Ask PoopReport: Why Is Poop So Irritating?

// // 36 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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Editor's note: this was originally posted on
the forums
.

Dear PoopReport,

Sometimes it seems that no matter how many times I wipe, and just when I thought I got it all wiped off, I go out to walk my doggy for a bit and my anus starts itching like hell. Walking makes the itch worse for me -- which, needless to say, makes me scratch the area through my undies, resulting in some nice skidmarks. It doesn't matter whether I've eaten something spicy or not. And it happens to me particularly after taking a rather soft dump that makes a mess coming out.

This question has had me pondering for much of my life: why is it if you don't wipe thoroughly enough after a dump, the anal region gets really itchy?

36 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Why Is Poop So Irritating?"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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Here is a better question: Why don't you just wipe properly and not have to worry about an itchy ass? Take a shower, use a wet paper towel. Jesus Christ, this isn't nuclear physics.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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The crap stuck in your sphincter is causing the itchiness. Get a bidet. I'm the mean time, get in the tub after you poop and wash your anus out. Stick your finger with a wipe on it alittle ways in your sphincter and wipe out all the left over crap. Keep wiping alternating hands and alternating through the front and from the back. You know its like your teeth, you have to clean between the cracks. So get crackin' KakaPoopoo!
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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It`s not a wiping problem - your asshole itches because you have a couple of giant tapeworms up there.

The voice of sanity

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I agree with CEP.......If you get skid marks on your undies when you scratch your ass
it is rather obvious that you did not properly cleanse that asshole. This might
be understandable if you took an unexpected dump while out of the house on a shopping trip or some other excursion, but is inexcusable while at home.

The vast array of asshole cleansing devices that can be found in the modern household is limited only to the extent of your imagination. Lets see, there is; soap,
washcloths, toothbrushes, flannel wrapped
dildos, wooden dowels with felt tips, bottle
brushes, electric paint strippers, let the kids use your asshole for a target in water pistol competition, etc. etc. etc..

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

CravenMorhead's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Short answer: Poop isn't neutral. More often then not it is acidic, especially if your diet is lacking in fiber. When your failure to wipe properly leaves crap on your pooper, it gets irritated. As well there are toxins and bacteria and the like in there that isn't gong to do any good for the skin around uranus.

The solution. Wipe your ass properly. Or take dietry control of your digestive track.


_______

Always,
Craven Morhead

Always,
Craven Morhead

DR T's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Same things happens with me. I don't get the itch but I sure get skidmarks, even if I use a half roll of toilet paper!

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Maybe your ass itches even when it is clean (or should I say, IF it were clean). To find out you need to do an experiment.

On random days, clean your ass properly per the instructions of various posters above. Keep track of itching on both these clean-ass days, and your "regular" days. You probably should do this for about a month. And really, you should do this "blind," meaning that you don't know if your ass has been cleaned properly or not when you rate itchiness.

To do that, you'll need a really good friend or your mother's help. Every day your ass mate will be responsible for treating your asshole after you poop. Some days they will go through the motions of cleaning it, but leave it as you left it. And on other days (treatment), they will really clean it. (They may need to knock you out so you don't know what they've done). You then rate the itchiness each day, and after the month-long experiment, they will let you know which days were clean days, and which days were KaKapoopoo days. Compare the proportion of days of itchiness for the two conditions, using the appropriate statistical test to make sure the difference is larger than you would expect by chance alone.

Please report the results to us, as we'd like to know. And then, no matter what you find, start cleaning your ass better, because even if it isn't the cause of your itch, you probably do more than walk your dog -- like go to stores or fly on planes where there are other people who will find your smelly ass more objectionable than your dog apparently does.

Consulting fee (pro bono).

Logjam

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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I just take a shower if it gets itchy. I suggest you do the same ;)

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I recommend a cleansing agent on your last wipe. I use Noxzema (or equivalent). After normal wiping, I dab a bit of the stuff on the toilet paper, wipe it thoroughly on and into the anus (including sticking my finger--still paper covered--up into my anal canal, as far as where it opens out into my rectum), then wipe it off. Whereas I used to have itchy butt every time I had a slightly soft b.m., now the itch is very rare, no matter how spicy the food or how soft the poop. It works for me. On the rare occasions where I have an itchy anus, I simply go into the bathroom and repeat the Noxzema wipe, which almost always takes care of the itch. My anus always feels cool and clean after I do this.

doodybubble's picture
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This is some hilarious shit!! no pun intended! I am laughing from the gut! But these are serious matters! Yes washing the anus does wonders for your undies and hygiene!!

iPhone from the shitter!'s picture
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Perhaps a streched hole, not sealing and capping off brown goodies? Aghr bummer! Try using more paper, have you tried not to rush the wiping process? Double, or triple check your work after pooping ;)

Anonymous Coward's picture
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can you explain your wiping techniques? Sitting position.

a wonderous fan of poop's picture
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"wooden dowels with felt tips" WTF, Chief?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dear Wonderous fan of poop......If that doesn't do the job perhaps a wooden dowel wrapped with sandpaper would work.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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"wooden dowels with felt tips" Where I come from, we call them poo cues.

Logjam

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Courtesy of Logjam, from "Throught Vaseline Jar, Darkly"...
"I instantly leapt into the air, my legs churning like a cartoon character trying to run back to the ledge. Never had I experienced anything like this, but I knew exactly what I wanted: a row of low hedges I could straddle and run naked down to remove as quickly possible whatever it was that was sautéing my bung hole."

While not taken in context of his story, I'm sure it would be equally effective for butt itch.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points
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Lord. Buy some of those wet wipes aka diaper wipes and wipe your ass with them after wiping the major shit off with TP, then dry it off with more TP. You might even give your anus a little ream with the very tip of your finger wrapped in a wet wipe. your ass is itchy cuz it's still dirty. it's your asses way of telling you it's not as clean as it could be.
HAhaha I sound like a douche commercial!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Wipe all you want, use whatever you think is gonna do the job, but you can't kill shit fleas with TP, Wet Wipes or any other cleansing method. You need a fucking flame thrower, or napalm suppositories. Shit fleas are related to sand fleas, and anyone with any experience with THOSE buggers will tell you...
http://www.fishingthesurf.com/sand%20fleas.jpg

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Plunder's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Logjam has a great idea. To expand on that point, perhaps 1/2 of the wipy-dipes could be infused with poop and the applicator could plug his nose? That way it would be a true double-blind trial with maximum trustworthiness in the results.

Diarrhea With A Frown's picture
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get into a seductive position, like have one foot on the floor and the other foot ontop of the bathroom counter. Then hire a midget to wrap his fist in toilet paper and do a jumping uppercut against your asshole...or i guess you you can just wipe using your own hand...but you have to be in a seductive position (something that spreads the cheeks) or else it won't work.

Gaseous Glay's picture
l 100+ points
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I have to go with CEP on this one, you itch and scratch because your hygiene is insufficient. One might as well ask, "Why do I smell when I don't wipe my butt?". It might not be fair that some have smooth anal tissue and pass only one wipers while you are crinkly and always crap million wipers but that's life. You have to wash, they don't.

beerfarts4u's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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When I have one of those really big dumps that seem to require and endless amount of TP, I typically get a baby wipe (we have a 13 month old) and wipe my ass.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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You wipe with a 13 month old?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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wow, I never thought of that...beats the hell out of wiping with a cat!!!
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points
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Yeah. At least thirteen month olds don't have pointy ends.
Or do they??

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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You gotta yank off all their finger nails and toe nails first.

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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but, those would make good scrapers...maybe you can keep them and use them like the seashells...
_______
I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

The Original Grasshopper

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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You're right, maybe just yank the teeth. (13 months...do they have them??? I can't remember)

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Possibly(and I have 10 siblings. I'm practically an expert)
_______
I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

The Original Grasshopper

beerfarts4u's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Oops should have specified that I use baby wipes to wipe my ass, not the baby. Lulz

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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No apologies necessary, you've turned Bilge's life around.

Poonanza's picture
l 100+ points
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I thought nothing was better than the cat! Has Bidge betrayed himself? Or had an epiphany that would require stalking new moms/prowling at the park for?

Encylopoodia Brown's picture
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You can go for a meal without brushing your teeth. Why can you not go one dump without wiping. These are the unanswered questions of life.

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Sry, but EB, that's just disgusting.
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I have laughed my friggin ass off reading this, hey at least I won't have to worry about wiping my ass anymore

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I just wanted to say the name C Everett Poop is hilarious