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NYC loses its most infamous crapper

Posted 08.29.2006 by Dave
A few months ago, I profiled the reopening of one of the nicest bathrooms in all of New York City. Today I bring you news of the exact opposite: the closing of one of the worst.

You may recognize the name CBGBs from the t-shirts the kids are buying at Urban Outfitters. Before it became a bland symbol of corporate-sponsored rebellion, it was a genuine musical mecca. In the 70s and 80s, bands like The Ramones, Patti Smith, Blondie, the Talking Heads, and the Heartbreakers all got their start on the crappy particleboard stage. I've had the distinct pleasure of performing at CBGBs at least half a dozen times with two different bands. Here is your loyal editor with his band in November, 2001. I'm the one on the left. Big pants were in.

But though I've blown my horn a number of times at CBGBs, I've never blown my ass. And here is the reason why:

Never mind the décor, the stench, the slime -- the throne on the pedestal has induced instant constipation in clubgoers for decades. I've never seen anyone using that toilet, though I don't doubt that the punk or hardcore shows had their share.

CBGBs is closing in September and relocating to Las Vegas, where they'll reopen in 2008. The owner plans to reconstruct the stage and the ambiance, and promises to bring the urinals and the toilets with him. It's not fixtures, though, that make this toilet so notorious -- it's the feng shui. It's the elevated crapper lording over the peasants at the urinals. Some question whether CBGBs will be able to recreate their scene in a new city. If they can construct a bathroom that makes you feel just as uncomfortable as this one, than the answer is yes.

And if they fail -- well, there's always the posters. Ah, memories.

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Show some poop support, or make a poop retort.
SamDamnit (1191) -- 08.29.2006

R.I.P. CBGBs. It can not be transplanted. There is too much history there. It would be like putting London Bridge in an American Desert..........
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Lame comment! -1 point
turd turdgutson (7) -- 08.29.2006

The acts of turd terrorism that bathroom must have seen. I'd love to flood that crapper just to see the results.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Anomalous Coward (686) -- 08.29.2006

Existentialist query:
If one shits in a transplanted club crapper, does it make a splash in the Valhalla of Rock?

Never been there, but even the photos of such a defecatorium inspire awe and respect in me.
Either that or this damn hospital food is giving me gas.

daphne (3325) -- 08.30.2006

I want a throne toilet now. That's insanely cool. Were that toilet to have been clean, the concept of the graffiti and the way it's designed make it a fairly cool john.

It is kind of interesting that there is no stall for the toilet.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Lame comment! -2 points
turd turdgutson (7) -- 08.30.2006

If I ever had a chance to use that crapper, I'd totally take a diarrhea handstand on it and let the doo spray in a majestic arc from my upside-down ass and decorate the bathroom in chunks of dook and feces.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

shitwit (532) -- 08.30.2006

Hey.... did anyone else notice the type of tank that throne has? How many upper-deckers do you think that throne has survived? Maybe turd turdgutson could doo the honors?


_______
Brown tidings I bring
to you
from my ring

Lame comment! -1 point
turd turdgutson (7) -- 08.30.2006

Sorry, I already examined the picture, and it I can't tell if an upper-decker would be possible in that particular assembly - otherwise I'd be honored to defile it one last time.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

sharty mcfly (211) -- 08.30.2006

yeah cbgb's is bad, but lots of club bathrooms are bad, the grossest i ever saw was one in asbury park that had the inside of the bowl entirely covered in stickers.... which is real band dedication and disgusting. anyway, yeah i understand maybe opening a new cbgb's in vegas, or another one, but moving the whole thing? it's just not quite the same.

Double Flush (582) -- 08.31.2006

I'm trying to imagine the entire inside of a bowl covered with stickers. How would the water not take them off. Further, how would they get them in there? Methinks someone would have to turn off the water, flush, suck out the water at the bottom, dry the bowl, apply the stickers, then turn the water back on. Dedication indeed.

_______
Damnit, someone stole my signature!

Thunderbox (761) -- 08.31.2006

Wow Dave, nice instrument.

Some toilet - you`ld have to be really confident, and also have stored up a fine piece of driftwood to lay down there. A perfect log dropped with aplomb, no need to wipe, then stroll out readjusting your shades to rapturous applause.

Job done.

The Thunderous ... (653) -- 08.25.2007

Now THAT is my kinda toilet! Sigh too bad it isnt in Yankee Stadium in the Bronx. As Ive said many times, if I could put asses in the seats there to watch me take a crap, then THIS is a walk in the park. Hmmmm perhaps this would have been a great place to test that idea out. Now of course that will have to be done in Vegas but I doubt they will continue the tradition. A moment of silence is in order for CBGB's!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 08.29.2007

It doesn't look THAT bad.
Producing waste since 1967

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