Sorry. There is nothing that can be done. Kill yourself before you reek again.

Perhaps you could hire yourself out to the CIA and help interogate suspects at GITMO, naah--
to inhumane.
Help the war effort as a
"weapon of ass distruction",
or...just enjoy yourself.

Years ago I was a very hungover Tech
Sgt in Base Operations at Whiteman AFB, Mo. The building was full of high ranking officers and their wives sending our missle team off for compitition. I walked through the mob while expelling a "silent but deadly".
...extremely deadly. What fun to return to my dispatch counter and watch all the noses twitch in disgust.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I don't know your age, but my 71 year old father has been going through the same thing over the last 10 or so years.
He is now at the point were his body can tolerate next to nothing worth eating. He has lost a lot of weight and has had every medical test known to man but the doctors can't find anything wrong.

It sounds like you have an imbalance of good/bad intestinal bacteria. Might I suggest doing a Comprehensive Digestive Stool Analysis and/or begin taking large doses of probiotics (my favorite is Custom Probiotics 1.)

Good luck.

Try eating plain yoghurt for the probiotics.
Also apples can help smooth your digestion.

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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

There is a product (see the link in this story) that promises to fix your problem butt good. Please try it and write up a report of whether it works or not.

Son, if youre that flatulent AND it offends people then why just NOT EAT THE CRAP all together. I dont know I would NOT want to be in constant discomfort that just plain sucks.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

And then I wonder...why would you WANT to eat octopus and squid?!?!

Jokes aside, I think you should see a doctor before your diet is reduced to plain rice and apples.

I wonder if food allergies are like some other allergic reactions, in that the more you eat those foods (or are subjected to a certain allergen like "pond itch" bacteria), the worse the reaction is. If this is possible, might your growing allergies be your body reacting to consistent exposure to the substances and thus branching out its intolerance?

I think you should see a specialist. Will your HMO/insurance support a reference to an allergist or gastroenterologist? I hope you take the initiative to get medical help, as allergic reactions are not only stinky but are your body's way of telling you you're putting something in it that it can no longer handle, and that can turn dangerous!

P.S. Check out charcoal inserts for your underpants in the meantime. Google the terms.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Your odour is a 2nd order function of the kinds of foods injested. But your unique DNA can stink up the output even more. That, coupled with a high shit particle density, and you are one of the 2% that plain stink. There's nothing you can do; get lost and keep your smelly ass to yourself.

Ok, seriously light, better see the doc. Are your stools dark? Sometimes dark stool can mean blood, which causers a worse smell.

Daphne, I don't think a 20lb bag of Kingsfords dumped into the BVD's will help.

If real foods casal these smells,
try eating some trans-fat sewer food and see (I guess smell would be a better term) what happens. Just please give me 1/2 notice before you start to backfire after eating that shit.

PD, maybe the Kingsford won't help the smell, but I bet it lights faster and easier, burns longer, and gives grilled food that "woodsy" odor.

The poop doctor I saw last year said that as one gets older, the body no longer manufactures the enzymes needed to digest certain food chemicals. They travel to the intestines where bacteria feed on them and produce gas and stink. About the only thing to do is to eliminate things from the diet. He gave this diet to try: http://www.yafferuden.com/html/sensitive_stomach_diet.html

MMMM Bilge, sounds like a barbecue I wouldn't care to be invited to.

My husband's step-father has something similar going on. His farts and shit odor can stink up the house for days after they've left! We all thought it was from all the medications he takes for his heart and diabetes.

PD, Daphne and Bilge: I hope you guys are only recommending he use the plain Kingsfords and not the "match-lit" ones! Any source of spark coming from that stinky ass would surely ignite the charcoal. He'd have quite the bonfire in his pants. Sorry, I won't be attending - you'll have to ask doniker to bring the marshmallows.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

If I am correct, the next thing that will be off your menu is bread. It all makes perfect sense. All of the seafood's you mentioned are very high in protein, and break down, (in your case rot!) quickly. All the other foods on the list are fermented. (have already rotted!) The yeast in your system are munching on sugars, and belching CO2, causing gas. Your digestion is slow, letting stuff decompose instead of nourishing you. Needed are more water, more fiber, and acidophilus lactobacillus. (as do most Americans!) This will help with the battle of the bowel. Other things can help, but few are willing to do it.

Are you sure Shitwit? We could make s'mores. Already have the chocolate.

I wonder if good old Beano would help.

Oh, here's some link to those charcoal inserts and type of pants that can help you not stink....

Gasbgon.com
This link is for pants and pads that you can place on your furniture.

Under Ease Anti-Flatulence Underwear
This is a website that sells underwear and replacement filters. The testimonial page is kind of funny.

Kingsford.com
This is for those of you who'd like to see the author fill his pants and set it off with 20 pounds of charcoal.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I would go with the out-of-balance butt biology suggested above. A few years ago I was prescribed a course of antibiotics for acne and was forced to stop taking them because they threw my ass out of whack. Unfortunately, it was not horrible gas, but extremely liquid sharts. (In fact, my first adult pants-shitting experience came from this.)

The pro-biotics did very little for me alone. However, when I gagged down a cup of yogurt a day with it (I recommend organic because the other stuff is just disgusting), it worked after only a few days. Try combining the two and see if things don't get better.

_______
Born right the first time.

I pretty much asked yesterday,
1) Can Stinky bowel movements cause cancer?
2) Can Cancer cause stinky bowel movements?
3) Both 1 & 2?
4) Neither 1 or 2?

Thanks Daphne, I'm going to recommend the Kingsford Mesquite with the "Surefire grooves". I was never a big fan of lighter fluid or matchlight briquettes. I think lighting a wad of crumpled newspaper can get those puppies going just fine and once they get up to temp, they should start to take care of the stank. May have to blow on them for a while. Your thoughts Bilge?

Actually, PD, when not employed as asswipe, I can use the cat as a bellows, sort of bagpipe the little fucker right up against the coals...works quite well, and typically, with practice, only breaks a few ribs.

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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

My hubby, who is a doctor, recommends that you do a fast from about 4 pm to 12 noon the next day, and then eliminate all carbs from your diet and see what happens. Although you are listing protein foods, he suspects that it is the combination of these with carb sources that are causing your problems. People who eliminate carbs will often experience a dramatic decrease in flatulence. In face, all but eliminating carbs is the recommended protocol for problems with bloating and gas. Try it out. Good luck.

You might want to try digestive enzymes. I'm not sure if Wally World has them but you can get them at any health food store. I would try the ones with replacement acid at first, if your stomach isnt producing enough acid the gas can be unbelevalble. When your stomach starts making acid again you can switch to enzymes with out the acid.

Bile is one of the chemicals that makes poop smell so bad. Since these foods are very rich in fat, you might have your gall bladder function tested. Chlorophyll is very good for knocking down stench in both number one and number two. As far as the stench in the air, either get a good exhaust fan, a powerful air freshener spray, matches to strike or all three. Something else that helps kill the stench is pouring some chlorine bleach into the toilet before you begin the bombing run. When organic compounds hit the chlorine solution, oxygen is released. The stinky gas produced by the bacteria feeding in the gut is hydrogen sulfide, the "rotten egg" gas of chemistry labs. It is both poisonous and flammable and is found naturally in mineral waters and in putrefying matter. With extra amounts of oxygen and hydrogen sulfide, striking a match could solve the problem of the smell sticking to the walls for days by getting rid of the walls, ceiling too.