Jenkem: A whole new way to get shit-faced
Anyone who needs definitive proof that drug users are the most desperately resourceful people in the world need look no further than Lusaka, Zambia, where street children have reached a new low in getting high: inhaling the methane from fermented feces and urine. Yes, from the "cradle of civilization" comes "Jenkem", a potent inhalant released by excretory stew that's bottled and allowed to marinate in the sun.
Ingesters of these noxious bung hits report a "euphoric high," hallucinations, and a "sewagey" aftertaste that may linger for days (a unique brand of halitosis I'm going to go ahead and dub "shartness of breath").
Shockingly, an unconfirmed report out of Collier County, Florida, has Jenkem becoming a popular drug in American schools. That's right: soon America's bathrooms could become clandestine drug laboratories -- right under our very noses! We must nip this repulsive trend in the bud before "smoking a bowl" takes on a whole new meaning!
In the interest of public safety, I've compiled some possible warning signs that little Timmy is getting three shits to the wind on Jenkem.
- He hangs out with shady characters outside solid waste lagoons, fecal cesspools, and sewage treatment facilities
- He refers to his colon as "The Xanadu Express"
- He constantly complains about "all the ventilation" in the bathroom
- His friends call him Huffy, yet he doesn't own a dirtbike
- There are turds floating in your glass of solar tea
- He frequently sports a shit-huffing grin
- He blames his persistently runny nose on "post-anal drip"
- You find a box of Bran Flakes under his mattress
- He suddenly finds "Deal or No Deal" intellectually exhausting
- Your monthly model airplane glue, rubber cement, and Wite-Out expenses plummet