see the Secura Personal Cleanser story on the Home Page) my nails and hair stopped growing. It's from the sedation I endured. But I poop without getting any under my nails or on my hands while wiping. Always use Cottonelle wet wipes after the TP for a comfy clean rump and wash hands well too.


_______
Piece Out!
Crapola

Piece Out!
Crapola

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Thats nothing....just imagine how Stephen Hawking gets the job done.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

luvkimchee's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Wiping must be a real problem for Edward Scissorhands... or Wolferine.

long nails 4 life's picture

my nails are real and two inches long i use them to control my husband and give him orders and if ie doesnt do what i say i claw him and dig my nails in till he bleeds plus with my two inch nails i get heaps of toiletpaper use my thumb huffy and middle finger two grip the paper they usually pierce through a little cause they are claws but i still manage

Hot Gym Babe's picture

Frickin' hilarious, all of you!
I will never look at people with fake nails the same way again, and if any waitress serving me somewhere has them, I will switch tables quick!
Disgusting!

And when you wipe your ass, you have to REALLY wipe your ass. One or two swipes do NOT get the job done! Takes anywhere from 4 to 6 vigorous, digging in there wipes to clean your ass properly after committing a #2!
Remember that!

Wipe 1, then fold tissue, wipe 2, fold, then use the edge for wipe 3. Second wad of TP for any following wipes!
Chicks with fake nails are NOT doing this complete job! Trust that!
...and neither are some of you with regular nails, ha ha. Just look in your undies. You'll see the evidence of that! ;)

Anonymous Coward's picture

This is ridiculous. Women (and men) with long nails learn to use the tips (meaty portion) of their fingers to type and wipe. No fuss, no muss. Really, much more sanitary than the short nailed folks, who tend to use the end of their fingers and get all sorts of nasty things under the nails.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points


I have always wondered how the girl in En Vogue with the really curly fingernails took care of the issue._______
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Like you TSV, I have a habbit of biting my nails down to the nubs.

Some girls do have such ridiculously long nails, that they look like they are Freddy Kreuger's wife.

It would be fascinating to see the wiping habits of these individuals.
_______
Watch out for the deadly F4, though he's been gone since '53, he will be back.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Strange One-2's picture

I do not keep long nails, but my left thumb is twisted in such a way (I'm left handed) that often the motion of my hand while wiping leaves my nail wide open for "undernail souvenirs" - especially if I forget to wipe my bottom hair first.
This pisses me off to no end. Sooner or later I'm going to make an electrolysis appointment for myself and have all of the hair lasered off so I don't have to deal with it anymore!!!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

That's just freaky. There is NO WAY she can POSSIBLY get her hand near her butt! She must HAVE to use a bidet attachment or handheld showerhead, and even that seems like it would be difficult. I think it's kind of creepy.

my shoe has a built-in poop magnet's picture

Check out this woman's nails. My first thought when I saw her on TV was: "How in the heck does she wipe herself???" So I googled "longest fingernails wipe butt", and it brought me to this site. :o)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Now that I have strong nails and could have them long, I have to clip them every week so I can jam on the computer. If they are even past the end of my fingertips, it's almost impossible to type fast enough to keep up with my brain.

Mine are boxed and clean, but short.

When they were longer back in the day, I don't ever remember having poop under them.

And I, too, GGG, have poked myself in the eye attempting to take out my contacts.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Hey, good topic! I wondered about acrylic nails and wiping for years. I had some put on for a Christmas party one year, and really liked them. They made me look better dressed, even when wearing just jeans and t-shirt. Mine were just standard length, though, not those freakish, curved talons.

It was difficult to get used to them, but since mine were not ridiculously long, I used the thumbnail and 1st-3rd fingers to make a pinscer for a wad of t.p. I made it big enough that it would slide across without the tips of my nails touching butt. It worked well.

I had the nails until I had my daughter, and then I didn't have time for a few years. I then replaced my eyeglasses with contacts, and later decided to have nails put on again. It was fine until the end of the day, when I went to take out my contacts. I was accustomed to using the tips of my fingers to pluck the contacts out of my eyes. I COULDN'T PLUCK! I couldn't get my knuckle into my eye, and the "rolling out" technique they teach you at the eye doctor did NOT work!

I ended up in sobbing tears, unable to get the contacts out of my eyes. Eventually, I did get them out, but it never got any easier. So I chose contacts over the nails. Ah, well.

I have watched women with the dragon-nails, and they do everything with the side of their fingers. Maybe they wipe that way, too.

_______
Mmmm...Fiber: Nature's Broom!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Nails, this is a poop website. If you are going to post here, then expect every topic to come up, including how one wipes with long nails. I'm sure it wasn't a personal attack, because we have no idea who you are.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Long Nails sans Crap's picture

Have long nails and never get poop under them, please!!!!!! Haven't you people ever heard of baby wipes??? Use lots of TP (if we can afford nails we can afford plety of tp, no?) Then clean up after with baby wipes. I'm willing to bet any of you that my nails are cleaner than yours. If you have long nails they have to be cleaner than short nails or you're going to have problems. I don't ask about how you wipe your ass, why are you worried about how I wipe mine?

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

PZ, you're almost the first poster on this thread to confess to having long nails. I guess that may be in part because most folks with such nails must find it difficult to type.

Poo Zombie's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I have long nails filed into sharp points. They are fake, so the sides are think and blunt but man the tips are sharp. For the first few days after you get fake nails you feel handicapped and do everything carefully, but within a week you get used to it. I had to be careful at first so I didn't poke or scratch myself which may have also been instrumental in learning to wipe without souvenirs.

3flusher's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

3flusher This question was the first that entered my mind when a waitress in an Italian resturant had some suspicious matter under her nails. That was a real appetite killer!
I asked several people I know how these longnailers could wipe their ass. Nobody offered an explaination.
I think my question was answered when I noticed a couple at the Michigan State Fair a couple years ago. The woman had really long nails, and after looking at her husband, I decided he did it for her!

3flusher

malenails666's picture

I have been growing my nails out about 1/3 inch past the tip for over 10 years. Never have a problem wiping with paper folded half/half/half and don't break through. It just takes practice; never was a problem, even in the early days. Before that, I was a nailbiter.

The Rim Reeper's picture

I for one have long nails & constantly suffer from anal poopage under my nails, it's a bit of a bitch cz after a while i 4get its there n i get a clinker or 2 stuck between my 2 front teeth!! Cotton buds & a vast amount of bleach normally gets the job done....

Chris Taylor's picture

Well this is a "weird" topic. I get my nails done (yeah im a bit weird) and upto an inch or so past the end of your finger (longest I have ever had them) its no problem at all and I have never gotten fecal matter on my nails (that would be reallly disgusting)

Some of the people I see with the physco nails I have no idea how they wipe and even FUNCTION on a daily basis. Maybe I will get a set of crazy long ones for a few days and "see what happens" :-)

Chris Taylor
http://www.nerys.com/

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

That's disgusting. I've never figured out the attraction to fake long nails. When I was a child I never cut my nails and they got fairly long. That episode in my life left me with a permanent scar on my temple that shows to this day. And it probably had poop in it, too.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

I really doubt every woman with acrylic nails takes the time to scrub under each one to make sure they got all the crap (fecal and otherwise) out of them.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I'm sure they get shit on them... But that's what soap and water are for!!

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

I don't care who you are or how much you've gotten "used to" wearing long, acrylic nails. If you have them, you get shit on them regularly. Not just poop, but dirt and crap of the street, office, animals... *shudders*
Acrylic nails are nasty, disease spreading bits of plastic.

Miss Clean Asshole!'s picture

I absolutely love acrylic nails, i apply em myself and have been doing so since i was about 11. i guess its all about getting used to it, of course, u can thvae them too long, but ive realized its better to hold the wad of tp with in the palm of ur hand with just ur thunb securing it in place, then wipe... voila! no manure manicure! it also helps that ima hygienne freak so i wash with water even after using tp, and of course, utilize my fingertips and not my nails... just a suggestion... water is always cleaner! esp for them men who get skid marks.... i live ina ocuntry where it is quite normal to have a bidet in each bathroom, so got used to it. Now, when i travel to see my family in another country, i just fetch a pail of water, its gotten to be a habit. Men an dtheir skids...ewwwwwwwwww! i once saw my mates underwear and he had skids in em,,, i left him, after about 3 days of realizing i cud never get turned on by him ever again... bidets r the bomb!

Big Shit's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I have wondered how they wipe their ass myself, and it does make since that they would get their nails full of shit. Thats it, I am never going to sleep with a woman with long fingernails again cause if it gets nasty after wiping their ass than some of that nastiness has to be transferred when they wipe their snapper.

dixie's picture

I hate those damn fake fingernails,tried them once and they just fell off into the toilet.Of course when I tried them it was 25 years ago and the glue didn't work well.Anyway, I had an old lady tell me a funny story about having Carpal tunnel surgery. Seems she didn't want to screw around having two surgeries,so she had the doctor operate on both her hands at once. She didn't realize her mistake until she went to the bathroom and tried to wipe her ass.She said that she sat there and laughed for over an hour waiting for her husband to get home from the pharmacy with her painkillers.He had to end up wiping her ass until her hands healed up!She said they laughed like idiots every time.I think she was blessed with a great sense of humor and a GREAT husband. My husband is the kind of man who would do that for me if I needed him too.He better cause I had to wipe his ass for almost 6 months after a bad motorcycle accident.

???'s picture

lol this is all funny cant belive this site is on the web! just goes to show what you can find if you look for it. lol

Grin's picture

the shit volcano is funny haha

Magula's picture

Lol. Love the joke - and that's no joke! Hehe. But yeah, perhaps she uses an excessive amount of toilet paper and kind of make a toilet paper mitten for your hand and then shove it up your bottom and swish it around and clean it all out. That would be expensive - to use that much toilet paper - she should just hack those babies down.

Forever a poop lover,
Magula!

poop girl's picture

ok now i know this from firsthand experience. when i was like 16 i was curious about getting those raunchy fake, long nails. i got them not even thinking about the ass wiping repurcussions. the next morning i had to take my routine crap---got my tp out and was ready to wipe my ass...lifted my ass and (OUCH!) pressed up to wipe my crack and the long nails got a nice big filling of poo in them. there was no way i had clean wipage so i had to take a shower after my poo to ensure cleanliness. after my shower i removed the artificial nails from my natural nails (another ouch) and ever since have steered clear of those things. now, whenever i see a chicky with fake nails i cannot help but thinking of how germy she must be.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I was kidding around, Tronald. I didn't take offense.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Tronald Dump's picture

1)that comment was made when i first stumbled across this site. Can you tell i was intoxicted? Apologies for incoherance.
2)is the "boyfriend" comment inteded to equate homosexuality with poor sense of humor? if so, that's okay with me but you might consider being careful making comments like that in public. 10% of the population might be inclined to take offense.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

That's okay, tronald. I'm sure your boyfriend thought it was funny.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

tronald dump's picture

volcano, you've got it all wrong babe. firstly the dog may eaat his own dookie but only if he is a very selfish person. second, how the hell can you make the dog wake up if he's sleeping especially if you are an unclean bumhole with crap inside?! Three, there's such a thing as ASPCA and even if they're unmarried ugly ladies they will still have you arrested and then you shit in the tin toilet in your bedroom that you share with a big fat guy who also is shitting and you can't even HAVE long nails anymore. p s don't feel bad if i made you look unintelligent.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Here's an idea. Don't wipe at all. Get the dog to lick your crack clean.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

shoppinggirl's picture

Never get fake fingernails.I have had them and they are a fucking pain!To all those girls out there with'em,you can not say there isn;t shit under them.

Chris Rockwell's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Doh! Web page is www.apeboymonkeygirl.com

Chris Rockwell's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Hello,
I have a podcast called The Daily Download where I talk about stuff while I take a dump. After reading this discussion I decided to do a little experiment. So I ran out and bought a box of fake nails and gave it a try. You can hear the whole report on the web page,, but I can tell you women with long finger nails must have unclean asses.

General Colon Pow!'s picture

Hey! SirFartsAlot is MY name on Vegweb.com!

punkoffgirl's picture

Interesting subject, to which I've got a side note/story. I keep my nails fairly short, as I work in a field requiring I give suppositories on a rather regular basis, and find the thought of someone with extremely long fingernails (real or fake) giving suppositories much, much more disturbing. OW MY SPLEEN!

The Dahli Lama's picture

Pooper trooper, long nails also look good on coke heads. Poop-o-matic, why are Coast Guard weiners like you so useless. Larfus and sitting wiper, your wisdom is intriguing. All, if you go back and re-read the responses to the last article regarding methods to avoid contact between your dick and the toilet bowl, you'll stumble upon an interesting converstaion between Anthony Massey, Bonzai Boner, AssBlaster 2000 and a host of responders. Take a look, the trail of retorts is neat.

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