Ask PoopReport: My Stinky Husband

// // 63 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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Dear PoopReport,

How do I tell my husband he needs to wipe and clean his ass better?

He gets poo stains on his bath towel daily. His boxers always have massive skid marks. His trousers smell of poo, and he even regularly smells of poo. Sometimes when he smells, I suggest he should take a shower, saying that he smells sweaty or something like that because I don't know how to tell him he smells of sh*t. I have commented on the stains on his towel, which he puts down to "vigorous wiping" -- but I see it as improper washing.

I am tired of doing his laundry because of the poo and I refuse to share towels under any circumstances. He suffers from anal itching and doesn't seem to realize that it could be because of his dirty bum. Help! What can I tell him?

63 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: My Stinky Husband"

CaCa Doodle Doo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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OMG! I think the days of "playing nice nice" are over. You're dealing with shit and a grown man. Time to tell it like it is!

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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You need to divorce this repulsive bastard and be more careful next time you pick a husband. If he doesn't know basic hygeine, I'm sure he is lacking in plenty of other areas too.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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How hard can it be? Just tell him, "You stink like shit, my love. You need to start cleaning your can effectively after pooping and give it a thorough scrubbing in the shower, or I will cut your dick off." He has a dick doesn't he?

Buy him some Can-Doos for the toilet and an ass brush for the shower.

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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Actually, I can sympathize with Distressed here. Mr shitwit can be pretty smelly at times too! I have gotten to the point of just being blunt and telling him to go clean his nasty ass when it wreaks. And the skiddy boxers always get left behind for him to wash on his own. He knows now what that means when all the other clothes are clean and folded and put neatly back in the dresser and there is a pile of shitty boxers left by his side of the bed. I know it may not be the nicest thing a wife can do for her man.... but when I signed up for this whole marriage thing I don't recall taking a vow to clean up his brown!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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GAHH!!! That's horrible. The TOWELS?!? Yuck! I think Shitwit has the right idea.

It's opposite, at our house. GottaMan does most of the laundry (mostly because I do the yardwork; it's a trade-off), so I try to make sure that nothing too... unpleasant goes into my hamper.

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points
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I can sympathize with you too, Distressed!

I brought this very topic up to my husband one day because it just got to be too much. He comes home every night and puts his work clothes in a hamper by the back door (as per our agreement so there isn't any grease around the house). One day, right on top of the pile, happened to be a pair of skidded pants (not underwear, PANTS!) and I snapped.

I told him that unless he wanted me to take his shitty items (i.e. clothes, towels, and sometimes SHEETS!! YUCK!!!) to his mother so SHE could wash them, he had better clean up his ass.

His reply: "But it gets caught in the hair on my butt!"

My reply: "Our cat has more hair on his ass than you do, and it's CLEAN!" (Sure he uses his tongue, but a wet washcloth equates to the same thing in my book).

His somewhat embarrassed reply: "OK"

There hasn't been a problem since.
_______
Holy skid marks Batman!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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I agree the law must be put down before you put head to pillow tonite. You need to let him know that his hygiene is awful and it needs to improve. Something to think about, give him a separate soap dish with DIAL soap its antibacterial, he should use that soap with a separate washcloth JUST for his ass. Thats what I do. In fact as gross as this sounds when I take a dump in the morning, I dont bother to wipe. I am getting in the shower anyway and the washcloth is just for my ass. So I always have a clean ass before the day starts. Now if I have to drop a dookie at work well then I have to be extra careful and wipe and wipe and wipe. At home however I have wet wipes on the back of the toilet tank and combined with the TP it gets the job done. There is no excuse for a dirty rotten ass.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Who here hasn't left a skidmark in their Fruit of the Looms? Skidmarks happen. They are a fact of life. If your digestive tract is working properly, you're going to have some of these.

The real question is frequency and what constitutes acceptable frequency. He's skidding too often for you, distressed. However, maybe it's not too often for him.

Try talking to him directly. Oblique talk is good for diplomacy, but some people just don't pick up on it, especially if the talk is really indirect. You could also try sending him link to this webpage.

You might try making him responsible for doing his own laundry. If his soiled undies causes you heartburn, guess who's suffering. If it's a problem, make it his problem, not yours.

Of course, you could just start a collection of skidmarked underwear. Once you've got a few pounds of the nasties, you could put them in a pillow case and then swap them for his pillow. Hopefully, the first time he rolls over on his belly to sleep, a snoot full of his own funk will set him straight.

Lastly, if he doesn't pick up on this and he seems to be having problems functioning in other areas of his life, you might want to consider the possibility that he's suffering from some kind of mental illness or impairment. I've read some place before that, when mental illness starts to set in, hygiene is often one of the first areas to be affected. Have a talk with him about seeing a counselor.

But try the pillow thing first. It's almost as funny as a good Dutch Oven.


_______
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Phoenyxx's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Just be glad you can actually get away with telling someone they smell like shit. I posted a few months ago about how I ride busses where other passengers reek of bo, piss, and shit, and I'm prohibited from saying anything about it, or even holding my nose or reacting in some manner, for fear of being banned by the transit authority, or at the very least, being seen as the bad guy.

I agree with deja poo: letting hygiene go is a possible sign of mental illness. I too know I've read something about how in some cases someone might be overall mentally "all there" but at the same time seemingly oblivious to the social rules regarding hygiene. Go look up the infamous "Helen at the call center" story.

Of course, in my experience with disability, I've actually encountered people who are just plain gross and obnoxious, basically knowing damn well they're inflicting their bad behavior and even worse hygiene on others and not giving a rats ass (the logic being that since they're disabled, they're exempt from any negative reactions from others). Perhaps this might apply to non-disabled persons, but I do hope in you husband's case it's not something he's aware of or worse, doing on purpose.

(sorry if I was sounding too harsh or negative)

Turdle Dove's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Deja Poo's pillow case suggestion was BRILLIANT. That's an empowering act of turd terrorism, I think. But maybe it's not really turd terrorism because the husband created the poop, not her, and she's just putting the remnants in linens, rather than the Maytag? Either way, it sounds like an incredibly amusing--and useful--thing to do.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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One of the things I've done is to bring wet wipes into the house. They're in every bathroom, and I told my man strait up I wanted him to use them. He likes them, and they help because he smells less.

As to not sharing towels or doing his laundry, I agree. I sometimes find poop skids on the edge of a certain person's side of the bed, and it drives me nuts. There's nothing grosser.......

And there's no way to get around this. You have to tell him he stinks like shit and that he should be "wiping until it's gone". The one thing no one can argue is the concept of NOT wiping until it's gone. Ask him if he does this.

Then tell him about the bacteria poop hosts, and ask him why he would wonder his butt itches. Remind him that bacteria can lead to diaper rash, which is what he has, and bed sores, which is what he could get. The rationale behind this is that his skin gets inflamed with blood fighting infection that might be left behind from the poop. Inflamed skin hurts, itches. This is why you have to keep hemmorhoids clean.

As another in the brown trenches with you, married to a skidd-mark artist, I empathize totally: because of this, I cannot be more emphatic that you have to tell him he stinks like poop. Any other remark can be rationalized away or excused.

My best wishes to you. Hey, if push comes to shove, nothing says "you smell" like spraying room freshener on his ass when he gets up. I've done this out of necessity. I'm not proud.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Toots N. McCrack's picture
l 100+ points
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OH my GAWD! Is this what being married means? Do they give up basic hygeine, figuring 'for better or for worse' means they don't have to make an effort anymore? Underwear skids I can understand (still, *shudder*), but TOWELS? (AFTER soap and water?) SHEETS? (OK, maybe an OCCAISONAL shart) But my GAWD! These should be in that poll (and the bed was) of the grossest places to unexpectedly find poop!

No offense Daphne, I'm sure your guy is great in every other way, but I guess I'm just reeling from the fact that this happens at this level. You have good advice and coping techiques-- practical, funny and frank-- I'll be sure to remember these if I am ever in this shituation.

As for the author, please take the suggestions from this thread. Dealing with this from an adult (NOT a child, mentally or physically handicapped person, or an animal) should NOT be necessary.


_______
'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points
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Option A: Make him do his own laundry. Men hate doing the wash.

Option B: Burn his clothing and towels (very expensive option).

Option C: Walk around with a clothes pin on your nose, when you are near him.

Option D: Just be honest and tell him that he smells like he tripped into a bucket of shit.
_______
I am winter's hurricane, I am the great blizzard of 1899, and no body shall be exempt from my wrath.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Toots, no offense taken. And great name, by the way. That's wicked funny.

Sometimes I also think this stuff happens as men and women age or if their diets change during their lives. Since I took the above-mentioned actions, things are much better. Hey, I see it this way, I'm sure my periods are no fun to deal with.

In a sick sense, Nature likes to play Devil's advocate.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

new poop's picture
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Stumbled upon this 'poopreport' sight by accident. Now I know I have seen it all!! LOL
I, however, can relate to 'distressed' and her husband's 'left behind poop' problem. I was married to one for 15 years. I think his poop on the underwear was from farting all the time and leakage...gross! I have been divorced for 7 years and my current boyfriend is just the oppoisite. I have even wondered if he even shits! LOL I'm just relating here but if you want advice, I would give it to him straight but lovingly. Kind of hard to fathom that a grown man (or woman) would not want to be and feel clean, but maybe momma didn't even teach him to wipe...poor, pooped man!

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

Does he have a hairy butt?
Make him shave it.

Do you ever shower with him?
Hand him a bar of soap, tell him he "missed a spot" and point to his butt.

I also recommend you invest in these.

distressed's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Thanks for all the advice!

I had tried buying flushable wipes on several occasions before posting, but he didn't get the hint. He also claimed not to know how to use the washer even after I taught him (which I believe 'cause the 1 time he tried, it was a disaster- and he couldn't even use the dryer properly), and since our finances were all joint, I didn't dare bin his boxers or burn them- I'd be burning my money too.

I'm pretty sure he didn't use the 'wipe 'till it's clean' method, 'cause I saw him wipe once and only once (if you get my meaning). It is my personal belief that there is a 2-wipe minimum for all poos; even if you think you got it all on the first 'go', check for a clear result with a second wipe.

We've separated since I posted this, and I couldn't be happier. My white towels stay white and so do my sheets. There were other things that didn't work so well either (his empathy chip for example) so I know it's for the best. Next time I'll get a dog. At least they poop outside and clean themselves afterward. And getting rid of a dog is cheaper than getting a divorce.

Cheers!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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LOL! I was skeptical of this site at first, but I must add my little tid-bit. First of all, it's scary knowing that there could be skid marks on the bed?! Hmmmm, I have brown sheets, so it would be hard to tell if my hubby hasn't been cleaning himself...LOL! He is pretty clean in that area, but I must elaborate on my EX-huband!

I remember when we first started getting serious, and I smelled shit after he had come out of the bathroom one day! I was way too afraid to tell him he smelled like poo...but I did comment and say, "do you smell something? I smell poo"...LOL! Well, he couldn't take a hint; I suppose he couldn't smell his own ass or if he could, he didn't care. So...throughout the years we were married, I knew what days he pood because I smelled it, and at times, saw poo in his boxers! Well, I finally got the nerve up to tell him he smells like shit and needs to wipe his ass! Do you think that helped? NO! He always smelled after he pooped, and that was the biggest turn off ever! When we first got serious, I could never figure out why I got so many many bladder infections...if ya know what I mean. ICK! Unfortunately he never did get the hint and change his ways. I could even smell his ass after he stood up after sitting on the couch for a while. Could be a big reason why I lost all respect for him; he never even tried to change that about himself!

fartqueen's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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_Tell your husband to use baby wipes!Bam,no shit shmears!______
fartqueen

tired of the crap's picture
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Married for 21 years to a guy who doesn't wear boxers unless thy are laid out for him. (he has more than 56 pairs) He smears his jeans, the couch, his boxers--when he does manage to get up and find a pair. But its the bedroom sheets that bug me the worst. I've kicked him out of the bedroom when I found more smear marks. "I'm working on it" is his line and he's good for about a month then bingo. He calls me the cold fish for not wanting sex or oral sex. Can you imagine what its like to give oral sex to a guy who can't wipe his butt? I too got numerous UTI and know it was from his poor habits. He has ADHD but would never admit it-loses his keys, wallet leaves stove on....he has mustard/ketchup stains all over his shirts/clothes and his car has his chew cups/spit all over. I tried talking to his Mom but all she said was "well you're not the neatest person in the world" I think this is abuse. I've tired all the tatics from wet wipes to doing his own laundry. The only thing that keeps my sheets clean--kicking him to his own stinky couch.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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YES! I have been searching for a thread like this for a while now. I have similar problems. My bf has a VERY hairy overgrown ass and yes, sometimes I can smell poop when he's fully clothed or we're out somewhere. There are ALWAYS skidmarks in his boxers when I do laundry or they're just lying around for me to gaze upon. and YES... the worst worst worst is the skidmarks on the sheets. After we have sex, if I was on top, huge brown streaks that SMELL!! I think one time he discretely put a little water on them and covered the sheet with the comforter, but that only happened once, I have to full-out bleach and lysol them so I don't puke, and I get grief for not wanting to have sex and whatnot... maybe if he didnt leave poop stains on the sheets or smell or give me UTIs I'd be more open... and I don't know how to tell him without sounding like a bitch! HELP

Randompoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I've been married for 10 years to a great guy, and we've had this conversation. It was the streaks on his bath towel and the damp, smelly spot on the bed after sex (with HIM on the bottom). I was blunt about it; "Dude, this is totally fucking disgusting and you have to do something about it."

I asked him why it was so damn hard for him to wipe his ass. He said he tried, but he has a hairy butt (which is true) and it's extremely difficult to get it all. I only half-believe this since I've watched him poop (we're both shameless and leave the bathroom door open) and he typically wipes once without even looking at the paper.

I will admit, however, that his habits have improved. When we first started getting intimate while we were dating, he didn't have the best #1 habits in the world, either (which I think is typical of bachelors). I made it clear that he wasn't getting any oral sex unless he was clean. That problem went away in a hurry!

As for the bedsheets during sex, we solve that problem by having a large towel designated for this use. Towel goes on the bed, then goes into the laundry afterward. I may try to get him to use the feminine wipes that I often use. They're basically just baby wipes with a different scent.

yuck-butt's picture
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Okay, I can't believe I found this site...I am totally embarrassed and disgusted, but I jumped online just now because my husband came home from work (we've been talking dirty all day over the phone) and when he came upstairs I totally ravaged him...went straight to the belt and pulled everything down and dropped to my knees...you know, i know you get it by now...well about 60 seconds into it, I pulled back to say something to him, and my eyes caught a glimpse of the worst site you ever want to see in this situation...SHIT STAINED DRAWERS!!!! OHMYGAWD! I ran away cursing him, brushed my teeth for about 15 minutes...I am soooo distraught right now...I guess the only comfort I could find was reading other peoples problems with their shit stained men...YUCK!!!

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points
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Guess we are all different - but I'd only have to be told once!! I'd be so embarrassed!! Anyway, I think it is interesting for men to read this stuff - just gives us all a bt of a reminder of the need to be scrupulous in PH.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points
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I have encountered a "nasty-ass" man or two in my life. I have not been back for round two. IF I really liked him I would suggest a bath or shower. I would do the scrubbing so I know it was washed correctly. Note to men on PR. Clean ass + great smelling = getting lucky.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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yuck-butt -- 08.07.2007 -- wrote: "... (we've been talking dirty all day over the phone) and when he came upstairs I totally ravaged him... SHIT STAINED DRAWERS!!!! ...I am soooo distraught right now..."

Yuck-butt's story is almost enough to make me stop talking dirty on the phone.

Almost. ;-)

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points
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MSS - thanks for the tip!

wowwee's picture
0
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Burn all his underwear and fill his dresser drawers with adult diapers,and baby wipes.

Inspector Pu P. Stayne's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Here's something you can do to drop the hint: See if you can find the album by Redd Foxx('70s comedian, tv star, now deceased) titled "You got to wash your ass" and give it to him as a gift. Maybe he'll get the hint!_______
"You have to probe a lot of turds before you find gold in one......and it turns out the gold is corn!!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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why dont you guys just get one of those bidets toilet seats...they wash and dry your ass for you. they are pretty big in japan.

wiping your ass is not an efficient way to clean your ass at all....

if you want any part of your body clean, you rinse/wash it correct?

why should it be any different with our ass?

fartqueen's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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tell him to wear a manpon,wipe better,finish pooping before wiping,and don't forget to remind him that touch-up jobs are highly recommended and strictly enforced! Or ya might just leave a pack of wetwipes on the back of the can and hopefully he'll get the hint!

browngarbage's picture
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One time I actually put my hand in his crap while in bed and we were trying to have sex. It has been almost 18months now. He will do nothing, and I miss the sex. I do not miss worrying about his hygiene OR what I'm about to put my hand in. UNBELIEVABLE! I stopped washing his nasties months ago after trying throwing them away. I figured if he was gonna use them like a diaper I'll just throw them away like one. He still tries to wash them with other people's clothes, and it grosses me out. I don't even sleep under the covers. I have my own sheet and blanket on top, 'cause you know the farts are almost as bad, and he never worries about if he got some on him.

He also has a horrible nail fungus (nails falling off etc.) and athlete's foot so bad he is now on a 90 day anti-fungal two part regimen.

He wears his coarse gray beard and mustache which I hate way over his lips and CHEWS ON IT! He rips off his nails and uses them like gum, doesn't brush or care for his teeth, and I think he just would rather not bother. I was always the sex initiator anyway, so now momma ain't gettin' none, AND neither is he, but at least I'm not getting a handful of crap. Eleven years I have been complaining. I just finally got tired of it. Enough is enough!
DISGUSTED

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Wash that asshole, in the words of Red Foxx when you are doing a 69 your asshole is mere inches from the nose of the one you love. Red's comment was aimed mostly at women I believe.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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And yet most of the dirty asshole comments on this website are about men.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Herbert's picture
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What I don't understand is how men like those referred to above actually manage to get married (or get laid) in the first place. Personally I pay great attention to personal hygiene, shower regularly and use deodorant, but I don't have a wife or girlfriend and have never had sex. If I were in a relationship, I would take even more care over personal hygiene than I do at the moment, and would die of embarrassment if I were ever in a situation like those detailed above.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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AHA!!! Thats the problem, Herb!!! You are TOO clean, you've scrubbed all the pheromones from your bootilicious 18 year old body. Go a little easier on the scrubbing and let those babe magnet hormones flow, baby!!!

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Bilge, maybe you should lend Herbert one of your er...used cats to play with. He needs a little of that man-stank to attract the opposite sex (if thats what he's interested in)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Herbert, I have no idea why some men get women when they stink. Maybe, they didn't stink when they got married. Maybe, they were putting a false front to get some tail. Maybe, they got super comfortable after getting married and decided that shower-a-day wasn't necessary.

I have no idea.

Many guys ask the same question about their wives when it comes to their weight.

"Why is she so fucking fat now?"

It happens. Hey, I weigh more than I did when I got married. And it happens for all sorts of reasons.... hormones, age, childbirth. Agh.

However, with men who smell, it's not the marriages that confuse me, it's their social and work careers with which I'm fascinated. Marriage, it's crazy, and until you do it, you'll never understand - love is weird and irrational and can kill you. But, your professional career? How the hell do you stink like ass and still keep your job?

This, I want to know.

In the meantime, Herbert, keep showering and brushing those teeth. It never hurts.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Damn, and I thought it was just my husband. Luckily I don't see it to the extent that some do, but my hubby has crap stains on his "not so tidy" whities from time to time and it grosses me out. I have also, on rare occasion, see it on his towel. Of course, I would never share a towel with him after seeing that.

I have a shower that has a regular shower head, plus a handheld one. Let me tell you, that handheld one is great for getting into those "cracks and crevices" with a nice blast of warm water. I never feel fresher than after I shower.

I have tried time and again to get him to use the handheld in those, ahem, delicate placed, but he refuses. *SIGH*

living in the crapper, too deep to get out's picture
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I've got a shitty man too! He's a great man in every other way and a great father. These comments have all been hillarious to read but this really is a serious situation when you are the one living in the crapper, so much so in fact that I have tried everything and he just apparently does not care, I am ready to leave his dirty ass but can't afford to financially and emotionaly uproot my kids and say "sianara shitass". More advise please.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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it;s not just him im a young female and i seem to wipe my ass to it bleeds then use a wipe shower and while drying my holes still see shit on my towel like if i never even wiped my ass from the start. it only happens with certain poops. the ones that keep you wiping.

shit  ass 's picture
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Hi also wrote the coward message above!!

i also wipe until it's gone then about 15 min later It feels like the poop is till there giving me this nasty wet feeling. I go wipe my ass and there goes a ton of poop on the paper. I feel so awful to be a young women going through this.

Anonymous one's picture
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I recently broke up with my boyfriend, because after sex. He smeared shit on the sheets while sitting on them. I told him to go and change the sheets and to wipe his ass, he did. but he came back with new sheets and those wound up shitty too. (Men wipe your ass or lose the best woman that you ever had!) Oh yeah this wasn't the first time that this happened.-- Tell me what would you do-

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I think the shitty asses have a problem they don't know how to fix. I doubt they are doing it on purpose. They need help. Help them.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

yuck-butt's picture
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Okay, well... obviously it's very common among the men-folk. My 1st post was so long ago, but I've recently began buying charmin wipes... I leave them on the back of the toilet so hubby can use them... I use 'em too... nothing beats a shower though. But after reading this other stuff...I never imagined poop would be on a TOWEL especially AFTER a shower!!! Ewww!!!!!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I am sitting here debating how to tell my husband about the skid marks on the sheets. Having a glass of wine to steady myself. I've been married 10 years and I've noticed the skid marks on the sheets for about a year now, on and off. My husband sleeps naked and I know it's when he plops his ass down on the bed that his cheeks spread and there it is....the skid mark. I make the bed and I cringe just walking over to his side of the bed, wondering what is waiting for me. I don't do the laundry so I haven't noticed it in his boxers, but believe me, I wouldn't go looking.
He hasn't gotten oral in ages...because of his nasty ass. But if I tell him that's why, he'll probably start expecting oral on the daily if he cleans up his act....I don't know what would be worse, LOL.

Steve Shitman's picture
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omg wot a shit stirrer hahahahahahaha

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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AC, are you sure he's not just scratching his ass using the sheets as sort of a glove to keep his bare hands out of his nasty ass. I'd make him wear a snowmobile suit to bed.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I am quite alarmed by all these comments, my boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year.... now, he treats me VERY well, but on three or four occasions I have found skid marks on my sheets after we have had sex with me on top. I mentioned it to him yesterday... but he didn't say much other than " oh, I must not have wiped well enough..." the whole thing was VERY awkward. I am OCD so bacteria in general FREAKS me out. I have also had three to four UTI's. I love him, but I'm at my wits end. I am so confused.

prarie doggin's picture
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Have you considered buying striped sheets? Just a thought.

Dr. Phil's picture
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Anonymous Coward, Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by "UNREASONABLE" thoughts and fears. Bacteria are a fact of life and are virtually everywhere. Your unreasonable fear of bacteria bothers me more than your partners lack of wiping skills.

Jump in the shower with him and scrub his asshole with a bottle brush and some Lysol before your next tryst, either that or confine yourself to the bottom position.

prarie doggin's picture
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Dr. Phil, who do you think you are giving out advice here? You're not even a real doctor. Our esteemed Dr. Seymore Butt could give out better advice with half his brain tied up behind his back.

Dr. "Will" B. Doggin

Butt of the Joke's picture
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Test your relationship, OCD AC. Next time your boyfriend takes a dump,wipe for him. Then you will know for sure that he will be skidmark free and you two can get your relationship on a whole new level. Remember,it's only as awkward as you make it.
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More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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AC, If you want his crack properly cleansed before sex but don't want your hands that close to his butthole you could do what my dear wife has been doing to me for many years now. Take him outside, bend him over a chair and play a stream of water from a high pressure hose on his beshitted hole. As an interesting diversion you can try to make one of his balls bounce up and plug his ass.


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
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I hope you at least do that in the garden Chief. There's a water shortage you know.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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You will have more respect for my method later in the year PD when I send you a bushel of tomatoes from my fantastic garden. One of the varieties I planted this year is the Grosse Lisse, I can say with pride that mine are extra gross.


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture
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These comments are a riot. However, I thought I was only part of a few that have to deal with Mr. Shitty pants. My husband does not have a hairy ass and does not wipe well, as evidenced by shit stained towels and boxers. I always have butt wipes on the back of the toilet too. Things do change after marriage and when men say they don't get sex anymore, it's for a good reason. It's called improper hygiene. My husband only brushes his teeth in the morning, and I swear hand washes once a day in the shower, unless I turn the water on for him and squirt soap in his hands. Yes I've done this. If I don't, he'll only rinse for two seconds with water and only when I'm around. Otherwise, he thinks purell in the car takes the place of hand washing with soap. Why would I want to have sex or oral sex with a man who wipes their ass like a toddler and doesn't brush their teeth or wash their hands. Judging by all the comments, there are plenty of guys like this.

Anonymous's picture
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I have the same problem with my fiance! He is a very clean person, and has no problem showering, brushing his teeth etc... BUT he does have quite the hairy ass lol And he claims it's fuzz that gets stuck in there but believe me, fuzz does not smell like feces!

I've noticed it recently when I'm sitting by him or when he moves around and I HAVE NO IDEA how to tell him without embarrassing the holy hell out of him. I've suggested wipes for the past 3 years, and he even lets me shave his ass from time to time. He says it's from "holding it" at work. Well I've never held shit between my ass cheeks and not felt it, I don't know about you!

I understand he's a grown man and knows how to wipe, but obviously he needs some help!

Anonymous's picture
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Ok men, listen up: Keep yourself clean and have consideration for your better half and your family, if you have one. Wash your hands regularly, especially before sex. Brush your teeth regularly, especially before sex ( and use mouth wash). Wash your ass, balls, and penis well with soap and water daily and most definitely before sex. No woman wants to get it on with Mr. Funk. When you don't take an interest in yourself, neither will your woman. Women clean, shave and get all fluffed and buffed in the right areas because we have to and we don't want to stink, especially during intimacy. When men wonder why they don't get sex, well the answer lies in hygiene. Clean Yourself!!

Anonymous's picture
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Jesus Christ. I am appalled. Are you a working wife? If so, don't do his laundry.. especially if it smells like literal shit.

Anonymous's picture
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I've actually shit during sex before (female, here)... and, I told my boyfriend it was my period. We were both stoned and he didn't notice. So, wow, I guess I'm the perpetrator here.

Just doesn't seem as bad if you're a girl. HAHA.

Anonymous's picture
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This shit is funny. Married 23 years and glad he can't have sex anymore. Dat ass juice ain't nuttin nice and I refuse to wash those funky ass tighty whites. Tired of seeing him walking around in them too. I try to look down or look away when he is walking around in his underwear. Boxers would look better but oh well! He pretty much disgusts me.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Tsk tsk, What happened to; in sickness and health, till death do us part, and all that shit. If you can't stand the sight of him in underwear maybe you could ask him to walk around nude. Perhaps you will me mesmerized by the sight of that dangling tube-steak and fall back in love with him.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!