The Cottonelle for Kids conspiracy

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The Cottonelle for Kids conspiracy

Posted 02.22.2006 by SamDamnit

How much paper should a crapper scrap?

Does one dare to use one square?

How long should a shit sheet be?

These are the questions that end relationships and confound the world at large. Everyone seems to have a different style of wiping, and we all seem to use varying amounts of paper to do the job. Some people bunch the paper in to a big wad while others fold it neatly into layers. No one wants to get poo on their hand, but no one wants to destroy the environment -- or, worse, clog up the toilet.

Kimberly-Clark claims to have come up with a solution: training people at an early age to use TP sparingly. Cottonelle for Kids is dookie paper that shows you when to stop unrolling it. As explained in a thinly-veiled press release masquerading as news, "It consists of premium toilet paper with paw prints leading to a puppy on every fifth sheet to cue the kid where to tear off -- plus a tub of flushable moist wipes."

Aside from the potential for kids to start using puppies to wipe themselves, I see another problem here. I suspect that Kimberly-Clark intends to train a new generation to rely on their moist wipes into adulthood. Perhaps that is why they have chosen the conservative number of five as the amount of sheets a child should use. Although I personally use only four or five squares per wipe, I know that most people use more. In addition to the recent poll, PoopReport actually did a fairly scientific Toilet Paper Square Usage Survey a few years back. Dave, the statistician behind the survey, is quoted as saying, "We found that people use an average of 44 squares per flush (although, alas, we don't have data on the number of squares per wipe)."

If we take the five squares recommended by Kimberly-Clark and plug it in to Dave's findings, we come up with nine wipes to clean the average assterisk. Thus the five wipe limit strikes me as a ploy to push the moist wipes. No kid is going to diligently adhere to their allotted five squares over and over again when they can do it with a couple of wipes. Eventually the wipes -- which are more expensive, of course -- will take the place of toilet paper.

If that seems terribly wasteful, we may want to pursue the idea proposed by Paraschiv Usturoiu, head of the Department of Culture in Vrancea County, Bucharest, Romania. He's decided that all his workers will do fine using newspapers and magazines to wipe. "I can't afford to buy toilet paper any more," he said, "so I cut some local newspapers into pieces and placed them in the toilets. I'm sure they'll work just fine."

His employees are not so enthusiastic, and are registering complaints about the new policy. Perhaps they should have been started with newspaper at an earlier age.

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The Dumpster (2506) -- 02.22.2006

Sam, where DOO you come up with these news reports? Especially the one about using newspaper for TP? If I ever heard of a prescription for clogged pipes, that's it!

Thanks for your crack reporting skills.

rose (not verified) -- 02.22.2006

I learned a hint from a friend with six kids-
take the rolls and dent them,this way the kids only get two sheets at a time and to get more they gotta work for it,I also find that this keeps them in there a little longer and therefore
out of your hair.

Sam too (not verified) -- 02.22.2006

Wow, impressive as always!

Lola Cake© (not verified) -- 02.22.2006

oh damnit! so using puppies to wipe isnt an option? Thank god for this article orthewise it could have been disastrous!

Cracktacular (228) -- 02.22.2006

Damn the man! Pretty soon we'll be installing telescreens in bathrooms. The corporate mind control must stop.

SamDamnit (1192) -- 02.22.2006

That is a good idea, Rose. It's like some of the ones that they have in public bathrooms. Those frustrate the hell out of me.
_______
SamDamnit!
ALL SEEING, BENEVOLENT
KING LORD GOD ALMIGHTY
OF THE ENTIRE INTERNET
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Bunga Din (1239) -- 02.22.2006

Good reporting, once again corporate mind control at work, get them early and you'll have them for life. You know, if I could change my answer on the upper decking poll from a few days ago I would now vote for upper decking the offices at Kimberly-Clark.

Poop Shooter (598) -- 02.22.2006

Great repot Sam. goes along with the current Poll question going on now. I am baffeled at the amount ot tp in the toilet when my kids (7 and 10) don't flush. No wonder I need to have my septic tank pumped 10X more then I should. Eeks!

_______
Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 02.23.2006

I agree that this is a conspiracy. Next thing we know Joe Camel will be back, only he'll be Joe Buttwipe.

The conspiracy will grow from here. Pretty soon we will have Wipe-bots in every bathroom. Anyone who uses more than five wipes will receive an electric shock to remind them of their place.

Or worse, perhaps there will be little TV screens in our bathrooms in which Big Brother will correct our wiping stance, amount of toilet paper used, and proper disposal. Then line your ass up at the laser for a rectal scan, just to make sure you are clean.

Let's hope it's Big Brother and not the Wipe-bots. Recent undercover surveillance has discovered that programmers at the Wipe-bot factory are planning a world takeover with a secret Pooptel chip implanted in the Wipe-bot's brain. These robotic wet wipe/toilet paper nazis will eventually pull away from their masters and kill all living humans.

Eventually they will mutate and become transforming liquid cyborgs. I can see the end of the world as we know it. Toilets overflowing with buttwipe. TP hanging from every tree, house, and car. The mother computer nested inside a giant toilet paper roll, which will sit on the former site of Los Angeles.

The air pressure is getting low here. Thus, I am getting strange this morning...

Think I'll go back to bed.

mary mary (2) -- 02.23.2006

Honey, the dog is coming to live with me.

SamDamnit (1192) -- 02.23.2006

Uh oh.

_______
The Late Great
SamDamnit!
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

La Petomaine (85) -- 02.24.2006

Well...
Aside from the idea that I should now use my dachshund to wipe myself, I have to say that in general I am a proponent of moist wipes, as is my son. It's a more comfortable way to clean up after having a particularly messy dump. And in our house, The Clean Shit is a rare and blessed phenomenon.
So since my dogs are already stinky enough, I'll stick to using moist wipes.
Although I agree with you that this is a conspiracy--either to get people to save a tree by wiping their ass on the dog, to give plumbers more money by getting people to use more moist wipes and clog the toilet more often, or both!

_______
Have a crappy day!
La Petomaine

Lame comment! -1 point

KeepOnCrappin (551) -- 02.24.2006

I say, use paper towels and save your pants.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 02.27.2006

Dear SamDamnit, We have two of those very expensive low flush toliets and have bought a "snake" to keep at the ready. But then you have to clean the "snake" which contaminates the sink or bathtub. Any ideas?

Mom

KeepOnCrappin (551) -- 02.27.2006

AC makes a point. I say, use the trash can and save the day.

EFRO King (not verified) -- 03.01.2006

Dry toilet paper is unsanitary and anyone who uses it, including about 200 million Americans, has a dirty, stinky ass crack. It needs to go the way of the horse and buggy.

SamDamnit (1192) -- 03.01.2006

Dearest Coward,
I suggest you flush after every wipe and refrain from using wet wipes. There are also some varieties of lo-flo toilets that work better than others. The Turks make one that has one less dog leg in the pipe, and a smoother exit pipe that keeps things from dragging.

_______
The Late Great
SamDamnit!
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 03.01.2006

Wet wipes and other constant use of antibiotics are what make nasty resistant bacteria. Where I'm all for keeping things clean (I'm AM a germophobic, after all) I have a problem with people constantly spraying everything in the universe with antibiotic solutions. That's why I am bothered by these recent Lysol commercials, where Mommy Dearest goes around the house spraying all the kids' toys with chemicals before putting them away.

Commercialism makes me sick. Commercialism that programs people to be afraid of something makes me even sicker.

P.S. Beware the wipe-bots!!!

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 04.12.2006

TSV-- Yeah, I'm bothered by the Febreeze commercials where Mom sprays (the couch, the carpet, the drapes, the duvet, whatever), and somebody walks by and sticks their face in the fabric, inhaling. That can't be good.
_______
"You polished up my low-flow, and I dirtied up your bowl!"

The Dumpster (2506) -- 04.16.2006

"Home should be clean enough to be healthy, but dirty enough to be happy."

healthy 1 (1427) -- 12.02.2006

TSV, I got a kick out of your first post in this thread, but what you say has a ring of truth to it.

I can see a time coming when there will be a computerized ass wiper. I think these companies are trying to sway the public to moist wipes.

It seems that these big companies want us to become even more wastefull. This way, the companies make more and more profits from us. The more new products we buy, the more new products will be introduced to the public (and at a higher price too). It all comes down to greed and waste.
______
Watch out for the deadly F4, though he's been gone since '53, he will be back.

Constipated (not verified) -- 12.08.2006

Hmm, why is everyone so against the Cottonelle-Kids Toilet Paper? I just ran out of toilet paper today, and when i was looking at the isle, i saw them and immediately picked a 4-pack. I saw the comerical for them and i thought it was the most adorable way to TEACH kids not to overuse TP. I was excited when i went home to replace the empty bar of tp, and to my surprise, i think that is PLENTY of squars for a kid, or even a big kid (young adult) like me :) the quality is what i expected. Soft, and not too thin; Better than most tp's. I honestly prefer CHARMIN ULTRA EXTRA THICK TP. And if they have the sented ones...EVEN BETTER.

Chagrined Charmin user (not verified) -- 09.14.2007

IS there a Charmin size of roll consipracy going on? When I wipe (im a folder) i roll the tube a few times to get my squares and fold and go. I have noticed that when we buy the ultra, or mega size rolls instead of regular sized rolls I (using the same # of rolls of the roll due to conditioning) invariably end up with many more sheets - i.e. larger roll, larger circumfrence, same # of turns = more squares used per wipe, more wastage on my end (double entendres make me laugh). I also assume that to manufacture a mega roll has some cost savings to Charmin (more squares less tubes, higher average price = better profit margin). So now i have been to a dozen stores looking for my tride and true Charmin Ultra regular roll - and no luck, all I can find are mega and ultra sized rolls. IS Charmin deliberately fading out the regular rolls in lieu of a higher profit margin, higher wasting sized roll? I bet Kimberly Clark has usage stats and metrics showing that the mega rolls wasted more squares while maintaining higher mfg profit margins. Anyone else feel this way - any other metrics or stats or forums to back this theory up?

Chagrined Charmin User

Deja Poo (649) -- 09.14.2007

The average person uses 44 sheets of asswipe per flush? I'm way under the average at 6 sheets per wipe. Even if it's a multi-wiper, I'm only using 12, or 24 for the really serious business.

Heck, I was even thinking about taking Sheryl Crow's advice and only using 1 sheet per wipe. I just haven't mustered the bravery to give it a go yet.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Hamster (581) -- 09.14.2007

DP - its a good point you make. Who NEEDS 44 sheets for God's sake!! On a typical visit, FOUR is more than enough for me. Yet I frequently see toilets full of, apparently clean, paper. Waste!!! Can't bear it!!

Missyb (not verified) -- 10.11.2008

I like the damn shit paper and my kids love it too. I never thought someone would get online to complian about some damn shit paper GET A LIFE! I like to wipe my ass with puppy shit paper. Stop before the damn puppy you syko bastards, again GET A DAMN LIFE, AND ANOTHER FUCKING HOBBIE. Now i'm about to go back to find what store is selling this cute ass ashit paper.

MSG (742) -- 10.12.2008

Nowadays my poop is softer than when I was younger because I drink so much water (to avoid recurrence of kidney and bladder stones). I use, at most, 10 sheets after a bowel movement, in pads of 4, 3, and 3 sheets. If I should have a harder movement requiring fewer wipes, I use fewer sheets. I can't imagine needing 44 sheets. What a waste!