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Incontinent speeders rejoice: the bathroom excuse works

Posted 05.22.2007 by Dave
I've often wondered how many traffic accidents are caused by speeding motorists cannonballing it back home to avoid the runs. While the government doesn't keep statistics, I bet many first responders their stories about attending to dazed accident victims with gashes on their forehead and splashes on their upholstery. When I was in high school, I was told that I'd get cheaper car insurance if I kept my grades up (the logic being that good kids are less likely to get in accidents); I'm surprised that Allstate's actuaries aren't counting Taco Bell frequency as another risk factor.

One reason this will always remain the auto industry's dirty little secret is because no one wants to admit they were endangering themselves and others just because a McDonalds crapper wasn't up to their standards. But in Inverness, Scotland, one driver recently 'fessed up to the truth -- and was rewarded for it.

On March 24, William MacKenzie was caught driving 102 MPH in a 70 MPH zone. In court, though, he pleaded that there were mitigating factors -- namely that he was a cancer patient whose radiation treatment left him with a desperate need to drive the Hershey highway.

And last week in court, Inverness Sheriff Colin Scott-Mackenzie took pity on the cancer survivor's blown gasket. Although the sheriff noted that MacKenzie could have "found himself a bush to relieve himself if he had been that desperate," the sheriff nevertheless imposed a lesser sentence below what would have normally been a three-month driving ban and a £100 fine.

The BBC didn't report the testimony of the ticketing officer. Presumably, though, he or she provided the court with eyewitness testimony that convinced them of the truth of poor Mr. MacKenzie's story. What did the officer encounter when MacKenzie rolled down his window? Did stench billow out of the car like a green fog? Did the glare of the flashlight reflect off a black pool in the driver's lap? Or perhaps the cop knew immediately from the look on Mr. MacKenzie's face. After all, a veteran officer will instantly recognize the confused look of the DUI or the defiant look of the armed robber; perhaps the guilty look of a self-shitter is admissible in court.

"License and registr-- oh my God!"

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Jimmynose (not verified) -- 05.22.2007

I once almost got in an accident speeding home to poop. It scared me so much I actually didn't have to poop when I got home.

The Thunderous ... (660) -- 05.23.2007

I went to grandmoms yesterday. She is 90 years old God Bless her. Now she is also an Italian grandmother. For all of you who dont understand the ramifications of this let me put it this way, her meatballs and cooking produces gas and poop that could heat Texas for a year.

So after a dinner of crab cakes and steak purchased of course from QVC it was only a matter of waiting. Well about one hour after this meal which also included the hottest of hot peppers that ol familiar feelin kicked in. Off to the bathroom I went.

The dump went well and even left some skidmarks in the bowl. I properly ventilated her bathroom and went downstairs. As I was getting ready to leave, I felt a twinge but I thought I could make the 1hr 20 min drive from Philly to just near Atlantic City there was NO traffic. Well folks always go with the first twinge.

I was fine going up 95 even over the Whitman bridge I felt rumbling but NO pain. But the closer I got to home the cramping started. By the time I reached my exit we HAD A CODE BROWN warning. Of course I guess the poo gods felt sorry for me and I encountered nothing but green lights and no traffic to my house.

I made it home and my ass just barely touched the seat and the very things that make me the ol THUNDEROUS CRAPPER began happening. It burned it was liquid and it was VILE. I made prayers to the gods in thanks.

Folks take it from the ol TC here, go with your first instincts when even a twinge hits. Like grannys ol boyfriend who was a prisoner of war in WW2 used to say"Wait a while" I guess being a POW messed his guts up too. He didnt even trust a twinge.

Perhaps we can learn something here.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 05.30.2007

The thing is, had he found a bush to relieve himself, he'd probably have been arrested for public indecency or a similar public order offence. After all, this is the country that closes most or all of the public toilets and locks up others half the time, and then fines or arrests people for taking a leak in public.

I have medical problems that often mean I have to make frequent, urgent bathroom visits. While I don't know how it is elsewhere in the world, the UK as a whole is sorely lacking in public toilets. And to be honest, most people would probably rather not end up squatting at the side of a road somewhere gushing liquishit over everything (probably including themselves), deal with the humiliation and still risk getting fined or worse.

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