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The awful aftermath of Atkins

Posted 04.02.2004 by Dave
What happens when you eat bacon and steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Well, Dr. Atkins says you lose weight. Dr. Atkins says that if you cut out carbohydrates, your body will be forced to burn stored fat for energy. And it seems like he's right -- you eat protein, you lose weight. But what he forgot to calculate is that when you cut out carbs, you cut out fiber.

And when you cut out fiber, your shit gets stuck.

So you've got three-week-old pig flesh grumbleball stuck in your colon. You're in pain, you're irritable, and you know beyond any doubt the cause of your affliction. So do you realize that while the Atikins diet helps you lose weight, it does so at the expense of your long-term digestive health?

Nope. You buy medicine. It's the American way. Never mind the fact that fiber doesn't HAVE any carbs.

According to this article, America's pharmaceutical giants are coming to rescue your colon. "GlaxoSmithKline's new ad campaign for Citrucel caplets offers a 'zero-carb solution to a low-carb problem.' Proctor and Gamble fired back with ads that promise that Metamucil allows users to 'Stay regular. The zero net carb way.'"

Your stomach is a delicate system -- you know this, because this site is testament to how easily it is thrown out of whack. So now, instead of sticking to a balanced diet that promotes proper digestion, we're going to see a new kind of binge and purge: days and days of ham and hamburger, followed by sudden overdoses of fiber.

Your stomach is going to hate you.
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Anonymous Coward -- 04.04.2004

complete and utter crap.

Anonymous Coward -- 04.04.2004

complete and utter crap.

Anonymous Coward -- 04.04.2004

Dr. Atkins died. Does that give you any clue about his diet?

I hate the Atkins diet. It makes you loose weight because your body is desperately looking for carbs so it starts eating itself. The first place it goes? YOUR BRAIN!!!!

The Atkins diet makes people stupid, unhealthy, and dependent on various medications to survive. Why do you suppose the drug industry is pushing it so much? And the Republicans?

If we all went on the Atkins diet we'd all be too stupid to know we were voting for that murderer Bush.

Okay, so my conspiracy theorist mind is going crazy here. But it makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Stop this insanity! Boycott Atkins! Oh, and be sure to tell everyone WHY you refuse to order their food. Boycotts only work if everyone KNOWS it's a boycott. (Dumbass yuppies!)

Anonymous Coward -- 04.04.2004

Dr. Atkins died. Does that give you any clue about his diet?

I hate the Atkins diet. It makes you loose weight because your body is desperately looking for carbs so it starts eating itself. The first place it goes? YOUR BRAIN!!!!

The Atkins diet makes people stupid, unhealthy, and dependent on various medications to survive. Why do you suppose the drug industry is pushing it so much? And the Republicans?

If we all went on the Atkins diet we'd all be too stupid to know we were voting for that murderer Bush.

Okay, so my conspiracy theorist mind is going crazy here. But it makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Stop this insanity! Boycott Atkins! Oh, and be sure to tell everyone WHY you refuse to order their food. Boycotts only work if everyone KNOWS it's a boycott. (Dumbass yuppies!)

Anonymous Coward -- 04.05.2004

Dr. Atkins died because he slipped on the ice and knocked his head. Or so THE MEDIA WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE.

However, if death is proof of an ineffective diet, then I'd like to see the diet in which the founder achieves eternal life.

Anonymous Coward -- 04.05.2004

Dr. Atkins died because he slipped on the ice and knocked his head. Or so THE MEDIA WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE.

However, if death is proof of an ineffective diet, then I'd like to see the diet in which the founder achieves eternal life.

Anonymous Coward -- 04.05.2004

Iremember taking the Atkins diet, and you know what it did?
It made more pissed offf than ever before because I absolutely NEEDED every food that was banned.

Anonymous Coward -- 04.05.2004

Iremember taking the Atkins diet, and you know what it did?
It made more pissed offf than ever before because I absolutely NEEDED every food that was banned.

Anonymous Coward -- 04.05.2004

Yeah, I couldn't live without my fruits, veggies, bread... food in general.
I've heard from so many people who have become sick on the Atkins thing. I hate it. (If you couldn't already tell.)

P.S. According to his autopsy, Dr. Atkins suffered from severe heart disease, probably from too much cholesterol (gee, where did he get that?) which weakened his system. If he had been a healthier person he may have survived the fall with only a goose egg on his head to show for it.

Anonymous Coward -- 04.05.2004

Yeah, I couldn't live without my fruits, veggies, bread... food in general.
I've heard from so many people who have become sick on the Atkins thing. I hate it. (If you couldn't already tell.)

P.S. According to his autopsy, Dr. Atkins suffered from severe heart disease, probably from too much cholesterol (gee, where did he get that?) which weakened his system. If he had been a healthier person he may have survived the fall with only a goose egg on his head to show for it.

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 10.19.2006

Dr. Atkins did not die because he slipping on ice in the winter time. He died of congestive heart failure. Check your resources about the ice slip.

The ice slip thing has been replaced with a ski accident. Apparently now he skied into a tree.

Funny. Why would the Atkins people feel a need to cover up Dr. Atkins' clogged arteries?

_______
I was a category five! Category five, I tell you! Get it right or I'll be back to PROVE IT!!!!- Katrina

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 10.19.2006

Congestive heart failure can be from your kidneys not removing enough water from your body. It's not necessarily related to clogs. It can be, but not necessarily.

rn in penna (not verified) -- 10.19.2006

Actually congestive heart failure is most often due to decreased pump efficiency in patients with compromised cardiac function. While renal failure can cause a fluid overload that overtaxes the heart, generally its a weakened or failing heart that can't keep up with a normal circulating volume.

Anomalous Coward (690) -- 10.19.2006

If the Atkins diet needs a catch phrase perhaps it could use "Atkins works - No shit!"
I love the eloquent phrasing of "three-week-old pig flesh grumbleball" being stuck in the colon. Can't wait to go eat another pork roast.

runninggrrl2 (170) -- 10.19.2006

The thing is though, eating too much protein like the Atkins diet recommends makes your kidneys have to work too hard and can cause kidney failure. Why do you think kidney failure is SO common in older cats? A lifetime of high protein foods AND their kidneys are even more efficient at processing protein than ours are.


_______
An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

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