Over the years we've enjoyed several front page stories from PoopReporters who have been forced to use creativity to get clean Down There because the underpaid, polyester-clad, pimply-faced burger jockey behind the counter forgot to check the toilet paper dispenser. This problem, though it's a staple for a quality poop report, is finally being addressed on the state level. Victor Crist, a Republican state representative from Florida, has proposed a bill to force restaurants to
provide patrons with a reasonable amount of toilet paper at all times.
The bill, approved on Monday as SB 836, proves two things:
- 1. The Senate Regulated Industries Committee is composed of human beings just like us, with needs like ours. And that's kind of comforting.
- Similar needs aside, these people have no business naming bills. This one clearly should have been approved as TP UP2. Amateurs.
Crist's goal is for SB 836 to give health inspectors more than just roaches and rats to attend to. Inspectors, he stated, "should also check the restrooms along with the kitchens to make sure that basic cleanliness necessities are in place", his phrase "basic cleanliness necessities" being a politically-correct term for toilet paper, of course. The only gray area in the bill is just what an "adequate amount" of toilet paper is, and how that amount will be determined. (Any suggestions?)
What must have occurred for this topic to come to light on a state level may forever remain up for speculation -- which is just how I like it. I'd like to think Senator Crist just wasn't satisfied with his lavishly-garnished yet meager entree after one of those ridiculously-posh state functions he's forced to attend. Maybe after hours and hours trapped in vapid, useless conversation by a horde of white-haired, prune-like society hags who look more like Romero's walking dead than society's finest, his carefully hidden and deeply repressed Inner Homeboy was in dire need of nourishment, both emotional and nutritional. After four vodka martinis, a teaspoon of green peas, a radish, and a sole filet the size of a quarter, his stomach was grumbling for something filling and exotic. "Bump this," he might have declared, "I'm heading for the Border!" Then he laid rubber in the direction of the nearest Taco Bell, where he ended up paperless, stanky, and left to fend for himself Larry Craig-style.
And then I imagine him irritated at his predicament and reduced to asking some anonymous stall neighbor for a square to help wipe off his own little Miami Sound Machine. As he drove home, he realized just how close he came to being the next poster child for the Republican Party's Foot-Tapping Bad Boy Brigade And Funky Cold Medina New Shoe Review. "Someone oughta' do something about this," he said. "Like, someone in office. Oh. Yeah..."
And there you have it.
Of course, in the scheme of things, I'm not really sure I care how this most excellent idea's time has come; it's just nice that it has. Thank you, Senator Crist. May you never be without quality two-ply or a stall door that locks!
