Ask Poopreport: Long Turds?

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m 1+ points - Newb
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0

I don't know how to say this so I'll just come out and say it: I poop long turds. Like, really long. Over a foot long during a normal poop. Sometimes, if I've eaten alot, I will poop turds a foot-and-a-half long. They are usually rather thin, and they never break; they just wrap around the bottom of the bowl.

Does anyone else poop turds this long, and should I be worried? I don't clog the toilet too much, but I never know when I will in the future, so every time I poop at someone else's house I worry.

58 Comments on "Ask Poopreport: Long Turds?"

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

A foot and a half long turd?!?! I envy you.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

As long as the stools aren't causing discomfort and are somewhat slimy, i wouldn't worry too much. Check out the Bristol Stool Scale for a brief overview of stool consistency. Like a perfectly formed snow cone, be proud of your production. 11/2 feet, WOW!...s-s-snakey poos.

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Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Anonymous Coward's picture

You don't have a problem. You need a medal, a degree and should teach a college course. I wish I could expel that much at once, it must feel heavenly afterwards.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

My morning turdage was an estimated 14 inches and rather plump but, unfortunately, broke into three equal lengths after leaving my ringpiece.


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Lately, mine have been really soft and amorphous. I kind of wish they were a little more solid, but hey, as long as I'm not backed up, I'm not too worried.


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An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

ChrisM's picture
l 100+ points

I sat down on the crapper at work today, and this foot-long monster blew out of my ass with rocket propulsion. This was followed by a volume of gas that probably displaced a significant percentage of the air in the building and almost certainly damaged the produce section that was about twenty feet away. Unfortunately, I was ill-equipped for such an explosion since I don't happen to be Goatse, so it hurt like a sonofabitch. There wasn't any tearing that I could detect, but I'm still rather disinclined to sit on any hard surface for a while.

_______
The ChrisM virus is incompatible with your current operating system. Your system will now be rebooted into DOS and return to the virus.

The ChrisM virus is incompatible with your current operating system. Your system will now be rebooted into DOS and return to the virus.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

My turds vary, but I have done some long ones; a couple of days ago I had a 14" one that stayed intact into the water, and I've had longer ones in the past. There is a poll elsewhere on this site entitled "The longest turd you've ever had was . . ." with lots of responses. As for you, Steffany, keep them coming and be thankful; you apparently have a healthy digestive system, which is not something to take for granted. Poop on!

Speedpooper's picture
l 100+ points

I don't think I ever poop out anything LESS than a foot long, and I can easily exceed 2 feet if it's been a full 24 hours between poops. It's been this way all my life, and I have no health problems at all.

shitsogood's picture

Nobody shits a foot and a half long turd. Nobody.

Frank Benway's picture
l 100+ points

I'm rather inconsistent. Some days, peanut butter-like million wipers. Others can vary from stout 10 inch grogans, to baby snakes, to cake batter, to fart-laden diarrhea " echo blasters".

Sitting Wiper's picture

364/365 days a year, I should think mine disintegrate as soon as they plop into the water. I have a high fibre diet, plenty of fruit and vegetables, and plenty of liguid (alcohol only occasionally). Water is a good lubricant.

My sons think it is the most important activity of the day - getting this right means other things are right.

I don't worry about the shape, length or density. It does mean that I use quite a lot of toilet paper (as my sons also do.) But I, and my sons, enjoy the daily post-breakfast activity, and have a sense of well-being afterwards.

Speedpooper's picture
l 100+ points

Sogood, you need to wake up and smell the feces. 18'' turds are nothing. I do it all the time, and my younger brother has been doing it since he was 6 years old. I still vividly remember one time when he was 7 years old, when he ran out of the bathroom laughing hysterically. After he caught his breath enough to tell me what was so funny, he started yelling 'Magic Lasso! I pooped out a magic lasso!'

He insisted I come into the bathroom and see what I was talking about. I, of course, was eager to comply, since I was sure I was going to see something hilarious. I thought he meant he had eaten some rope or something, and pooped it out. But the truth was even more funny. He had pooped out a solid turd about the diameter of an adult male big toe. One end was firmly planted down the flush-hole, and it was so long that it went all the way up to the front of the bowl, where there is kind of like a 'shelf' of exposed porcelain above the water line. The last 7 or so inches of turd that were above the water line had curled around to form a loop, which did indeed give the suggestion of being a lasso. (I'm sure that he called it the magic lasso because of the fact that the Superfriends cartoon was something we both watched religiously at the time, and of course Wonder Woman carried a 'magic lasso,' although I'm sure hers was less messy and smelly.

Outdoor Tom's picture

Usually I do not make cables. The stools tend to break up before hitting the water in the bowl. But when outside squatting on the ground I often get a long cablelike turd. I have just been on a two week hike and noted just that. Then I also mostly did it in the early morning and the stools were smoother than usual. (Usually I tend to go after lunch.) Perhaps also the physical activity made it make the trip through the colon faster? Pity that I did not measure it but I am quite sure that it typically was around 30 cm long.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I think most of us drop churro turds from time to time.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Speak for yourself gringo AC, I only extrude chorizo turds.

Rocio Colette Acuña Calzada


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Weird under-tens's picture

Yes, Outdoor Tom, I think the absence of water can stop the disintegration. I have always enjoyed listing to the plop-plop-plopperty-plop into the toilet water, and my sculpture is rather boring. But when having sometimes to squat, when camping in the hills or on an early morning walk - or sit over a horizontal log (the wooden kind) - I have produced a curled-up snake.

But you have reminded me of when I was a slip of a lad. My best school pal and I spent time at each other's houses during school holidays, when our mums were working in the mornings. We both had chores to do for our mothers, and other interests, and we were expected to keep the houses tidy.

We were aged 9 (today it would perhaps not be legal to leave children alone like that) but there was a neighbour next door who kept an eye on things.

One thing we sometimes did which was a bit kinky - watching each other sit on the toilet. Instead of doing number 2 at the normal time, straight after breakfast, we would 'hold it in' and go into the bathroom together of which house we were in. One sat on the toilet, and the other would watch, sitting on the side of the bath. Before wiping, we got up to let the other one look at the shape. I think we sometimes deliberately pretended that it was hard to come out, and would grunt, and the other one would say 'What did the chicken say when it laid a square egg?' and the other would say 'OOOOhh'

Usually, if it was medium in texture, it would be worth looking at.

But never anything as dramtic as that of Speed Pooper's little brother.

We liked the outdoors, and climbing hills, and sometimes went a walk into the woods and got off the beaten track and dropped our trousers or shorts there - and sometimes where everything dropped onto dry ground, you sometimes produced a snake.

We met up recently, and had a chat about old times. My pal said it was a pity we hadn't got digital cameras. We went to different schools and saw less of each other, and that weird activity had stopped by the time we were 11. There was never anything of a sexual nature.

Now I've been answering the phone and also doing eamils for 5 hours. I've delayed my daily 'drop trou' by 4 hours; toilet roll must be replenished.

Cheers

Anonymous Coward's picture

Those foot-long monsters are good. There's nothing more satisfying than depositing a foot-long two-inch diameter monster in the pan. You have to sit there for a few minutes afterwards while your internal organs re-arrange themselves with all that new-found space.

Outdoor Tom's picture

Today my wife and I looked at pictures and spoke about our hike as I mentioned above. Of some or another reason we commented the lack of toilet facilities along the route. We were hiking for 2 weeks and the group was quite large (30+ participants). Certainly not possible to keep privacy standards at ordinary level. My wife and I are used to outdoor activities and to us it was no real problem. But my wife had invited a foreign colleague to join us. My wife told me that this friend really struggled. She was not used to outdoor life and got quite constipated. Then I commented upon my own quite normal functions and my wife replied that she also had noted that she made smoother and longer turds when squatting than when sitting on an ordinary bowl at home or at work. She told that she could remember that phenomenon as long back as when she was a teen-ager and girl scout.

ChrisM's picture
l 100+ points

It's not surprising that squatting gives better results. It's the default crapping position for our physiology. It's just that a good old toilet makes it so much easier to read. :)

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Anonymous's picture

Oh I'm a 5'2 girl and I swear I just pooped a yard stick!!

Anonymous's picture

Just made a masterpiece, went from up one side of the bowl to the other, Nice consistency, one piece, pretty thick but evenly proportioned. I feel like Stan's dad right about now. Best crap ever.

Anonymous's picture

I've never pooped more than a foot long before, but after three days of eating homemade eggplant and mushroom curry (because there's nothing else in the fridge), I made this two-footer, perfect girth and texture. Now I see the advantage of a vegetarian diet, but I do love my red meat.

Anonymous's picture

I had a turd that was at least two feet long once. I was drinking a lot of coffee and carrot juice.

Anonymous's picture

I'm a very regular type of fella. I am able to produce what I call brown anacondas on a regular basis. They are either straight and about 2 ft long and 2 1/2 inches wide and tapered on the end; With one end either extending well down into the bottom towards the trap and the other end protruding out of the water like a snakes head peeping out. Or I have what I call the wrapper. It coils around the bowl with a portion forced into the descending pipe and does two coils around and again comes to the top of the water. As a younger man in college, we'd do pranks to pledges and show them a masterpiece of mine in the water, and then blindfold them to reach into the other toilet beside which held a banana, and tell them to pull it out. The looks of disgust and yet amazement to those poor lads was priceless. Mostly as they would look at one of my reptilian replica's and say with astonishment..Holy Shit!?? is that real!? to which most would say " yea....pretty unbelievable huh?! Oh...well what is interesting further about these large deposits, is that they were more likely to be ghost shits too! They were big, long and never much left a stain on my o ring to even clean off which amazed me. HOw do you shit that big of a thing and there is no evidence on the TP. hence the ghost shit " did it really happen?" One look and confirmation was " hell yeah it did!" .

Anonymous's picture

Okay so today I had a poo that made myself proud, it was huge, about a foot and half long, and thick, and didn't break. It did clog the toilet (that was the down side) and it felt amazing to finally get it all out. The odd thing is I have been pooing regular for the past few days so I am not sure where this stored up poo came from but OMG did it amaze me and make me proud.

Anonymous's picture

Can you please tell me how you do it in general and does that include supplements? I've had a few that were 18 inches and one that was maybe 24+ inches but I'm not sure exactly what I did. I think it involved tea with senna but they say I shouldn't drink that everyday and I've also tried to duplicate it eating the same foods but it doesn't appear to work. My guess is that I had a lot of food the previous day and finished dinner early and maybe some exercise and good sleep. Anyway I'd appreciate any advice.

Anonymous's picture

I'm just an old guy who constantly monitors his poop as an excellent health indicator. Usually after 48 hours or so it's time to let'er rip. It is common for the first part out to be much harder than the rest and is like a cluster of round jewels 3/4" to 1-1/4" in diameter. The texture and sometimes the color will change but,(butt), never had reason to think maybe there was some blood. To get that bad boy goin' usually takes some heavy duty booty pushing. You know, the kind that causes you to grunt. What a luxury to lift one's voice in song with no fear of repercussions as would be the case in a public bathroom. I'm glad to shine a little light on an issue, (pun intended), which usually stays hidden in the shadows of our western culture. Now then, on the other side of the world India has the deSTINKtion of being the open defecation capital of the world which may be a worth while destination for spiritual enlightenment and an excellent place to study the topic at hand VIA observation. Happy trails to you and always be safe. Remember, skid marks can be a sign of danger.

Anonymous's picture

My goodness! I have never pooped that long but today I'm sure I pooped about a foot long! I was checking online to see if thats a health problem, since I'm only 12.

Anonymous's picture

I have the same every single morning ever since I have been taking 30 billion probiotic, one per day, first thing in the morning I do is drink one cup of warm water with one tsp. honey and lemon juice, also, I eat one handful of nuts over day and this is what works for me. Quite amazing and a very robust feeling. Each morning I go on the treadmill and drink ice water and that is when this wonderful phenomena takes place.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

"Each morning I go on the treadmill and drink ice water and that is when this wonderful phenomena takes place."

You really should try to make it to the bathroom, a long turd on your treadmill could make it slippery and possibly cause an accident.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture

That was funny. Laughing is another helpful way to loosen our turds...

Anonymous's picture

Second post:

I've learned a lot of good things on this site. You good people really know your shit! Thanks a whole pant load!!

First post on 5/18/2015 @5:03

Anonymous's picture

That was so funny. Laughter also helps stimulate a good turd.

Anonymous's picture

Is this site Comedy Central? Or, is it the poop central? A good laugh a day keeps the poop doctor away.

Poop on to all my fellow poopers.

Anonymous's picture

I just pooped a yard stick. Taking a happy pooper bow. Stand tall all of your proud poopers.

Sincerely,
Happy pants

Anonymous's picture

IF it's very thin, like pencil thickness, it could be an indication of an obstruction.

Anonymous's picture

Yea, it's just the old fart again. Health has been fine as of late. It's just that these discussions on the Poopreport have changed my concept of clinical terms and associations. Only here can I divulge the most personal of topics and not worry about being judged. I've come to realize why after checking in with this site I always get a craving for a large A&W root beer and a foot long with the works. I believe it is subliminal at best, or, it could be some brain damage from pushing to hard just trying to impress my friends here! It is always a warm feeling deep down inside, if you know what I mean, after checkin' in with you guys on the latest scuttlebutt...

Anonymous's picture

Forgot to mention my recent discovery as to why turds almost always have tapered ends. It is an evolutional mutation thing meant to keep the rectum from slamming shut. The medical term, I looked it up on Wikipedia, is redundant rectal wrecking or RRWR in the medical community. Just the old fart checkin' in again. Skid marks rule!!

Anonymous's picture

Proud of a foot long? Really?
Come on folks,it doesn't count if it doesn't coil!
I am a lady that can tell you in my family it is typical to have poops that are 2-4 feet long every day.
Yap, no exaggeration.
Hardly any push is needed, just sit down when the urge strikes and it slides out all in one piece.
Yes my husband almost fainted when he demanded proof and viewed my poop the first time.
He said in all his time of playing international sports no guy had ever done anything like that.
Thought it was amazing that his wife could do this as a normal morning poop.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear Anonymous,

I have no doubts that you are able to pump out loaves as long as you claim but what about girth? I once stuffed on papayas and later made a pudding consistency poo that was several feet long but only about the diameter of a stream of toothpaste.

Girth-wise my poor asshole has extruded a few grogans that were as fat as a two liter soda bottle. Thankfully they were not particularly long and I was very happy when the part that tapers came along.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture

Oh man! I had one of those today. It was like 14 inches long and it did break but it was perfect in consistency. After I got up from the throne I looked at myself in the mirror and said "Good job! THAT FELT GREAT" it doesn't happen too often but when it does, I am elated.

Anonymous's picture

That's a lie. I have

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear Anonymous, I am totally mystified by your comment above,

"That's a lie. I have"

Would you please come back and explain it. What's a lie and what on earth have you done?

We await you reply with bated breath.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture

I had two ft came out like a rocket eight inches in circumference. Three weeks before had heart attack. Is it the meds?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Your torpedo tube must be immense, I can only say ouch!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture

Mine just came out and it's just short of TWO FEET! (22 inches to be exact, hence the reason I looked up this subject on Google. I'll let you imagine what I typed in as the search!!!;-0 )
Apparently, really long turds aren't only common, but if there tired comes out, ummm, smoothly, and the color is what is considered to be "good" then it's actually a very healthy turd! Who knew??

Anonymous's picture

I just shit a torpedo! Solid, thick and very long. Thought I was going to burst a blood vessel on my forehead I was straining so hard to get that one out. Ouch!

Anonymous's picture

@Anonymous on Fri, 05/01/2015 - 08:36.

"Can you please tell me how you do it in general and does that include supplements?"

Out of circumstances, I changed my diet and now eat 1 lb or more of vegetables a day. I will eat meat and starches as well, but that didn't change as dramatically. I'll add in normal junk food like cookies and chips etc. I rarely drink alcohol and drink coffee inconsistently. I'll drink around 3 liters of mostly water and some sports drinks. I'm in my 40's, male and 175 lbs and 5' 10"

For my body, it's the mass consumption of vegetables that makes my poops larger and consistently, usually within 1 hour of waking up I'll have a good sized soft light brown 1-2 foot poop that's approx 1+ inch in diameter. If it's a smaller volume of poop than that, I'll usually go again sometime later that day.

My vegetables: string beans, spinach, seaweed, Korean radish, bean sprouts, carrots, zucchini, kimchi (cabbage) , cucumber. All are either blanched and/or marinated.

At times, I've gotten lazy, eaten out at restaurants and not cooked + eaten vegetables at home and definitely seen changes in my poop.

of course, only one persons
example.

Anonymous's picture

I had surgery and was on pain meds - then antibiotics. My lower intestine had been sour, gaseous, burning, etc - not my stomach but the lower end of the intestines. I took a laxative 24 hours ago and it just hit. I first lost a 15 inch turd flushed then filled the bowl 2/3rds of the way full with not very solid shit. I now feel better. I must have been backed up for weeks. I have never seen the likes before. Probably 20 pounds. I am now sweating from head to toe - it was that much work - now to stop - imodium when I am empty - probably not good - I am a 64 tear old male - all I can say is whew.

Anonymous's picture

Dear fellow poopers,
I have come to the conclusion that NUTS are the ticket to success. Drink plenty of water throughout the day with a handful of any sort of NUTS and experience the cause and effect of this daily habit.

Poop on!

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