The terrors that keep PoopReporters up late at night

The terrors that keep PoopReporters up late at night

Posted 10.30.2006 by Fart Poopie

We're all familiar with the inherent dangers in bathrooms and bathroom hardware. From bacterial infections to slipping on poo, from plunger horror stories to cracked toilet seats biting our butt cheeks, even from toilets breaking underneath us to people drowning in backyard sinkholes, here on PoopReport we think we've heard them all.

A couple of days ago, PooperGal opened our eyes to a very real threat with her report on celestial blue ice. The possibility of frozen airplane poop falling through my roof was one that had never before crossed my mind. I could only assume it wasn't something many of you had ever worried about, either. But now, after that report, surely we can say to ourselves that we've heard about every poop or bathroom-related accident there could be. Right?

Unfortunately, there's one more menace we must add to our lists of worries: burning thousand-pound rolls of toilet paper. Yes, that's right. You must now be very afraid of ginormous rolls of TP catching fire near you. It happened in Florida, where it took Miami-Dade firefighters well over two hours to put out their butt tissue inferno, and only after they used a forklift to take it out of the semi-trailer in which it was burning.

Some may ask who or what started the fire. Others may ask why anyone would want to burn such a beautiful thing. My paranoia asks, "How the holy hell do we protect ourselves?!" That same paranoia will have me dreaming tonight of a glowing Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man -- and his new buddy, the Half-Ton Fiery Charmin Roll -- terrorizing my hometown.

You folks keep safe. You never know what new toilet horrors are yet to rise.

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Show some poop support, or make a poop retort.

Nine Inch Log (361) -- 10.30.2006

I can only hope the toilet paper was unused.
Has anyone ever seen "Dead Like Me" where the main character is killed by a toilet seat that fell from the Mir space station?
I was afraid to walk outside for two weeks after seeing that.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Bilgepump (1731) -- 10.30.2006

Thats a new brand from Charmin, designed to cauterize hemmeroid scabs...works about as well as a flaming cat.(don't ask how I know this)

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 10.30.2006

Only in Miami would something this bizarre occur. Okay, so maybe in Vegas.

I am still curious as to what would cause such an inferno. A spark from the trailer? A carelessly tossed cigarette from another car? Lightning? UFO? TCM on a joy ride?

The world may never know.

Fart Poopie, do we need to worry about spontaneous TP combustion? Or does that only occur after eating habeneros?

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I was a category five! Category five, I tell you! Get it right or I'll be back to PROVE IT!!!!- Katrina

SamDamnit (1192) -- 10.30.2006

This is obviously the work of the international corn cob cabal.

THE BASTARDS!!!!!!!
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

Nine Inch Log (361) -- 10.30.2006

It was done by TP terrorists (turd terrorists in training).

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

healthy 1 (1427) -- 10.30.2006

No, guys. You didn't hear about that new self destructing toilet paper?

When it comes in contact with poop, it spontaneously ignites. Aparantly someone had skids on their trousers, and brushed against the toilet paper rolls, causing them to self destruct.
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It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.

PooperGal (527) -- 10.30.2006

Why the hell would anyone make a 1,000 lb roll of TP in the first place?! Was this the idea of some sicko COSTCO exec for mass-quantity, bulk purchase items? Or just some weird pipe dream come to life by some dork who collects rubber bands and aluminum foil to make into humungo balls?

Enquiring minds want to know.

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PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 10.30.2006

My guess, PooperGal, is that they make them big, then they cut them to size.
Maybe this company (they never said what brand TP it was) transports their rolls to get cut down. Maybe someone wanted a half ton roll of TP and bought it. Maybe they were taking it to a show or convention. Who knows. I do know this, we need to figure out how much these suckers cost so we can buy one. We could donate it to a good cause or just... keep it.

TSV, spontaneous TP conbustion can happen at anytime. When you all poop, lift the toilet seat and sit directly on the porcelain. If your TP ignites on contact, you can quickly dunk your butt into the bowl to put out the fire.

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 10.30.2006

It occurs to me that perhaps this was Willy Wonka's toilet paper. Remember Wonka Vision?

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If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

PooperGal (527) -- 10.30.2006

FP,
So, it could be that they put the ginormous roll on a reel-to-reel contraption and run off 1,000-foot sections onto regular sized TP tubes? It's hard to picture.

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PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 10.30.2006

PooperGal, they're not 1,000 feet. They're 1,000 pounds.
Most tubed paper products are made on large rolls that get cut to size. They don't get re-rolled onto smaller tubes, the original gets cut.

Fecal Follies (167) -- 10.30.2006

Now I know what I want for Christmas.

Sans the "flaming" part.

daphne (3667) -- 10.30.2006

Excellent report.

This reminds me I promised Dave an article last week. Better get on that. After I finish Thing Two's costume. So much for sleep.

1,000 pounds?

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Great comment! +1 point

Bunga Din (1239) -- 10.31.2006

OK, so I like PooperGal was intrigued by the size of this roll of TP. I've done some research and come to the conclusion that this roll MUST have been made specially for show. If you look at the following site you will see that jumbo rolls of Scott tissue in the TCDF length, 3.75"w by 1000 sheets of two ply weigh in at 30lbs per case of 12. So each roll weighs 2.5lbs. Now a transport truck has a max loadable length of 52 feet, so you could fit 166.4 rolls in one long length in a truck. Multiply this by the weight of the roll and we only come up with 416lbs. What I'm hypothesizing is that this roll is not a monster industrial roll but a special roll, one for a trade show or some other venture.

Nine Inch Log (361) -- 10.31.2006

Perhaps it was for the annual IBS sufferers convention.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Nine Inch Log (361) -- 10.31.2006

Or for fajita night at Cartman's house.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

PooperGal (527) -- 10.31.2006

FP.
No, I meant that... from the 1,000 lb monstro-roll, they run off normal sized rolls? I was trying to picture how they "cut down" the gigundamunda roll into smaller ones.

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PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Bilgepump (1731) -- 10.31.2006

Chainsaw, baby.

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 10.31.2006

Ah. Ok, I misunderstood you, PooperGal.

To answer your question: I have no clue.

This sounds like a job for SamDamnit!, investigative reporter extraordinaire.

daphne (3667) -- 11.01.2006

I want to know how they stop it from tearing halfway through.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anomalous Coward (690) -- 11.03.2006

Nevermind the 1000 lb roll of toiletpaper, just wait til the asshole it was designed to wipe gets here. Its a bird, its a plane, its an asshole the size of Chicago!

Boomerang (46) -- 11.03.2006

I'm assuming it was some innocent prank gone wrong. TPing with some fire. My friends and I used to TP people's houses (never with fire).

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Thankyou for your letter, you stupid, Adelaide, tart,

Graham Kennedy

MousePoo (150) -- 07.13.2007

Yes,they use huge rolls to make smaller ones...I thought it was done in the same building..Maybe the "cut down" area was in another buiding on the same site?For that they probably wouldn't have truck-loaded it... Maybe it was on its' way to becoming "branded?" Some sources sell to multiple retailers with only the name on the product changing.The article didn't give very many details. A question for my Dad(one-time paper mill worker.