I live in a really old house that has some interesting acoustics. If you fart real loud in the upstairs bathroom, it echos into the hallway. I've had to do the shithole squelch a few times when we've had company.

You should never hold in your poop when you don't absolutely have to. It's bad for you.

Are you that loud on the pot? Would you really wake your mother up if she were asleep? This sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn't endure the discomfort, and you're right to call this a parody of behavior.

With a nod to Nike here--just do it.

A friend of mine has the loudest farts each time he had to go. He also grunts rather loudly. We used to make fun of him. WHenever we share a room on trips, his morning BM is a sure alarm clock.

I have been through this before.Lving with my parents, we had a circa late 50's Kholer toilet in our master bath. I would always do my business downstairs, in the lavatory (master bath and bedrooms are upstairs). I wasn't concerned about them heaing me going to the bathroom, as I am a silent pooper. I was concerned about waking the whole house up with the flush. That old Kholer was almost as loud as a pressure flush toilet, but also could not handle my huge turds. I would always have to use a turd chopper, then re-flush.

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A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

Take the dump. Then blame it on your husband. If you don't want to lie, just stand over the toilet with a pitcher of water, and pour it in before doing your doody. She will assume it was him.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

I don't worry so much about butt noises. It's the flushing that is noisy enough to wake people up.

If your toilet makes enough noise flushing to wake up family or guests, you can avoid the problem (with most toilets, at least) by taking a large pot or water pitcher and pouring a gallon or so of water into the toilet AFTER you crap. The toilet will flush, but the reservoir will not empty. You will have to add water to it before using it for another crap, but you can pee in it without refilling the bowl. In a lot of toilets it's the noise of the water entering the bowl from the reservoir and the subsequent refilling of the reservoir that create most of the noise. The water leaving the bowl is usually not the source of much noise.

The first squelch of my career should be a separate Poop Report tale altogether, but I'll drop it here since it suits the discussion:

After a legendary evening of eating and drinking with my very first college boyfriend, I was absolutely bloated and in complete agony from trapped gases and poop. It was the chocolate cream pie at a restaurant famous for its rich desserts (and huge portions) that did the deed. The wedge of pie I'd consumed was easily a quarter of the whole pie -- which was 14" or 16" in diameter. The mountain of whipped cream that crowned it was the genuine article: heavy whipping cream that had been beaten to perfection. I had savored every bite, even though toward the last few it was an effort.

Halfway through the night, as we lay in a stupor from the overeating, I suddenly felt a surge of gas rumble up in my bowels. I rolled onto my belly, hoping that this would cause the gas to dissipate and slowly leak from my butt, a method I had often used when flatulence struck at night.

But it did no good. There wasn't just gas, but poop too. It wanted out. The pressure and pain grew until I could stand it no longer and crept to the crapper, which was only a few steps from the bedroom, across the kitchen. I knew that elephantine farts were on the agenda, judging from the wall of gas welling up inside, but being young and shy -- a shameful shitter at least in the presence of my pristine beloved -- I couldn't bear the thought of him hearing me topple from the pedestal of loveliness on which he had placed me. Unfortunately, he was awake and knew something was wrong. He called out whether I was okay, and I replied airily (as airily as I could without actually divulging any gaseousness) that I was fine but needed to wash my face with some cold water.

I blasted the bathroom faucet while trying to discreetly unload. Not. The poop felt like it was lodged in my rectum. Sort of like a cannonball waiting for a blast of ignited gunpowder to project it into space. The ignition came, in my case, from a roiling compressed cloud of methane, which launched the turd out of my ass without even giving my sphincter the courtesy of a moment's dilation.

It was like "sudden childbirth." The sounds of the exploding fart, gargantuan splash in the toilet, and my gasp of horror must have resounded through the house, because my boyfriend called over again, and more urgently, "Are you okay?!"

I did not want to discuss it, but since the worst had already happened, I spent another several minutes evacuating the rest of the softballs and got it over with. Inspecting my bowel's handiwork, I beheld turds of a size and shape I've never again duplicated. And they were floaters, every one. My scientific conclusion is that they were balls of pure fat from the piles of whipped cream I'd consumed.

So much for squelching, and pedestals.

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PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

screw that i'd rather wake them up by taking a dumpo and flushing then wake them up with the smell, it's just as bad as crapping yourself to avoid excusing yourself to take a poo.

I can bet there are some people who read this and thought, "Now, there's a way to get that damned mother-in-law to stop visiting......." and are thinking about a major performance.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Poopergal- That was great! Front page material for sure!

Yes Daphne, that thought crossed my mind.

As for the pouring water into the toilet to make it flush. I tried that method to. All that would do is suck my turd up into the trap, only to have it either get stuck, or re-vist the bowl. It took ten seconds for my old toilet to flush, and my poop would not budge for a good sven of those seconds.

That toilet was so loud, I could sometimes hear it flushing when I was in the basement.

The flush heard 'round the neighborhood.

Presently I'm living in a house designed for college students. Each bedroom has its own bathroom and shower with only a thin sliding door for privacy from the room itself. I have yet to have the experience of pooping with someone in my room, but I'm bound it's going to come up. I just wonder who will cave first.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

I'm a) a morning pooper and b) a silent pooper so I don't hardly ever worry about this. But once I made the mistake of eating cabbage for dinner and later that night I had the worst gas I've ever had. I try not to fart around my husband, just cuz I think it's gross, but that night I was ripping these 8-9 second long horn blasts. After one or two of them, he said "Ew, gross!" To which I replied "Heehee...stepped on a duck!" (our little code for "I farted"). Later on, after ripping a couple more, he laughed and said "Hahaha...lots of ducks in there, eh?" But yeah...if I ever did have to crap at night, I'd do it. Screw whoever wakes up; not my fault they're a light sleeper.

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An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

I'm very self-conscious about people hearing me taking a plop so what I would have done in your situation is laid a nice tissue bed for the turds to rest in and then chocks away, had a good healthy fecal sundae.