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"Bad, Bad Bath": creating bathrooms that miss the pointPosted 05.08.2006 by Dave
When we PoopReporters look at bathrooms, we evaluate them based on particularly utilitarian terms: will the toilet choke on our monster logs? Is there paper on the roll and a plunger next to the throne? Will the exhaust fan be able to dissipate the stench before it permeates the entire house?
We think those thoughts because we possess a fundamental understanding of the purpose of the bathroom. But there exists a whole segment of society who could stand next to you in the doorway of your bathroom and come up with entirely different concerns: does the tone and texture of the shower curtain complement the hand-stamped concrete tile? Is the basin custom-built by Italian artisans, and how does it contrast with the brushed steel fixtures? This segment of society is, in other words, wholly obsessed with every aspect of the bathroom except for the one that matters. And now these people have a TV show. Premiering Tuesday night on HGTV: Bad, Bad Bath, a show dedicated to transforming "ugly-duckling water closets into alluring lavatories." I admit: I haven't seen this show. I haven't seen a commercial for this show. I don't know anything about this show other than that it sounds like yet another Trading Spaces rip-off designed to stimulate the urge to buy in the vast majority of Americans who believe the emptiness of their lives can be alleviated by the accumulation of stuff they see on TV. But I feel comfortable in predicting that there will be a lot of talk about tone and texture and fung shui and elegance and harmony, and very little about the ground-shaking bog-rumblers that will ultimately be defining the room. While I appreciate sandblasted mirrored glass and stone acanthus crown molding as much as the next guy, I know that the most important aspect of the bathroom is the prowess of its Ferguson vis-à-vis whatever speckled shrimp fate may have in store for me. HGTV is actively soliciting bathrooms to feature on the show. As you can see from the application, their focus is "ugly" bathrooms. Functionality is absent from their criteria for makeover. The biggest crisis facing American bathrooms, they seem to think, is the way they look -- not the way they perform. Nevertheless, I encourage all PoopReporters to submit their bathroom for consideration on the show. Should one of us be selected, it'll be up to you to teach HGTV and the American homeowner where priorities should lie. When a team of designers and carpenters and cameramen show up at your house with their hammers and their paint swatches, greet them with a generous lunch of bulgur burgers or some other recipe for ass faucet; and as the shoot progresses and the stomachs churn, cast and crew will realize exactly what aspect of the bathroom their show should really be focusing on. Show some poop support, or make a poop retort.
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