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oxypowder

America asserts its freedom to wipe

Posted 04.26.2007 by GottaGoGirl
Like bowel movements, the news is transient. (At least, we hope our BMs keep moving and don't stop!) You're all surely aware of the recent furor over a comment made by singer Sheryl Crow for the world to use only one square of toilet paper, per person, per pee-pee parturition.

When the story broke, this was my initial reaction, as written for the BM Newswire:

I have good news! Singer Sheryl Crow is changing the world, one ass at a time. Crow has suggested using (in her words): "...only one square (of toilet paper) per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting."

My question is, how is that enforceable? Is that not an infringement on our basic rights? Our right to have a clean, uh, whistle?

Well, I say, "Thank God!" Thank God there are people out there like Sheryl Crow who are willing to sacrifice their time, talent, and treasure to make the world a safer, more piss-dribbled place. I for one am humbled and shamed by Ms. Crow's inestimable contribution to society by trying to limit our toilet paper use. It's about time!

Aw, who am I kidding? I'm going to Costco and buying as much Kirkland Signature toilet paper as will fit into my trunk. Then I'm going to ceremoniously THROW AWAY an EXTRA square, each and every day, in honor of Sheryl Crow.

But just as quickly as the snow melted, though, the story changed. Crow stated that the comment on her blog was meant as a joke, but was glad that it garnered attention for environmentalism. But not before the public registered it's outrage at the affront on our basic bathroom rights.

I think we've learned a valuable lesson: environmental issue or not, people do not like being told how much toilet paper to use.

We like when celebrities get behind our beliefs. Where we don't want them is behind our commodes.

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Show some poop support, or make a poop retort.
Dave (11627) -- 04.26.2007

The way America reacted to the suggestion that we change the way we wipe -- wipe free or die! -- reminded me of what happened when P&G and Kimberly Clark tried to get us to use wet wipes. I think the lesson is clear: we'll recycle cans and we'll buy CFL light bulbs, but god help you if you try to change our wiping habits.

The Thunderous ... (687) -- 04.26.2007

OMG can you imagine how NASTY her asscrack must be. ONE square per visit? Even to poop? That is just WRONG. There is NO way your ass is clean after using ONE fucking square. Sorry Cheryl you better hope those dumps come out clean. That is carrying conservation to extreme here.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Great comment! +1 point
Fart Poopie (1257) -- 04.26.2007

Assuming she was serious, and that the 1 square regulation was passed into law, then I'll be the first person to sell toilet paper with 12"x12" 4-ply squares.

Bilgepump (1676) -- 04.26.2007

To hell with the squares, sheets, rolls, et al. and just give me the whole fucking tree....

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 04.26.2007

Bilgey, I thought you used cats.

Bilgepump (1676) -- 04.26.2007

Where do you think the cat is? It got wise to me and ran up into the top boughs...

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 04.26.2007

See, there's your first mistake. You let him be an outdoor cat.

Bilgepump (1676) -- 04.26.2007

No, it got away after slashing my scrotum, I was distracted, chasing my testicles across the floor and under the couch, little bastard ran out the back door that had been left slightly agape (I really like that word, "agape")

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 04.26.2007

Must... resist... urge to... quote... cheesy... movies...

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

So... your cat triples as a pet/butt-wipe/vasectomy specialist?

Bilgepump (1676) -- 04.27.2007

Just double checked wiki on "agape"...yep, it means what I thought it means...

I know it doesn't make sense, but why the fuck should I start now?

Anomalous Coward (690) -- 04.27.2007

I'm so glad we gots us some c'leburties to look out for such impotant details.
Who the hell made her the grand arbiter of ass-wipery?

daphne (3607) -- 04.30.2007

It could be because she's wiping up what's left of her career and figured out it would only take one square?

Oh, that was so not nice. Forgive me Sheryl. It was a joke.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

UK (not verified) -- 05.01.2007

just one word, you filthy-assed Americans - "bidet". And Cheryl Crow sucks ass balloons.

daphne (3607) -- 05.01.2007

....that your mother blows up.

Nyah.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Mary Queen of Scats (387) -- 05.02.2007

My husband is a logger, so I take personal offense at Crow's suggestion. I even have a bumper sticker on my car (that my honey so lovingly applied for me) that says "If you object to logging, wipe your ass with a pine cone."

It's easy for Ms. Crow to say she's going to change the world one sheet at a time...God forbid she should use fewer lights for her stage shows and only have ONE semi spewing diesel fumes into the atmosphere to haul around all her shit...I mean, stuff.


_______
What do you mean you didn't see it? It was right next to the toilet!

Dr. Strangeturd (37) -- 05.02.2007

Sheryl Crow is a lame-ass hippie.

I hope she chokes on tofu.

I'm going to go burn some plastic bags.


_______
My plans were foiled again, by those damn PooperFriends!

Big Female Pooper (14) -- 05.04.2007

I don't worry about how much toilet paper I use in the bathroom. I use enough to get the job done and if you object to logging, try using plastic toilet paper.

Gaseous Glay (110) -- 05.06.2007

There can be only one possible explanation: Sheryl Crow poops out hard, rock like, dry rabbit pellets exclusively and is unaware of the sloppy wet shit most of us know all too well.

Rob in NYC (not verified) -- 05.09.2007

Why doesn't Sheryl Crow take the concept one step further and suggest that people eat and drink less? That way, people would go the the bathroom less frequently and use even less toilet paper.

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 05.09.2007

Ooh, Rob. Excellent point. I love taking things to the extreme conclusion.

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