From Wisconsin, home of Jeffrey Dahmer and the World's Largest Cheese, among other things, comes a ruling from the State Supreme Court that may concern lawbreaking PoopReporters: police officers who forced a drug suspect to drink a laxative in hopes of recovering a swallowed bag of heroin were within their rights to do so.

Here's the story: a Milwaukee County sheriff's deputy on a drug stakeout approached the defendant, a Mr. Tomas Payano-Roman (let's call him "T.P." for short), and saw him swallow what looked like a plastic bag, according to court documents. After T.P. was arrested, medical workers decided he should, er, "come clean," and an officer gave him six doses of the infamous laxative Golitely.

Subsequently, while the Golitely did its inexorable work, the Court's opinion informs us that "officers advised hospital personnel that they wanted to examine [T.P.'s] stool, and the hospital provided a portable toilet. The officers told [T.P.] that he had to use the portable toilet for defecation. Early the next morning, [T.P.] had a bowel movement in the portable toilet, while one or both officers observed him from just outside his hospital room. Agent Parker examined [T.P.'s] stool and recovered the baggie. The contents in the baggie were later tested and determined to be heroin."

T.P. was convicted on the basis of this evidence. An appeals court, however, overturned the conviction. But the high court reversed the appeals court decision, saying that the police had a clear expectation that the laxative would help reveal evidence of a crime. The laxative also may have reduced any danger T.P. was in if the bag were to have ruptured in his body, the decision said.

The Court recognized that "[t]he administration of the laxative to [T.P.] was more than a negligible intrusion into his dignitary interests in personal privacy and bodily integrity." They continued. "According to [police] testimony, [T.P.] was required every twenty or thirty minutes to drink either twelve or twenty ounces of the laxative over the course of several overnight hours[, and,] as part of the laxative procedure, [T.P.] was then made to defecate while police observed."

Obviously a Shameful Shitter, T.P. said he would "have a bowel movement more easily if people were not in the room." The officers testified that they "would step into the hallway, partially shut the door, and watch [T.P.] through a window in the door." The officers then "examined [T.P.'s] stool in order to recover the baggie of heroin."

And who says our police are overpaid?

Citing opinions of the U.S. Supreme Court which have recognized that "[t]here are few activities in our society more personal or private than the passing of urine," the Wisconsin tribunal concluded that "[t]he same must be said for the human body's other primary excretory function." Nevertheless, the Wisconsin court poo-pooed the intrusion on Mr. T.P.'s "dignitary interests" in connection with this procedure, noting that his "bodily integrity would have been compromised if the baggie containing heroin had ruptured while inside him. Waiting until he passed the baggie, without the administration of the laxative, would have apparently lengthened the time that he was exposed to this danger." Thus, the Court concluded that Mr. T.P. had not suffered a violation of his Constitutional right to dignity.

T.P.'s attorney, Tim Provis (another T.P.!), called the decision a defeat for civil rights and said he was considering a federal appeal. "The average person walking the streets of Milwaukee {would} say, 'Gee, cops shouldn't be able to do that.' Now the Supreme Court says go right ahead." In a dissent, Chief Justice Shirley Abrahamson noted that six hours passed between the arrest and the administration of the laxative and questioned why officers didn't get a search warrant.

In my professional opinion, this decision was probably legally correct, but it deals a major blow to Shameful Shitters everywhere. Just remember this: although you certainly have the right to remain silent, you may NOT have the right to remain constipated!

(Author's note: Professor Dumpster, who has taught at a distinguished law school in the southeast for almost twenty-five years, revels in poop -- er, well, poop and the law. If you come across such a story, make sure you let him know.)