When the driver of Dave Matthews' tour bus was first accused of discharging 800 pounds of poop on to the heads of a hapless group of tourists, Matthews stood by his man. The band denied responsibility; they took the police on tours of the bus; they even offered to provide DNA to show the poop that rained through the metal grates of the Kinzie Street bridge wasn't theirs. The band was adamant of their innocence, yet generously apologetic at the same time.

But the authorities weren't dissuaded. They used surveillance tapes to identify the guilty bus and consulted with engineers to ensure the poop couldn't have accidentally leaked out. Confident in their detective work, they charged the driver of violinist Boyd Tinsley's bus (I guess he has his OWN bus) in the crime. Yesterday, he pleaded guilty. Driver Stefan Wohl's punishment for raining rock star-brand shit down on the heads of unsuspecting tourists: 18 months probation, 150 hours of community service and a $10,000 fine. The environmental turd terrorist was also suspended without pay from his job.

PoopReport applauds the Chicago authorities for their diligence in finding the culprit. There is no excuse for this action -- dumping raw poop into a river is just heinous, never mind the fact that it landed on people's heads.

However, being appalled by this crime doesn't keep us from being amused by this incredible firsthand account.