The bathroom poetry archive

// // 49 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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When I was little, my family lived near a bunch of constructions sites which, on the weekends, doubled as playgrounds for me and my friends. During one exploration, I entered a Port-a-Potty and found the following rhyme:



"Those who write on bathroom walls

Roll their shit in little balls.

And thos who read these words of wit

Eat these little balls of shit!"



For a ten-year-old, this was great material. I memorized the little ditty and spouted it to my friends whenever I could.



If only I had had the Internet. Then all I would have needed was to visit Poop rhymes from the schoolyard.



The days were old, the nights were blue,

And through the alleys the shit wagons flew.

A bump was hit, a cry was heard,

A man was killed by a flying turd!



And many more! Including who-knows-how-many verses of everyone's favorite, the Diarrhea Song.

49 Comments on "The bathroom poetry archive"

Anonymous's picture
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Which diarrhea song? The "Diarrhea, PLL PLL" one or the one that goes "When you're sittin' in the Chevy and your pants are feeling heavy..."

Anonymous's picture
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Both of them, I think!

Anonymous's picture
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I never knew that turds could fly but i got a kick out of it hol shit

Anonymous's picture
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The only one I recall from school days is-

"Here I sit, broken hearted.
Came to shit, but only farted."

Anonymous's picture
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Which diarrhea song? The "Diarrhea, PLL PLL" one or the one that goes "When you're sittin' in the Chevy and your pants are feeling heavy..."

Anonymous's picture
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Both of them, I think!

Anonymous's picture
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I never knew that turds could fly but i got a kick out of it hol shit

Anonymous's picture
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The only one I recall from school days is-

"Here I sit, broken hearted.
Came to shit, but only farted."

Highway Bathrrom Art Renaisance Man's picture
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There once was a man from Nantucket Who's balls were made of brass,
and whenever they clang together,
Lighting Shot out his ass.

curse the blasted Man and his non-writable surfaces that now plague what was once great art and community Bulliten Boards that dotted our highways and byways known as rest stop and truck stop crappers.... Use a Grease Pen and revive what has been censored by those who don't share our need for funny reading material during movements that used to be available on every bathroom stall.... It's an American tradition !!!!

Poopy Pants's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I remember this one from camp:

Here I sit in clouds of vapor
Someone stole the toilet paper.
How much longer must I linger
Before I'm forced to use my finger?

Do NOT go in there!

Kristi's picture
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Two little doodies sittin' in a potty, One went down and one was naughty. Water washed up and it smelled snotty. The little girl sure looked gawky! She ran and screemed up and down, grabbed the poopie and threw it all around. I fell over on the ground. I looked up, my hair turned brown.

queenbee's picture
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If you sprinkle while you tinkle be a sweetie and wipe up the seatie

Chris M.'s picture
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here i sit in silent bliss
listening to the dribbling piss
now and then a fart is heard
followed by a falling turd

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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The funniest things I have found on bathroom walls are not poetry at all, but continuing conversations between different writers. This happened a lot at my college, especially in the ladies room near the bookstore. Some of my favorites are as follows:

"Men are great!"
"Especially with a little mustard."

"Wen yur shuving those tampoons think of my fat dik!"
"Who let the janitor in here with a pen?"
"I don't think it was the janitor.I think it was some gross bich."
"For the record, the following words are spelled: tampons, dick, shoving, when, and BITCH!"

"To the management of MHCC, while I am all for promoting safe sex, replacing the tampon and pad machines with condom machines is not my idea of touting your message. When a girl is dropping clots, she's not interested in... Well, that."


_______
Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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Here's one I heard in Elementary school:
Fatty Fatty 2 by 4
Can't get through the bathroom door
So he dropped one on the floor
Licked it up and did some more.
Fatty Fatty 2 by 4...
(repeats forever, or until brat gets bored)


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Ben Ladin! Son of Satan. May bad luck follow you. May some old Harlot dose you and turn your knackers Blue.
Then when the war is over and you're a perfect wreck.
May you slip back through your asshole and break your fuckin' neck.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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The pay toilet lament:

Here I sit, broken hearted,
Paid my dime and only farted.
There I stood,
I took the chance,
Saved my dime and shit my pants.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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In the Marquette University main library's can things I still do NOT understand. Who is Moleman and just where the fuck is Goose Island? And what song does moleman sing yes grab your things I've come to take you home!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Princess Poop's picture
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I once knew a woman who looked like a hog,
She accused me once of laying a log.
The end.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I don't know any words to "The Diarrhea Song" except "diarrhea," but the music was "Dance of the Hours" from Ponchielli's 'La Gioconda.' Some students sang it to me at a school I subbed at 20 years ago. Also, here is the version I saw of one of the poems:

Here I sit, in a vapor.
This damn place has no paper.
I cannot wait, I cannot linger:
Look out, ass hole, here comes my finger!

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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Diarheea, PTT PTT, Diarheea, PTT PTT,
Some people think it's funny,
But it's slimey, green, and runny...

When your friend begins to dance,
he's-a-poopin' in his pants...

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I couldnt stop laughing for the rest of the day when my teacher in third grade thought it would be funny to teach us this one on the first day of school.

Beans, beans the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot, the more you toot, the better you feel, so eat your beens with every meal

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Here I sit
Same as ever
Took a dump and pulled the lever

The toilet clogged
The water flowed
Look out world its a motherload!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Attention Bathrrom Art Renaisance Man.
First let me thank you for being an even worse speller than me. Secondly let me edit your rather poor attempt at posting a limerick on 6.11.2007.

You have done a terrible job on combining two well known limericks.
They should have read thusly;

There was an old man from Nantucket
whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He once said with a grin,
as he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it."

There was a young man named Nash
whose balls were made out of brass
When he clapped them together
they played Stormy Weather
and lightning shot out of his ass

Another good one that I dearly love;

There was a young pirate named Bates,
who once did the Rumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
which rendered him nut-less,
and essentially useless on dates.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

JB's picture
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Here is my favorite of all time. I guess because I was that twelve year old jsut discovering the art.

Over the hill come Piss Ball Pete
A hundred punds of Balls and Meat

Over the hill comes sally Brown
Said no man could lay her down

Pete threw ol' sally on the grass
shoved his dick strait up her ass

then ol' sally had to fart
blew his balls ten feet apart.

Over the hill comes Piss Ball Pete
A hundred puonds of SHREDED meat!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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under the spreading chestnut tree the village idot sat amuseing himself by abuseing himself and catching the drops in his hat

Hunter 432's picture
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here I sit at a loss tryin to shot out taco sauce I wish I might I wish I may that this crowd of people make it away....

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Dude, trust me, snorting water softener salt is bad for you.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

ANTIMATTER SPLATTER The splatter flushin wont shift's picture
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beans beans good fer your heart the more u eat the more u fart, the more u fart the better u feel so eat your beans up every meal. apple crumble makes it rumble apple tart makes u fart custard powder makes it louder. of all the places one might rest i think the toilet is the best, looking through the steamy mist then i have a trickling piss, pffrrt a fart is heard, followed by a streaming turd, but whats this? what a caper some barstards nicked the paper.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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JB this is how I heard that one way back when
Over the hills runs Piss Pied Pete
With 31 pounds of swinging meat
And over the hills runs Sally Brown
Who said no man could lay her down
So he laid her down in the green green grass
and shoved his pecker up her ass
It felt so good she let a big fart
And blew his balls six feet apart
so over the hills ran Piss Pied Pete
With 31 pounds of shredded meat
I had one of my friends copy that down on a piece of paper for me when I was about 10 stuck it in my pocket and my mom found it, damn was I in trouble.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Under the old apple tree
The first time she showed it to me
It was hairy and black
She called it a crack
But it looked like a manhole to me
So I took out my trusty telephone poll
And put it in her manhole
She started to scream
as I turned on the cream
Under the old apple tree

AntiMatter Splatter's picture
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_______
I Poop therefore, I am. Oh and I am mwahahahaaa h... brb erm little too much belly tension there.

Its long and more of a song than a poem but here you go.

The Fart Song as i remember it from around 18 years ago!!
(the parlez vous is considered "nonsense ryhme" sometimes shown as "hinky dinky" not "inky pinky" and has been used for various rugby songs for many years and has possible "birth" connections with WW1)

there was an old lady 92
parlez vous
there was an old lady 92
parlez vous
there was an old lady 92,
sat on the loo an a fart came through ,
inky pinky parlez vous ous ous

the fart went rolling down the street
parlez vous
the fart went rolling down the street
parlez vous
the fart went rolling down the street,
knocked a copper off his feet,
inky pinky parlez vous ous ous

the copper got out his rusty whistle
parlez vous
the copper got out his rusty whistle
parlez vous
the copper got out his rusty whistle,
blew the fart from here to bristol!
inky pinky parlez vous ous ous

Bristol Rovers were playin at home
parlez vous
Bristol Rovers were playin at home
parlez vous
Bristol Rovers were playin at home,
kicked the fart from there tooo roooomeee,
inky pinky parlez vous vous ous

Julius Cesar "Drinky jim"
parlez vous
Julius Cesar "Drinky jim"
parlez vous
Julius Cesar "Drinky jim" opened his gob an the fart went in,
inky pinky parlez vous ous ous

the fart went rolling down his spine
parlez vous
the fart went rolling down his spine
parlez vous
the fart went rolling down his spine,
knocked his balls right outa line,
inky pinky parlez vous ous ous

And thus endeth the life of said fart, I believe ;-)

I Poop therefore, I am. Oh and I am mwahahahaaa h... brb erm little too much belly tension there.

That Guy's picture
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In the stalls they paint these walls to cover up my pen, unknownst to them the shithouse poet strikes again.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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There was an old man from Rangoon,
whose farts could be heard on the moon.
When least you'd expect-um
they'd blast from his rectum,
with the sound of a double bassoon.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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'Twas early inthe morning
And I could hardly wait
To get up on that morning
And gaze on my estate

I saw a little birdy
With a tiny little bill
I beckoned him to come and sit
On my window sill

I called him O so sweetly
With tint crusts of bread
Then closed the window quickly
And smashed his fuckking head

PluggedUpPooper's picture
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Here I sit and here I wait,
It's been too long, it's getting late.

I can't believe how long I've waited,
It's pretty obvious I'm constipated.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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"There once was a man from Brewster,
who exclaimed to his wife as he goosed her,
'this used to be grand...
but just look at my hand!
you don't wipe as good as you used to!"

There once was a girl named Dot
who lived off of pigshit and snot.
When she couldn't find these,
she ate the green cheese
that grew on the edge of her twat!

anonymous-retard's picture
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Here I sit between four walls
Rolling my shit into small balls
And as you read these words of wit
kindly eat my rotten shit!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Here i sit so broken hearted tried to shit but only farted then one day i took a chance tried to fart but shit my pants, as i sit in this stinky linger the bastard b4 took the tolit paper, as i sit here reading bathroom walls the fucker b4 can suck my balls.

realripsnorter's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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From the deep,dark depths of the african jungle come the cries of the Fuckahwe tribe ....... "Where the Fuck Ah We ?"_______
It's O.K., We just have to smell it; He's got to sit in it!

It's O.K., We just have to smell it; He's got to sit in it!

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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To the tune of Branded.

Stranded on a toilet bowl
What do you do if you are stranded without a roll ?

You act like a man and wipe with your hand cuz you're stranded on a toilet bowl.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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my fav - truck stop in wyoming sometime around 1978.

"Here I sit, buns-a-flexin'
giving birth to another Texan"

Meagan Weins's picture
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Cool that tool you crazy fool, i see that rise in your levis.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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ewwwww to all !

Anonymous Coward's picture
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One plop 2 plop 3 plop 4
OH SHIT! that one landed on the floor.

Scheißgeber's picture
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When I was young, I had no sense.
I pissed on an electric fence.
It shocked my dick, it shocked my balls,
It made me shit my overalls.

Seen in a truck stop in Saskatchewan:

Here I sit, buttcheeks a' hurtin',
I've just given birth to another Albertan.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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When I was young and in my prime
I used to bang chicks all the time

Now I'm old and have more sense
and fuck the knotholes in the fence

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I sat with the Dutchess at tea
She said "Do you fart when you pee?"
I said with some whit
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And thought it was one up for me!


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture
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The rest of that is " then one day just by chance tried to fart and shit my pants."