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Ask PoopReport: Healing Hemmies

Posted 08.23.2007 by doniker (1535)
Editor's note: Doniker actually sent this in way back in December of 2005. It's been buried in my inbox since. Sorry it took so long to publish -- like Doniker, I'm finally beginning to clear out the mess.


Over the last few years, I have encountered a few hemorrhoidal flare-ups. I don't understand how it happens -- after all, I am always careful not to push too hard while crapping.

The last flare-up I had occurred a few months back. It was by far the worst and longest one to date. During the first week I was so uncomfortable, it was like walking around with a golf ball covered in itching powder shoved halfway up my ass.

I tried several things to find a cure or at least gain a little relief: Preparation H, Vaseline, Tucks... nothing satisfied me. Shitting was painful and I was always paranoid something was going to rupture. And wiping... FORGET IT!! It would take fifteen wipes to just try to get my ass clean and by that time my ass was prickly raw. Not only could I never get all the shit out of my butthole, but then I would go to work and sweat, making things down below even more nasty.

Anyway, after about a month, the hemorrhoid cleared up, and my o-ring got back to its wonderful self. For the time being.

Anyone else have a hemorrhoid story? What was your remedy for relief?

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 08.23.2007

Doniker man, you HAVE to squat! Say goodbye to the sitdown toilet, find a method that works for you, but squating is the cure to hemroids!

Fudgepump (366) -- 08.23.2007

The only time I ever had one, doniker, it wasn't too big or nasty. Sometimes I'd be at work (or home), on my feet, and I'd feel it pop past the o-ring. When it was extruded it did hurt, so I'd just push it back in with my finger. Once it was tucked away, I'd concentrate on keeping the bunghole slammed shut for as long as I could. Like I said, it wasn't severely painful even when I took a dump: it was uncomfortable. I didn't try any home remedies, but like your's, it seemd to heal itself after about 3 weeks: one day I just noticed that it was gone.

Shitake (10) -- 08.23.2007

Ahhh, hemorrhoids. Just when you thought that bout of acidic diarrhea couldn't get any worse. Along with the no epidural excruciating pain, a smelly poo incident,and a torn perineum, hemorrhoids were just another bonus of giving birth to a 9.14 lb kid. Live and learn...there was definitely an epidural with the second kid. Here's my home treatment: flushable moist wipes and digital reduction. There's no way around it, they suck.

DungDaddy (1386) -- 08.23.2007

Doniker, rhoids are curable. You just have to decide if you want to suffer for weeks, or experience exquisite, mind-altering pain for about 15 minutes. Sorry I'm not very good at providing easy linkage, but if you see the page below, you will get the scientificially proven, purely factual ultra quick remedy.

What sparked this was Dave's doubt about the medical facts. See this story.

by Crapola.

I think this is what started it all. Write me a note and I'll send you the money for the peppers.

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 08.23.2007

DD, $$ for the peppers? I am afraid to ask. I'll go read the story......
Producing waste since 1967

pnuttycorn (234) -- 08.23.2007

My ex father-in-law ahd hemmies so bad he ended up in the hospital. He had a morphine drip they were so painful. I was told that it or they were the size of a large adult male thumb flange. he had surgery, abut before the surgery he was in so much pain he was delirious.

pnuttycorn (234) -- 08.23.2007

Boy my typing sucks. And my proofreading.

daphne (3613) -- 08.23.2007

Agreeing with Shitake here. My Things were 8 and 9 pounds at birth. Hemorrhoids were just part of the bargain. I cannot stress how important it is to keep them clean. Until I get around to having surgery, keeping my butt clean and eating fiber helps immensely. I think whether or not they heal may also depend on just how bad they are and what type they are.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 08.23.2007

I had a serious issue w/ hemmies after the birth of my son. I found that not eating anything except green apples for a few days helped alot. Pressure from stool in the colon makes it much worse, so you cannot ever "hold it". and don't eat either large amounts or very small amounts of food. whatever's in there needs to come out smooth and steady and not leave anything behind. this is usually a good time to fast if you can do it,, giving your butt a break from any and all action is the best way to go. Avoid the surgery if you can. I know of an 18 y/o who died from sepsis contracted post op, and if you don't clean up your diet, they will just come back. There is also a great product called Hemaway that helped alot. If you are really desperate and aren't afraid of your own body, slap on a rubber glove and do a "manual extraction" to keep yourself from straining. Laxatives and enemas can make it worse. Colonics can either make it worse or better, depending on the type and severity. Good luck.

daphne (3613) -- 08.23.2007

But you know, every type of surgery has had a victim, including little boys dying from circumcisions and people who have bled to death during tonsilectomies. If the doctor you choose is a good doctor and you take care of the post-op, the chances of dying from hemorrhoid removal via surgery must be very, very rare.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 08.24.2007

GoGirlie was 8 lbs. 0 oz., and GoBoy was 9 lbs. 3 oz.

I didn't get hemorrhoids after either birth.

daphne (3613) -- 08.24.2007

I must have gotten yours.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Fudgepump (366) -- 08.24.2007

Just reread this thread, and I noticed that I love Shitake's description of the "popping it back in..." technique - "digital reduction". Great way to describe the process!

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 08.24.2007

Daphne, Congratulations! You're today's winner of the coveted and prestigious "Coffee Spit On The Monitor" Award!

shitwit (563) -- 08.24.2007

I grew my first 'roid while preggers w/ lil' shitwit #2. Then pushing him out at 8lb 7oz caused my ring to turn inside out. It's taken about 3 months of "hitting the reset button" every time I wipe to get it mostly tucked back in.

GGG- I envy you.

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 08.24.2007

shitwit (264) -- 08.24.2007 -- "...my ring to turn inside out. It's taken about 3 months of "hitting the reset button" every time I wipe to get it mostly tucked back in."

Okay, that gets a good old-fashioned GODDAM! Gah!

Fudgepump (366) -- 08.25.2007

I liked Shitake's term...now I LOVE shitwit's: "hitting the reset button". SWEET!!

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 08.25.2007

For hemorrhoids or just a very sore anus after bad dumps, you must try BALNEOL. It comes in a little white bottle with blue letters. It is not cheap for that little bottle, but it soothes and calms like no other. A must for trips abroad and cruises. Balneol is a staple in my house.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 08.25.2007

Since I've been really into butt sex, I haven't had much trouble at all with hemmies. On the rare occasion when one has popped up, it hasn't hurt at all. It seems that repeated, gentle stretching of my poophole has had a beneficial effect beyond indulging my kinks.

C Everett Poop (651) -- 08.26.2007

Nice try Sammy. Now use your real log in and tell the truth.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 08.27.2007

thats gold cep

poo_poo_poodio (121) -- 08.28.2007

this probably sounds like a broken record, but:
a cold bidet, is the way
water fountain, that hemmi mountain
it's not crass, to spray your ass
When it's sore, spray some more.
When your hurtin' try some squirtin'
Use a butt sink, to get in the pink


_______
"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

Fudgepump (366) -- 08.28.2007

Not bad, Poodio...Also - CEP: very nice.

boobi26 (1) -- 10.14.2007

I have the same problem i guess ive never had any type of poop problem untill i went to panama and i guess its the food that messed me up but ever since then i sometimes have problem when i go i'll get these cuts cuz my stool is small...? and they get swollen and i use all the creams n they go away and come back..........help me out

Postman (348) -- 10.15.2007

I popped out a hemmorhoid a few days ago. Not really painful, just annoying. I was glad to see, after reading some of the other posts, that they usually go away on their own.

I've noticed, too, that having a hemmie seems to have changed the tone of my farts. They seem to have a much deeper, louder sound now. Has anybody else ever experienced this?

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 08.09.2008

I've had hemerrhoids off and on for years, up to cat 3. I recently discovered a few things that help prevent them and also shorten their stay when they do appear.
For one thing, the not reading on the toilet is key. It just extends the time you're in that position with your bungholio pushed outward. I'm sure that the years I spent reading on the toilet (it was a nice escape, I would stay way longer than necessary) are a huge part of why I am prone to roids now.
The other thing I do to shorten my time on the toilet is to wait until I really have to go, till I'm nearly touching cloth, as they say. (Or turtling. Or crowning.) Then I go and let whoever's been pushing at the door go on and jump out and if no one else comes right behind, I get up. I might be back in a short time, but it's better than sitting there waiting for that next poo to say goodbye to everybody on its way to the gates or whatever the hell keeps them lingering. Less time with that pressure on the o-ring...
The other thing I learned in this last episode of roids is SO helpful and seems so obvious, but it took me all these years to think of it. It's to sit just on one ass cheek so as to not be pushing the bung out. Hovering without even sitting would do the same thing, just challenging on the leg muscles. But I just got a category 3 after not having any for awhile and I'm finding that I've stopped the bleeding and stopped the thing from poking out with every poo by sitting on just the one cheek. The effect is really like the roid's gone, although I guess it's just staying inside where it's able to heal without further upset. Major breakthrough. Of keeping it from breaking through.
Another thing I do whenever possible is to barely wipe at all- just gently brush off any chunk that's hanging, then get in the shower for a very quick rinse, which is much more gentle than wiping and also cleans better, washing away any little specks that might be irritating.
Anyway, just wanted to share these things because I sure wish someone had taught me the one butt cheek sit when I was about 12 to avoid years of discomfort and secret shame.

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