Holy crap, AB2K.
You used to do some great research for the BM Newswire. I had never seen all this stuff you conjured up before.
This ButtCandle one is particularily funny!

Has anyone tried the butt candle? Maybe someone should report. Not me though. I'm afraid of shoving burning things up my butt.

Instructions

Thoroughly shower or bathe; it's best to leave the backside somewhat damp. Squat, or lie on your back, to insert the ButtCandle ™ to a depth of no more than 3 inches. If you encounter resistance, do not shove ... rather, gently twist while applying firm and steady pressure.

Upon completion of insertion, lie on your back and pull knees to your chest. Strike the 10" wooden match that is provided. The lighting process, due to anatomical differences, is easier for women than for men. Men need to reach around their thigh to light the wick; whereas women will find it easier to reach directly between the legs. At no time should you permit the lit match to come in contact with your bodily parts.

As the candle burns, a vacuum will be created within the rectum and thereby draw out the stubborn fecal material. A gurgling sound and sensation is not uncommon or cause to worry. The candle will snuff itself after approximately 5 minutes.

If, at any time during the process, the need to void becomes urgent simply go to the toilet as normal; the candle will instanteously go out when it becomes vertically oriented and, furthermore, the candle is 100% soluble and septic-safe so there's no need to dispose of it in any other fashion.

The used ButtCandle ™ should not be handled by anyone and kept out of reach of small children and household animals. Many people find it relaxing to take a warm shower upon completion.

Well wouldn't that burn your ass! "At no time should you permit the lit match to come in contact with your bodily parts." I just love the warnings that come on products today.

Is this the same principle as the earwax removing technique?

Can someone explain why it's easier for men to reach around and women to reach between? I don't understand why it would be easier for women to reach between. Everyone wipes from the side, right?

Sonds very interesting. I would love to know scientifically how this method works though.

Men, while using the butt candle, keep it away from your genitalia, or you will be singing the first line of the Christmas Song. "Chesnuts roasting on an open fire". _______
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

I wonder whether the Elder Bush had this in mind when he coined the expression "a thousand points of light"?

Instructions:

1). Arrange decorated boxes in a 4 ft circle
2). Squat on hands and knees in middle of circle
3). Insert ButtCandle
4). Light ButtCandle
5). Turn out lights

Congratulations! Your ButtCandle Human Christmas Tree is now complete.

Note: Spraying pine-scented air freshener near a lit ButtCandle maybe hazardous to your Christmas spirit.

This was my favorite part:

"...simply go to the toilet as normal..."

WHAT?!? I'm supposed to GET UP and WALK to the toilet with a burning object sticking out of my butt? IIIII... don't think so.

Why stick a lit candle up your butt when you can just eat Taco Bell? It's not as if they have any different effect, and you'd save a ton of money...

_______
...and they all lived crappily ever after!

I like Taco Bell, damn it. You take that back!

I like Taco Bell too. I just know we've all heard the horror stories about it being a "butt burner". A joke about it was inevitable.

_______
...and they all lived crappily ever after!

Does anyone know where I can purchase a fine (preferably not used) grade-A Buttcandle?

I am working on a new invention.
It's for people on the go who do not have time to wait for a butt candle to work. I will call it the
"butt flare".

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I can hardly wait for next year's Burning Man!

I have tested the "butt flare". In the interest of safety the test was conducted outside. As soon as the smoke clears from my crack, an inspection will be performed to check for cleanliness.

There may be a use for the "butt flare" in sports, shortly after ignition I was able to jump across three trailers with ease.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

The butt candle would provide you with a unique way to light someone's cigarette.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Ummmmmm I thought that only worked on ears! You know, the EAR candle I think this story while funny is PHONY!
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AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)