Ask PoopReport: Wiping With Long Nails

m 1+ points - Newb

Dear PoopReport,

Several of my co-workers and I have been pondering a question for some time now, but still have not reached an answer. So I've decided to consult the panel of experts here at PoopReport.

We have a co-worker (for lack of a better term) who is obsessed with her overly long fake fingernails. I would guess her nails are easily two or three inches in length. So our obvious question: how the heck does someone with nails like that wipe her ass? We tend to envision her ass crack looking as if a pissed off mountian lion was released in her pants.

We're hoping you, the experts, can "nail" this down for us!

69 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Wiping With Long Nails"

Perry Stalsis's picture

I can see the nails being used to squeegee the o-ring, kind of like cleaning a window or using a spatula to get that last bit of chocolate icing out of the bowl. Then the NAILS are wiped by the paper.

scooby poo's picture

better question is , do her nails break through the TP and does she get shit caught underneath her nails...i've often pondered about this same exact dilema

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points

I've also wondered this myself. I'm a female, but my nails have never been longer than a few millimeters past the tip of my finger. I've asked people how they can do anything at all with fake nails, and they say it doesn't bother them. I guess it's just a thing you get used to. I imagine that if a klutz like me got fake nails, though, there would be some TP puncture and accidental under-nail poop scoopage. That's one of the many reasons why I've never gotten fake nails.

thepoopman's picture

i have relatively short nails, but sometimes by accident i get poop on my hands. This leads me to beleive that long nails + wiping = dis ass ter

PooperTrooper's picture

Being a guy, longer than 1/8" on a man looks nasty (unless you play guitar, and grow out one "picker"). On women, I think longer than about 1/4" starts looking ridiculous. What do you think you are, a freaking cat? I think long nails look trashy, and just thinking about bung scrapes or leftovers underneath the nails makes me shudder...ewh!

poop-o-matic's picture

Maybe she wipes the Coast Guard way?:
1. Take a single square of t-paper and fold it twice.
2. Gently rip out a semi-circle from the folded square from the folded corners (Do not discard this piece!!!)
3. Unfold square (you'll have created a hole for your finger to be inserted)
4. Place paper with hole over finger (like a Bib)
5. Wipe
6. Roll paper up and over finger applying pressure to remove fecal matter.
7. Discard
8. Now take the little cut out piece from earlier and clean under the finger nail.
9. Flush!

Baron von Pooptoven's picture

It does bring up some questions... such as:

1) Do those ladies ever accidentally scratch a nail across their anus?
2) Do they hold the wad of pooper-paper by utilizing their talons, or do they somehow angle the ends of their fingers out to aviod getting poop under their nails?
3) If they do get buttmud under their nails, do they even notice?

And also, remind me to never shake hands with a Coast Guardsman.

Scooby Poo's picture

isn't that also known as the "ranger wipe"?

Dewey Fixerup's picture

I prefer 6 penny finishing nails to the 16 penny construction or deck nails. Man those big nails can hurt when wiping.

somechicknamedjen's picture

i have had french acrylics, and if you were to get shit under them it would take forever to get it out, my nails got mustard under them, oy, it was bad.

Perry Stalsis's picture

The post about the Coast Guard technique got me thinking...
1) Is that for real, or is that a comment about how tight the Guard's budget is?
2) Are there other Force-specific methods? (Hard-assed Marines probably have a great one).
3) How about other professions? I think Dewey clued us in on the carpenter's method.

larfus's picture

hmmm theres a guy from india at the store down below my house and he has long finger nails. I always wondered why a fly would be perched on his index finger from time to time. this post basically answers that for me. for now on only the correct change will be handed to him.

X-kermit's picture

i will not go to 7-11 the same again. i have noticed the fly thing b4 too. ewww!
thanks for the visual larfus

Sitting Wiper's picture

A lesson I remember from a biology teacher when I was a 14 year old boy - toilet germs are quickly spread by finger nails. Keep them short and scrub them with a nail brush.

Baron von Pooptoven's picture

I worked at a retirement home after the Radio Shat gig for about 5 months, and you absolutely had to know how to wash your hands properly. Here is what they told us:

1) Turn the water on and get your hands wet
2) Get a dime to quarter size pool of hand soap on your hands
3) Lather thoroughly, especially the spaces between your fingers, for at least 20 seconds
4) Take first your left, then your right hand and scratch your palms lightly, to eliminate bacteria under your fingernails
5) Rinse from the wrists down, and after your hands are clear of all soap, DO NOT TURN THE WATER OFF
6) Get paper towels and dry your hands, and use the towels to prevent touching the faucet and door handles
7) Dispose of the used paper towels

Be clean, people! Long nails are an invitation for getting sick.

The Amazing Anus's picture

Simple, women who have long fingernails, are mutants who have high pressure water spritzers located in small pours in various locatiions in the crak. So all they have to do is, turn 'em on and let there ass enjoy the shower

Pooper's picture

This is just another reason why bidets are superior to toilet paper.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

This issue is exactly why I bite my nails down to nubs.

And now for a lame poem:

There was an old man named Ennis
Whose mouth was shaped just like an anus

He opened it wide
A dick went inside

The gooey result was just heinous.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poopedem's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I can say, from personal experience, I've had acrylic nails several times and it was nearly impossible to wipe my ass for the first few days. I avoided anything that would make me shit from fear of giving myself a manure manicure. You get used to them and don't scratch your anus. At least I haven't. hehhe

The Dahli Lama's picture

Pooper trooper, long nails also look good on coke heads. Poop-o-matic, why are Coast Guard weiners like you so useless. Larfus and sitting wiper, your wisdom is intriguing. All, if you go back and re-read the responses to the last article regarding methods to avoid contact between your dick and the toilet bowl, you'll stumble upon an interesting converstaion between Anthony Massey, Bonzai Boner, AssBlaster 2000 and a host of responders. Take a look, the trail of retorts is neat.

punkoffgirl's picture

Interesting subject, to which I've got a side note/story. I keep my nails fairly short, as I work in a field requiring I give suppositories on a rather regular basis, and find the thought of someone with extremely long fingernails (real or fake) giving suppositories much, much more disturbing. OW MY SPLEEN!

General Colon Pow!'s picture

Hey! SirFartsAlot is MY name on!

Chris Rockwell's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I have a podcast called The Daily Download where I talk about stuff while I take a dump. After reading this discussion I decided to do a little experiment. So I ran out and bought a box of fake nails and gave it a try. You can hear the whole report on the web page,, but I can tell you women with long finger nails must have unclean asses.

Chris Rockwell's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Doh! Web page is

shoppinggirl's picture

Never get fake fingernails.I have had them and they are a fucking pain!To all those girls out there with'em,you can not say there isn;t shit under them.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Here's an idea. Don't wipe at all. Get the dog to lick your crack clean.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

tronald dump's picture

volcano, you've got it all wrong babe. firstly the dog may eaat his own dookie but only if he is a very selfish person. second, how the hell can you make the dog wake up if he's sleeping especially if you are an unclean bumhole with crap inside?! Three, there's such a thing as ASPCA and even if they're unmarried ugly ladies they will still have you arrested and then you shit in the tin toilet in your bedroom that you share with a big fat guy who also is shitting and you can't even HAVE long nails anymore. p s don't feel bad if i made you look unintelligent.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

That's okay, tronald. I'm sure your boyfriend thought it was funny.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Tronald Dump's picture

1)that comment was made when i first stumbled across this site. Can you tell i was intoxicted? Apologies for incoherance.
2)is the "boyfriend" comment inteded to equate homosexuality with poor sense of humor? if so, that's okay with me but you might consider being careful making comments like that in public. 10% of the population might be inclined to take offense.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I was kidding around, Tronald. I didn't take offense.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

poop girl's picture

ok now i know this from firsthand experience. when i was like 16 i was curious about getting those raunchy fake, long nails. i got them not even thinking about the ass wiping repurcussions. the next morning i had to take my routine crap---got my tp out and was ready to wipe my ass...lifted my ass and (OUCH!) pressed up to wipe my crack and the long nails got a nice big filling of poo in them. there was no way i had clean wipage so i had to take a shower after my poo to ensure cleanliness. after my shower i removed the artificial nails from my natural nails (another ouch) and ever since have steered clear of those things. now, whenever i see a chicky with fake nails i cannot help but thinking of how germy she must be.

Magula's picture

Lol. Love the joke - and that's no joke! Hehe. But yeah, perhaps she uses an excessive amount of toilet paper and kind of make a toilet paper mitten for your hand and then shove it up your bottom and swish it around and clean it all out. That would be expensive - to use that much toilet paper - she should just hack those babies down.

Forever a poop lover,

Grin's picture

the shit volcano is funny haha

???'s picture

lol this is all funny cant belive this site is on the web! just goes to show what you can find if you look for it. lol

dixie's picture

I hate those damn fake fingernails,tried them once and they just fell off into the toilet.Of course when I tried them it was 25 years ago and the glue didn't work well.Anyway, I had an old lady tell me a funny story about having Carpal tunnel surgery. Seems she didn't want to screw around having two surgeries,so she had the doctor operate on both her hands at once. She didn't realize her mistake until she went to the bathroom and tried to wipe her ass.She said that she sat there and laughed for over an hour waiting for her husband to get home from the pharmacy with her painkillers.He had to end up wiping her ass until her hands healed up!She said they laughed like idiots every time.I think she was blessed with a great sense of humor and a GREAT husband. My husband is the kind of man who would do that for me if I needed him too.He better cause I had to wipe his ass for almost 6 months after a bad motorcycle accident.

Big Shit's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I have wondered how they wipe their ass myself, and it does make since that they would get their nails full of shit. Thats it, I am never going to sleep with a woman with long fingernails again cause if it gets nasty after wiping their ass than some of that nastiness has to be transferred when they wipe their snapper.

Miss Clean Asshole!'s picture

I absolutely love acrylic nails, i apply em myself and have been doing so since i was about 11. i guess its all about getting used to it, of course, u can thvae them too long, but ive realized its better to hold the wad of tp with in the palm of ur hand with just ur thunb securing it in place, then wipe... voila! no manure manicure! it also helps that ima hygienne freak so i wash with water even after using tp, and of course, utilize my fingertips and not my nails... just a suggestion... water is always cleaner! esp for them men who get skid marks.... i live ina ocuntry where it is quite normal to have a bidet in each bathroom, so got used to it. Now, when i travel to see my family in another country, i just fetch a pail of water, its gotten to be a habit. Men an dtheir skids...ewwwwwwwwww! i once saw my mates underwear and he had skids in em,,, i left him, after about 3 days of realizing i cud never get turned on by him ever again... bidets r the bomb!

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

I don't care who you are or how much you've gotten "used to" wearing long, acrylic nails. If you have them, you get shit on them regularly. Not just poop, but dirt and crap of the street, office, animals... *shudders*
Acrylic nails are nasty, disease spreading bits of plastic.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I'm sure they get shit on them... But that's what soap and water are for!!

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

I really doubt every woman with acrylic nails takes the time to scrub under each one to make sure they got all the crap (fecal and otherwise) out of them.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

That's disgusting. I've never figured out the attraction to fake long nails. When I was a child I never cut my nails and they got fairly long. That episode in my life left me with a permanent scar on my temple that shows to this day. And it probably had poop in it, too.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Chris Taylor's picture

Well this is a "weird" topic. I get my nails done (yeah im a bit weird) and upto an inch or so past the end of your finger (longest I have ever had them) its no problem at all and I have never gotten fecal matter on my nails (that would be reallly disgusting)

Some of the people I see with the physco nails I have no idea how they wipe and even FUNCTION on a daily basis. Maybe I will get a set of crazy long ones for a few days and "see what happens" :-)

Chris Taylor

The Rim Reeper's picture

I for one have long nails & constantly suffer from anal poopage under my nails, it's a bit of a bitch cz after a while i 4get its there n i get a clinker or 2 stuck between my 2 front teeth!! Cotton buds & a vast amount of bleach normally gets the job done....

malenails666's picture

I have been growing my nails out about 1/3 inch past the tip for over 10 years. Never have a problem wiping with paper folded half/half/half and don't break through. It just takes practice; never was a problem, even in the early days. Before that, I was a nailbiter.

3flusher's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

3flusher This question was the first that entered my mind when a waitress in an Italian resturant had some suspicious matter under her nails. That was a real appetite killer!
I asked several people I know how these longnailers could wipe their ass. Nobody offered an explaination.
I think my question was answered when I noticed a couple at the Michigan State Fair a couple years ago. The woman had really long nails, and after looking at her husband, I decided he did it for her!


Poo Zombie's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I have long nails filed into sharp points. They are fake, so the sides are think and blunt but man the tips are sharp. For the first few days after you get fake nails you feel handicapped and do everything carefully, but within a week you get used to it. I had to be careful at first so I didn't poke or scratch myself which may have also been instrumental in learning to wipe without souvenirs.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

PZ, you're almost the first poster on this thread to confess to having long nails. I guess that may be in part because most folks with such nails must find it difficult to type.

Long Nails sans Crap's picture

Have long nails and never get poop under them, please!!!!!! Haven't you people ever heard of baby wipes??? Use lots of TP (if we can afford nails we can afford plety of tp, no?) Then clean up after with baby wipes. I'm willing to bet any of you that my nails are cleaner than yours. If you have long nails they have to be cleaner than short nails or you're going to have problems. I don't ask about how you wipe your ass, why are you worried about how I wipe mine?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Nails, this is a poop website. If you are going to post here, then expect every topic to come up, including how one wipes with long nails. I'm sure it wasn't a personal attack, because we have no idea who you are.
.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Hey, good topic! I wondered about acrylic nails and wiping for years. I had some put on for a Christmas party one year, and really liked them. They made me look better dressed, even when wearing just jeans and t-shirt. Mine were just standard length, though, not those freakish, curved talons.

It was difficult to get used to them, but since mine were not ridiculously long, I used the thumbnail and 1st-3rd fingers to make a pinscer for a wad of t.p. I made it big enough that it would slide across without the tips of my nails touching butt. It worked well.

I had the nails until I had my daughter, and then I didn't have time for a few years. I then replaced my eyeglasses with contacts, and later decided to have nails put on again. It was fine until the end of the day, when I went to take out my contacts. I was accustomed to using the tips of my fingers to pluck the contacts out of my eyes. I COULDN'T PLUCK! I couldn't get my knuckle into my eye, and the "rolling out" technique they teach you at the eye doctor did NOT work!

I ended up in sobbing tears, unable to get the contacts out of my eyes. Eventually, I did get them out, but it never got any easier. So I chose contacts over the nails. Ah, well.

I have watched women with the dragon-nails, and they do everything with the side of their fingers. Maybe they wipe that way, too.

Mmmm...Fiber: Nature's Broom!

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