Get to know Dutch toilets -- including "the shelf"

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Thanks to JMS for sending in this link.

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"Unfortunately, visiting the toilet at home is seldom much better, requiring a degree in problem solving. But first we must investigate the real issue, the inspection shelf. The odd shape of the toilet incorporates a shelf that rests above the waterline and acts as an examination table, as it would appear the Dutch pay more attention to their meals after they eat them than when making them.



"The shelf involves you in two things that you

9 Comments on "Get to know Dutch toilets -- including "the shelf""

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

I always examine my poop for changes.

The good thing about the shelf toilet is, they are frequenly cleaned. No choice in that one.
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It's not nice to fool mother nature.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

General Zod's picture

Utterly ridiculous. I employ Occam's Razor, particularly when it relates to where I am defecating. What's simple usually works best, Dutchies, so thanks but no thanks on the whole Shit Plateau.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

My first encounter with one of these was actually my first shit on a foreign land. I've spoken of my shit trauma in Germany when I was 13 in the Teachers Splat thread, but when I got off the ferry at the Hook Of Holland, I went into the terminal toilet and was astonished to find this extraordinary ledge looking up at me where I expected to find the familiar pool of water at the bottom. I remember staring at it for a few minutes, wondering whether I'd gone into the women's loo by mistake and this was some sort of strange feminine contraption (hey, I was only young) but realised that it all washed down the hole at the back, and that the shit landed on the ledge for reasons I couldn't work out. My opinion of countries outside of England was somewhat prejudiced by the fact that my first experience of a foreign toilet seemed so bizarre, and I made a mental note to never come abroad again if it meant using these disgusting things. The ledge seemed so high up in the bowl that I wondered whether by sitting on the seat my arse would actually be touching the turd as it rested on the ledge and I'd get crap smeared all over it. However, I couldn't spend too much time in the toilet pondering this as the class were all mooching about putting baggage on our bus, and I didn't want to be the one everybody was waiting for, but I felt really awkward about baring my bum to it and shitting.

The need to empty my arse prevailed and I tried to hover above it in order to drop my load, but I lost my balance as I pushed out last night's dinner and landed on the seat with a thud, grimacing as the turd emerged, momentarily noticing the odd feeling of pressure from below as the end of my shit touched the ledge before the rest of it had fully exited my little teenage hoop. But as it fell onto it's side and I winked out the afterbirth, the smell was bloody appalling. Given that I usually plopped straight into the water, which keeps the smell down, stomach upsets aside, this was the first time I'd really smelled my own 'dry' shit and I was surprised how powerful the stench was, but I stood up, and took the opportunity to actually look at my shit up close. I recall being quite surprised by the little cracks and colour changes that decorated it, but I wiped, threw the paper on top and flushed. It amazed me that the poo and the paper whooshed away with incredible speed straight down the hole, leaving a sparkling clean ledge with about half a centimetre of water covering the bevelled centre, so I washed my hands and went off to find the others.

The hostel where we stayed in Germany had normal toilets thankfully, but I noticed that places we went to during our stay frequently had these ledge toilets also, and despite my initial trepidation and needless fear of buttock contamination, they were actually pretty good to use. They were a subject of much mirth among us sniggering teens, particularly when we discovered that people in this part of the world frequently and habitually examined their turds to assess their general health, which at the time seemed like the funniest thing in the world. Because the smell lingered so much in these toilets, we would amuse ourselves in the dormitary at night by impersonating Nazis goose-stepping into the toilet, sniffing the air with a self-satisfied 'Mmmmmm', followed by "Hosen down! Eins Zwei", "Unterhosen down! Eins Zwei!" "Scheiße! Eins Zwei!" "Look at Scheiße, Eins Zwei!" etc, etc.

Well, it was funny at the time. Whether the hostel manager thought so, fuck knows. After his toilet got blocked, he gave us a pretty wide berth.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

Eins Zwei! Eins Zwei!
Insulting farewell gesture to zer prisoners- Eins Zwei!
Classic Black Adder.
This also reminds me of the Viz characters, The Bottom Inspectors.
Crazy Dutchmen- are they really as arrogant and bent as we're led to believe? I can't say, as I've never been to Dutchmanland, but at work, theres a couple of Van Der Wankers, and if they're anything to go by, man, I'll be giving the place a wide berth.
...*snigger* Dutch Alps... Two Aspros on an ironing board...
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The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points

I couldn't imagine shitting on a shelf. That's just rediculous. And I don't think it'd come clean with a lil brush and disinfectant. My shit has a lot of greasy fatty looking...shit in it. And it sticks to the toilet. Even a high powered water stream won't blast it away.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Yes BM, that's exactly what it was like! When Blackadder 2 came out a couple of years later it was quite spooky! Although in this case our impersonations sprung from watching Dads Army, 'Allo 'Allo (which had just started at the time and was very popular with the kids who too German), lots of war movies with our dads on boring Sunday afternoons, Basil Fawlty, and our PE teacher Mr Smallcoombe (or Mr Smallcock as we called him) who was a fucking physical fitness nazi and would treat us like a drill sergeant treats his troops. "Assume positioooon! One two! One two!" that kind of thing. Happy days? I think not. They keep saying to me that I'd miss school when I left, but I still don't.

I didn't discover Viz until a couple of years later through. "Bare your bottom!!"

As for the Hollanders, actually the Dutch are amazingly cool and not arrogant at all, unlike their Teutonic neighbours. I'm biased I suppose because I lived with one once (in fact I taught him how to light a fart) but my experience of them both over there and over here is a tolorant, helpful, chilled-out people with a remarkably sensible philosophy of what really matters in life. However, in my experience of them, which admittedly has only been over here, I cannot often say the same of their off-shoots the South Africans.

And leaky, shitting on a shelf ain't as bad as it seems. The jet washing it away is pretty strong and you DO get to see your poo up close and inspect it for general health.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

Come to think of it, there are a few Dutchmen that have left an indelible mark on the music industry- Eddie Van Halen, for example.
...and how about these Dutchmen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpV5InLw52U

(hope the link works)
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The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Ah Focus! One of the most frequently overlooked bands of the last millennium... *sigh*

Lets not forget Golden Earring, Finch (not the emo band, the REAL Finch from the seventies) the sexy sax seductress Candy Dulfer, and those current goth metal masters Within Temptation for starters...

Must be something to do with (almost) legal dope...
*even bigger sigh*

spattacus's picture
l 100+ points

Thanks for the link BM, I'm now following the related videos along a Tull theme!