Over here in the UK it`s not unusual for burglars to leave a freshly crapped turd on the floor of the house they`ve robbed as a kind of calling card.

I second Tbox's comment. In many cases, they may also leave one in a bed, on a kitchen table, or even in the fridge.

Since DNA testing has become standard practice in crime scene investigation, this practice is thankfully declining, although I understand that the use of dog excrement is increasing, so burglars are breaking in already carrying animal shit for the purpose of leaving it.

Interestingly, detection by turd does not solely involve the use of new scientific processes. Turds are routinely examined for prints too, as there have been a number of occasions when the burglar has inadvertently left fingerprints on the stool.

I've just had a thought, Tbox - would doing this give a new meaning to 'turd burglar'?

So has Mark E been breaking into your houses over there in britain with his big bag of dog shit? That is just sick to think of someone breaking into my house and shitting in my oven. What bastards.

yup, twas my first thought el scumbag. Any smart patrol would go straight to Mr. DNA. The report failed to mention one important detail - Was the oven on or off? You would think that going to the trouble of pinching the loaf and getting it in the oven would be slightly anti climactic without baking it.

Years ago I helped a friend who was self employed cleaning apartments between tenants.
One of the apartments we cleaned had just been vacated by a family of folks from somewhere in the Middle East; Iran, Iraq or some such place. The kitchen slowed us down considerably because the oven took two days, and several cans of oven-cleaner. It looked like they had been cooking goats without bothering to put them in pans, just opening the door and tossing them in. I would have much preferred a turd or two.

It is also worth mentioning that they also had a drawer in the kitchen that was completely filled with chicken feathers and onion skins.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Wow, cornleg, that was what my son wondered, too. His opinion was that a professional vandalizer would have left the oven on. He told me, "If I was going to take a crap in someone's oven, I'd go all the way and bake it. You know, for the aroma."

Kids are gross.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I'm just trying to imagine the mechanics of the situation. How did the turd get into the oven? Did the burglar drop trou and then stick his/her ass in the oven and squeeze out the dookage. That would seem to be a near impossibility unless their ass has a very long reach, or they've ripped the door off of the oven. They might have crapped on something like cardboard and then tossed the turd into the oven, but that would leave some shit smeared cardboard somewhere in or around the crimescene. Maybe they rolled the stove onto its back, opened the door then dropped the dookie while standing/squatting on the edge of the oven?

It's all so confusing. I think I'll just stick to upper deckers, if I should ever get the hankering to engage in a little turd terrorism.

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My special need's student crapped in your honor roll student's backpack.

I pulled the center rack out a ways and shit on that, then slid it back ...uh...I mean....I bet THEY slid the rack out...
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Bilgepump may or may not be guilty, but I can ASSURE you I didn't do it. I'd have to shit in a cookie pan or cake pan or else it woulda ran all over the burners and what not. Which actually coulda been a hidden disaster in disguise.

Gives a new meaning to cooking brownies...

Gives a whole new outlook on "cooking with gas".

I moved into a house once that had an outside laundry. The house had been vacant for some time and the laundry door had no lock. As we were moving in, and installing the washing machine, I noticed something in the laundry tub. Small, dried-up, but definitely a turd.
I thought about how a turd gets into a laundry tub. There were no other signs of vandalism, so did a local kid do it for a joke, or did they play in the back yard and use the laundry as the bog?
I dunno, but it washed away easily enough.
Mind you, I spent a fair bit of time and effort disinfecting that laundry.
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The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Deja, I loved your post! Trying to imagine all those actions.....

Mullet, when are you going to take the plunge and register in the forums so you can hang out with us 24 hours a day?

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I am about to embark on some turd terrorism of my own. I just discovered a Brazilian BBQ all the grilled meat and cheese one can eat. I plan on this backing up my system for a few days then BLAMO. Some unsuspecting public toilet is gonna get a suprise!

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

I recommend, 9", that you let your stomach settle for a few hours and then follow up with a head of cabbage. I'll bet the gas from the cabbage will cause that Brazilian shit plug to erupt from your butt at 300 fps or more. Hell, I'll bet you could probably stand on one side of the room and launch turds all the way to the other side.
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My special need's student crapped in your honor roll student's backpack.

Um, how would you have written the article? We print the facts, let the reader draw their own conclusions. It is highly unusual, yes, I'll concede that. Yelm also had a "post office pooper" years ago, someone who would make a deposit on the floor of the post office. Never caught the culprit.

Scoop...um...first of all, the "we" you refer to implies that you are a part of the writing cast, and um...well...um...if that is, in fact, the truth, uh...I don't think you lend a whole lot of credibility to your case by starting your uh...post, with "Um". Is Daphne the only literate person in Washington state? Why haven't you hired her as a local news beat writer, she certainly seems to have a better command of the um...language, than you.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Wow, Bilgepump. We're a little hard on the newbie, aren't we? Maybe we should start referring to you as Bilgepunk.

Maybe you should, if it makes you feel better, but I stand by my post belittling a supposed member of the media for not being able to start a sentence without using "Um".

By the way, newbs, I'm the punk moderator that approved your comment.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

More rending, Bilgey?
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The Original Grasshopper

yeah, pretty much...not very satisfying, though.

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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Um...okay. If you say so, Bilgepunk.

See what I mean, Leandra? Geniuses....amazing.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

They even started the sentence with um, even after you said something about it...they must have a skull a mile thick.

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The Original Grasshopper

OhmyCarlisle, Bilge, I just rememebered something from a really old thread.

Looks like you're a cunt mod again! :D Aren't you so proud?
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The Original Grasshopper

Jesus christ I'm so confused! Those last ten comments starting with the scoop lost me. Can someone please tell me what's going on? Because I have no fucking clue.

newbs is an asshole. that's all.
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The Original Grasshopper

Oh ok. Thanks. That cleared it right up.

You know, sarcasm is lost in print. So I have no idea if you really appreciate my explanation or not. :D lol
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The Original Grasshopper

Well, I kinda did, but I still wasn't quite sure where the turn happened. We went from deja poo talking about explosive cabbage dierrhea to the scoop talking about god know what. Then newbie joined in and called bilgepump bilgepunk and you called him a cunt mod. So even after typing out what I read, I still don't see where it came from.

No no no, LBK, I didn't call him a cunt mod. One of the more...unique former memebers of this site did. Search for either Sally or He Was Me and you'll see what I'm talking about.
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The Original Grasshopper

Oh okay. Finally you're giving me something to look for instead of just telling me to look in the archives. How long have you been on this site anyways?

40 weeks and a couple of days.
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The Original Grasshopper

June 4 is my one-year anniversary :D
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The Original Grasshopper

Oh ok. So how in the hell do you so much then? I figured you'd been here for years.

I'm 16...if I'd been here for years...that'd be just a lot creepy.

IDK, I didn't really ever think I knew all that much.I just archive all the old stuff whenever I'm bored, and with the whole cunt mod thing, I was actually here for that. Chocolate Shark and I were having a converssation that led to that.
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The Original Grasshopper

Hmmm, interesting. I get too caught up in the new comment to go too far back. I hit the recent posts page every now and then to see what people have been commenting on and that's where I get older stuff from. I'm kind of impatient so I hate digging sometimes.

I mentioned the way in which the author wrote the article almost as if to say "It's factual, objective journalism. What are you gonna' do?" The author's hands were tied on this one. If he/she wrote "Ew! Can you believe how nasty that is?", I would have laughed my butt off, but then again it would have never been printed.

I had no idea that it would cause someone to react defensively. If it really bothered you, "scoop", you could have just emailed me. Actually, I wish you would email me anyway, because I'd like to know about the post office pooper. I had no idea that we had a turd terrorist running amok.

You know, last year I was sitting in the car while Mr. daphne was mailing a package, and I noticed a man leaning against the south side of the building. He seemed like he was trying to hide it, but he was peeing. It was weird.

I love Yelm. Love it!

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Oh, and I almost forgot - no more mauling the unregisturds. Listen, I have to live here, and while I truly don't care if anyone knows I think this site is funny, I do care if we look like a pack of rabid hyenas, because surely this person will now say "look at how I was attacked after making that comment". Even though the comment is a bit flippant, I can see how a newb would read the article and not really get us; this is a humor site and we're warped individuals. There's always going to be some fun to be had, but I meant nothing by it. And "scoop" did try to participate by sharing the post office tidbit.

OK, you can do a little mauling. But just a little.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Don`t worry, newbies, it`s just "that time of the month" for Bilge.

Lol!

I thought I heard a Pamprin bottle rattling.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I'm so very traumatized after reading those two comments...*huddles in corner ad shudders*
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The Original Grasshopper

...so when is our 16-year old going to finally 'fess up and admit that he's really in his late 20's and looks like the fat, bespectacled kid that Gary Larson draws in The Far Side?
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The torture never stops- FZ.

Well now that was pretty harsh BM. She's just a traumatized teen who over expresses herself. You need to relax a lil man, drink a few beers, grill a couple of kangaroos on your kick ass grill, watch your pooftometer and relax. Leandra is still talking about it because she knows it aggrevates you.

Um...(sorry Bilge :D) I didn't talk about Twilight on this thread...wtf are you talking about?
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The Original Grasshopper

Thank God for self cleaning ovens !

Amen to that! I dropped half a stick of butter on the bottom of a stove...forgot that when it heats up it'll get hard to hold onto...was a pain in the ass to wrestle all the racks out though...
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The Original Grasshopper

I would open the oven door and back up to it in a classic semi-hover squat. Then I would off load a couple of loaves onto the oven door. Next, I would slam the oven door closed with enough force to catapult the dookbombs to the back of the oven where they would either stick or bounce back down onto the oven rack.
I mean IF I was ever to actually do something like that. How badly would one have to dislike someone to shit in their oven?

Cannabem liberemus!

From what I've read, I'm only *pretty sure* that we don't quite yet have the capability to ID an individual by their poop. We can make some generalizations about their diet and determine whether they have some diseases, but not who they actually are. Unless they pooped directly into the testing container and immediately handed it over at the testing lab, what little bit of DNA-containing epithelial cells that came out with/on the poop would be too degraded for a positive ID. And even if it were very fresh and tested immediately, the perpetrator would have to have DNA on file with the authorities to match. Or maybe I'm over-thinking this...

Does anyone have evidence of actually ID'ing someone from poop?

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Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

It is possible yes. DNA is found in cells, both dead and living, and faeces contains dead cells among it's various additional waste products. A turd may also have blood in it, so even a small amount could suffice to establish identification. But unfortunately accurate testing has to occur when the faeces is fairly fresh. The action of bacteria in faeces quickly causes the celluar matter to decompose before one has even expelled it, so when it's laid, it continues to decompose and deteriorate, and the most that can generally be established from an old turd would be whether it was human DNA, perhaps even a blood type, which can theoretically be sufficient to convict.

The Institute Of Biometric Science states that DNA testing can be done on hair, blood, semen, body tissue such as deep muscle tissue within a decomposed torso, saliva (cigarette ends, bottles, gags, stamps) and skin cells found in faeces, urine, sweat and dandruff.

I can't think of a conviction on a DNA dump off hand, but surely there must be one on the web somewhere? However, dangleberries/dingleberries/fartleberies/tag nuts/winnits call-em-what-you-will (small pieces of excrement on the anal hair), helped secure the conviction of Britain's celebrated 'Great Train Robbers' in the sixties.

Most Brits who read this will know all about the mail train robbery in 1966, when Ronnie Biggs, Buster Edwards and their other cronies stole £2.6m and became underworld heroes as a result, inspiring some ghastly films in the process. When the robbers were hiding at a farmhouse, they used the toilet which drained into a septic tank. They sent in "The Dustmen", professional cleaners who would wipe all prints and try to remove all evidence from the house, but their thoroughness did not extend to the tank. When the farmhouse was found and a thorough search undertaken, the tank revealed obstinate dangleberries stuck to the hard toilet paper, which being hair samples, were sufficient to place several of the robbers at the scene of the hideout and therefore the crime. Tactfully, they didn't mention this in "Buster". Phil Collins scrubbing his sore arse with harsh shiny toilet paper wouldn't have been suitable family entertainment.

That was why I asked for evidence--I couldn't find any myself, at least not in the first two pages of Google results. But then I'm at work right now so can't devote too much time to poop-sleuthing.

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Accomplishing the impossible just means the boss will add it to your regular duties.