Hot August blights: the seasonal rise of turd terrorism

Hot August blights: the seasonal rise of turd terrorism

Posted 08.02.2007 by Dave

"There are seasonal variations in crime rates," said Criminologist Dr. Richard Janikowski, speaking a few years ago to Memphis, Tennessee's Action News Five. His theory: the higher the temperature rises, the more trouble people cause. He was talking about violent crimes; but judging from some recent headlines, he could have been describing vile crimes as well. Because with the spike in summer temperatures have come a spike in turd terrorism.

In Tucson, neighborhood boys threw poop at someone's house. In Fargo, North Dakota, vandals tossed a bag of poop into the city's largest pool, forcing it closed for cleaning on one of the hottest days of the year. In Hassan, Minnesota, vandals smeared poop on someone's windows. In Bryan Court, New Jersey, vandals put poop in someone's hot tub. And in DeSoto County, Tennessee, Memphis's Action News Five once again has the scoop: an 18-year-old has been arrested for breaking into five churches, burglarizing them, and then smearing his poop on the walls and the floor. (Note to potential felons, turd terrorists or otherwise: when committing a crime in a location with video surveillance, don't wear you're the uniform from the pizza place where you work.)

Leaders at Trinity Baptist Church are encouraging their followers to forgive Raymond Roland, the turd terrorist in question. After all, it's not their place to judge. "God will deal with him," said minister John Miller. "He'll get his due. There's no doubt about that."

It's been a fairly mild summer so far, at least here in the Northeast; as August kicks into high gear, the worst could be yet to come. This PoopReporter looks forward to February -- at the very least, it's a lot easier to clean up the aftermath of a turd terror strike when the poop is frozen.

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Show some poop support, or make a poop retort.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 08.05.2007

That's it. I'm getting out my gun and sleeping on the porch every night until November.

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 08.05.2007

Is it just a slow day, or is the comment above funnier than I thought?

'Cause damn, it made me laugh.

Deja Poo (649) -- 08.06.2007

Could Raymond Roland be the_shitman? It certainly sounds like his M.O.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Mary Queen of Scats (387) -- 08.09.2007

By George, Watson, I think you've got it! Great sleuthing DP...the mystery of what happened to the shitman has been solved.

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No no, honey. Kitties don't sit on the potty.

daphne (3667) -- 08.10.2007

"He'll get his due" ??? I see that praying for sinners doesn't apply when smearing poop is the sin de jour!

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

It's Not the 'Poops' you idiot----it's the 'Pours'! (not verified) -- 08.16.2007

Oh my God......there's shit everywhere! Dammit!!!! My house is full of shit!

The great Bob Saget in the less than stellar Dumb and Dumberer

Phoenyxx (66) -- 08.16.2007

So when someone entered a church that had been subjected to such vandalism, did they yell "Holy shit!"?

I'm almost hoping that these aren't sane people doing that, because that means they took the time to pass up other methods of vandalism and go straight to throwing shit.

On the other hand, what is it about mental problems that seems to automatically make one engage in behavior involving feces?

Corn In His Shit (8) -- 08.29.2007

Looking forward to February, and wondering how cold it has to be for poo to freeze. Poopsicles?

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Corn In His Shit