Ask PoopReport: Pooping White

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m 1+ points - Newb
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Dear PoopReport,

Very important question here! I have been bet £60 that I can't do a white poo this
Saturday after my shift at work. I'm pretty skint and could do with winning the bet!
You got any ideas? Would white food dye work? Or milk? If you can't think of a genuine way,
do you know any way I could fake it? My boss is cynical,
so he'll be looking for all the important things like temperature, consistency, and smell.
Please help, I've not got long left!!!

Thanks,
Bex

71 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Pooping White"

Skid Marky Mark's picture
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Yo, Bex, here's what you do. First you say to yo' boss (What the hell kinda boss be bettin' on the color of yo' poo anyway? That's fudged up!), "Show me the money, foo!" And make sure he gots the ducats in his hand. Then you go and drops the dook in the pot. When you done, tell him to come over and see. When he's up to the toilet, grab him, shove his head down in the pot, flush, grat the benjaminz, and then run away, saying "Poo on you!"

'Cuz basically you don't wanna work fo' no dumbass that thinks folks can make white poop.

Markster out!

Scooby Poo's picture
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drink some maalox

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Bex. First, are you white? If so, than every poo you do is a white poo.

Logjam

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points
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'"One can experience white poop after consuming a barium milkshake for the purposes of getting an x-ray of the upper gastrointestinal tract."
-- http://heptune.com/poop.html

That''s no fun, though. You''re better off with the technicality approach as suggested by Logjam.

John Stephens's picture
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See if you can't score a couple of bottles of barium sulfate, that nasty Elmer's glue tasting stuff you have to drink before an abdominal x-ray. White poops, guarenteed.

Dr. Proct-er's picture
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Barium would work, as would inducing liver failure.

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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i wonder if only eating white stuff for a few days would work. cuz isn't poop normally brown because that's the color you get when you mix a bunch of different colors together? it seems logical that the color of your input has a direct effect on the color of your output. we've seen examples of that right here on poop report, like the kool-aid and black mountain dew and pepsi spice and oreos cereal.

yes, i say eat only white stuff. that should do the trick.

i love poop.

Commode-O Dragon's picture
l 100+ points
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Why would you bet that much money on something like that??? White Poop...is it even possible??

tronald dump's picture
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I'm no medical expert, but it think the shit is brown more from mixing with bile than from mixing colors.

Turdmatic 6000's picture
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White Play-Doh for the color and texture, joke-shop fart spray for the smell, your ass for realistic temperature and delivery process.

The Artist Formerly Known As Poo-Poo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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The only thing I know for a fact that will give you white shit would be to contracted hepatitis.
Then it's pretty much guaranteed.
So is liver damage, but you want to win the bet, right?
It ought to be pretty easy. Call the health department and ask about places in the area that have had a hepatitis outbreak.
Another method would be to go to a large city and have unprotected anal intercourse in the bathroom of the seediest gay bar as the recipient. Rimming without protection also would work.
With the time frame involved however, I don't think it's possible. I think you have to wait awhile for the brown piss and white shit to occur.
And, if you followed the last two suggestions, you'll probably have much more interesting things to bet on, like when KS or pneumocystitis carinii pneumonia will first occur.
Your next of kin will probably appreciate the money.

Kung Poo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Man, that's easy. Just swallow some bleach.

The Shit Pistol's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I had first read this, I didn't have an idea. Then Kung Poo suggested bleach, and that got me to thinking. Why not take a poop and then scoop it and bleach it? It's science, without the risk of death from swallowing bleach! Then I got to thinking again, and I thought the possibility of something in your turd could cause a chemical reaction with the bleach, e.g. toxic gases (yes, I see the irony.)

Then I got to thinking again, why not buy a few packs of white colored sculpting clay (with some brown, because a turd of Michael Jacksonesque consistancy is unhealthy) and make some poo that way? Put spots of brown clay here and there to minimize the fakeness. Use some warm water to keep the clay moist.

Idea number three; go into the bathroom where you two are to meet, sit down and act like your taking a dump, when your boss comes in, do some grunting and farts for drama, and soon after you drop the turd in the toilet. Drop some TP in the toilet not to arouse suspicion.

Good luck.

'Fo Shizzle!'s picture
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Wow... British people bet on some REALLY strange things... But then again, I'd probably do the same. And do what the Marky guy said.

Commode-O Dragon's picture
l 100+ points
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You know, Play Doh is non-toxic, perhaps you should eat some white Play Doh. But honestly, I think the putty poop is your only way to go.

You might want to try and make yourself have diarrhea that day, blow some diarrhea in the bowl and then drop in the white clay turd...that will add some more authenticism too it.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Commode-0 has inspired me. You're boss didn't specify the poop source, just the exit point and color. So, use the old backdoor trick. For details on exotic enimas, listen to Chris Rockwell's experiment last Wednesday on the Daily Download where he gives himself a coffee enema (www.apeboymonkeygirl.com/) Make yours a latte enema and collect your $200 after passing go.

Logjam

expert 101's picture
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u could just put white playdough up yer butt in the morning and then poop it out in front of yer boss...but i wouldn't do that for that amount of money.

ChiefRunnyPoop's picture
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a quart of maalox should do the trick

Winny the shit's picture
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You're all wrong. Your poop is brown because of a mixture of dead bacteria and mostly dead red blood cells. You can't remove either of these from your poo, so eating only white foods wouldn't make any difference. --
k I have an idea. mix white playdough with some thick mashed potatos, and add some gelatin and mix in a blender. Keep adding playgough until the mixture is thick. Then "squeeze the mixture out of something" to create the illusion of a turd. then dip the thing into anything that smells like shit. ie. slufur, liquid methene (such a thing?) maybe throw in a dash of viniger for that extra tinge.

good luck mate.

tronald dump's picture
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taking winie's idea in a slightly different direction: buy the Showtime rotisserie grill. It comes with what they call a "solid flavor injector" looks like a big hypodermic with a nozzle instead of a needle. Pack this thing with dry mashed potatoe flakes, and "inject" up yourass over and over until you've used up the whole box. go to work, and drink warm water all morning. I'm guessing that your natural juices will hydrate the mashed potato flakes... of course it may not work out that way, but do it anyway. at the very least you end up with a nice rotisserie oven.

Winne the Poop's picture
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LOL t dump! Explain that to the proctologist! How you got a whole box of mashed potatoes stuck up your craphanger. Now ROFL!!!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I think it was Poop Diddy who actually achieved a white poop. He did it by eating a whole box of ice cream cones. Wasn't that it, Poop Diddy?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

tronald dump's picture
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You've got a point. Okay, how about you just grease up a peeled underripe bannana and cram it in your dungpipe then shit it out on cue.

Turdmatic 6000's picture
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Eating the Play-Doh won't give you a white turd. That stuff is almost entirely flour, water and salt--you'll digest it and convert it to the usual brownness. No, if the ass is where you want the Play-Doh poop to exit, that's where it'll have to enter.

1 more possibility (OK, so it's late): I've noticed that poop left in the toilet for long enough leaches its color into the water and takes on a kind of ashen tinge. Maybe all you have to do is drop a brown one beforehand and let it soak itself white? I don't know how long it would take to turn white as deep as the boss's sampling process is likely to expose, or how well the turd would keep its shape--but it's worth a shot.

Christine's picture
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When my best friends daughter was 3 years old she drank almost an entire gallon of milk in one day. The next day her poop was pure white! She was little, so I'm thinking you'd need a lot more, but that'd probably do the trick.

Scooby Poo's picture
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i maintain that drinking just the recommended dose of maalox will give you white shit. i know this because every time i've ever had to take the stuff, my shit has been white

Marcos's picture
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You have to eat white out... duh...

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Find a nice big dog turd that has turned white while sitting in the park for a week. Cram it up your ass and drink a bunch of water. After a few hours, it should come out nice and moist. You should have made the bet for more money.

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Bex, You are a stallion. Betting on your poop without any idea of how to score is the manliest thing I have heard in a long time (actually, the simple act of betting on poop is wonderful). You've got some good advice above: Eat white playdoh and you will crap white. Drink plenty of water with your playdoh though as playdoh is a dessicant and may block you up, thereby foiling your bet.

I have a large family and therefor, alot of bizarre eating/pooping experience. Eating chalk will turn your crud a very light baby-blue. You don't have to eat much and it will turn everything else white-blue, all the spam, jam, and asparagus you eat will be affected. This may be useful if you want to lighten up the hue of your turds, but don't want eat alot of playdoh.

High gloss paper will come out white too, chop it up good though, a paper-plug is tough to explain to the doctor.

But the BEST way to make white crap is to consume white crayons (Crayola is best - make sure you at least get "non-toxic" sticks). The wax is completely non-digestable and comes out your butt exactly as it enters your throat. Peel the paper off first. By the way, crayons don't just work for white. We used to feed crayons to my little cousin (he survived) and then laugh when my aunt would complain of his technicolor diaper-deposits. The only drawback to crayons is that they will not color the rest of what you ate (see "chalk" above). So you have to eat alot of them and there is only one white one per box, though some art supply stores will sell boxes of single colors. They are a bit tough to eat, ketchup will make them more pallatable.

Good luck and keep in mind: DungDaddy is not a doctor and will not be held responsible for your illness or death resulting from following the above suggestions.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

reLAXing's picture
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Do you have marshmallows in England? I lived there for two years and I don't ever remember seeing them...hmm...

I think if you can't manage to get a white poo from eating only those for the next few days then if you at least take a giant stinky poo, the flush, then crew up a bunch of white marshmallows and spit them into the toilet, the call your boss in and let him see (and smell) the poo before you "get all embarrassed" and flush it before he can look too hard.

whew.

Ulala's picture
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Forget the color, I think I'd have problems being able to poo on cue like that!
"Oh look, work shift's over, time to shit!"

Sepult's picture
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eat a box of cleanex it works for my dog

shitass's picture
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Hypnotise yourself so that you think that everyone else looks like house cats with human faces, then shit in a teacup, dance around in your neighbor's front yard with you pants down singing "the poopie song" (feel free to make up lyrics that include the words "I am my own penis!") at the top of your lungs. crack a few eggs on yor head and then hump a tree trunk. point dramatically at your ass and fart if you can. Finally insult the police when they show up and tell them that you're going to "fuck them up".

This is guaranteed to work. trust me. just do it.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I produced a white turd once when I was a teenager after downing half a bottle of Milk Of Magnesia. Looked exactly like a regular turd, except it was albino.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Sharty_Jones's picture
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Barium Milkshake is the best way as mentioned above. I had an Upper GI once and had to drink one of those shake's. Made my turd as white as powder.

Turd77's picture
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eat a white turd................duh

Rectal Inversion's picture
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I know for a fact that drinking a LOT of milk WILL make your turd white. It has to be a lot of calcium. I know because when I was about 9 years old I drank several glasses of milk a day, trying to grow bigger. About 3 days later, I shit a turd that was half white, half brown. Also, that same year I ate some Azalea leaves, laughing al the while, and shit a green poop. That warped my mind.

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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so....what happened? did Bex even read these responses? did he/she try any of them? i wanna know!

i love poop.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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I remember when I was in 4th grade, my friends told me that eating lots of tapioca pudding can cause white diarhea.

Will diarehea be worth as much as a solid log?

Bex's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Editor's note: I emailed Bex and asked her how it went. This is her response.



Sorry for the delay! I won the 60 quid! i lied and said i was drinking 10 pints of milk a day and eating nothing but white food. Then for my 11 and a half hour shift at the pub i hid a stool made form 2 parts flour 1 part water and about 6 gravy granules in my sock, also smuggling a small pack of flour for emergencies in an inside pocket of my jeans. At the end of my shift i had to empty all of my exterior pockets and take off my shoes to prove i wasn't cheating, then i went into the ladies with a plastic tub....



When i got there i discovered that my stool had to turned to an off white goo resembling diarohhea (probably spelt wrong) so i put it in the tub anyway, it was boiling cos it had been in my sock all day, then, as i wasn't given a chapperone, i was able to mix my spare flour with water in the sink and form a little hard stool....



On emerging from the lav, tub in hand, i explained that the small hard stool came out first and all that followed was sloppy due to the platefuls of cauliflour i had consumed the day before. Everyone was so minged out by it they didn't want to breathe in near it and so didn't notice it was odourless (i was gonna use stink bombs in the mixture bit the smell was too strong). My disgusting boss put his hand under the bottom of the tub and realised it was actually warm, was so freaked out he wouldnt then go near it!!



I had a slight bit of arguing for my case as it wasn't brilliant white but he paid up in the end!!! If i get hold of the photos he took I'll send ya one! There was an amazing wrethching performance on my part too which helped! So if anyone wants to win a bet for the case of white poo, thats the way to do it!

The Holy Shitter's picture
l 100+ points
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I smell bullshit. That whole story sounds like a lie to me.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I don't know. She sounds like a pretty trustworthy gal to me.

Logjam

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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interesting. i'd be more impressed if she actually pooped a white poop, though. instead of making a fake one.

i love poop.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I believe it. Good job, Bex. I was rooting for you even though you did not use my idea of an old dog poop shoved up the arse.

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Marcos's picture
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was this shit translated on babelfish?

the shit reaper's picture
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

p.s. - you still cheated

scooby poo's picture
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i've said the whole time, just drink some maalox, i shit white every time i take that stuff

The Other David's picture
l 100+ points
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As simply out of curiosity once, I had tried to lighten the colour of my poop. What I had found was an inexpensive material, originally found in China, called Kaolin. It is a fine clay, that is used (or originally was) used in Kaopectate. The original recipe called for one part each of Pectin, which is based on a fruit sugar. This is found in many fruits. (Now the main active ingredient of Kaopectate is Bismuth Subsalicylate). Pectin is used as an asorbant within the intestinal tract as to asorb the excess water that leads to diarrhoea.

WARNING:
Do NOT use too much pectin, as it could cause serious constipation or bowel obstruction! However, one tenth part with a litre of water well mixed, should lighten the stools significantly, without harding the faeces.
At least it worked with me.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Well, they didn't ask WHERE you got the white shit, so technically it's not cheating.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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You did good, Bex. Cheating is just as good as winning fair-and-square. I'm so proud of you!

bowelhound's picture
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Bex, I would have added some extra effect by eating the concoction. Your boss would have been extremely delighted.

freakazoid's picture
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Moron!

Ulala's picture
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A tub? He made you poop into a container instead of the toilet?

freakazoid's picture
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The above post was for a poop eater whose statement was deleted. This is a hazard of commenting on other posts, but I couldn't resist this choice one.

Bex, I thought what you did was great.

Me's picture
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What the hell kind of boss would bet on poop??? You people are sick

Not a poop expert's picture
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What you need to do is get an x-ray of your intestinal tract, they will ask you to drink some barium phosphate to clarify the image. Barium phosphate is mildly radioactive and shows up on x-rays, and one of its side effects are white stool.

Not a poop expert's picture
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Correction- that's barium SULFATE

Eric's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Barium sulfate isn't *radioactive* (i.e. emits radiation), it's *radioopaque* (i.e. doesn't let radiation pass through it). That's what causes it to show up on an X-ray; it blocks the X-rays just like the calcium in your bones does, and therefore shows up as white on the film.

crystal's picture
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well my dog eats T.P. and it comes out white so find a dog get it to eat some T.P. and then wait put it in a bag and tuck it in to some where warm on your body so its the right temp. and then go do your thing and drop it in. The only thing is it will have to be a big dog and i am glad i dont have to make him eat T.P. lol well have fun

Jared's picture
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Try eating lots of titanium dioxide. It is a common food additive with no known adverse effects, save the brilliant white color that will be present in your feces. They have tested it on rats with no adverse effects observed. http://www.inchem.org/documents/jecfa/jecmono/v46aje19.htm

It is also used in paints for the whitest white you can have. If you want to give him this bet again, tell him double or nothing, after you test it out ;)

pirate pearls's picture
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I ate a large bag of white chocolate m&m's last night, and now my poop is whitish

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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There are white chocolate M&M's? Who knew? That seems like a pretty safe choice for experimenting with poo-etiolation.

Anthroapology's picture
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All you need to do is eat lots of chalk. Try mylanta.

Not Without My Anus's picture
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My husband ate a bag of marshmallows one night and he said the next day that his poop had no colour.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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By no color, are we talking invisible? And if so, how could he tell he unloaded anything? Clear poop? hmmm...now I'm thinking....thats not a good thing for the rest of you.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

JohnInFlorida's picture
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You guys must all be republicans. In the 100% factual Al Gore film, 'An Inconvenient Truth', it is PROVEN (with 14 scientific looking charts and graphs) that global warming is the reason dog poop no longer turns white. By the way, you may now purchase carbon credits for your dog so that other dogs won't make fun of him (or her).

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Ok, for anyone reading all this crap, and still has time for this little section, I want to say having white poop is possible!! And You don't have to be dying!! My 3 year old son, no joke 3 year old son pooped green for a couple days...and it got lighter and lighter, then he had a white poop! If we would have taken a pic I would share it with you but we didn't.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Michael Jackson's poop is white like his glove. Do you think he eats his glove? Or maybe he has been licking a white bike seat.

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Natural Albino Turds's picture
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Hey, folks, you're not going to freakin believe this. I came upon this site looking for information as to why in the hell someone would suddenly poop out an albino turd.Yep, happened this morning and I took it as some kind of sign from the Great Spirit. No shit, no pun intended. My bro's an EMT and started asking me all kind of medical questions... freakin hilarious. Shoulda took a picture of the darned thing...

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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It might have been a white hairball. Are you dating Bea Arthur?