Jenkem: A whole new way to get shit-faced

// // 43 Comments
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Anyone who needs definitive proof that drug users are the most desperately resourceful people in the world need look no further than Lusaka, Zambia, where street children have reached a new low in getting high: inhaling the methane from fermented feces and urine. Yes, from the "cradle of civilization" comes "Jenkem", a potent inhalant released by excretory stew that's bottled and allowed to marinate in the sun.

Ingesters of these noxious bung hits report a "euphoric high," hallucinations, and a "sewagey" aftertaste that may linger for days (a unique brand of halitosis I'm going to go ahead and dub "shartness of breath").

Shockingly, an unconfirmed report out of Collier County, Florida, has Jenkem becoming a popular drug in American schools. That's right: soon America's bathrooms could become clandestine drug laboratories -- right under our very noses! We must nip this repulsive trend in the bud before "smoking a bowl" takes on a whole new meaning!

In the interest of public safety, I've compiled some possible warning signs that little Timmy is getting three shits to the wind on Jenkem.

  • He hangs out with shady characters outside solid waste lagoons, fecal cesspools, and sewage treatment facilities
  • He refers to his colon as "The Xanadu Express"
  • He constantly complains about "all the ventilation" in the bathroom
  • His friends call him Huffy, yet he doesn't own a dirtbike
  • There are turds floating in your glass of solar tea
  • He frequently sports a shit-huffing grin
  • He blames his persistently runny nose on "post-anal drip"
  • You find a box of Bran Flakes under his mattress
  • He suddenly finds "Deal or No Deal" intellectually exhausting
  • Your monthly model airplane glue, rubber cement, and Wite-Out expenses plummet

43 Comments on "Jenkem: A whole new way to get shit-faced"

ragedookie's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I thought it was a joke the first time I read about it online. Good god... now we have to worry about our kids huffing their own dookie to get high.

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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Great, now the thugs will be asking the geeks for swirlies!


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Maybe this is why the guys who service porta-potties seem to be so happy all the time.

I thought it was a joke too, but if it makes Wikipedia, it HAS to be real, right?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenkem

Butt Hash! Wikipedia calls it "butt hash." That is too darn funny.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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Damn what a racket no wonder people from those countries have those perpetually happy expressions and crappy breath. Its literally crappy breath
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

brownstone's picture
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I am not sure which is funnier - the fact that someone looked it up on Wikipedia, the fact they define it as 'butt hash,' the fact that I double checked it - or the thought anyone would ever watch 'Deal or No Deal.'

Gob bless us.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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That explains Ahmedinijad. I'll bet he huffs a bowl of the Grand Ayatollah every morning right after prayers.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Thank god we dont share a land border with Africa. Im sure we Americans would be demanding the "imported stuff".

pyrotechnics's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I was thinking it was pretty funny someone said to check kids breath when they come home. I quite possibly would get sick if i smelled that on someones breath. what happened to the good old days when kids just smoked bowls or drank?

Anonymous Coward's picture
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www.jenkem.info

Poopie Police's picture
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I honestly cant beleave this shit.People huffing shit.Ok eating mushrooms growing out of cowshit,but dame Huffing shit.
Huff on shit huffers .

The Poopie Police

Feto D Walcott's picture
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Damn I would have loved to find this drug before my makeover.that I could have used it and nobody would know since I already smelled that way.Maybe I could have wrapped this up in cigar wrappers and they would think I was just lighting up another great dane sized stogie.

Now I'm clean and well groomed, so turd-huffing is out for me.

My management job is awesome. I fired a guy last friday because he was dirty and smelled like crap the way I used to. I think it was more out of self-loathing than because he was nasty. Either way, management is always right, and your just jealous!

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points
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Hashfeces, for our middle eastern friends.

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Hey! That's my robe!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points
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I wonder if it's better smoked in a DOOKAH pipe?

odareum's picture
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People look at where this came from. This came out of a part of the world where people filter the shit out of their drinking water. This isn't a far step from their daily lives. They are more than likely driven to do drugs as an escape from pain few of us will ever understand. The things they do to survive are just as bad as this.

Feto d Walcott's picture
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I figure as bad as the air in my condo smells I am high on this shit everytime I go home.My place stinks like hell since I only flush my turd infested toilet when I have to since I am lazy and I have food rotting in my garbage and maggots feeding on it.My foul diet cause me a lot of gas and I fart massively.My neighbors are starting to make faces when they walk by my door and I suspect the stench is escaping.I may need more silicone caulking around the doors and windows before they call the condo association and complain.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Feto!!! Welcome back! Let me update you on your presidential campaign...uh...we're broke, need ya to make some appearances at the World Hotdog Eating Championships...we have set up an exhibition match between yourself, and the great Kobiashi...we're selling tickets at $25.00 a piece....well...no, we aren't, we are TRYING to sell..etc...so, in the meantime, start training, get some brylcreem for both those gnarly hairs on your head, and the multitude sprouting from your nostrils and auditory canals...slick yourself up a bit, douse yourself in Lysol, or something, and show up at noon. This is important, big man, the super delegates still available will paying close attention to your performance. Oh, and I have to be very very careful about posting anymore...only have two more left before I cross the "I HAVE NO LIFE" line....

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
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Bilge, I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for your 1k. Don't blow it!! It has to be something epic. I know you can do it. No pressure.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I'm not crossing the line...oh god damn it...this is my last post....fuck.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
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Bilge, here's the answer. What is the question?

The Boston harbor tunnel, a tractor trailer, and Rosie O'Donnell.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I'll save you on this one, Bilge.

A. Name a pier, a Deere, and a queer.

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
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Nice answer, and a noble gesture sir.
I was thinking

A. The Big Dig, a big rig, and a big fat pig.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Clearly, you should keep writing the questions and I'll write the answers.

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
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Actually, I was thinking that with our combined brain power (Bilge too), maybe a poop type contest in the Amazing Karnak style. Or maybe an open answer type one and see where it goes.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Damn, the tractor trailer threw me off. I thought for sure the answer was going to be "Things You Can Drive a Truck Through".

I'm glad to see you Feto. I'll alert management.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
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I tried to get Bilge to bite, but he is much too wiley for me. Actually, when I hit post 666, I laid back for about 24 hours, hoping someone would plus one of my posts out of sheer terror.

Feto d Walcott's picture
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I have hot dog eating contests with myself all the time.I eat and 8 pack with chili for lunch before going to work.Great lunch but by the time I get to work I am peeling paint and setting off the alarm on the five gas analyzer.I hyave been blamed for the failure of the emissions tests on all the vehicles I work on.My superiors don't understand and try to discipline me for my stench.I will likely never marry again since I dont want any woman telling me,Feto you need to brush your teeth or Feto you need to take a bath.Management is always wrong and your just jealous.

Papa Poop's picture
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FETO IS BACK!! And sounds like he is as foul as ever.I knew he was lying his stink off whn he said he cleaned up.Good Job feto and keep us posted on your stinkiness.

Feto cut a album...it's titled "Stink Man 182" see www.funkyous.com

Feto d Walcott's picture
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I did play in a band once but the groupies refused to come into our dressing room after the show without some glade or oust so the guys told me I was cutting into their sex lives and I had to go.They wrote me a farewell tune "Limburger in limbo" since I seemed to remind them of the pungent cheese.I tossed my guitar into the aeration tank at a local sewer treatment facility and vowed to never play again.However years ago I did get a small mini harmonica in my box of cracker jacks and now in secret I place it in the gap where my rotting teeth used to be and play some tunes in the night after I take a rancid dump and get hepped up on my own Jenkem!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Feto!!!! How's the Presidential Campaign going?
I'm voting for ya in November, man, cuz we both now the Government is always wrong and they are all just jealous.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
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I think his campaign slogan should be "A hot dog in every pot".

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Back in my cannibis days I took many a bong hit but I have never taken a bung hit.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Feto D Walcott's picture
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I voted for Arledge Stinkmeyer for president but he did not win.He failed to win because he chose the abusive Bill Randall for his vice president.He deserved to lose.He like management is always wrong and the other losers were just jealous!!How can anyone that does not shit big deserve to win?

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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i think if my quality of life came down to huffing shit to get high so i could forget about my situation, then I would rather lay down and be stampeded upon by elephants. seriously if this shit is catching on in America I really think we need to rethink how well the health classes are teaching the kids.
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Oops I did it again, I shit when I fart, I crapped in my pants.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Dr. Roger Portland's picture
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That's just plain disgusting. I didn't realize that people will come to the point of making themselves high by sniffing their own shit. What's the world really coming to? We're doomed.

spattacus's picture
l 100+ points
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Hell, on the wiki entry there's a doctor mentioned -
"Dr. Fumito Ichinose, an anesthesia specialist in Boston"
Huffing feces - Fumes Itchy nose? wtf

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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As a store employee, I was once helping a young lady carry her grocery bags to her car. As we were walking through the parking lot, she smiled at me and told me she had an itchypussy. I told her, "you'll have to point it out. All those Japanese cars look the same to me."

Feto D Walcott's picture
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I think Jenkem fumes from my condo are responsible for the bizarre dream I had the other night.I dreamed I had gone to a local fair that was filled with both many people and a lot of strange rides.In the dream the fair stunk badly.I kept thinking I know this cant be the sausage,onions and bell peppers gone bad nor rotting funnel cakes.Then I decided to go ride a few rides.To my horror the rides were like something from an acid trip.I saw the Tilt-O-Shart, Mr. Toads turd filled ride,The Fetid Ferris Wheel,The Smegmatron,The house of Horrid Odors,Dumpercars,The Unbathed Clownhouse,I Can't Get Enough Space & Air Mountain.I woke up in a daze and realizing that in part this may have been due to the huge bowl of chili I ate for supper the night before that left me farting the most acrid and feculent farts that woke me gagging.I woke up and wiped the tears from my eyes and realized that your just jealous and management is always wrong!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Wow..what a story!! This guy Feto has a "wonderful life"... I'd like to see this stench encrusted carnival of Feto's dream come to life....I am from Japan and we like to light our farts on fire.

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points
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See what happens when weed isn't legal? Dang.

(PD--that's one of my all-time favorite jokes!)
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Help for IBS

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

Dave Newman's picture
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Jenkem and similar foul practices are widespread amongst certain cross-sections of society of the south coast of England. In England, it largely forms part of the practice of Epsilonism – a degrading and filthy cult that mixes elements of Catholicism, extreme sexual activity involving faeces, urine, smegma and other bodily fuids and the adoration / worship of peculiar animal “entities”.

Those who practice Epsilonism are known as Epsilons and Jenkem use is one component of it.

Jenkem’s role in Epsilonism relates to various entities believed by Epsilons to control bodily secretions. The “Shit-smeared Labrador Puppy” governs excrement and it’s sexual usage wheareas others such as the Sick Baby and the Piddle-Pony are the Epsilonic patron-saints of vomit and urine respectively. Consumption of Jenkem is held to honour the Puppy and is imbibed as a kind of sick “consecration of the host” in deference to the Epsilon animal that controls Shit as opposed to Christ.

The hallucinations brought on by Jenkem inhalation are believed by Epsilons to allow them to be smeared with excrement and sexually assailed by the Puppy.

Whereas Boscombe in Bournemouth is believed to be the epicentre, Plymouth has recently surfaced as a new location for Jenkem consumption – even the Dartmoor village of Oakhampton has a historical association with Jenkem and Epsilonic cult of the Piddle Pony. Southampton is also involved.

Jenkem is listed in the Encyclopaedia Epsilonica – e-mail me for a copy if required.

A champion of Jenkem inhalation and other aspects of Epsilonism in general; hiding behind the nickname Quinine has been responsible for its spread throughout the Bournemouth area. He is also widely recognised as the head of the cult of the Piddle Pony a.k.a. the Church of the Yellow Fountain.

D. Newman.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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Watch out for kids that like to dutch oven far too often !

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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It is interesting to note that I could possibly become the drug of choice for the younger generation!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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Maybe they will start to put this on Facebook now !