Frozen restrooms, revolting rectories, and the crappiest place on Earth

Frozen restrooms, revolting rectories, and the crappiest place on Earth

Posted 01.26.2006 by PooperGal

The planet has been a busy place poop-wise since last week. First we had a guy getting locked in a highway rest stop toilet stall in Germany when the latch froze shut. It took the local cops an hour to get him out. What's up with that? When a motorist with a burdened bowel seeks sweet relief at a roadside, he shouldn't have to pay for the privilege by being imprisoned in a frigid restroom cubicle for sixty minutes while the baffled gendarmes try to figure out how to ease open a frozen latch. A ratchet set and a minute of time is all it should take to get the door off its hinges. Or some hot water poured over the frozen door-catch to loosen the ice-stuck metal. Cops are never more than a few paces from a Danish and a hot cup of coffee, so one of those officers must have had the necessary steaming liquid (whether still in the cup or unleashed from a coffee-filled bladder) to get that bathroom door thawed out in no time.

Next, we had a church rectory in Dyer, Indiana, that was reeling from the destructive forces of animal poop -- thirteen years' worth of it, to be precise. When a new pastor took over the helm of the Catholic house of worship recently, he found that his predecessor had a penchant for keeping pets in the living quarters adjacent to the church. Unfortunately that prior priest did not seem to have any housekeeping skills. The replacement priest, the Rev. Terry Steffens, was greeted in his new digs by the stench of feces deposited in prodigious quantities by dogs, cats, rabbits, hamsters, and guinea pigs.

The good Reverend hired a person to undertake the task of cleaning the rectory, but it turned out to be a chore on the same magnitude as that which the great Hercules encountered in the notorious Stygian Stables. The workman apparently tossed his cookies after cleaning just one room.

As a former owner of guinea pigs (as well as each of the other above-mentioned species), I can attest to their mind-boggling poop and piddle productivity. I can only imagine the volume of waste that might amass over the course of thirteen years. One wonders whether the departed pastor had ever heard the old saying that cleanliness is next to godliness? Or whether he had read the Old Testament command not to crap where you live and eat? Then again, it could just be that he was conducting a biblical experiment -- perhaps trying to figure out how Noah dealt with the poop issue on the Ark.

Finally, a sewer main ruptured in Orlando last week. Perhaps fueled by too much Mouse doodie from nearby Disney World or Orca crap from SeaWorld , it flooded a local road with 100,000 gallons of human waste. Orlando city officials are pondering the cause of the pipe break. Was it the fault of the manufacturer who sold the city a pipe that should have lasted for fifty years but survived for only five? Or was it a flaw in the installation -- maybe a poorly laid section of pipe on unstable footing? These are the issues being discussed. But no one has yet broached the most obvious possibility: that there is no sewer pipe on Earth that can survive a daily onslaught of bodily fluids, poop, diapers, and other foreign objects flushed in such a dense concentration as from the mega-sized theme parks nearby.

email this page | printer friendly version

Show some poop support, or make a poop retort.

KeepOnCrappin (551) -- 01.26.2006

Well, glad none of that happened to me.

Also, 250 peopel died in Muslum-ville becuase some one said Oh, shit.

SamDamnit (1192) -- 01.26.2006

Those theme parks must have an enormous amount of poop and vomit, considering what those people eat. No offense to those of you that spend time in those places, but I reckon that the type of person who spends their vacation at Disney, instead of travelling out of the country, or to the countryside, is usually obese.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

PooperGal (527) -- 01.26.2006

Speaking of theme parks and poop, last year a Poop Reporter posted an account of her hubby's traumatic Disney poop incident. Check it out.

If you want to look it up in the search engine, type in Disney and you'll see a story called "It's a Smell World Afterall."

I'm not sure about the obesity postulation, or what it has to do with amount of poop and other body effluvia produced daily at theme parks. But if you're hinting that the average American is overweight, and that Disney's target market is the "average American," then perhaps there is a hypothesis there to test. I have not been to Disney World or Disney Land, and can't make a personal assessment.

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

The Dumpster (2506) -- 01.26.2006

PG, thanks for bringing us All the News That's Shit to Print.

If I recall my Bulfinch's correctly, it was the Augean Stables that Hercules was required to clean, which involved THIRTY years' worth of poop, and was the original inspiration for "A River Runs Through It." Some of you shiterary types out there check me on this.

There's a thought for PR--maybe "The Augean Stables" would be an apt name for our forums.

Cracktacular (228) -- 01.26.2006

Nice Bulfinch's Mythology reference TD.

With such a prolific amount of poop anomalies in the news, I believe the onus falls upon we vigilant few to look for further signs of the end times.

The Dumpster (2506) -- 01.26.2006

Search the Book of Revelation for "Wormwood." The signs are there, Rev. Crack!

Lame comment! -1 point

KeepOnCrappin (551) -- 01.26.2006

Wormwood? IDK what that is

AssBlaster2000 (1116) -- 01.26.2006

Wormwood is what absinthe is made from. Absinthe, for a long time, was not legal in the United States; it is now, I believe, but it is a potent alcohol that causes hallucinations. I haven't any experience with it myself, but apparently you can grind wormwood up and smoke it and it gets you really fucked up.

I'm not sure if that is the kind of wormwood that the Dumpster is talking about, though.

Lame comment! -1 point

KeepOnCrappin (551) -- 01.27.2006

Ah, I partialy see.

The Dumpster (2506) -- 01.27.2006

This got started because of Rev. Crack's comment above that "[w]ith such a prolific amount of poop anomalies in the news, I believe the onus falls upon we vigilant few to look for further signs of the end times."

Thus, Rev. Crack is referrring to the epistimology of elimination, if you will. In the eighth chapter of the Book of Revelation in the Bible, "voices, and thunderings, and lightnings, and earthquakes" are described, followed by (I am condensing somewhat) "hail and fire mingled with blood, a great mountain burning with fire cast into the sea, a great star from heaven, burning as it were [like] a lamp, fell upon the third part of the rivers. And the name of the star is called Wormwood, and the third part of the waters became wormwood, and many men died of the waters, because they were made bitter."

Now, the above passage pretty accurately describes the worst crap of my career, so under the epistemology of elimination, Wormwood has already fallen into my toilet bowl.

Pretty scary stuff, huh?

The Dumpster (2506) -- 01.27.2006

Sorry, I got my philosophical terms mixed up. I should have said "the eschatology of elimination."

What we are really discussing, though, is the eschatology of scatology, correct?

Cracktacular (228) -- 01.27.2006

TD, bet you never thought that your toilet would be such a harbinger of doom.

The Dumpster (2506) -- 01.27.2006

The heart of man may be desperately evil, but some pretty ugly stuff lurks in the bowels, too.

PooperGal (527) -- 01.27.2006

Thanks, Dumpster! I should have Googled a mythology site rather than draw on my clouded memories of highschool "Greek Lit" class. :D

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

The Dumpster (2506) -- 01.27.2006

Hey, PG, unlike me, you probably have a real life out there somewhere.

Signed,

The Myth that Is Dumpster

PooperGal (527) -- 01.27.2006

Hey, give yourself a break, Dumpster. Being thorough and accurate are important attributes for a Poop Reporter, as they are for any blogger or journalist. I failed to confirm my information, relying on memory from my highschool Greek Lit readings, while you made the effort to actually get the correct name and spelling for the mythical stables that Hercules had to clean.

Being a good journalist IS having a life, bud. Although you might think you'd be happier with a bottomless keg and a couple of gorgeous blondes hanging all over you...

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

The Dumpster (2506) -- 01.27.2006

PG, if you went to the kind of high school where they still teach Greek lit., you must have a Ph.D by now.

And, yeah, the whole bottomless-keg-and-gorgeous-blonde thing is starting to get old. I think I'll switch to a redhead for awhile.

PooperGal (527) -- 01.27.2006

Dunno if they still teach Greek Lit. It's been many moons (or moonings) since I was in h-school!

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Lame comment! -1 point

KeepOnCrappin (551) -- 01.29.2006

PG, i belive they only teach LAtin now. Ill ask a friend to ask his kid if they teach it.