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Realizing Ben Franklin's gassy dream

Posted 01.30.2006 by SamDamnit
I often refer to my mate's farts as "smelling like roses." Of course, this is a bit of hyperbole on my part. But what if it were true? What if it were possible? Well, good news: some scientists at Philadelphia's Monell Chemical Senses Center are working to de-stink dung. As the Discovery Channel reports, "A chemist and a nose specialist have just invented a new compound that turns manure's stench into a 'pleasant-smelling' odor."

There are actually two processes that they are using. Both are intended for use on farms, and both for after the fact of excretion. One of them is an agent that, when stirred in to the poop, keeps it from releasing any vapor. The other, more interesting one is supposed to block your smell receptors from noticing the poop smell: "…one part of the process takes advantage of a natural phenomenon known as olfactory cross adaptation, which happens when the nose adapts to one odor and then becomes less sensitive to a second smell that is perceptually or structurally different from the first."

Basically, your poop smell receptors are the same ones that receive some other smells. If they bind a pleasant or neutral smell with the poop, you don't smell it at all.

It seems that we just need to find a way to make this a food additive. If we could do that, then we could finally possibly carry out the proposal made by Benjamin Franklin in his essay Fart Proudly. Mr. Franklin proposed an additive that would make one's farts smell good. As he puts it:

"To discover some Drug wholesome & not disagreeable, to be mixed with our common Food, or Sauces, that shall render the natural Discharges of Wind from our Bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as Perfumes."
He believed that such an additive would make us feel more free to let loose the stinky goose, thus making us less anal retentive and healthier of mind and body. I ask you, dear reader, couldn't Dick Cheney do with a little freedom of the butt sput? Don't you think that Kim Jong Il might be a little nicer if he were not so bound up? Don't you think that some looser sphincters might aid in the pursuit of world peace? I'll leave you with Mr. Franklin's final say on the matter.
"In short, this Invention, if completed, would be, as Bacon expresses it, bringing Philosophy home to Mens Business and Bosoms. And I cannot but conclude, that in Comparison therewith, for universal and continual UTILITY, the Science of the Philosophers above-mentioned, even with the Addition, Gentlemen, of your "Figure quelconque" and the Figures inscribed in it, are, all together, scarcely worth a FART-HING."
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SamDamnit (1191) -- 01.30.2006

Last week was Mr. Franklin's 300th birthday. I probably should have mentioned that.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 01.30.2006

Thanks for that, Sam.
If farts had a pleasant smell, people would fart on purpose to freshen up their houses. All that farting is bound to increase sharts and accidental pants pooping. This, in turn leads to more PoopReports, so it's good all around.

Cracktacular (228) -- 01.30.2006

Good reporting, Sam.

I dunno about pleasant smelling farts. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer paint-peeling "Discharges of Wind." I think that in this life we are meant to take the good with the bad, the glad with the sad & the happy with the crappy.

Bunga Din (1238) -- 01.30.2006

I like this idea of pleasant smelling farts,women would finally be set free to blast away in public , men would probably be reduced to a more base mode of operation(think dogs sniffing each others asses)but overall I can see it liberating both sexes. Can you imagine your wife on Superbowl Sunday, "honey, please just 1 more can of beans and finish a few more beers, the guests will be here any minute".

AssBlaster2000 (1117) -- 01.30.2006

Bunga says: "I like this idea of pleasant smelling farts, women would finally be set free to blast away in public"

What? Women are not supposed to be free to blast away farts in public? I must have played hooky when that memo was passed around . . .

The idea of applying this substance to cow manure is wonderful, or maybe apreading it in the catbox, but I don't think I'd enjoy it very much if farts didn't smell. It would really take all the fun out of life.

And I can understand why these scientists try so hard. Philadelphia smells like total ass. It must have even in Ben Franklin's day.

Cracktacular (228) -- 01.30.2006

Yeah, being from Northern Jersey, I say Philly can take a hike.

SamDamnit (1191) -- 01.30.2006

I too would miss the joy of sitting in my own putrid miasma, but I would like the rest of the world to take the sweet smelling additive.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

The Shit Volcano (3676) -- 01.31.2006

Yes, we women fart in public often. I enjoy stinking up aisles in Wal-Fart. Screw society and it's prudist expectations!

3flusher (45) -- 02.02.2006

3flusher I keep telling my wife and grandson that mine don't stink. They are in Denial.
Really, I think sweet smelling shit would be a dangerous use of technology!

SamDamnit (1191) -- 02.09.2006

Keeping in mind that any thing you can smell, you have in your mouth, it might be best to keep the stink on shit. If I am inhaling tiny poop particles, I want to know about it. Doing otherwise would be like taking the smell out of the gas we use for our ovens.

SamDamnit!
President and Commander and Chiefof Poopreportia
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

The Dumpster (2510) -- 02.09.2006

Q: Why do farts smell so bad?

A: So deaf people can enjoy them, too.

GottaGoGirl (2615) -- 08.13.2007

In the deaf community, there's even a sign that they make when a fart is first smelt.

The last person to get a whiff and put up the sign is blamed for letting the fart.

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