Dear Poop Report:

Where can I rent a poop costume? I wouldn't mind trying to make one either, but I would prefer to rent. I live in Arizona...any suggestions please?

Dear Pregnant Poop Reporter Reader:

First, let me comend you on your choice of reading material. This is facsinating stuff on PR, guaranteed to keep your rapt attention for hours.

Congratulations on the impending birth of your child. You're playing host to one of life's miracles. That said, playing host isn't always a treat and encumbrances come with the territory.

Try standing up and bending forward slightly before wiping. Wet wipes come in pretty handy when you're wiping-challenged. If that doesn't work for you and you have a hand-held shower head attachment, this is also a good alternative.

To Rent-a-poop (not verified): Make a few calls to your local costume shop. As well, check with your local theater troupes' costuming departments. With a generous deposit they may let you borrow a shitty costume if they have one.

I am almost six months pregnant and have yet to deal with this problem. It never occurred to me that this will be a problem in later months.

I'm VERY glad I am flexible. (Heh, that's how Gordon got in there in the first place!) Still,

I get the feeling that a butt sink is in order here. Consider it Pregnant Pooper. I will now.

Also, if you are a sitting wiper, try standing. You get a lot more out of your ass as a standing wiper. I've never been able to get clean sitting.

Thanks for the heads up, by the way.

To rent-a-poop, you might call the Republican party's main office. I think they might have a few left over from their last convention.

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Broccoli!

1) Poop before taking a shower

2) Install a bidet

3) Get a butt squirty thing that mounts to your toilet.

I've never been pregnant, so I can't really help you out. Ladies on here are better suited for that. Congrats on thebaby though.

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

I got huge during the third trimester of my pregnancies, but I had no problem wiping. Just shift your weight to one butt cheek, reach in under your thigh and opposite butt cheek, then wipe. Use baby wipes if you don't have a bidet. They leave your butt feeling nice and fresh. I recommend Huggies with Shea butter. I like them because they're soft, they smell good, and they leave my butt soft and smelling good.

On a side note, when I had my kids, the nurses gave me a squirt bottle to clean up with after I peed/pooped. It felt good to just have to pat dry instead of actually wiping for the first 2 weeks. If you can afford a bidet, get one. Every time you use the toilet post-partum, you'll thank God, Allah, Buddha, Flying Spaghetti Monster, or any deity you believe in.

Just when I think I am wordly versed in other religions, I see this: "Flying Spaghetti Monster"

Back to the books fart poopie!!

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Get one of those cheap $1. backscratchers and wrap toilet paper around it and wipe with that.

Concurrence with FP and Anon... That squirt bottle was a very good friend for a number of days. The back-scratcher is a great idea if you're still having trouble.

Combining the two, you could use the squirty bottle (even a recycled sport-top drinking water bottle would work) first, then pat dry with the paper on the back-scratcher.

TSV, are you saying you got pregnant from being nailed in the ass (because you are so flexible)? I thought that was medically inpossible but then I read your weak dig at Republicans so I give the possibility much more credibility. I'm sure Nancy Pelosi was a butthole baby.

C Everett, it worked for the camel, didn't it?

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Broccoli!

C. Everett: What's the gig with your continued bashes on Maxine Waters and Nancy Pelossi. Is it because they are women? Is it because they are Democrat representatives? Is it because they are house representatives for- as you so quaintly put it-'The Republic of Kalifornia,' your home state? Or is it because one of ladies happens to be black?

Interested independent parties want to know...

Get a bidet attatchment (err.. butt sink), there are many mentioned in various poop reports, for about 100 bucks you could be washing your troubles away. PS> the cool water will sooth the legendary 'roids we are told pregnant women often suffer from. Of course, if you want a totally hands off experience, you could get a pricey seat/bidet combo with all the bells and whistles including blow dryer with a wireless remote control. You'll pay more but how much is a lifetime of o-ring health worth to you? (Probably not too much -- until a malfunction makes you rethink the whole dang proposition)Anyways, I personally recommend them, they are a craptaculous.

TSv, I don;t think you ever told us you were pregnant before. Did you? It is a shock.

Bunghole, I'm not going to start a flame war by posting politics here. I am just one of the many who think Pelosi and Waters are comparable to turds (although not nearly as useful), so their names occasionally come up in my commentary.

C. Everett:

Wasnt' trying to start a 'flame war' just having a little fun with the way you seem to associate inflammatory politics with shit. That said, political bashings belong on a site where politics are the main topic.

Otherwise, I think you're perfectly delightful and provide the curmudgeon factor otherwise lacking. Most of the time your posts have real merit and require further thought.

Yours in Piece Out.. Bunghole

I was begining to wonder what the heck politics had to do with wiping a pregnant ass.

I still don't know, other that there might have been a pregnant politician at one time. I wonder how she wiped?

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Carefully, Poop Shooter. One elevated leg bent and butt cheek lifted.

I'd like to comment on baby wipes. Most of them contain alcohol which can dry out the delicate skin of your o-ring. If it gets chapped, it can crack, causing furthur discomfort and bleeding. I recommend plain water on a soft wash cloth, followed by patting dry with toilet paper. Good luck.

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"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

I'd also like to comment on baby wipes. Most Huggies wipes are alcohol free. The ones I recommended (Huggies with Shea butter) are alcohol free.

99 cents a pack at the 99 Cent Only Store! I'm sure they contain alcohol and LORD knows what else.

(*shrug*)

They'll sell anything at the 99 cent store.

Try seeing if you can locate a wipe with a natural astringent "Witch Hazel" as an ingredient. It only slightly dries while providing a clean finish to the swipe.

I think those are noxema wipes, bit-J.
Personally, I wouldn't wipe my ass with those. ;)

No, FP: I'm talking more from a natural store. Witch hazel is a plant and it's extract is a mild astringent but a great cleaner as well.

Tucks and Vagisil make ones that are better for the o-ring. But they do contain preservatives that can be drying. They are a little expensive, and a lot more expensive than plain water. I have a friend who won't put anything on her o-ring unless it's a "Tuck's." I guess she doesn't have a skin sensitivity. But for those of us who do, itchy owchey mama!

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"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

I thought Tucks were for hemmroids?

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Ack, my reply didn't post. Darn IE...

When I was a teenager, I used a witch hazel astringent/toner on my face. Most other cleansers made my skin break out (I use Dove products now, they're great). I can't remember the brand for the life of me, but I always bought it at Walgreens.
Maybe you can use it on TP and wipe with it, but I suspect it would sting quite a bit if applied to the sensitive tissue of the a-hole. Maybe you can experiment with different brand names. I'm sure formulations and strengths vary.

Some drug store carry Kleenex Cottonelle wipes with Aloe, Vitamin E and Witch Hazel. In looking at the package labeling on-line it appears to be a good bet.

Awesome! Let us know how they feel on your bum.

Just remember to never ever try Liquid Heet on your bum. Unless you need to burn the stink out or remove dingleberrys.

The Aloe wipes are a much safer bet.

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Hire a midget to hang out in the bathroom and wipe for you. Tell him/her that you are having a midget tossing party, then chain the little bugget to the sink. You can feed it after every clean wipe, for incentive.

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Sir SamDamnit!
and the Knights of Poopsalot
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

Try Windex wipes for a No-Streak cleanliness. Maybe Make-up remover wipes LOL :).

Oh, Man! That reminds me of another incident with the preschoolers I work around. The school was having some program, and they needed childcare for the younger siblings. A handful of people volunteered, including this one grandma. She was such a sweet little thing, but not the sharpest knife in the drawer. She went to change a little girl, didn't see any wipes in the bag, so went UNDER THE SINK (yes, childproofed!), and proceeded to wipe that poor kid's butt with CHLOROX CLEAN-UP wipes! I gather that it was... unpleasant.

Hmmm... The cupboard was childproof but not duller-than-your-average-knife grandma proof?

In her defense, perhaps the eyesight was failing a bit... okay, alot... Poor kid. That'll learn him to get potty trained, and right quick!

Didn't anyone stop her?! Ouch!
It's sad because you know she meant well...
but, jeez.

Well, yeah, when they heard the commotion the kid was making, I guess another lady came to see if she could help, and realized what Grandma had done and grabbed the kid and rinsed her off in the sink, etc...

The grandma was just a little befuddled, I guess. She read the word, "wipes", and went for it. There were never such things as Pop Up Cleaning Wipes With Bleach In A Cylinder in HER day!

I heard the mom was *freaked*, but what could they do? She was just a grandma volunteer. She hadn't meant any harm. The kid was okay.

I'm nine months and freakin enormous. I have to do it standing up. And I have to kind of lean on the wall. At home I just get in the shower. Where'd my feet go?

yes ma'am was pregnant twice....and it got to a point where i had to have my old man wipe it for me!

I am seven months pregnant and am having this issue. i am very short (4'11), as well as my arms. reaching my butt is hard to do.reaching back makes my stomach hurt. i was very flexible before being pregnant and now cant move much.
The baby wipes sound like a great idea. im definitely going to buy some.
Pregnancy keeps bringing new surprises

In ancient Rome, wiping was accomplished with a vinegar soaked sponge on the end of a stick. This would get you clean and improve your reach. Not just pregnant women, but the fact that most Americans are overweight, would suggest that an invention is in order. After a trip to the patent office, someone could make some money off this.

I have watched my mom poop whilst pregnant. It was not a pretty sight. It was a couple of years ago when I was 10. her intesstines where really closed up becuse of the baby on them, so she was REALLY constipated. She was trying to push the poop out for a really long time. after 15 minutes she finally did. the wiping process was even worse, she had a really hard time reaching her butt-hole and when she did she could only stay in that position for a few seconds before it got to uncunfertable. her butt-hole is extra hairy so it is harder for her to wipe anyway. But the deed was finally done.

Thanks for the imagery, naked. I don't know what's more disturbing - that you watch her while she takes her dumps, or that you know she's got a Don King asshole.

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"You will spray oil when you fart. You will have diarrhea. You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels." - Mr. Angry on alli

Some things you just don't wanna know.