Thanks to Jennifer for alerting me to this alarming product; to arms!

As many of you probably know, we as citizens are under attack from our own government; they are systematically attempting (and succeeding) at dismantling the first amendment ever granted to us by our fore-fathers: The freedom of speech.

As you all probably remember from either school or Schoolhouse Rock, the freedom of “speech” is not actually limited to the spoken word. I could hang a poster proclaiming squirrels as the enemy; I’d be crazy, but that craziness is protected. Works of art are protected as well, and I ask you, my brothers and sisters in poo, is poo not art? Is it not the result of hard work, delicate finessing and ultimately, does it not stand as a talisman for the creator? My body worked hard digesting my food, and extracting it’s moisture. My mind worked hard in overcoming the inborn trepidation we all feel when expecting the birth of a true Grogan. My anus sure worked it’s ass off (if anuses have asses). Should we not be allowed to express our displeasure in the basest form? Are we being denied our right to protest by leaving a lumpy loaf in the stall of a restaurant who’s food was disgusting? Why then, I ask, are the good people of the Miracle Seat Company striving to take away my formerly unalienable right to free stench?!?

Because shit stinks.

Because shit can really, really stink; stink enough to gag a maggot.

What they’re proposing is really quite ingenious (as most simple inventions are): Ventilate the air-space present between the water and the butt/gasket of the user. There’s been some discussion at various places around this site on the efficacy of water as a containment system for crap creosote. While the argument is still open (and deadlocked, at last check), this system at least nullifies the argument completely. If water is enough (we all know in many cases it’s not), no harm done. If it’s not, there we go, problem solved. QED.

What I’m afraid this company has failed to consider is the fate of that poor wretchedly fat woman who “claimed” to have been suction-butted to the airline crapper for most of the flight. While her claim has since been disproved, theoretically it remains entirely plausible. More so, since the Miracle Seat System is hardwired to the existing electrical system such that if the light’s on, the vaccuum’s on, I’m afraid of the implications.

This whole invention can lead only in one direction: first, it’s a poorly cloaked attempt at squashing our rights as American Poopin’ Citizens. Second, and more ominous, is the repercussion awaiting our “husky” friends...if this device works as well as they claim it does, the only way to avoid the inevitable ass-hickey (or worse, the indescribably painful recto-anal inversion) for our ample-assed associates, is to poop in the dark. I shudder at the thought.

How would the fat slobs READ?!?