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Stool's gold. Or: Bowel that glitters...Posted 12.19.2007 by Gasputin
If you're among the handful of people who has 1) money to burn, 2) low self-esteem, and 3) an unfulfilled desire to turn your lower tract into Fort Knox, then Tobias Wong and Ju$t Another Rich Kid has just the thing for you. It's the Gold Pill: a $425-capsule coated in and filled with 24-karat gold designed to "increase your self-worth" upon ingestion.
More importantly, the pill touts the added benefit of injecting some glitz into your shits. Yes, it garnishes your keister meats with flakes of precious metal.
I, for one, say what better way to flaunt your immense wealth and grandiosity than by bejeweling your stool? Tricking out your turds? Sending the Cosbys off to the pool with some fresh new grills? Hell, you could parlay your newfound ability to spin shit into gold into cool nicknames, like Dumpelstiltskin, Goldsphincter, or The Man with the Golden Anus. Sure, there will be naysayers -- lesser beings with inferior, non-ornamented bowel movements -- who'll say that the Gold Pill is an obscene, impractical way to flush good money down the toilet. They may even brand you with a more derisive nickname. Like The Douche Who Lays the Golden Eggs. Pay them no heed, good citizen. They'll never bask in the throes of megalomania as grizzled prospectors stake claims around their septic tanks, panning their nuggets for nuggets. They'll never stare in awe and wonder at a sparkling ten-incher that twinkles in the bowl like Ursa Major on a moonless night. And there's something else we'll know that they never will: pinching a Gold Pill bullion loaf is like calling the neighbor's obnoxious four-year-old a "dickhead" -- it may not accomplish much, but it sure makes you feel better inside. Show some poop support, or make a poop retort.
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