Ask PoopReport: My Very Repulsive Husband

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m 1+ points - Newb
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I have a huge problem in my marriage: my husband doesn't wipe very good after he poops.

Yesterday morning I walked in the bathroom and was hit with the stench of poo. I looked in the toilet. Nothing. I looked around the toilet. Nothing. I looked all over the floor. Nothing. So I took some bathroom cleaner and sprayed the whole toilet down and cleaned it; but when I went back later, it was still stinky. I could NOT figure out where the HECK the smell came from. Then, late last night, I happened to glance in the shower and see a small wad of hair (mine, cause I shed) blocking the drain. I reached down and pulled it up, but it was stuck, so I tugged, and then tugged some more, and then out comes three balls of poop attached to the hair!!!

I was HORRIFIED!! I threw it back on the shower drain and ran.

I told my husband. He told me (as he was LAUGHING!) that the poop was his. He threw his back out and couldn't reach very good to wipe, so when he took a shower he had danglies and they got washed down the drain.

From the size of two of them, I think he took his big toe and pushed them through the drain.

Oh my god. I am soooo grossed out. I don't even want his hands touching me. What's sad is that this isn't the first time I found poop in the shower! This is SERIOUSLY affecting how I view him. It totally grosses me out.

I looked on the net, but I can't find anyone else who does this, nor a wife who is facing the same issue. HELP!!

57 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: My Very Repulsive Husband"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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Your husband is a revolting sociopath slob and a loser. You should dump him now. Anyone with no regard for basic hygiene has no regard for anything else either.

Eoz's picture
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That is both disgusting, and sad. I would think it is possible that your husband is suffering from a medical/mental issue. Normal people do not shower off clingons and shove them down the drain.
Use a different bathroom, disinfect your hands and feet regularly, and get him to see a doctor as soon as possible.

Merc's picture
l 100+ points
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My question: Was he cleaning himself in the shower? Which means he's not as disgusting as you think.

Frankly, I dont know if its a guy thang, but i dont much depend on TP myself.

I really try to take a shower, and if I wouldnt seem really weird, i'd prefer having a bidet. Unless you use wet wipes (those things are so flimsy i cant imagine how to use them) you need a shower anyway.

Your Baby Ate My Dingo

Sargent Pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Dingleberries happen. Fact of life. I'd be more worried if he hadn't cleaned himself off in the shower. From someone who has experience with lower back pain, i can tell you, when you hurt you're back, it can be really difficult to reach around to wipe.

Eoz's picture
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Well cmon... a few skidmarks, I can believe. But big hunks of poo big enough to need to be squished into the drain? Even a lazy, lop-sided wipe should take care of any big chunks.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Okay, reality check here. Most bath drains have a trap of some kind in them very near the top. If CD07 had to pull out her own furball in order to get at the old man's turdballs, that would seem to imply that the turdballs were (1) below the trap, which would mean a small diameter and (2) that the build up of hair and crap had been going on for awhile.

Now, turds are generally water soluble. The presence of any water should cause the turd to start breaking down. Unless we're talking about petrified shit here, this shit should have passed within a couple of days (assuming that they both bathe daily).

Of course, if you take a hard, sticky turd and start twining human hair tightly around it, you might get a water-proof blob in short order.

So, if the old man's ass wipe problem is due to (lack of) range of motion, I would suggest that you get him the equivalent of a back-scratcher for the butt: a barbecue fork with a corn cob on the tines. That should help him reach around to his butt. Or you could put a kitty claw sharpening post in the bathroom. That way, once he's finished his dump, he can park a cheek on either side of the post and then raise and lower his ass.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Eoz's picture
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Enough of my hair falls out every time I shower to block three drains.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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Thats a LOT of poop let me tell you something. I would say about 100% of the time when I take a preshower dump I am going straight into the shower so I dont bother to wipe. Now this is also due to the fact that I have that "special bunghole washcloth" used ONLY for that purpose. Now in all the years I have been doing this NOT ONCE have I had BALLS of poop attached. Perhaps this poop collected over time but NEVER have I had that experience. From the size of them and the fact that he threw his back out unfortunately I think he simply took a DUMP in the shower NOW THAT is repulsive and I wouldnt blame you if you got a divorce.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Most of us have more class than that. We use those loofah sponges to clean those stubborn areas.

CC's picture
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I have a bad back.Wipe standing up.

Merc's picture
l 100+ points
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I'm sympathetic to the husband, and to other people here. The bottom line is that wiping with paper is a problem for a variety of reasons:

reaching, effectiveness, hairyness, whatever.

As for me, I admit that I shave that area. You think its hard WIPING try SHAVING. I reach through there about once a month or so, and just shave on each side until clean.

I couldnt stand the idea of hair being in there. It wouldnt feel clean.

Even so, those judgemental people on here should keep in mind that wiping is considered barbaric in most of the european realm. It is just not effective.

You're not as clean as you think, and thunderous was right. The only solution is dumping, and then a shower.

I use my fingers (not a loofah, or a cloth, YUCK) and then wash my hands. No problem.

Your Baby Ate My Dingo

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points
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I'd be more worried about his feet touching you. pleh.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I am not sympathetic to anyone who leaves fecal material around for their spouse to clean up. That's a level of disrespect that doesn't even happen here.

If there is a dingleberry in the shower drain, I tell Mr. daphne to go clean it out.

If he has a bad back, try buying flushable, moist wipes and asking him to reach and wipe from the front. You can still wipe front to back from the front and it shouldn't hurt his back as much as wiping from behind.

Maybe you should pull a Rod Stewart on him. This might be such an occasion.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I shit in toliet and hose off, hell if i am having the runs I just drag my ass on the carpet. The couch works good too.

Little Billy the 3rd's picture
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My dad does this. He is afraid of touching poo. even with paper It's not unusual to walk into the bathroom and see skid marks in the bathtub.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Just to show how efficient (not) wiping can be for a man, try putting a glob of peanut butter in your hair and wiping it up with a dry paper towel. I am with the moist wipe crowd.

Plunder's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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That's crazy, standard human adults are aghast when others have to clean their shit for them. You're not supposed to be cleaning up his effluence until he's a really old geezer. Buy actual diapers for him and see if he gets the hint.

Please - even dogs learn to poop outside. Stuffing crap down the drain with his big toe is remarkably self centered and disrespectful and has nothing to do with a hurt back. Even marginal consideration should have him sheepishly dumping drano or bleach in the tub instead of laughing at you doing it for him.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I know Plunder, it seems crazy. But you know, maybe some of the people on this site are not as clean as other people. Maybe they feel the need to justify their behavior. I don't know. I've seen alot of crazy shit after being on this site for 4 years. There are all types, believe me. Some are obese, some are OCD, and some just refuse to do things different even though they come asking for help.

Every once in awhile a story comes along like this and I can't tell whether we've got people who like to argue no matter the subject, or we have people on the site who are defensive of the behavior because it's similar to things they might have done. It's hard to tell. The only thing I do know is that even passing what seems to be a safe judgement on a cleanliness issue will always, always trigger something in someone who will respond in disagreement.

If you want to see a cleanliness issue debated, check out the hand washing issues we've had on the front page.....

http://www.poopreport.com/Poll/wash_hands.html


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points
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In my humble opinion, they are not dingleberries, they are the advance guard of a fecal based alien civilization colonizing your hubby's asscrack. He is not responsible for his gross behavior as they have obviously exerted some form of anal-cephalic mind control. This is why I wear a tinfoil hat when I shit.

HaulinAss's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I may get a raft on this but I think you are over reacting. If your hair wasnt clogging the drain you wouldnt even know about his problem. Clean the drain after your shower and his problem will wash away. It sounds like he is trying to keep himself clean by showering. I have been around people who refuse to bathe for whatever reason and they are truely disgusting. I hope his back heals quickly so you can put this behind you.

goanywhere's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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After I had my 'rhoid surgery, I had to shit in the shower for a week. The first shit I had after the surgery nearly killed me. I was on high powered laxatives and everything was liquid. My kind and considerate wife would Lysol the shower after each visit. I had to let the water run over my raw hole to keep it cool. Shit made it burn like fire.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Hey, AC, why not a hat made from TP? Everybody knows that tin foil hats are to keep those pesky NRO spy satellites from listening to your thoughts.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Comrade Poopov's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I'd rather help him shave his ass than fish his poo out of the drain.

Blowing you chocolate kisses from my butt...

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points
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Deja, I think the best solution is to wear an inverted colon der.

CrazyDaisey2007, I'm usually not too critical of the people on PR, but your spouse sounds like he's a pig. I suggest next time you see any fecal remnant like this in the shower you take him in, show him and say the following......GOODBYE!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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HaulinAss (2) -- 11.14.2007
I may get a raft on this but I think you are over reacting. If your hair wasnt clogging the drain you wouldnt even know about his problem

I rest my case. This thread is only going to be more interesting.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Paul Bradley's picture
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Install a bidet, they have ones now that attach right to an existing toilet although I chose to put in a full fixture similar to a toilet in size. Or remove your hair after every shower and stomp those mud puppies down through the drain like cheese through a grater :-)

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Anybody who's ever used a turkish toilet knows how similar they look to a shower stall. I'd say you're overreacting. Disinfect the shower on a regular basis and you won't have any germ issues. You may consider taking the drain cover off so your hair can go down more easily.

HaulinAss's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I dont think taking the drain cover off would be a good idea. Hair will clog a drain in a hurry when it gets down in the trap and thats a mess you dont need. I keep a cheap pair of tweezers in the bathroom to pull hair out of the drain. I keep them with the cleaning supplies under the sink so they are never used for anything else.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Get your dear hubby a Dremel tool with the wire brush attachment...or, of course....wait....here it comes....

a cat.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I agree with Haulin' Ass. As someone with longer hair (not really long, but a foot and a half or so) and a daughter with the same, we realized early on that a small-holed drain cover is important for the showers. I have to pick the hair up two or three times during my shower to make sure the water drains, but it's worth the trouble. Hair can clog the hell out of a drain.

Then again, if the husband in the story used a good drain cover, he would have a harder time leaving his shit for someone else to clean up.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Plunder's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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wow Daphne you weren't kidding.

I guess it's OKAY to poop in your spouse's shower repeatedly, make them clean it up and laugh at them... as long as you have a good reason for it.

I am going to start pooping in the kitchen sink. My rationalization is that I sometimes plug the toilet, but the kitchen sink disposer is rarely plugged.

Craizydaisy, I propose you poop in sandwich bags and put them in the freezer for him to find. Laugh when he confronts you and explain that your poop tends to stink, but when you freeze it the stink is gone. Make sense, hubby? Here's a bowl of vinegar water to clean your freezer with.

seriously's picture
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Your husband is only human. People do strange things. I'm sure everyone who has posted here has at least one secret strange thing that they do when no one is looking. If what your husband is doing bothers you ask him to stop. That is a terrible excuse to leave your husband, it is a shame that people are even suggesting that! If marriage means that little to you then why are you in one? You should accept your husband faults and all, thats what makes a person beautiful.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Seriously, you must be Feto's really fat, slovenly, odiferous, halitosis-affected, crotch rot afflicted, leaky assed, pit stained, second cousin, who's lookin' for love in all the wrong places.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

chaos321's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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He actually got in the tub and cleaned himself the best way possible and he's getting CRAP for it. I would think it's worse to have to pull Chewbacca's hair from the drain. Damn woman, cut him some slack!!
_______
Would you like me to throw you a rope?

Would you like me to throw you a rope?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Faults can be considered a form of endearment, sure. But this isn't indicative of a fault so much as it is a disrespect for the woman he chose to marry, love, and honor.

Besides, if you wouldn't do something at a family member's home or friend's home that you do at home or to your own family, chances are you know you're being a total pig.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Duck tape his ass-crack, pull down and tear up. No more dingleberries, no more shitty towels, no more husband as it will likely kill him.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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1. People that don't wipe are below disgusting
2. If it's too messy, maybe a change of diet is in order

Herbert's picture
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Ewww, this does indeed sound disgusting.

Does lower back pain often make it impossible to wipe? (I wouldn't know, since I'm only 18 and have never had any back problems.) This is slightly reminiscent of the other threat about how obese people wipe themselves. As someone who's never been overweight or had back problems and is physically fit and active, it simply never occurred to me how difficult it must be for some people to wipe. So it might not be your husband's fault.

However, he should have cleaned it up himself, rather than expecting you to do it. If I were in his situation, I would be far too embarrassed to just leave it; I'd do everything I could to clean up after myself, particularly if a woman was going to be using the bathroom. (I don't even talk about poop in front of women... since, as we all know, girls don't poop, and they don't like hearing about men's bowel habits.)

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points
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Hasn't anyone ever trodden barefoot in dogshit? When it squishes up between the toes like Play-Doh, theres no point in trying to wipe it off. The shower is the only place to go, and it IS necessary to push the grogettes (mini-grogans) down the drain.
I hate it when I have to first remove hair left behind by Mrs. Mullet to make room for the poo.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Mullet, just this morning I accidentally squished in a bit of Carlton's doody and had to walk on my heel to get to the bathroom, where the flushable wipes are located. It's funny that that happened, and then you mention that exact same thing. Not everyone likes those wipes, so this made me think. At the risk of sounding totally gross, why not stick your foot in the toilet first, shake it about, flush, and then wash it in the shower?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Herbert's picture
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Easy solution to that problem: don't go outside barefoot (unless your dog regularly shits in the house, in which case I'd have it put down if I were you. I hate dogs anyway.)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Stepping barefoot into fresh dog shit is about the worst waking nightmare I can think of. That smell is so intense and you are stuck with a foot you can't remove and chuck into the woods. I like the toilet idea although the water would be a bit cold.

MummyWrap's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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That is not only gross, but sad. I would never EVER be able to stand him touching me or be able to sleep with him again. Things that have been seen, cannot be unseen. Picturing that scenario
made me throw up in my mouth a little. AAACK!


_______
MummyWrap

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Judging by the description, these were not dingleberries, but rather the much rarer dingleplums.

burning grapes's picture
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Paul Bradley (not verified) -- 11.14.2007

Install a bidet, they have ones now that attach right to an existing toilet although I chose to put in a full fixture similar to a toilet in size.

Good on you Paul. When I had babies in the hospital, the toilets had bidets. When I sat on them, I thought I had died and gone to toilet heavens.

The Japanese have even better ones than the bidets. They have jets of water and warm air to massage and dry you.

My brother has Made in Korea Japanese toilets. With my hemmeroids, these toilets are heaven sent. I am waiting for my own house, and winning the LOTTO to install my own Japanese toilet.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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No real suggestion to add here. I guess I'm a horrible partner to say this, but I wouldn't tolerate shit in the shower. Especially for the reason stated. I have chronic back pain (sometimes to the point of not being able to walk) and I have never had a problem wiping my ass. There are always positions to use, different kinds of buttwipe, etc, to do the job. It all depends on your type of back pain. Anyone who can't figure it out is either lazy or just plain dumb! Sorry.

_______
Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Mrs. Thunderbutt and I use separate bathrooms so I suppose I could crap in my shower if I were so inclined, but I don't.
I have solved the old hair in the drain problem by the simple solution of being bald

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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And from what I've read Chief, your head is also hairless.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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My head is not entirely bald PD, I have some very nice hairs sprouting from my ears.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Thats why I long for my old fashioned barber who sadly passed away. He kept all those misplaced hairs in check.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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at least his turds or shitty paper didn't snake down his pant leg and land on the floor somewhere in your house as he walked about, seen it happen. I really hope here that he was washing off afterwards because he knew he wasn't clean back there. At least he had the presence of mind to wash his crack before you smelled it on him

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

ShittyWall's picture
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rs. Mad Crapper (227) -- 10.08.2008
at least his turds or shitty paper didn't snake down his pant leg and land on the floor somewhere in your house as he walked about, seen it happen. I really hope here that he was washing off afterwards because he knew he wasn't clean back there. At least he had the presence of mind to wash his crack before you smelled it on him
--------------------------------------------------------

This does happen! My friend's uncle lives in a relatively classy apartment complex in Washington. One day, he wakes up and gets on the elevator, which he finds he is sharing with someone else. This man he is with, smells of shit. Mr.Uncle Man ignores this early morning assault on his olfactories and steps off the elevator at the lobby. Poo Man gets off behind him, and is soon actually in front of Uncle Man, once in front of him, Poo Man stops, shakes a couple dingleplums out of his pant-leg and continues on with his day. Uncle Man has a great sense of humor and shares this with everyone.

Anonymous Coward's picture
0
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Big deal, I crap in the shower all the time. I always take a dump before I get in the shower, but sometimes you just cant get it all clean, or it hits you again to go a little more when the warm water hits you. I just smash it down the drain and be done with it. You act like this is a big deal, but a shower in and of itself is a nasty place. If you are grossed out be a little dingle berry, then you should know that there are far worse things lurking in your drain. Pour some Fucking Draino down it and quit being such an anal retentive bitch.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Wow AC thanks for clearing that up. Now I know all the magic that Drano can possess and I will be sure to use it. Hopefully in addition to magically cleaning all the shit gunk from my shower it will also cure me of being an anal retentive bitch. I'ma gonna go out an buy me some right quick like an see if'n it works.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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AC, why don't you just save a couple of steps and drink the Drano.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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AC...Did you ever think about having a garbage disposal installed in your shower drain?, you would have to be very careful with your toes or with your balls while squatting over it but it would give you a turd free shower stall with a minimal investment.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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0

Yeah then you could shit, wash dishes, and prepare a meal all while showering! Think of the time you'll save!
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.