You've got one day on this eBay auction, described by the seller as a "2.23 BROWN Cushion Diamond LOOKS LIKE A TURD TO ME." A diamond, as you know if you've recently gotten engaged like I have, is judged by cut, clarity, color, and carat weight. This is a 2.23 carat diamond. The color, says the seller, is "Fancy vivid Ca-ca."

Folks, salesmanship isn't dead. What better way to get someone to drop five thousand dollars than by likening it to poop? If I hadn't already gotten my fiance her ring...

If the seller hasn't provided enough incentive, how's this: for any PoopReporter who spends $5,000 on this diamond, I'll throw in a free copy of The Journal of Ass Production. That's a $5 value. It's an offer you can't afford to turn down!