Ask PoopReport: Smudging Seats

m 1+ points - Newb

Dear PoopReport,

I'm not quite sure how to bring this up, but perhaps you could deal with, for lack of a better word, uh, "smudging."

Have you ever stood up off the pot and seen poop smudged on the back of the toilet seat? And then you realized that you have poop smudged on your cheeks? I have hypothesized -- but never been able to prove -- that this comes from shifting on the seat.

Why do I shift? I have a system to see if I have any doots still hanging around: if you position your body right, you can see your butt's reflection in the toilet bowl water. If it is jagged and uneven, more toilet paper is required; if it is smooth like an apple, a confirmation wipe is all that is required.

I don't smudge often, but when I do it is disgusting and often ends up very high on my butt cheeks.

So, I ask you: am I the only one with this problem?

71 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Smudging Seats"

the shitter's picture

Yeah buddy, you're the only one with this problem.

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ points

I can't say I've ever had shit on my back or high on my butt cheeks.. I mean even with the occasional explosive shits, still no doots on the back....

-Pill Pooper

Long and Pointy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


Long and Pointy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

By the way: I have had a colonoscopy. Polyps are not the problem. At least so far.

C Everett Poop's picture

You are an idiot

Marcos's picture

Maybe you need to get a colonoscopy and check for polyps dude. Is that the right word? "Polyps"??
You all know what I mean. Sounds like you need to readjust the o-ring.

Marcos's picture

Damn, well Im out of ideas.

paradise pooper's picture

I second c everett. you are a fuckin idiot. how can you miss a hole as big as a toilet seat???

Bunghole Delight's picture

Why can't anyone on this site take a normal dump like everyone else?

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

This happened to me (as it occasionally does) about a week ago. I execute a semi-sitting wipe, shifting weight to my left side, entering from the right and wiping front to back. Between wipes, I settle back down on the seat. (You need this info later). On this morning, I


Obi-Dung Kenobi's picture
l 100+ points

Uh, sit farther forward on the bowl. And aren't most toilet seats elliptical and tapered to the point where you can easily settle into the right position. Unless you have an unusually angled sphincter that's parallel to the ground, or a toilet seat hole the size of a tuna can, I have no idea how you can be doing this.

stink hole's picture

You're supposed to be sitting on the crapper when you shit, not hanging upside down from the ceiling bozo.

poopshooter(sniff)'s picture

eat your poo and die from poo poisoning

poopshooter (sniff)'s picture

^^^^not anonymous coward^^^^

coach crap's picture

Maybe the 2 Science Guys on the Discovery Channel can figure this out.I hope the audience can tolerate a shitty episode.

ParaPooper's picture

You are not alone L&P. I too have had this happen to me. Usually it is after a rushed entrance to the potty and "The Move". "The Move" being that frantic spin as you enter the stall and turn as you drop Trou. All in one swift motion as you attempt to aim into the bowl and not fill your pants before launch. I could easily see how an errant splotch of Poo makes a first exit to catch the edge. But it has also happened to me in a regular poo. I think Logjam might have the answer there for the regular poo. I think it drops off the TP as you inspect the wipe. I look at every wipe for smear/cleanliness level and frequently sniff it to see the change from the last Poo. You can tell a lot from your poo you know. I also do a right-side lift as I wipe front to rear. So I think I either brush the seat with poo or a nugget falls and sticks to the seat and I smear it back on me as I rest back on the bowl as I put TP in from the front. It happens folks! Everyone here should know how Poo tends to fly in the most in-opportune direction. It is not so bad at home where I keep baby wipes for clean up, but it can be a problem at work when you only have dry TP to make the smear less brown. You can never get it all off. I love to Poo at work. Nothing like getting paid to Poo.....Hang in the Long and are not alone!

Marcos's picture

This is just a friendly reminder for everyone to remember to wash your hands!

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

L&P, my kids have this problem, but I just figured it is beacuase they are all under 7 years of age.
Next time you check the reflection of your can in the pottywater, shine a flashlight down there and make sure your actual bunghole is in the right place (and that there is only one). If the opening isn't right in the middle of your buttcrack and about half-way between your tailbone and spuds, you might make smaudge because of a directional problem. It could be a birth defect.

"Wash you hands" -- that's excellent!

The Amazing Anus's picture

This has happend befor, only when I have the squirts, I will fly to sit down, and accidently shit a bit to soon, resulting in a smeared ass.

Long and Pointy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Thanks, all. I'm very glad that I'm not alone in this experience since it is the cause of some angst.

ParaPooper's hypothesis is new to me and may be correct.

Maybe shaking off a doot actually throws the doot backwards and down in such a way that it sticks to the top of the seat (after all, you can't shake without getting at least a few inches off the seat); when you settle back onto the seat, you inadvertently smear.

As for Obi-Dung Kenobi, I did try sitting further forward on the bowl but it didn't work. I smeared the front of the seat instead of the back. Ha ha ha.

By the way, does anybody else use the reflection technique? It doesn't work in all bathrooms (toilet design, water level, and lighting type and placement are all key variables) but it's great when you got it.

POOdle77's picture

you are too shifty man,too shifty

Log Flume's picture

I once missed the bowl completey, nevermind the seat.

Count Crapula's picture

I don't have this problem, but it seems like an awful lot of people at my work place do. But they don't have the decency to clean up after themselves. Quite disgusting!

TurdBird's picture

Dear Long and Pointy I know your concerns take up much of your valuable time, but the truth is this incident has happened to many people obsessed with shit, just like yourself. Now who the fuck cares if you "smudge" on the seat? Clean it up and get over it you fucking idiot. Go make yourself useful you little asswipe. Hope to talk to you and your ass soon. Go wipe your asshole, you dumb turd!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

LP I don't know what to say. I've never had this problem.

My dad, on the other hand, is not so lucky. He smudges all the time. This is because he is terribly obese. Are you obese? This is not a question to be a prick. If so, you might consider some ass-tightening exercizes. I am trying to convince my dad to do the same.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Pebbly Poo's picture

LP, I DO use the reflection technique! My favorite part of your post was the recognition that I am not alone in my ass-observing ingenuity!

arrogant bas-turd's picture

wow. disturbing... i'm just bored and did a search for poo to see what happened. holy cow.
i found my new home. never had the smear, but i do get some chunky-nuggets now and then. dude, just aim better. sit up(forward)on the throne, lean over (which helps smooth out bumpy BM's)prop the elbows up on your knees & let that carne asada burrito blow out your pooper. no need to wipe in mid poop! that takes away from the only real peace and quiet you get all damn day. just relax AIM and drop the kids off at the pool. ultimately, its not a recliner, dude, ya gotta ASSume proper pooping position. hope it helps.

-The Bathroom Poet

LardAss the Pooper's picture

As a morbidly obese lardass, I find it offensive that many of you dismiss this as a real problem. Due to the size of my monolithic ass, it is very difficult for me to stay on the toilet, much less sit on it so that the Mariana Trench of my asscrack sits directly over the water. Coupled with this is the tremendous force my shit it expunged from my pooper, which usually directs my buttmud towards the back of the bowl. Wiping is the worst part. I often go through several rolls of paper owing to the fact that I cannot directly reach back with my hand to wipe my ass. Wiping requires me to wrap a length of TP around a toilet brush in order for me to reach. I then have to use more TP to remove that soiled TP and add it to the massive shitpile I just gave birth to. All of this must be done standing straight up, as my Great Rift is inaccessable in the sitting position. As you might imagine, standing up with a wet, slimy ass is quite precarious, and flecks of shit can sometimes find their way onto the seat. To compound matters further, my size makes it difficult for me to accurately sense the presence of shit in my colon that still needs to come out, forcing me to often sit my fatass back down, before I'm done cleaning. By the time I'm done with my business, my ass, toilet, and floor are covered with shit, forcing me to take a shower, change, and clean the bathroom. What might take people of normal weight just a few minutes often takes me over half an hour, making shitting away from home impossible. So before you blow this off as a non-issue, I suggest you think of us fat lardasses who are handicapped, and not take something as "easy" as wiping for granted.

Shit Brick's picture

If that isn't motivation enough to get off your ass and lose weight, I don't know what is.

Tronald Dump's picture

I once smudged the seat because the shit was coming out of my asshole before i got myself seated, but that was the only time.

My shit falls into the bowl. I had a roommate once who used to constantly spray the back of the bowl.I imagined his asshole must have been in a different place than mine.

Also, Lardass TP: I feel for you. You're all fat, have trouble going to the bathroom, and with that wiping technique of yours, must smell like shit all the time. I wish you the best.

johngrande's picture

there is a problem worse than a smudge. it's when you sit down and your penis hits the water

Bill's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

you people ever get the "cant clean my ass blues"
like when you wipe 500 million time flush 40 billion and still find poo on the paper?.. then .5 hours later wiping again?, then when u do. nothing butt ass juice and blood from hemorrids?

Rexcrement's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

My butt mud of late seems to be the kind that leaves a bunch of skid-marks in the bowl. It also tenaciously sticks to my nether bits and the resulting antics to clean my arse sometimes results the the transference of goo to the back of the seat.
I've taken to wetting a couple of paper towels if I'm out or at work to make things right.
I'm not a fatass, just going through a sticky pooh stage in life.
At least it's not as bad as my dad who polluted our only bathroom so as to make it unserviceable for an hour or so afterwards. Even with a fan and open window.

Chuck's picture

Log Flume, you mentioned missing the entire bowl. Please do tell.

Marcos's picture

ah what a good thread

Hugh G. Rexxion's picture

Oh wow, I thought this was only me! One time, I realized I had smudged all the way to my shoulderblades! Since I was at a McDonalds, I chose to just rub my back on the stall wall. The unfortunate downside is that I now have "For a good time, call 738-2059" in magic marker on my back in a place that I can't reach with a washcloth.

Oh wait, no I don't, nevermind.

Snapper's picture
l 100+ points

I've seen seats that have smudges on them, but as far as I know, I haven't ever left a treat for the next person.

Bunghole Delight's picture

When I have butt gravy it gets all over my ass.

makebigpoo's picture

try getting a washcloth and cleaning u'r butt

Ty Cobb's picture

I dare anyone to beat my lifetime batting average.

alex a.k.a theres the titantic!'s picture

hold ur crap in to make it hard and dry and then you wont have ur stopid problem.... who dont know how to keep the crap from the seat(((((scratches head )))))

Le Poo's picture

How the hell do you get your shit right on the seat ??

Von Douchenstein's picture

My flatmate does the exact same thing, the stupid retard! He leaves shit stains on the toilet seat, leaving me to often wonder how he manages it. Even more disgusting is that the moron doesn't even notice, and just leaves it there... until the time came when I snapped and said if he didn't clean it off, I'd use his towels to clean it off myself. Obviously, I put paper down before I sit because of this.

Hugh G. Rexxion's picture

P.S., I'm not letting you weird bastards that smear the seat while doing acrobatics on the pot into my house.

I'm willing to bet that this is exclusively a shameless problem. Us Shamefuls would never do anything that would cause this situation to happen. Freeeeeeeaks.

Turtle Head's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Wow, this is almost disturbing. One guy poops on seats and himself, another SNIFFS his shit paper, people look at their shit paper after every swipe.....damn, talk about obsessive-compulsive. And honestly, if you sit on the seat correctly and still smear the seat, it's because you are FUCKING AROUND! Sit, shit, wipe a few times, check shit paper for smearage, and be done. All this intricate looking, leaning, sniffing, and insane obsessing. SNIFFING! AGGH!

Jane Fonda's picture

My asshole used to smell but these days I use a different kind of toilet paper. It is scented and doesn't smudge. Best yet, it also keeps me looking younger!

Turd77's picture

I am with Turtle!!! Shit and get off the pot! I am OCD but not in this regard. I cannot remember the last time I looked at my poop and/or poop paper. Who has time?

Turdmaster's picture

a buddy of mine at work got out of his chair and his handy wipes fell out of his back pocket, I picked it up and said "heres your handi-wipes" he replied, "Oh thanks, I keep wet wipes with me at all times, never know when your gonna have a messy shit" Talk about OCD..... Drop the kids off at the pool.... I was rolling on that one!!

Crapslikeclockwork's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I get this as well. I'm not overweight and put it down to fidgiting while on the seat. Plus I tend to put my feet up on the front of the shower at home while shitting, so this may change the angle of attack slightly.

ParaPooper's picture can you never look at your TP? How do you know your butt is poop free? Do you never smear....oh wait, you dont look so you dont know..Your crack must smell really bad! You HAVE to look! Am I right fellow Poopers? I don't know about the whole reflection thing, but you have to look to see if you are clean? Right?

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