Great story.

Karma comes full circle, even for hemmorhoids.

What sane person would name their hemmoroid's, let alone call them Bob!
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"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

Perhaps there's another Bond movie in here - Brownfinger?

While I don't have a hemorrhoid to name, I do call my ass Harry.

Maybe Joe needs to rule out Ulcerative Colitis and/or Crohns Disease. Both can cause anal fissures or anal fistulas. I know from the icky experience.

Healthy 1, I had two roids that I named Roid Rogers and Lumpy Rutherford. I kind of miss those guys.

Since I love chess, I name my current malady Bobby Fissure. Maybe Dr. OK is also a fan of that great champion.

Before Poopreport there was Bob,the anal fissure.
When I first encountered the saga of "the evil god Bob" my lunch almost came out my nose. Joe, sir you are a hero. This link has the same content as above except with illustrations for the semi-literate like me.
zug.com/scrawl/analbob/

They no longer use dilation to treat anal fissures at this point due to the unacceptable rate of bowel/flatus incontinence resulting from the surgery.

Yikes.

Disturbing... What else can I say? Anal fissures freak me out. I've heard that doctors are experimenting with Botox for treatment for anal fissure. (Perhaps in the article, but I'm a lazy asshole and skimmed.) It's supposed to stop the muscle spasms in your sphincter that may worsen a severe fissure. I recently read an article on the Mayo Clinic site discussing experiments with this treatment. Though I'm not sure what sort of shitting habits that leaves one.

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Born right the first time.

Howdy folks, I know all-too-well the pain and living hell of having an anal fissure. I thought I'd compile a list of the remedies and treatments you can do yourself to heal it up. Of course, ALWAYS go see a doctor to be sure there's nothing more serious going on.

Okay here goes:
-Avoid constipation by any means, drink lots of water, eat fruits, fibre, whole grains. Hard, large stool will tear your ass up (ouch)
-Vitamin E gel caps (800 IU-1000 IU) Poke a hole in 'em, apply to a gloved hand then around and in your asshole. Heals scars and aids healing.
-Preperation H Suppositories. The cocoa butter in these heals wounds and also coats your rectum allowing poo to flow like warm butter. Mmmm. Apply morning, night, and after every poo.
-Lube up your shitter before shitting with petroleum jelly, or even Vitamin E gel. This prevents the dung from tearing your bum.
-Sitz baths. Sit in warm water for 15-20 minutes. Increases blood flow to inner sphincter to promote healing.
-There are two products I found called Heal Fissure. One is an essential oil (www.amoils.com), another is an all-natural suppository (google Finlandia pharmacy)
-Apparently, Tea Tree Oil applied in and around the anus can heal the wound, then after that, Lavender Oil will keep it healed.
-Also, when wiping, be VERY gentle. Moisten your TP with hot water, use flushable moistened wipes (perfume-free), Hydrogen Peroixide on TP cleans all the leftover poo-remnants. Be sure to fully dry you butt too afterwards.
-Talcum Powder applied to your butt relieves pain and itching.

So, that's pretty much it. Again, I am not a doctor and you should go see a doctor first and foremost, but hopefully this will help relieve the pain and living hell a little bit. Also, if you notice the symptoms of a fissure, don't wait! Start treating immediately or else it will worsen and worsen until your ass is completely fucked!!!

Cheers!

There is a Vitamin E moisturizing cream that some drugstores have. I use it occasionally as the final wipe (put a nice dab on the toilet paper, wipe thoroughly, send up through the anus). It feels very soothing. It is not expensive, and a little goes a long way.

MSG, by "a long way" how far up the anus do you go?

Oh, I forgot the best remedy! Apparently, if you can get your hands on wheatgrass extract, you can mix it with some cream base (for cosmetics) and smear it around and in your area. Apparently works wonders. Also, drinking wheatgrass juice boosts your body's healing ability.
Yeah, that Vitamin E gel works wonders.