Ask Poopreport: Vertical Or Horizontal Bidet Spray?


We are doing a bathroom remodel and are lucky enough to have space for a standalone bidet. I'm mystified, though, as to whether to choose a vertical or horizontal spray. It is a sensitive topic and it's not like we can try one out in the plumbing showroom. And given that we live in the U.S., there are probably no working bidets within a hundred miles that we could discreetly demo.

My main concern is how to clean the target area without having water sprayed from that area up into my girlie bits. I understand that one can sit on the bidet either facing toward or away from the controls. Perhaps a horizontal spray would be best, thus allowing me to face the spray in such a way that the water stream would hit the target area from front to back?

For those who might suggest a Toto Washlet: We have given it careful thought, and have even seen one in action, but have decided that a traditional bidet would offer more flexibility for cleaning both the male and female target areas.

I'm hoping the friendly and sophisticated international PoopReport community can come to the rescue with advice.

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15 Comments on "Ask Poopreport: Vertical Or Horizontal Bidet Spray?"

Anonymous's picture

I like girlie bits yummm :)

Anonymous's picture

As the original poster, and with all due respect to editorial privileges at PoopReport, I have a correction to make. The second paragraph should begin:

"My main concern is how to clean the target area without having water sprayed from that area up into my girlie bits."

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I have no girlie bits, but I'd be afraid of the horizontal spray turning my yam sack into Sugar Ray Leonard's speed bag.

Hope you weren't eating breakfast ipod201.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Damn PD, I had just taken a leftover sweet potato from my fridge for breakfast. Guess I'll have this chocolate encrusted doughnut instead.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

admin's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


Anonymous's picture


El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Bidets are wonderful things, whichever way their fountains flow. Personally, I would choose a vertical, and although I have no girlie bits to consider, I imagine that it would be the most accurate and effective. You'll be able to position the jet more precisely against the target area, I'm sure. Though your fears of contamination from the sewage outlet to the neighbouring playground are understandable, the jet isn't powerful enough to nudge detritus into your sausage wallet.

Try one and see.

I'd invite you to try mine, but sadly Scumbag Manor does not contain such sophisticated ablutory apparatus. However, there is an abundant supply of wet wipes for those especially messy occasions.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Bidet? Who needs a bidet? If gawd had meant you to wash your ass after taking a dump, he would have put it on a roll and mounted it to the wall by the toilet instead of forcing you to lift your soiled ass off the toilet and then skooch over to the bidet where your butt gets hammered by ground temperature water.

I have never and will never use a bidet, especially not if I happen to be in upstate Michigan in the dead of winter. It's cold enough there. I don't need to turn my ass into a frozen buttsickle.

Frankly, I thinking this whole nonsense about cleaning your ass after you take a dump is a French Communist plot and I'm not having any part of it.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Anonymous's picture

Your crack is vertical therefore your asswash spray should be vertical as well.

Anonymous's picture

Dear AC who posted above. Thanks to an unfortunate accident with a chainsaw my butt cracks (note the plural) are both vertical and horizontal. The two cracks both intersect at my pooper hole. Which direction should my spray be adjusted in your learned opinion?

Paul Bunyon

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

So Paul you dumbass, you fell for the old running chainsaw on the bar stool trick? You're about as thick as a redwood trunk. Try hovering over one of those rotary sprinklers to get your nasty cracks clean.

Anonymous's picture

Thank you Mr. Doggin for your wonderful advice. Why don't you come over and have dinner with me tonight. Thanks to another unfortunate chainsaw incident we will be having big blue steaks.

Your pal,

Paul Bunyon

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Thank you for your kind invitation Paulie, but you are forgetting I'm a small rodent that lives in burrows and eats insects and roots. However, if Mrs. B will be wearing something hot, I may reconsider.

Your friend,

Anonymous's picture

Mr. Doggin, Mrs. B. will be wearing her overalls with the flap in the rear. She wants to confirm your species. You're not a gerbil by any chance are you?

Your pal,

P. Bunyon

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I was the one who changed that sentence. The term "girlie bits" was used to death in the original copy. It just got to me. Sorry.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

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