Joining the Pile High Club

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PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Over two hundred passengers aboard a trans-Atlantic flight from Amsterdam to New Jersey saw their trip take an unexpected nosedive recently when human waste spewed from the plane's lavatories and settled into coach. The horrified travelers, who presumably were forced to breathe through their mouths and silently plea for the oxygen masks to deploy during the seven-hour ordeal, raised a stink as their bodies' very own flotation devices bobbed up and down the aisles and secured their unwitting membership in The Pile High Club.


Remarkably, while the disgusted passengers racked up hundreds of frequent floater miles, the iron-nostriled corps of flight attendants continued to dispense their plastic trays of lukewarm lasagna and bone-riddled pudding without interruption -- albeit with a caveat that the passengers not overindulge, since the restrooms were declared no-fly zones.

That's right: the crappers were off-limits! One can only imagine the internal dialogue that must have been racing through the minds of the Shameful Shitters on board whose burrito-nozzles were beginning to feel the pangs of rear-engine failure somewhere over the mid-Atlantic:

"Attention, passengers. This is your colon speaking. It seems we're experiencing some extremely gusty tail winds and a tremendous increase in cabin pressure. We are currently in a holding pattern until we get the go-ahead to attempt a water landing. Until that time, I suggest you remain seated and fasten your seat belts. We're in for a long, long ride..."

The passengers may find solace in the fact that their flight could prove historic on two olfactory fronts: first, aviation buffs are suggesting that this flight's malodorous stench is comparable in flying history only to the insufferable malignance that was Charles Lindbergh's 'rhoid cushion; and second, transportation scholars believe that this marks the first time in recorded history that anyone ever took a breath in New Jersey and proclaimed the air quality to be superior to that that was previously being inhaled.

The cause of the toilets' malfunctions has yet to be determined. Airline officials will no doubt scour the flight's brown box recorder for clues.

14 Comments on "Joining the Pile High Club"

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

Follow-up: the cause of the blockage has been identified as latex gloves someone tried to flush.

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points

What unimaginable horror! The humanity! The children! Oh god the children! I hope those passengers got free everything. Free trip, free miles, free ass wiping. This is a story for Discovery Channel's, I Shouldn't Be Alive. -

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

What did that woman think wrapping paper around her head would protect her from? Certainly not liquid sewage...

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Did you have to declare anything stuck to the bottom of your shoes at Customs?

Next time, fly Aeroflot because chickens in the overhead storage compartments are better than blue fertilizer flowing down the aisle.
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Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Toots N. McCrack's picture
l 100+ points

That sounds like an absolute nightmare! Another great Gaspie submission, to be sure-- were you there? (hence the pics)
Was the "pile high club" for the piles of shit, the piles of puke from the piles of shit in the aisles or the piles that someone needed rubber gloves for? Who the fuck needs rubber gloves in an airplane bathroom and why?????
"Snakes on a Plane" has nothing on this terror.... I smell an indie sPOOf in the making.... Watch out for those brown anacondas slithering into coach!

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Good grief! People must have been in agony! And I don't just mean the smell!

A plane full of people not allowed to go to the bathroom?!? I think that would call for some emergency tactics.

Ice buckets, or something...

Fox Trots's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I once witnessed the results of a similar malfunction on a train, but at least I could get up and walk, treading somewhat carefully, to another carriage.

drive by pooper's picture

WOW talk about a flight from hell! What a nightmare to have to sit on a seven hour flight and the shitter backs up and flows down the isles. Then you are told not to eat or drink much because basically the plane can't take anymore brown and yellow and there's already enough crap on the floor of the plane. I am surprised people were not throwing up! I can't believe they were serving food! Fecal coliform must have been floating every place in that confined cabin. Then to make it worse it's a packed plane so people can't be moved away from the bad crapper. I can't believe they give these people only 500.00 vouchers! This could spark some serious turd terrorism on airlines if people know all they have to do is throw rubber gloves down the airline crapper.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Sorry about that Fox Trots. I couldn't let my Mom know I fell in the toilet, so I used a little too much toilet paper... Oh, wait, that's another PR story entirely.

I can't imagine the smell! Once at the Atlanta airport I ended up having to run between two different gates in my old gym shirt. (Something nasty got on my other shirt and I couldn't wear it.) I climbed on the plane and my horrendous BO spread everywhere. I can't imagine the stench from an overflowing bathroom in that recycle air!!!

Great article, Gas. You have a very amusing writing style!

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What if everyone farted at once?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

Here's an interesting follow-up: a few days ago, one of the passengers on the plane has posted a blog entry describing her experience. But that wasn't enough, so she decided to start a blog dedicated to bringing Continental to task for the ordeal. According to her latest entry, she's already speaking to a lawyer...

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

This story has been linked on Boing Boing.

Welcome to The Poop Report, Boingers!

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SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Alexisycho's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

That's awesome! If I were on that plane and I had to shit, and they told me I couldn't, I would have shit right there in the aisle.
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Alexis Semenec
The World's Foremost Fecal Astrologist

Alexis Semenec
The World's Foremost Fecal Astrologist

Anonymous Coward's picture

holy crap!
that wold suck!

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

welcome to the new normal for airline travel