Ask PoopReport: When Does Poop Size Matter?

// // 43 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Scott asks:

In terms of the size, circumference and shape of poop, when should one be concerned? And when should one simply flush and walk away?

43 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: When Does Poop Size Matter?"

Craven Morhead's picture
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Good Morning,

I would think that, size wise, one should be concerned if it is over two inches in diameter, or six and a quarter round. That also depends on what is normal. If two inches diameter is normal, then no concerns, if one inch is... then there might be a problem.

I think the concern would have to be more towards the feel of the stool passing. If it feels like you're birthing rather then pooping, then it might be something to talk to your doctor about.

If it isn't causing you grief, then I wouldn't worry about it too much. If you are concerned, talk to your doctor about it. Shame could kill you...

Always,
Craven Morhead

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points
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When you have to manually pull it out of your ass, you should be concerned.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Concern over the maximum size of a turd really depends on the elasticity factor of the individual`s pucker muscle. If this is known, then the shear stress of the ringpiece can be calculated.

In turn, further calculations will determine the maximum circumference of logs that can be safely passed before catastrophic starfish failure occurs.

Simple science answers all problems.

The voice of sanity

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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Isn't the goal of taking a dump to get it all out and feel relieved?

I think one should be concerned if they can't shit.

The bigger the better.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Personally, I get concerned when the John Deere and some logging chain aren't enough to coax the stubborn bitch out.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points
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I would think the only reason for concern should be if the loaf is too thick to pass through the opening. The thing to watch out for is any change from what's "normal" for you.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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I think its more of an issue if it doesnt come out as opposed to size. To me constipation would be the larger issue or if the turd hurt coming out. Then I would be concerned.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points
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I say the bigger, the better. Get it ALL out._______
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Di Verticula's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Size does matter. If you are crapping out a whopper on a regular basis, be glad. If you are pooping out pebbles on an irregular basis, be concerned. IMO, any change in bowel habits that lasts more than a couple of weeks should be checked out by a medical professional.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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So, you're not sure when to be concerned about the size, shape, texture, smell, viscosity, density of your own turds. I say, go with your feelings. If you're feeling okay with it, then flush it away. If, however, you're feeling concerned about it (like your butt feels like it could now be the berth for the USS Ronald Reagan), then accept and explore those feelings. Don't question their validity; just go with them. If you're still concerned and think that you need a second opinion, here are some options:

Ask Us. We're here for you. I don't hang out in the forums, but somebody is usually around. So, post something. And, the more graphic the description, the more we're going to like it. Which brings us to our next suggestion.

Ask your friends. Most of them probably have e-mail. I would suggest sending them some digital photos. Don't forget to hold the Turd-in-Question (TiQ) in your hand while taking the photo, so that your friends will be able to get a sense of perspective as they are examining the pictures.

Ask your family. It's a great opportunity to get their opinions on your bowel movements as well as catch up on other matters. Put the TiQ in a clear Pyrex bowl on your living room table and have the family over for tea and cookies. Don't be shy about it either. Your parents cleaned your ass when you were an infant, so probably nothing that comes from your butt can astonish them. And your sibs, well, this can only bring them closer to you.

Ask your neighbors. Physical proximity is important. If you need an immediate second opinion, I would suggest you try your neighbors. Just go over to apartment 1D -- you know, where the cute little brunette lives that you see every morning in the elevator but haven't had the nerve to speak to yet -- and ask her back to your apartment. I'm sure that she'll have some advice for you.

Ask strangers. Because they have no emotional stake in a relationship with you, they may give you the most candid opinions of all. I would not, however, suggest asking a streetperson. These people usually have mental problems and can occassionally be dangerous. Besides, they might think you're crazy.

Ask your doctor. If you're still puzzled and perplexed, I would suggest then putting the TiQ in a Glad sandwich bag (either Zip-loc or folder-over) and show it to your doctor for a professional opinion. Be sure to let the office receptionist know that you have a sample for the doctor to inspect. Because of the obvious urgency of the situation, I'm sure that she'll arrange for you to see the doctor as quickly as possible. If you have to wait for the doctor though, you might want to solicit the opinion of the other patients in the waiting room.

Ask your co-workers. Have you ever known your co-workers to not have an opinion or to give you bad advice? For a really high-quality group opinion, I would suggest that you pack the TiQ in your thermos with your lunch. Show the TiQ to people at the water fountain or the coffee maker. I'm sure that your co-workers will share their opinion with you after discussing it at great length amongst themselves. In fact, you'll probably even be getting an opinion from your boss, HR, a corporate VP or two and even from the building's security staff.

Ask your government. Don't bother with the local agencies; go directly to FEMA. These people have learned a thing or two since the Katrina crisis. They can give you the most efficient evacuation route and provide food and water during your crisis. If you're lucky, they might put you up on a cruise ship during your crisis, or give you a trailer in a cow pasture in the boondocks while they sort this matter out. With Presidential guidance, of course. BTW, FEMA will probably dispatch the National Guard to assist with your evacuation. That is, if their are any Guardsmen left in your state.

Ask your elected representatives in Washington. Your Senator and/or Representive loves to hear from their constituents. They are such a selfless lot and only have your best interests at heart. That's why they call it Public Service. They are also known for solid national leadership on such weighty matters as Illegal Immigration and Campaign Reform. They can probably point you in the right direction as well.

Lastly, ask gawd. These are truly the times that try men's (and women's) souls. During this crisis of faith, I would suggest saying a prayer. After all, if you can't ask the gawd of your choice for enlightenment and guidance (and, perhaps, divine intervention), then who can you ask? That's why we created them. You've got to get rid of the mess anyway so, don't think of it as a potential health problem; think of it as a sacrifice on the porcelain altar. Just pull the little handle on the Holy Water tank and watch the miracle (or iconoclasm) occur.
_______
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Tink's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I'm with Doniker ... get it all out. The bigger it is, the better. I don't concern myself unless nothing or miniscule droppings are coming out.


_______
Faith, trust and a little pixie dust ...

Faith, trust and a little pixie dust ...

poopiehead92862's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Check out www.smellypoop.com for some amazingly huge turds in toilets and other places!

Toots N. McCrack's picture
l 100+ points
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I have been gone from PR waaaaay too long! Being without a computer sucks! The first thing I see, (within seconds) on the site when I get back that gets me howling was Deja Poo's comment-- as much for the wit, but that someone took the time and trouble to write such a brilliant piece. Ahhh, it's good to be back home! :)

As for size, base decisions on abnormalcy and the pain-o-meter in your pucker to determine potential problems. I'd be more afraid if there was no output at all.... Also, a dreaded stripe indentation seems more cause for worry than anything else....


_______
'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points
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I think most of it has been said, but remember we're all different. Changes in your diet have a big effect of size and regularity. I take a lot of fresh orange juice, fruit & nuts, wholemeal bread, beans, and porrage - that keeps me reasonably regular but ensures I still produce good big satisfying turds. But certainly check out any passing of blood or pain.

Chuck's picture
l 100+ points
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Of course turd size matters, as does flair for dramatic writing. You will not read something like "...my turd was three inches long and an average trip to the toilet. Than ks for reading." No, the turd has to be smelly, ass stretching, long or full of some food group. Poop size matters when your PoopReport(-ing) reputation is at stake.

flamingdogdoo321's picture
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the size of a poop is bad when its so big you can feel it slam up against the inside of your ass wall when you're pushing it out and when it causes huge tears and bleeding on exit...size also a problem if it doesn't have size at all but instead comes out as straight hersheys syrup...I suggest fleets phospho soda for the former and lots of immodium ad for the latter

Pile Driver's picture
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Well I dunno about size and conshitstancy as it relates to retarded kids, but I ate a bowl of five alarm chili last night that's got me stopped up like a washer full of concrete and all gassed up with no where to go. The shit's slowly making its way out one session at a time, and it's the consistancy of a Wendy's shake trying to get sucked through a straw and a deep reddish brown. Thinkin about gettin me some of them laxatives and seeing if I can't transform this monster into a mudslide for the sake of my bowels.

Fecal Follies's picture
l 100+ points
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PileDriver, still stuck?


_______
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

Rot Bottom's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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You know I was going to post this brief observation.

My three year old daughter, Ship's Boss Sugar Rush, was in the bathroom, as I walked past. She grabbed my attention with, "Daddy! Lookit this!" I walked in, and in the toilet was a log. I mean, a Daddy-sized log. I was a bit confused for a minute, thinking I didn't flush. She says, "Daddy! Lookit this big poop! It's AWESOME!" I felt incredibly proud, but then I called the wife to look at it, and she was worried. It was rather large, not just in length but in girth (maybe an inch diameter? a bit less, and over 6 inches long), and my wife was concerned.

However, the way I see it, as long as there's no physical trauma then everything's alright. I know that sometimes I've crapped out some phenomenal shapes, including spheroids that were at least 3-4 inches in diameter. And you know what? Those crazy monsters that wrap around the bowl twice and (if you maneuver just right) hang out and over the lip or those star-shaped super-poops you take a picture of and put on some fetish website sometimes feel better than the run of the mill 3 inch long floaters or sinkers. Alot better. Even if they distend your anus like an asian girl's fist does, they feel fantastic.

So again, no harm, no foul.

_______
the Pirate Master Rot Bottom.

the Pirate Master Rot Bottom.

Ben's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I think I have poop envy. As I get older, I no longer have nice long, single strand logs. Though I am regular, my poop come in lots of piece and my butt is usually wet from splatters. I must say I am still pround of the quantity and the width!!

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points
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Squiggles are what I have been dealing with lately. I would give anything for a nice large solid LOG and a clean wipe. Plenty of water and bran but no LOGS.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Rot Bottom (8) -- 07.25.2007 -- wrote: "...Even if they distend your anus like an asian girl's fist does, they feel fantastic."

Ewww! Goddam.

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points
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GGG - I picked up on that too!! I thought it raised too many issues to make comment!!!

CloggedCanuck's picture
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ok, today like any other day i had to go, not it feels like a fist is in my ass and wanting out, it dont hurt but dont wanna leave, ITS Driving me mad... i gotta go but he doesnt want to be evited

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Sorry, Clogged, but I'm having a hellova time with your Canadian accent

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points
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Not to mention Clogged, another mention of fists in the ass. Now I'm broad minded and up for different forms of pleasure - but a fist up my ass!!!?? No way!!!

Rot Bottom's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Try one time you might like it Hamster.
_______
the Pirate Master Rot Bottom.

the Pirate Master Rot Bottom.

Singing Starfish's picture
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I'm with Rot Bottom all the way.

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points
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The principle is fine - just that a fist sounds painfully large!!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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(*whistles piercingly*)

"TAXI!"

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Turd size does matter, at least to me. As a youth and young man I used to have big thick long ones that felt wonderful coming out (rewarded effort, conquered challenge, etc.). Nowadays, in my mid-60's and after two surgeries for bladder and kidney stones, I drink so much water to prevent future stones that my poops are softer and thinner. They still occasionally attain some length, and they are certainly nicely formed stools with considerable volume, but the sensation of passing a really big one just isn't there any more. I miss it, but not enough to stop drinking the water.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I would be extremely
concerned about the size of a turd if it were in my morning bowl of cereal.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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this is the coolest page to talk about poop size

Anonymous Coward's picture
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i had to poop last night but i was already in bed and decided to prolong the poop instead of getting up. I did not have to poop until after school the next day. It was huge uneven, and it was stuck in the middle and my hole was burning like it was on fire. my eyes started tearing up and now my hole is uneasy. HELP!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I remember sometimes having a lingering ache in my anus after passing a big thick one; it always went away in half an hour or so. If yours lasts for several days, you might need to see a doctor; but if it goes away, just put it down to a "rite of passage."

Not an Anonymous Coward's picture
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7-8 inch!! Is thaaat normall!? Opinions would be much appreciated!!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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NaAC.....I must say that it is much more normal than your spelling!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I don't know what's wrong with me... I just spent 2 hours giving birth on the toilet.

I'm a 21 Female with extremely healthy eating habits and I exercise everyday. I've never had stool problems before.

Today my stool was [no joke] 3.5 - 4 inches in diameter and it was easily a foot long if not longer. very painful, Lots of blood. I'm terrified and morbidly digust/in awe.

I've always had lots of fibre in my diet, but yesterday I added powdered fibre to my soup. 2 doses.... could this have caused me to release the ENTIRE contents of my bowl at once?

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Just tonight I had to use the bathroom. When I sat and dumped it came out loose. It came out real fast and shaped in little pieces. One was good sized but the rest were small little pieces. Does this sound like the start of the Runs or what? Maybe drinking too much water?

Anonymous Chick's picture
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Can you beat 9 inches long and 7 inches in diameter!! I gave birth out of my butt today!!!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Dear A-Chick: I can't believe you passed a turd that size without surgery. I'm sure you didn't flush it down a toilet, so it must still exist. I suggest a photo session with it, and then a suitably anonymous posting on a photo site. Get back to us when you've done that. Meanwhile, remember that a normal sheet of toilet paper is 4" square, and use that to measure future extrusions.

Anonymous's picture
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Wow, this is a cool place to talk about this normal part of being alive. I just pooped out 18 inches but it was about 1 inch thick. I'm taking new meds that make goin more of a challenge but 18 inches, I had to Google what normal was and found this site.

Anonymous's picture
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I dropped a fist sized shit this morning, my ass bled a lot and it hurt to stand or make any movement.