A recent study of colleges by U.S. News and World Report reveals that a small private Massachusetts liberal arts college ranks as number one in the nation. I believe it also ranks for number two.

It would seem there's been a recent spate of splatterings upon the fine campus of this esteemed place of higher learning. Six separate incidents of "excrement-related bio-cleanups" have recently been recorded at Williams College -- bringing the total of such events to twenty-four. While most if not all are attributed to the overindulgence of alcoholic beverages, my suspicion (without any real proof) is that this institution has a turd terrorist on the loose (in more ways than one).

The report, compiled by Amanda Korman in the Williams Record, mentions that "since Thursday, custodians found five incidents of vomit outside of toilets, as well as a broken urinal and a damaged bathroom mirror, in the Paresky Center. The weekend before, custodians found excrement smeared across the interior of a stall in the second men's bathroom in the Log." (How Freudian.)

"This incident brings the number of excrement-related bio-cleanups to six for the semester, including similar smearing occurrences in Williams Hall and Spencer House."

While vomit and the odd poop would seem to go with binge drinkers, I'm not really convinced that poop smearing on more than one occasion is a result of a sloshed student. Poop smearing tends to be the domain of the demented or defiant. Perhaps we have some kid who had spent his formative years in military schools, and is now being asked to expand his horizons in a leading liberal arts college; could this be the splashback no one expected?

While I applaud the student newspaper for its stand against overindulgence and irresponsible behavior, I think they may want to dig deeper into this story. Their lead reporter has already written twice on this issue, but I'm still awaiting a reply to an e-mail I sent requesting more information. It could be that these are drinking-related incidents -- but, as we on this site have witnessed ourselves, some of these turd terrorists use their surroundings as a shield for their fecalular felonies.

I'll continue to monitor this and report back with any future findings.