What a conundrum, if you visit a doctor and he looks up your asshole and sees the eye looking back he will think you have no faith in his abilities as a physician. I would think that the eye would eventually pass in a bowel movement. I suppose you could substitute a marble until you get the eye back. Oh, when you get it back don't stick it in your mouth right away.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Don't worry. Your glass eye will eventually make it to your brown eye. Damned if I would ever use it again after that trip though.

Time to treat yourself to a new one, martin. Unless you want to be shitting on a newspaper each time and sifting through the mess, possibly for weeks, it`s not worth it.

At least when it eventually drops out, it`ll have given your guts a top class endoscopy.

It`ll also give someone a good laugh (or fright) when it finally gets through all the sewage treatment plants and back into the water system. If you live in a big city it might even pop out of someones faucet.

Let me get this straight. You don’t want to go to the doctor because if you do you fear having to fess up to your wife about letting your grandson take the blame for a previous eye-gone-missing episode? She might "ride you?" Patton would slap you silly. Forget the eye and grow yourself a spine.

Let this be a lesson for everyone-
never stick an eye in your mouth.

I smell a limerick contest. (and a stinky eyeball)

If the eyeball was blue it will be brown now and your eyes won't match. A sure give away as to where your eye has been. Get a new eyeball and spare yourself an e. coli infection of the eyesocket.

PD:

There once was an old guy named Martin
Who ate his glass eye like a Spartan
He watched his poor ass
But the eye did not pass
So now he is glassed up & fartin'

Martin, I must say this is a pretty stinky situation to be in, but you've been thru worse. Go to the doc and fess up. The roughest part will be owning up to the cause of the missing eye. Once that's over you'll feel a million times better. I would imagine if you do find the eye in your poop you'll have to sterilize it somehow, and your doc could give you advice on that. And if you're concerned about shelling out the dough to cover the cost of a new one, I was under the impression that the VA would cover this type of prosthetic device. Best of luck to you!

I could think of lots of little wise cracks to say here... but I think you've suffered enough.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

A limerick contest! Great idea. I'll post it.

BUT I JUST WON!

There once was a vet named Martin
who swallowed his glass eye whilst coughin.
So mad at his wife
for leaching his life,
he bent o’er and shot her whilst fartin.

Nice one Logjam!
One thing though:
Martin + coughin = No rhymey rhymey.
(I just don't want you to win. Sorry, man.)

Hey Di, I promise if I win to split the prize with you -- you can don the T-shirt and I'll man the whip.

Get an XL and we can both wear it.
Deal?

Deal??? Eye now on the prize, I just hung the “gone fishin” sign on my door so I could apply myself to Limerick writing – full time.

I'm afraid poor Martin may live to regret his question.

This may end up being the first time in history a turd looks back at someone who is checking out their bowel movement.

Is Motherload going to give an answer? I'm dying to know what she thinks he should do.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Dear Martin,

Try drinking some Visine. That ought to wash that sucker right out of there.

Also, before doing so you might want to take some valium so that you will be more relaxed during the evacuation. I don't want your next question to be concerning broken glass and lASSerations.

Hope you see this through soon and are able to look back on it and laugh.

Thanks for asking Motherload!
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Always looking out for number two!

I can see him telling this war story to his grandchildren (as they barf on his lap).

I thought Visine only got the RED out! Would be good if he had hemmorhoids. Motherload once again another stellar diagnosis and treatment there.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Martin, I was wondering....did you ever by any chance used to eat at truck stops in western Kentucky and traumatize small children by taking your eye out and holding it out at them as though it was getting a closer look? Mr Load had that happen to him. Just curious.
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Always looking out for number two!

Poor Martin. Whose the shlub that suggested the limerick contest?

hmmm...blamed the grandson....I take it you don't have a dog, or reserve the dog for taking fart blame?
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

I do have a dog, but it's hard to pin one of my blasts on a two pound Yorkie.

So... You rinse your glass eye with your MOUTH?!? Oh, well. I suppose there could be worse methods.

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Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

this question creeps me out on multiple levels.

Martin, if you do manage to pass it and decide to continue using it, please, for the love of god, do NOT put it in your mouth again.
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i love poop.

Wonder, I'm sure he learned his lesson. He'll probably just lick it clean next time.

Dear Martin,

After doing a bit more research on eye-swallowing, I have come to the conclusion that you are going to have to fess up to your wife and get to a doctor as soon as you can.

It seems that the average glass eye is about 22 mm (about 1 inch) in size. The pyloric sphincter located at the base of the stomach that allows food to pass through into the intestines can not usually pass objects that are larger than 3/4 of an inch.

I have discovered that it is not uncommon for people to have large foreign objects trapped in the stomach due to the inability to pass them into the intestines. Most of the time these things go undetected and cause no harm. However, stomach acid is composed mainly of hydrochloric acid which is commonly used to etch glass. I fear that if left exposed to the acid in the stomach long enough, the glass could thin enough to break into pieces that could seriously injure the inside of the stomach. This would result in a medical emergency.

This is purely speculation on my part, but I would feel much better knowing that an eye that can actually see what is going on in there look into your situation.
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Always looking out for number two!

Yikes! And if I remember rightly, ol' Marty has 3 in there? Don't screw around, Martin, get your butt to the doc!!! EDIT: Ok, so we know Martin has swallowed 1 for sure, and lost 3 total, but we don't know if he swallowed all 3. (Had to go re-read the story)
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Read it again Bilgepump, in the next to the last paragraph Martin writes: "The reason I ask is that I'd rather collect my old one than shell out the money for new one; but I don't recall passing the first two."

Martins stomach is playing marbles and the name of the game is keepsies.

You're right, Hum, missed that...in any case, Marty, if you're looking for an answer, I'd go with Mom's advice.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Motherload, your recent comment makes me think of the horrible tale my dad's girlfriend once told me of her days working as an in home nurse. It seems once old man somehow managed to swallow a whole peach pit, which got stuck on the other end. All the poop collected around it until there was this softball-sized thing in his ass. She ended up having to dig it out with her hands and a spoon. Blech!

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Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

Martin, if it does appear that the eyeball is stuck in the ring, try fitting your ass with a monocle. That way you could do Colonel Klink impersonations at parties.

I really haven't come across anyone more funny than all y'all. Funny funny funny. Where is Martin anyway? Did Martin go into the hospital to get scoped? Are you out there Martin? Y'all do you think old Martin died from 3 fecal impactions with an eyeball middle. Or the eyeballs are at the end of an oblong mishapen log with fins and a nose like a Marlin. Marlin Martin where are you? We will never find out the eyeballs killed you unless the eyes are found as the cause of death on autopsy and your story makes CNN.

Welcome back SP. Everything ok?

I am worried about Martin. He has been given stellar advice on his problem but has not answered.

HOW ARE YOU DOING MARTIN!!

Motherlodes mention of the pyloric valve makes me think of the time in Japan I was eating horumon
yaki (grilled hormones), supposed to put lead in the old pencil. Consists of many lesser used internal parts of animals. I picked up what I later learned was a pyloric valve with my chopsticks but misidentified it as an asshole and quite eating. Figured the old pencil had enough lead in it for a good nights work.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I could never figure why, in most foreign countries, the most disgusting foods are the ones that are said to help you in the "lead" department. Must be a way of getting people to eat them.

Chief, I think after seeing what he created, Martin might be in shock.

Hum Bunger: "Martins stomach is playing marbles and the name of the game is keepsies."

Thanks for my morning giggle. Too funny!

He swallowed three eyes? Not to be a dick or anything, but you think he would learn after the first one.
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I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

Three words. Fleet's...Phospho...Soda. If there is ANYTHING in your digestive tract whatsoever, consuming two full bottles of the stuff will guarantee that anything not bolted down inside your body will transmogrify itself into molten liqui-shit and be blasted into the commode of your choice (or your pants, if you don't make it that far) within minutes. I guarantee you, you'll find that wayward eyeball quick, and without all the pain and grossness associated with having to dissect your grogans every time you take a grunt 'n shove.

Just don't do some dipshit thing like taking the Fleet's and then going out for a night on the town, okay...? You WILL be upset.

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"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

Is Martin on the user list? I can't find him. He did say he's 77, maybe he grew bored of this site, although, it's hard to imagine anyone could.
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I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

Martin heard about the limerick contest and voluntarily checked himself into the witness protection program.

Again PD, I love your comments!
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I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

Thank you GPT. As I've said before it's my therapy. Mean 'ol boss all day, light hearted drunken fool all night.

Hmm. I use it to pass time-I have all day to read Poopreport. And was it you taht suggested i write a story about the shower/ass cut thing, or someone else?
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I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

I was one (of many) interested in how it happened. People don't get cut there very often.

Well, whoever suggested it, I wrote (typed) out the whole story, spared no details, and submitted it to Dave. Hopefully you'll see it soon.
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I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

it seems most people who ask Motherload questions aren't regular PR visitors. they just send in their question and wait for a response, never even coming to the site to comment on their own article.
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i love poop.

Very true, WP,or there's a flood of AC's on a paticular thread
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I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

Try sticking a quarter in your ear and having someone pull on your arm. After a few dollars, it may just come out like your a human slot machine!!