Ask Poopreport: Long Turds?

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m 1+ points - Newb
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I don't know how to say this so I'll just come out and say it: I poop long turds. Like, really long. Over a foot long during a normal poop. Sometimes, if I've eaten alot, I will poop turds a foot-and-a-half long. They are usually rather thin, and they never break; they just wrap around the bottom of the bowl.

Does anyone else poop turds this long, and should I be worried? I don't clog the toilet too much, but I never know when I will in the future, so every time I poop at someone else's house I worry.

23 Comments on "Ask Poopreport: Long Turds?"

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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A foot and a half long turd?!?! I envy you.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points
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As long as the stools aren't causing discomfort and are somewhat slimy, i wouldn't worry too much. Check out the Bristol Stool Scale for a brief overview of stool consistency. Like a perfectly formed snow cone, be proud of your production. 11/2 feet, WOW!...s-s-snakey poos.

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Anonymous Coward's picture
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You don't have a problem. You need a medal, a degree and should teach a college course. I wish I could expel that much at once, it must feel heavenly afterwards.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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My morning turdage was an estimated 14 inches and rather plump but, unfortunately, broke into three equal lengths after leaving my ringpiece.


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Lately, mine have been really soft and amorphous. I kind of wish they were a little more solid, but hey, as long as I'm not backed up, I'm not too worried.


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An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

ChrisM's picture
l 100+ points
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I sat down on the crapper at work today, and this foot-long monster blew out of my ass with rocket propulsion. This was followed by a volume of gas that probably displaced a significant percentage of the air in the building and almost certainly damaged the produce section that was about twenty feet away. Unfortunately, I was ill-equipped for such an explosion since I don't happen to be Goatse, so it hurt like a sonofabitch. There wasn't any tearing that I could detect, but I'm still rather disinclined to sit on any hard surface for a while.

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MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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My turds vary, but I have done some long ones; a couple of days ago I had a 14" one that stayed intact into the water, and I've had longer ones in the past. There is a poll elsewhere on this site entitled "The longest turd you've ever had was . . ." with lots of responses. As for you, Steffany, keep them coming and be thankful; you apparently have a healthy digestive system, which is not something to take for granted. Poop on!

Speedpooper's picture
l 100+ points
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I don't think I ever poop out anything LESS than a foot long, and I can easily exceed 2 feet if it's been a full 24 hours between poops. It's been this way all my life, and I have no health problems at all.

shitsogood's picture
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Nobody shits a foot and a half long turd. Nobody.

Frank Benway's picture
l 100+ points
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I'm rather inconsistent. Some days, peanut butter-like million wipers. Others can vary from stout 10 inch grogans, to baby snakes, to cake batter, to fart-laden diarrhea " echo blasters".

Sitting Wiper's picture
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364/365 days a year, I should think mine disintegrate as soon as they plop into the water. I have a high fibre diet, plenty of fruit and vegetables, and plenty of liguid (alcohol only occasionally). Water is a good lubricant.

My sons think it is the most important activity of the day - getting this right means other things are right.

I don't worry about the shape, length or density. It does mean that I use quite a lot of toilet paper (as my sons also do.) But I, and my sons, enjoy the daily post-breakfast activity, and have a sense of well-being afterwards.

Speedpooper's picture
l 100+ points
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Sogood, you need to wake up and smell the feces. 18'' turds are nothing. I do it all the time, and my younger brother has been doing it since he was 6 years old. I still vividly remember one time when he was 7 years old, when he ran out of the bathroom laughing hysterically. After he caught his breath enough to tell me what was so funny, he started yelling 'Magic Lasso! I pooped out a magic lasso!'

He insisted I come into the bathroom and see what I was talking about. I, of course, was eager to comply, since I was sure I was going to see something hilarious. I thought he meant he had eaten some rope or something, and pooped it out. But the truth was even more funny. He had pooped out a solid turd about the diameter of an adult male big toe. One end was firmly planted down the flush-hole, and it was so long that it went all the way up to the front of the bowl, where there is kind of like a 'shelf' of exposed porcelain above the water line. The last 7 or so inches of turd that were above the water line had curled around to form a loop, which did indeed give the suggestion of being a lasso. (I'm sure that he called it the magic lasso because of the fact that the Superfriends cartoon was something we both watched religiously at the time, and of course Wonder Woman carried a 'magic lasso,' although I'm sure hers was less messy and smelly.

Outdoor Tom's picture
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Usually I do not make cables. The stools tend to break up before hitting the water in the bowl. But when outside squatting on the ground I often get a long cablelike turd. I have just been on a two week hike and noted just that. Then I also mostly did it in the early morning and the stools were smoother than usual. (Usually I tend to go after lunch.) Perhaps also the physical activity made it make the trip through the colon faster? Pity that I did not measure it but I am quite sure that it typically was around 30 cm long.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I think most of us drop churro turds from time to time.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Speak for yourself gringo AC, I only extrude chorizo turds.

Rocio Colette Acuña Calzada


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Weird under-tens's picture
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Yes, Outdoor Tom, I think the absence of water can stop the disintegration. I have always enjoyed listing to the plop-plop-plopperty-plop into the toilet water, and my sculpture is rather boring. But when having sometimes to squat, when camping in the hills or on an early morning walk - or sit over a horizontal log (the wooden kind) - I have produced a curled-up snake.

But you have reminded me of when I was a slip of a lad. My best school pal and I spent time at each other's houses during school holidays, when our mums were working in the mornings. We both had chores to do for our mothers, and other interests, and we were expected to keep the houses tidy.

We were aged 9 (today it would perhaps not be legal to leave children alone like that) but there was a neighbour next door who kept an eye on things.

One thing we sometimes did which was a bit kinky - watching each other sit on the toilet. Instead of doing number 2 at the normal time, straight after breakfast, we would 'hold it in' and go into the bathroom together of which house we were in. One sat on the toilet, and the other would watch, sitting on the side of the bath. Before wiping, we got up to let the other one look at the shape. I think we sometimes deliberately pretended that it was hard to come out, and would grunt, and the other one would say 'What did the chicken say when it laid a square egg?' and the other would say 'OOOOhh'

Usually, if it was medium in texture, it would be worth looking at.

But never anything as dramtic as that of Speed Pooper's little brother.

We liked the outdoors, and climbing hills, and sometimes went a walk into the woods and got off the beaten track and dropped our trousers or shorts there - and sometimes where everything dropped onto dry ground, you sometimes produced a snake.

We met up recently, and had a chat about old times. My pal said it was a pity we hadn't got digital cameras. We went to different schools and saw less of each other, and that weird activity had stopped by the time we were 11. There was never anything of a sexual nature.

Now I've been answering the phone and also doing eamils for 5 hours. I've delayed my daily 'drop trou' by 4 hours; toilet roll must be replenished.

Cheers

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Those foot-long monsters are good. There's nothing more satisfying than depositing a foot-long two-inch diameter monster in the pan. You have to sit there for a few minutes afterwards while your internal organs re-arrange themselves with all that new-found space.

Outdoor Tom's picture
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Today my wife and I looked at pictures and spoke about our hike as I mentioned above. Of some or another reason we commented the lack of toilet facilities along the route. We were hiking for 2 weeks and the group was quite large (30+ participants). Certainly not possible to keep privacy standards at ordinary level. My wife and I are used to outdoor activities and to us it was no real problem. But my wife had invited a foreign colleague to join us. My wife told me that this friend really struggled. She was not used to outdoor life and got quite constipated. Then I commented upon my own quite normal functions and my wife replied that she also had noted that she made smoother and longer turds when squatting than when sitting on an ordinary bowl at home or at work. She told that she could remember that phenomenon as long back as when she was a teen-ager and girl scout.

ChrisM's picture
l 100+ points
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It's not surprising that squatting gives better results. It's the default crapping position for our physiology. It's just that a good old toilet makes it so much easier to read. :)

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Anonymous's picture
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Oh I'm a 5'2 girl and I swear I just pooped a yard stick!!

Anonymous's picture
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Just made a masterpiece, went from up one side of the bowl to the other, Nice consistency, one piece, pretty thick but evenly proportioned. I feel like Stan's dad right about now. Best crap ever.

Anonymous's picture
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I've never pooped more than a foot long before, but after three days of eating homemade eggplant and mushroom curry (because there's nothing else in the fridge), I made this two-footer, perfect girth and texture. Now I see the advantage of a vegetarian diet, but I do love my red meat.

Anonymous's picture
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I had a turd that was at least two feet long once. I was drinking a lot of coffee and carrot juice.