On top of the very same reasons that Ass Phlegm mentioned, I as a reader and contributor, look for thorough stories. I think the best stories on this sight are the longest, and most descriptive stories. That way you get a true "feel" of the story and you are then enabled to step into the narrator's pants, so to speak. As witnessed by the majority of feedback placed on this week's "One Flew Over the Poo Poo's Nest," most readers want more than "I was admitted to a psych ward, over medicated, shit myself and went home the next day." While I don't think this story had much substinance to begin with, it could've been much better with better, more thorough description.

Anyone can shit their pants, but only a few can make it interesting.

Hey. First off, I would like to appologize to Mastercrapper for omitting him in my original question. Sorry about that.

I totally agree with all three of you about what makes a poop story good: you too Threeply. Anyways,The reason I came up witht this question is I have seen many critcs appear suddenly about poop story posts, so that got me thinking about it. But ya, Dave, Doinker, Ass Phlegm, thanks for the feedback. With all due respect to all PoopReporters out there, I wonder if this will serve as guideline when creating posts.....Time will tell.

list of things I consider worthy

1 Large size

2 Painful

3 Funny

4 Humiliatiting to you or others

5 a really strange experience that is hard to say

6 Something we can all agree on but rarely talk about (Like "Brown Line of Silence")

I have a general observation based on the fact that Dave put up, as he calls it, 'an old classic--Constipation'--on the Fourth by our friend, G Ras. That was quite an entertaining account of trying to deal with tough, conveyor-belt logs and a refreshing change of pace from the innumerable diarrhea stories that often pepper the site. I would add to all of the excellent feedback from the pooper panel above that relating a tale from a little different angle would be a good move, letting us see some aspect of pooping that is not simply a recitation of the 'runs.' The emergency poop is certainly the touchstone of experience for most of us, and it can be a hoot to hear about, but I do agree with Dave that there are other, wider avenues to explore with pooping that can shed light on the social and cultural aspects of our common need.

Mike, you were wondering if the suggestions and insights from our panel today would be heeded by future posters. That will mostly take care of itself, since Dave is the ultimate arbiter of taste, content and direction on the site. Now that everything has been so eloquently stated by some major contributors to the site, I would expect to see those standards reflected in the stories Dave does choose to put up for all to enjoy.

Along with what everyone else said, I love a story that contains a surprise. Last December, Dave ran a bunch of pre-Christmas time stories and Assphlegm submitted one entitled 'The Time Capsule' It was gloriously bizarre from the outset, describing Assphlegm's wierder-than-wierd playmate to whom he gave the protective pseudonym 'Malcolm Dickstain.' Malcolm was such a wierdo that Asshphlegm's description of M.D.s habits was enough to spot-weld the reader's attention.

This already terrific story blasted into the stratesphere of mindboggling when, at the very end, an alien life form made its appearance.

THat story probably elicited one of the longest, funniest threads of reader responses. People wanted to know everything from what Malcolm became when he grew up (Doniker muttered 'There's a Malcolm Dickstain in every nieghborhood') to the identity of the wierd creature, and exactly how it got into the Time Capsule.

Ah yes, Pooper what a thread indeed! I thought the best part was the responces as you said. Now that I'm older, I realize what a nut job of a story it was. As a kid growing up with Malcolm nothing seemed out of the ordinary. But after telling a few friends about "The Time Capsule" I recieved dropped jaws and a barage of questions. That's when I knew this experience must be shared.

There are many other AP & Malcolm stories to tell. Alas, most of them are not poop related, but still entertaining non the less. Maybe I'll post some in the off topic forums. I was really glad to see the enthusiasm over that post. I hope I can share more of the same caliber in the future! Time to put my thinking cap on and take a trip down memory lane.

-AP

The simple answer is: the same thing that makes any story great: the characters. Science fiction is a genre of concept before character, but folk tales, novels and virtually every other best-selling literature (including the tell-all celeb biography) exposes the reader to the personalities and characteristics of characters and documents their interplay.

There are supposedly only 13 plots, or whatever, and a poop story is almost always "man vs. poop" (or himself, or nature, not clear which one it is) ... the net result being that to understand the conflict you have to understand the (wo)man. For me it's important to understand what the characters are thinking, their thoughts, motivations, fears and hopes. Why does the protagonist eat so many tacos? What makes the narrator drive past the last service station before 100 miles of empty interstate? Why do some people want to poop naked?

All of which is not to say that the event itself isn't important. Grizzly description appeals. Everybody has the rare blunderbuss dump that sprays kibbles and bits all over the porcelain (and some of us have them more often than others) ... the details are a confessional in the high church of shame, a moment where we can all come together and admit the most lurid and horrifying things about that which we excrete.

I know there are some people who like to watch the accident footage culled from hundreds of NASCAR races and porno clips of nothing but money shots, but for me, it is the build up to the big finish, the confluence of character, context and crap that makes a poop story great.

Sorry I didn't respond in time.

-MC

Yeah, spraying a blunderbuss of shit is a good thing to post.

I agree with everyone, and as a contributor, I've noticed that the fastest way to publication is to be specific; Dave (the big guy) has helped me on occasion when I get too verbose, or jump on a tangent. Also from experience, don't attempt to write a story while imbued...what seems really funny at the moment pales miserably in the light of sobriety. Drink all you want, just don't Drink and Write.

Being the alcoholic piece of crap that I am, I must say that this is true. If an idea hits me while intoxicated (IWI !!!!), I will type it up and then survey it in the morning.

Same goes if you're stoned. I've thought several things were hilarious after smokin' a bowl. Reality slapped me later when my "sober friends" told me that I was just a stoned moron laughing at an ashtray.

I'm with Dave; I dig the intellectualt stuff as well. One thing that I have often thought of presenting to the good folks at poopreport is the theological of Sacred Figures and bowel movements.

Many sacred texts spend a considerable amount of time doing making sure that we know that our need and ability to shit is one of the things that makes us the dirty bunch of sinners that we are.

BUT, in terms in Christianity and its two cousins, there is the tenet that our Creator made us in His own image. Does this mean then that there is a great toilet in the sky? Does God use those little tablets that make your toilet water blue? At least in terms of the first question, it would seem so.

Some Hebrew, Islamic and Christian theologians have made some way in explaining away Divine Peristalsis at least with the celestial manifestation. But Christianity is built on the supposition that God made himself completely human in order to take on every last one of our sins. To do this he would have had to take on human form completely. Thus he would have to have given himself a digestive system. We know he ate; there are several passages which not only refer to food but explicitely mention Jesus' consumption.

Now this may sound like I am simply trying to stir shit up by being crass and tasteless but I can assure everyone that I have looked at genuine philosophical and theological (I graduated with an honours philosophy degree) literature that attempt some fancy footwork in order to dispell the seemingly logical conclusion that God shits.

Fascinating stuff.

Sorry. That should read "Theological problem of..." Apologies for the other mistakes as well.

How come everytime I try to post something on ask poopreport, it never gets posted?

well, how come ?

do girls poop, and if they do do they have diarrhea or do jus guys fart

i ment do jus guys poop cuz i think i ak the only girl that poops if u r a girl on this page or on stories say inresponse to jennifers question yes i do poop, thankx

I love the stories about really strange stuff. The farting and shitting yourself stories get old after a while, unless of course you happen to shit yourself while visiting the Pope or something. Then it's funny. Just don't tell me about shitting yourself on a date. That story line is so old it's got mold on it.

Those sick bastards who come on and talk about eating poop need a fucking hobby!

For some examples of some good stories, look at things written by Logjam, G-Ras, or Doniker. These type of stories are always funny.

The above commentaries are all very relevant. But what I look for is the word "vortex." If you can put "vortex" in a poop story, that enhances it greatly.

Its all about description! Make us feel your pain and discomfort. Example I was shaking and sweating. Thats pretty ordinary wouldnt you agree? But add I was shaking and sweating like a pedophile at a cub scout meeting. NOW THAT is descriptive! That is what makes a good poop report allowing the reader to feel your pain.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

It all depends (no pun inteded) on what mood I'm in. I love a well-described, unique EEEP! (Emergency Elimination: Eruption Pending!) or an OOOPS! (Over-taxed O-ring Override: Pants Shatten!) story, butt other times I enjoy the intellectual shit that makes you think about dumping a load in a new way. Of course, mastery over writing in the English language is a must. (Remember that week of really bad stories around the start of the year? *shudder*) That's what's so great about PR-- something for everyone (and every mood).

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)