Ask PoopReport: Colonoscopy Cracks

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I need help with my colonoscopy.

No, not that kind of help. Sicko. Rather: I am about to get my first colonoscopy and I am nervous. In unsettling situations, I find comfort in jokes and small talk. So can someone help me with lighthearted things to say to the doctor, the nurses, and to any curious onlookers? Don’t worry, I'm not shy. If I was, I wouldn’t be on this site.

42 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Colonoscopy Cracks"

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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Classic lines:

Ready Captain Kirk? You're about to boldly go where no man has gone before!

Did you find my car keys?

Could you write a note to my boss saying that you did NOT find my head?

You know... the last time I was in this position, there WAS alcohol involved...

Bullwinkle: "Hey Rocky! Are you going to pull a rabbit out of there?


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Doc, I`m worried, I can see both your hands and the nurse hasn`t taken the `scope out its box yet.

The voice of sanity

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points
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"You know, Doc; in Arkansas we'd now be officially married."
I said that to the colon diver during the one procedure I was conscious for (he chuckled a bit).

prarie doggin's picture
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A chuckle will be fine. I don't want them rolling on the floor. Especially if they are holding the damn contraption.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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At my last colonoscopy, I was well prepped: I had had the Fleet solution and had emptied my bowels as many times and as many ways as possible. When the instrument slid up inside, the doctor peered into the readout and said, "Well, it's clean as a whistle in there. Good job!" I tried to think of something clever to say and failed utterly. I should have said "I haven't tested the embouchure" or something similar.

Hieronymous Bowels's picture
l 100+ points
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This always reminds me of summer camp.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Wow. That feels kind of like a '57 Chevy but without the fins.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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"Father O'Malley?"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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It might get a chuckle out of him if you used a black magic marker and drew a bullseye on your bum before your procedure. Imagine what he'd do when you bent over. I know I'd laugh.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
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I'm not that coordinated. I would have to get someone to draw it for me.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Doc, you could at least buy me dinner first...

Hey, cool, a camera...is Andy Rooney around?

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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How appropriate that in the Ask PoopReport title, the center "o" in colonoscopy closed up tight as a vice and dissappeared altogether.

Logjam

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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Stick it in as far as it will go doc, my tonsils have been feeling funny too.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Hey, this doesn't look like the flight to Miami.

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
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LJ, You obviously aren't backed up that far. You're eyesight is sure good. I just hope that typo is not prophetic.

Pantload's picture
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When I had one I could watch the whole scope-cam on a screen while it was happening. I couldn't help telling the doc it looked like a bizarre Disneyland ride, except up my butt. It wasn't too painful until he got way up to what felt like my lower chest (no jokes please). Then the pressure inside became too much to manage. I found the preperation to be much more disturbing and awful. Make sure you're near a toilet the morning after prep and for the rest of the day and the next.

My doc actually had the best joke. After the procedure he said to me; "You have what your friends have been calling you for years. A perfect asshole".

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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"Thank you, sir. May I have another, please?"
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Captain Craptastic's picture
l 100+ points
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"Aren't you taking an awfully indirect route for an eye exam? This is the optometrist's office, right?"

"If you see yesterday's lunch, pass on my warmest regards, that was a great burrito!"

"Beware barking spiders lurking in there, sometimes they have wet endings."

----Captain Craptastic!!!

----Captain Craptastic!!!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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"Is that all you got? C'mon man, I'm a Claymate!"

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Pantload's picture
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What is a Claymate? A Paulinian?
_______
What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Someone once asked me what a colonoscopy felt like. I said " It feels like someone has jammed a camera up your ass and started taking pictures"

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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For Pantload....a Claymate is what Clay Aitkins calls his troop of vociferously gay fans, Clay was the runner up in American Idol a couple years ago, or maybe he won, I don't recall, and really don't care, can't stand him, not for his preferences, but he's just really fucking annoying in a Richard Simmons sort of way.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
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Do you want to be even more creeped out. He admitted he likes to bite his toe nails while watching tv.

HowleyKook's picture
l 100+ points
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Push...harder.....oooo...push harder.... oooooo....I'm almost there....don't slow down.... faster...oooooOOOOOOO!!!!


_______
Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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"what's the strangest thing you've ever found up in there?"

"has anyone ever died while under the scope?"

"can I operate the controls?"

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I wanted a Butt Light!

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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Every time the doc moves the camera deeper: "Can you hear me now?"
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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"pull my finger, oh wait, here it comes anyway"

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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Hey prairie-
when you've come back from "the pipe" you have GOT to tell us all about it! And let us know which "wise-ass-cracks" cracked the doc up the most. Better print off this page and bring it with you. maybe the good doctor has some to add to it!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

prarie doggin's picture
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Doc, no need to be gentle, I was an alter boy once.

BombsOverBowldad's picture
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Right before he makes contact with the black hole, yell "CHINESE FIRE DRILL!!", jump up and shove him over the table while donning a pair of gloves. He may not giggle much over that one though... I'm still thinking haha.

prarie doggin's picture
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Maybe, I should ask "hey doc, where were you when the revelation came to you that this is what you want to do for a living". Maybe not, I don't want to get him pissed.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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after being on this site i went to the store and this came to mind...

" BONK!!!" "i could have had a V-8!!"

"excuse me sir, would you have any GREY POUP-ON??"

fartqueen's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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i've had it done before and to tell ya the truth...they drugged me so I can't remember what happened....(hope i wasn't taken advantage of)

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Flashback! In the mothership! Hovering over area 51! Little green men!

Kay O. Pectate's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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My husband just had his done. The worst part is drinking the prep beforehand and then shitting your brains out.

As he went in for his procedure, my coworker smiled and told him, "Don't worry, you'll hardly know you've been violated."

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Hey doc.......I apologize in advance in case I shout out another doctors name in the heat of passion.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Oooops....PD...........Your procedure was months ago but you have posted no comments about it.
Some vow of secrecy with the doctor?

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
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It was quite uneventful, and since I had to pay him afterward, I guess I was a ho' for one day.
And Chief, my colon was as clean as a whistle
(and was whistling for quite some time afterward)

prarie doggin's picture
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Here you go SP.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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okay so I was nervous for my 1st time. Told the nurse to look for any rabbits while they were in there. She said last month (October) this guy had his butt painted up like a pumpkin. I was planning on having some funny thing like "Wrong way- do not enter" written on my butt but after drinking the wonderful solution, my sense of humor just wasn't there.

Speaking of solution... adding some sugar-free flavoring with apple juice as a chaser helped.