Ask PoopReport: Pooping White

// // 71 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Dear PoopReport,

Very important question here! I have been bet £60 that I can't do a white poo this
Saturday after my shift at work. I'm pretty skint and could do with winning the bet!
You got any ideas? Would white food dye work? Or milk? If you can't think of a genuine way,
do you know any way I could fake it? My boss is cynical,
so he'll be looking for all the important things like temperature, consistency, and smell.
Please help, I've not got long left!!!

Thanks,
Bex

71 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Pooping White"

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Or Andy Rooney?
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

It might have been a white hairball. Are you dating Bea Arthur?

Natural Albino Turds's picture

Hey, folks, you're not going to freakin believe this. I came upon this site looking for information as to why in the hell someone would suddenly poop out an albino turd.Yep, happened this morning and I took it as some kind of sign from the Great Spirit. No shit, no pun intended. My bro's an EMT and started asking me all kind of medical questions... freakin hilarious. Shoulda took a picture of the darned thing...

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Michael Jackson's poop is white like his glove. Do you think he eats his glove? Or maybe he has been licking a white bike seat.

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Anonymous Coward's picture

Ok, for anyone reading all this crap, and still has time for this little section, I want to say having white poop is possible!! And You don't have to be dying!! My 3 year old son, no joke 3 year old son pooped green for a couple days...and it got lighter and lighter, then he had a white poop! If we would have taken a pic I would share it with you but we didn't.

JohnInFlorida's picture

You guys must all be republicans. In the 100% factual Al Gore film, 'An Inconvenient Truth', it is PROVEN (with 14 scientific looking charts and graphs) that global warming is the reason dog poop no longer turns white. By the way, you may now purchase carbon credits for your dog so that other dogs won't make fun of him (or her).

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

By no color, are we talking invisible? And if so, how could he tell he unloaded anything? Clear poop? hmmm...now I'm thinking....thats not a good thing for the rest of you.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Not Without My Anus's picture

My husband ate a bag of marshmallows one night and he said the next day that his poop had no colour.

Anthroapology's picture

All you need to do is eat lots of chalk. Try mylanta.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

There are white chocolate M&M's? Who knew? That seems like a pretty safe choice for experimenting with poo-etiolation.

pirate pearls's picture

I ate a large bag of white chocolate m&m's last night, and now my poop is whitish

Jared's picture

Try eating lots of titanium dioxide. It is a common food additive with no known adverse effects, save the brilliant white color that will be present in your feces. They have tested it on rats with no adverse effects observed. http://www.inchem.org/documents/jecfa/jecmono/v46aje19.htm

It is also used in paints for the whitest white you can have. If you want to give him this bet again, tell him double or nothing, after you test it out ;)

crystal's picture

well my dog eats T.P. and it comes out white so find a dog get it to eat some T.P. and then wait put it in a bag and tuck it in to some where warm on your body so its the right temp. and then go do your thing and drop it in. The only thing is it will have to be a big dog and i am glad i dont have to make him eat T.P. lol well have fun

Eric's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Barium sulfate isn't *radioactive* (i.e. emits radiation), it's *radioopaque* (i.e. doesn't let radiation pass through it). That's what causes it to show up on an X-ray; it blocks the X-rays just like the calcium in your bones does, and therefore shows up as white on the film.

Not a poop expert's picture

Correction- that's barium SULFATE

Not a poop expert's picture

What you need to do is get an x-ray of your intestinal tract, they will ask you to drink some barium phosphate to clarify the image. Barium phosphate is mildly radioactive and shows up on x-rays, and one of its side effects are white stool.

Me's picture

What the hell kind of boss would bet on poop??? You people are sick

freakazoid's picture

The above post was for a poop eater whose statement was deleted. This is a hazard of commenting on other posts, but I couldn't resist this choice one.

Bex, I thought what you did was great.

Ulala's picture

A tub? He made you poop into a container instead of the toilet?

freakazoid's picture

Moron!

bowelhound's picture

Bex, I would have added some extra effect by eating the concoction. Your boss would have been extremely delighted.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

You did good, Bex. Cheating is just as good as winning fair-and-square. I'm so proud of you!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Well, they didn't ask WHERE you got the white shit, so technically it's not cheating.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Other David's picture
l 100+ points

As simply out of curiosity once, I had tried to lighten the colour of my poop. What I had found was an inexpensive material, originally found in China, called Kaolin. It is a fine clay, that is used (or originally was) used in Kaopectate. The original recipe called for one part each of Pectin, which is based on a fruit sugar. This is found in many fruits. (Now the main active ingredient of Kaopectate is Bismuth Subsalicylate). Pectin is used as an asorbant within the intestinal tract as to asorb the excess water that leads to diarrhoea.

WARNING:
Do NOT use too much pectin, as it could cause serious constipation or bowel obstruction! However, one tenth part with a litre of water well mixed, should lighten the stools significantly, without harding the faeces.
At least it worked with me.

scooby poo's picture

i've said the whole time, just drink some maalox, i shit white every time i take that stuff

the shit reaper's picture

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

p.s. - you still cheated

Marcos's picture

was this shit translated on babelfish?

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I believe it. Good job, Bex. I was rooting for you even though you did not use my idea of an old dog poop shoved up the arse.

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

interesting. i'd be more impressed if she actually pooped a white poop, though. instead of making a fake one.

i love poop.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I don't know. She sounds like a pretty trustworthy gal to me.

Logjam

The Holy Shitter's picture
l 100+ points

I smell bullshit. That whole story sounds like a lie to me.

Bex's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Editor's note: I emailed Bex and asked her how it went. This is her response.



Sorry for the delay! I won the 60 quid! i lied and said i was drinking 10 pints of milk a day and eating nothing but white food. Then for my 11 and a half hour shift at the pub i hid a stool made form 2 parts flour 1 part water and about 6 gravy granules in my sock, also smuggling a small pack of flour for emergencies in an inside pocket of my jeans. At the end of my shift i had to empty all of my exterior pockets and take off my shoes to prove i wasn't cheating, then i went into the ladies with a plastic tub....



When i got there i discovered that my stool had to turned to an off white goo resembling diarohhea (probably spelt wrong) so i put it in the tub anyway, it was boiling cos it had been in my sock all day, then, as i wasn't given a chapperone, i was able to mix my spare flour with water in the sink and form a little hard stool....



On emerging from the lav, tub in hand, i explained that the small hard stool came out first and all that followed was sloppy due to the platefuls of cauliflour i had consumed the day before. Everyone was so minged out by it they didn't want to breathe in near it and so didn't notice it was odourless (i was gonna use stink bombs in the mixture bit the smell was too strong). My disgusting boss put his hand under the bottom of the tub and realised it was actually warm, was so freaked out he wouldnt then go near it!!



I had a slight bit of arguing for my case as it wasn't brilliant white but he paid up in the end!!! If i get hold of the photos he took I'll send ya one! There was an amazing wrethching performance on my part too which helped! So if anyone wants to win a bet for the case of white poo, thats the way to do it!

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

I remember when I was in 4th grade, my friends told me that eating lots of tapioca pudding can cause white diarhea.

Will diarehea be worth as much as a solid log?

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

so....what happened? did Bex even read these responses? did he/she try any of them? i wanna know!

i love poop.

Rectal Inversion's picture

I know for a fact that drinking a LOT of milk WILL make your turd white. It has to be a lot of calcium. I know because when I was about 9 years old I drank several glasses of milk a day, trying to grow bigger. About 3 days later, I shit a turd that was half white, half brown. Also, that same year I ate some Azalea leaves, laughing al the while, and shit a green poop. That warped my mind.

Turd77's picture

eat a white turd................duh

Sharty_Jones's picture

Barium Milkshake is the best way as mentioned above. I had an Upper GI once and had to drink one of those shake's. Made my turd as white as powder.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I produced a white turd once when I was a teenager after downing half a bottle of Milk Of Magnesia. Looked exactly like a regular turd, except it was albino.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

shitass's picture

Hypnotise yourself so that you think that everyone else looks like house cats with human faces, then shit in a teacup, dance around in your neighbor's front yard with you pants down singing "the poopie song" (feel free to make up lyrics that include the words "I am my own penis!") at the top of your lungs. crack a few eggs on yor head and then hump a tree trunk. point dramatically at your ass and fart if you can. Finally insult the police when they show up and tell them that you're going to "fuck them up".

This is guaranteed to work. trust me. just do it.

Sepult's picture

eat a box of cleanex it works for my dog

Ulala's picture

Forget the color, I think I'd have problems being able to poo on cue like that!
"Oh look, work shift's over, time to shit!"

reLAXing's picture

Do you have marshmallows in England? I lived there for two years and I don't ever remember seeing them...hmm...

I think if you can't manage to get a white poo from eating only those for the next few days then if you at least take a giant stinky poo, the flush, then crew up a bunch of white marshmallows and spit them into the toilet, the call your boss in and let him see (and smell) the poo before you "get all embarrassed" and flush it before he can look too hard.

whew.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Bex, You are a stallion. Betting on your poop without any idea of how to score is the manliest thing I have heard in a long time (actually, the simple act of betting on poop is wonderful). You've got some good advice above: Eat white playdoh and you will crap white. Drink plenty of water with your playdoh though as playdoh is a dessicant and may block you up, thereby foiling your bet.

I have a large family and therefor, alot of bizarre eating/pooping experience. Eating chalk will turn your crud a very light baby-blue. You don't have to eat much and it will turn everything else white-blue, all the spam, jam, and asparagus you eat will be affected. This may be useful if you want to lighten up the hue of your turds, but don't want eat alot of playdoh.

High gloss paper will come out white too, chop it up good though, a paper-plug is tough to explain to the doctor.

But the BEST way to make white crap is to consume white crayons (Crayola is best - make sure you at least get "non-toxic" sticks). The wax is completely non-digestable and comes out your butt exactly as it enters your throat. Peel the paper off first. By the way, crayons don't just work for white. We used to feed crayons to my little cousin (he survived) and then laugh when my aunt would complain of his technicolor diaper-deposits. The only drawback to crayons is that they will not color the rest of what you ate (see "chalk" above). So you have to eat alot of them and there is only one white one per box, though some art supply stores will sell boxes of single colors. They are a bit tough to eat, ketchup will make them more pallatable.

Good luck and keep in mind: DungDaddy is not a doctor and will not be held responsible for your illness or death resulting from following the above suggestions.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Find a nice big dog turd that has turned white while sitting in the park for a week. Cram it up your ass and drink a bunch of water. After a few hours, it should come out nice and moist. You should have made the bet for more money.

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Marcos's picture

You have to eat white out... duh...

Scooby Poo's picture

i maintain that drinking just the recommended dose of maalox will give you white shit. i know this because every time i've ever had to take the stuff, my shit has been white

Christine's picture

When my best friends daughter was 3 years old she drank almost an entire gallon of milk in one day. The next day her poop was pure white! She was little, so I'm thinking you'd need a lot more, but that'd probably do the trick.

Turdmatic 6000's picture

Eating the Play-Doh won't give you a white turd. That stuff is almost entirely flour, water and salt--you'll digest it and convert it to the usual brownness. No, if the ass is where you want the Play-Doh poop to exit, that's where it'll have to enter.

1 more possibility (OK, so it's late): I've noticed that poop left in the toilet for long enough leaches its color into the water and takes on a kind of ashen tinge. Maybe all you have to do is drop a brown one beforehand and let it soak itself white? I don't know how long it would take to turn white as deep as the boss's sampling process is likely to expose, or how well the turd would keep its shape--but it's worth a shot.

tronald dump's picture

You've got a point. Okay, how about you just grease up a peeled underripe bannana and cram it in your dungpipe then shit it out on cue.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I think it was Poop Diddy who actually achieved a white poop. He did it by eating a whole box of ice cream cones. Wasn't that it, Poop Diddy?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

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