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Beware: the toilets are on the march!Posted 08.31.2007 by Dave
We here at PoopReport honor and respect the noble toilet. But outside our enlightened community, humanity just shits all over it. This, of course, makes the noble toilet angry.
Recently, the toilet has begun to strike back. To the untrained eye, it seems like nothing more than a string of unrelated incidents, separated by time and geography, each the result of a unique set of circumstances and coincidences. A butterfly flapping its wings, and all that. But we PoopReporters know better, for we PoopReporters know how toilets think. We recognize these incidents for what they are: the beginnings of the toilet uprising. In Port St. Lucie, Florida, a porta-potty burned to the ground. The fire occurred at 2:20 AM, which spared whatever hapless construction worker might have been inside it had the flames sprouted a mere five hours later. So we might mark this up to teenage vandals, were it not for this: the very same day, exactly 2,621 miles away in Huntington Beach, California, a "giant toilet" fell off a truck and shattered in the street, forcing passers-by to stop and pick up the pieces. This toilet, too, failed to injure anyone; but the message is clear. A war is coming. More evidence: in Lancashire, England, a portable toilet had some success in its efforts to cause pain and suffering: it fell of a truck and smashed in the side of a car. (There's a picture on the site.) No one was hurt, but could the message be any clearer??? "You've drop loads on us for far too long," says Johnny-on-the-Spot with an evil cackle. "Now it's our turn to drop loads on you!" In Pretoria, South Africa, a toilet burned a man's buttocks, genitals, and thighs. In Laindon, England, a toilet attempted to swallow a three-year-old. In Glasgow, a toilet helped a criminal escape. In Tokyo, a toilet tried to kidnap an 18-year-old girl. In Colorado Springs, a toilet surreptitiously cost a man $1200. The war has already claimed two lives: in Pudong, China, and on a P&O cruise ship. And, of course, a toilet in Minnesota has destroyed a Republican senator's career. My desperate attempts to contact Homeland Security have gone unheeded. Which means the government won't do anything to protect us -- not until it's too late. I suggest you stock up on plastic bags -- in a few weeks, as the uprising spreads, you won't dare expose your butt to a toilet. Show some poop support, or make a poop retort.
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