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 Ask PoopReport: Breaking The WaterlinePosted 01.29.2004 by Jack Slagg (10)
TO: Dave
FROM: Jack Slagg DATE: 1.25.002004 SUBJECT: ask poopreport ============================== Dear PoopReport, How can I get the largest possible bowel movement without any injury? -- Jack Slagg TO: Jack Slagg I have forwarded your question to Poonurse. She will surely have a smarmy response for you. I, for one, suggest a day of bunging foods (hamburger and more hamburger, and nothing else), followed by a day of roughage (oatmeal and bran cereal and nothing else). That should be spectacular. I'll email you when Poonurse responds. -- Dave TO: Dave Thank you for your speedy response. I appreciate your advice. I find it somewhat sophomoric -- but not as sophomoric as quantity shitting. I have tried all sorts of things, but as a pioneer in the field, I have encountered many problems getting a good pile (that above-water level). Currently I am using soy bran and wheat bran mixed at one cup each and moistened with prune juice and slim fast. The best I have received is a bloody ass from wiping and one hell of a growling stomach, but such things are the lot of us pioneers. -- Jack Slagg TO: Jack Slagg Well, you want to build bulk. That's fiber -- bran, veggies, oatmeal, etc. But it seems to me that you should want a churning mess stuck inside you when that roughage comes, so that you have something to really push out. That's why I suggested hamburger. If you want to write something elaborating on your plight -- what you're trying to do, what you've tried already, how it's worked out -- I'll post it for people to offer their advice. -- Dave TO: Dave I am sending a letter along to post. Thank you so much for your help, Dave, and maybe something will come out of all this.
Thank you so much for the opportunity to come out of the closet and express myself. Volume dumping has been a fascination of mine and a pursuit for a long, long time. It is as important to me as just having a bowel movement. My quest began when I was working with geriatric patients. I was somewhat surprised and awed by the size of some of the turdulence I witnessed -- especially out of some of the old battle-axes with their atomic bowels. The size of a baby's head was not uncommon. I will never forget Mary, a really out-of-it old bat who was screaming and whooping it up in her room. When the aides went to change her, they found quite a surprise: Mary was holding her "baby" in swaddling blankets. Only Mary was eighty years old, and her baby was a six-pound dump as hard as a rock. After that, it was settled. This was to be my goal -- save the hard-as-a-rock. My bunger couldn't take it. I started with Metamucil and prune juice mixed together, which was a real gasser. It worked out well at first, with hardy dumps that were impressive -- only they were all floaters, and the cramps could be debilitating. Then Metamucil turned on me and became a constipant. I needed to drink about two gallons of water to get anything out. It was a bitter time for me. I had been drawn toward bran from the first time I read the side of a cereal box, and I took it on without reservation. I tried all the store-bought concoctions that were sold -- All Bran, etc., etc. I learned that if I was ever going to spectacular heights it would have to be with my own makings. I read more box tops and found one cereal that did have some promise. I found it by accident, while looking for a high-protein cereal that was low in calories. It was Nutlettes. Ten grams of fiber in three measly ounces. I tried it in good quantities, with only moderate results: I was piling (coming out of the water), but it wasn't anything I couldn't do by just eating greens or sauerkraut. Then, in the health food store, I noticed wheat bran on sale for 79 cents a pound. This was all fiber. But it was not edible by itself -- it was a gagger and it stuck in my throat. I came upon the combination of the wheat bran and the Nutlettes, and then I started getting better piles with less cramping and gas.
It was OK, but to get a good pile I needed to eat a lot. So I needed something else. When I tried my old friend Metamucil I came onto a real winning combination. The next morning I sat and was amazed. I not only had probably the largest BM of my life, but it was effortless. The pile obliterated the water line; I couldn't ask for more. But I know that there is more out there for me, though... I need feedback and direction. Any ideas at all will be appreciated. I only want it bigger, but not hard. Also, please try my recipe: two cups Nutlettes, one cup wheat bran, and 1/4 cup of Metamucil. Mix in about 1/4 gallon of milk and eat it. Keep it moist and drink plenty of fluids for the next few hours. -- Jack Slagg Post new comment
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